Reality Check and Advice Needed
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 22
Reality Check and Advice Needed
I am new here. I've posted a few times and am getting so much support from reading the threads I see here - but not I need some advice from all you wonderful women that have gone through this before.
I need a reality check and advice on what to do next.
Last weekend, some things happened with my exABf that brought back a lot of the negative feelings that I experienced when I was involved with him. After these things occurred, and after I settled down from the whirlwind of emotions that I allowed to overtake me, I wrote him a short email apologizing for sticking my nose into business that wasn't mine. I felt very good after apologizing - and believe it was the right thing to do, rather than tell him off for being such an ass, which was my first instinct. In that, I did the right thing.
Then, we had a short email exchange that seemed genuine, in which he apologized, said he was sick about it all -- but he was lying about things in his emails to make his actions seem less egregious. I now believe he was just pulling me back in, doing the same old things he knows he can do to keep me "hooked". We ended the emails with the "still be friends" bit - him saying he can't stop being friends with me, I'm a quarter of his life and will never be less than a tenth. I said I thought I could do that - given this and that. My "this and thats" were boundaries that were good, but now I don't really believe they were enough.
He has done some things in the past 2 weeks that make me believe with all my mind, that I should not even try to continue our "friendship". He is using me as a fall-back position when nothing better is available - he blows me off if something better comes along. He disregards my feelings completely in exchange for whatever quick feel good escape is available to him. He takes advantage of me when I'm at my most vulnerable. And when we try and discuss it, the result is his trying to "smooth over" situations instead of addressing them honestly: And the bottom line is I am not being treated as a friend should be treated, and I need to simply stop all contact with him.
I know this - but I still don't feel it 100%, and I don't know how to do it, or can't seem to bring myself to... or something.
I want to write him an email telling him I cannot continue our friendship for all these reasons - but that is me trying to manipulate him into seeing the light.
I want to write him an email and scream and yell about how he has been so cavalier with my feelings, and tell him what an ass he is - again, focusing on him.
I want to make him hurt the way he's made me hurt - super nasty right there, that one is.
But I know all these things are wrong: That I'm only giving him power over "where I'm at" with this, and over my ability to be happy. I am coming to believe his problems are much deeper than drugs, or alcohol - I am coming to believe he's simply a sociopath and regardless of anything else, drinking or not, I will never, ever, have my needs met whether as a friend or something else, by him.
I am considering simply waiting for his next call, or perhaps emailing him, and just telling him that given the events of the past couple of weeks, I need a good bit of time with no contact, and leaving it at that. I imagine this would become permanent no contact, but allows me to do it in a way that doesn't "hit him over the head", or attempt to "shame" him, or any of that stuff.
But I am very unsure of myself, very confused by it all, and am not sure I am doing the right thing in this.
I need a reality check and advice on what to do next.
Last weekend, some things happened with my exABf that brought back a lot of the negative feelings that I experienced when I was involved with him. After these things occurred, and after I settled down from the whirlwind of emotions that I allowed to overtake me, I wrote him a short email apologizing for sticking my nose into business that wasn't mine. I felt very good after apologizing - and believe it was the right thing to do, rather than tell him off for being such an ass, which was my first instinct. In that, I did the right thing.
Then, we had a short email exchange that seemed genuine, in which he apologized, said he was sick about it all -- but he was lying about things in his emails to make his actions seem less egregious. I now believe he was just pulling me back in, doing the same old things he knows he can do to keep me "hooked". We ended the emails with the "still be friends" bit - him saying he can't stop being friends with me, I'm a quarter of his life and will never be less than a tenth. I said I thought I could do that - given this and that. My "this and thats" were boundaries that were good, but now I don't really believe they were enough.
He has done some things in the past 2 weeks that make me believe with all my mind, that I should not even try to continue our "friendship". He is using me as a fall-back position when nothing better is available - he blows me off if something better comes along. He disregards my feelings completely in exchange for whatever quick feel good escape is available to him. He takes advantage of me when I'm at my most vulnerable. And when we try and discuss it, the result is his trying to "smooth over" situations instead of addressing them honestly: And the bottom line is I am not being treated as a friend should be treated, and I need to simply stop all contact with him.
I know this - but I still don't feel it 100%, and I don't know how to do it, or can't seem to bring myself to... or something.
I want to write him an email telling him I cannot continue our friendship for all these reasons - but that is me trying to manipulate him into seeing the light.
I want to write him an email and scream and yell about how he has been so cavalier with my feelings, and tell him what an ass he is - again, focusing on him.
I want to make him hurt the way he's made me hurt - super nasty right there, that one is.
But I know all these things are wrong: That I'm only giving him power over "where I'm at" with this, and over my ability to be happy. I am coming to believe his problems are much deeper than drugs, or alcohol - I am coming to believe he's simply a sociopath and regardless of anything else, drinking or not, I will never, ever, have my needs met whether as a friend or something else, by him.
I am considering simply waiting for his next call, or perhaps emailing him, and just telling him that given the events of the past couple of weeks, I need a good bit of time with no contact, and leaving it at that. I imagine this would become permanent no contact, but allows me to do it in a way that doesn't "hit him over the head", or attempt to "shame" him, or any of that stuff.
But I am very unsure of myself, very confused by it all, and am not sure I am doing the right thing in this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Give yourself a break as this is a very worthwhile struggle.
When I didn't trust myself not to get hooked by my AXH, the only thing I could do was STOP having the conversations altogether.
It goes against my very essence not to respond to calls or emails, but even after a lot of alcoholic chaos, abuse and abandonment, I still believed that I could MAKE HIM SEE MY POINT, dammit. And I can't and I couldn't and NOW, after many moons of living separately and apart, I can see that I don't owe him the explanation.
He won't understand, and the very engagement sets me back in my quest to be complete without him and it hurts me.
What I am suggesting to you is that you may have said all there is to say. If you need to talk or write, put it in a letter and start a journal. It will be more helpful to you in a month to have proof of your feelings than it will be helpful to him or you if you tell him about it.
You don't have to take his calls or reply to his emails. You already know that he is trying to hook you.
(((hugs)))
When I didn't trust myself not to get hooked by my AXH, the only thing I could do was STOP having the conversations altogether.
It goes against my very essence not to respond to calls or emails, but even after a lot of alcoholic chaos, abuse and abandonment, I still believed that I could MAKE HIM SEE MY POINT, dammit. And I can't and I couldn't and NOW, after many moons of living separately and apart, I can see that I don't owe him the explanation.
He won't understand, and the very engagement sets me back in my quest to be complete without him and it hurts me.
What I am suggesting to you is that you may have said all there is to say. If you need to talk or write, put it in a letter and start a journal. It will be more helpful to you in a month to have proof of your feelings than it will be helpful to him or you if you tell him about it.
You don't have to take his calls or reply to his emails. You already know that he is trying to hook you.
(((hugs)))
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I think you know what you need to do for your own serenity. No Contact.
It makes me crazy when I allow myself to be controlled by feelings of guilt. Guilt for not being there when someone needs me. I am learning to take better care of myself and that means being there for myself, first.
If your friend does not have the qualities you find desireable in friendships, why keep hanging onto the relationship? guilt? A need to be needed?
There is a wonderful sticky post at the top concerning Hooks that keep us in boundaryless relationships. I'll post the link at the bottom for you.
You do not owe him an explanation for cutting off contact while you take better care of yourself. Addicted personalities don't really hear our explanations anyway. They only hear blah, blah, blah, whine, nag, etc...
Here's the link on Hooks:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
It makes me crazy when I allow myself to be controlled by feelings of guilt. Guilt for not being there when someone needs me. I am learning to take better care of myself and that means being there for myself, first.
If your friend does not have the qualities you find desireable in friendships, why keep hanging onto the relationship? guilt? A need to be needed?
There is a wonderful sticky post at the top concerning Hooks that keep us in boundaryless relationships. I'll post the link at the bottom for you.
You do not owe him an explanation for cutting off contact while you take better care of yourself. Addicted personalities don't really hear our explanations anyway. They only hear blah, blah, blah, whine, nag, etc...
Here's the link on Hooks:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
He has done some things in the past 2 weeks that make me believe with all my mind, that I should not even try to continue our "friendship".
And the bottom line is I am not being treated as a friend should be treated, and I need to simply stop all contact with him.
I believe that you have your own answers. The anxiety and fear of change and moving forward can get us stuck if we allow it. Listen to your gut, that little internal voice. You deserve better then what you are getting and that little voice knows it.
You do not have to struggle with what to say and how it will impact him. Keep it simple. Get it done. Making it complicated and over thinking it is what happens when we let all the other voices drown out our own internal voice. It keeps us stuck. You can simply send an email saying that "It is better for me to end this friendship. There will be no more contact between us. I wish you the best." or however you want to say it. Then it is as simple, and as hard, as ignoring all his attempts at contact after that.
Sending you some strength and clarity.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
I agree with Thumper...
No lengthy explanations are needed. He is obviously NEVER going to understand and you won't ever get validation from him so why bother?
A simple, to the point email is just fine. And then block his email addy, block his number, don't take his calls, don't meet him, etc etc. If you accidentally take a call and find that it's him, just politely say "I don't want to talk to you. Goodbye". It'll be super hard at first, but eventually, it'll get easier and you won't think twice about it.
Give yourself some peace. You deserve it.
No lengthy explanations are needed. He is obviously NEVER going to understand and you won't ever get validation from him so why bother?
A simple, to the point email is just fine. And then block his email addy, block his number, don't take his calls, don't meet him, etc etc. If you accidentally take a call and find that it's him, just politely say "I don't want to talk to you. Goodbye". It'll be super hard at first, but eventually, it'll get easier and you won't think twice about it.
Give yourself some peace. You deserve it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 22
You are helping me to validate my sense that I have to end this. Maybe I explain maybe I don't, but it has to end. <edit I don't mean explain in detail, more like "notify">
I do feel guilty - and I feel like after "all we've been through" I *owe* him some explanation. I don't really, it isn't like he's been a supportive friend or BF to me, why do I continue to give a flying ***k about his feelings?
I feel like a broken toy... but I'm getting my strength back and starting to do the right things. I am working with a therapist, going to Al-Anon meetings, and I'm starting to stop my isolating, getting out and meeting new people and *not* in bars and clubs either. Some days I see a bright future... today, I feel stuck and weak.
<Second Edit: Also, thank you all so much for the responses... each and every one gives me a little more strength that I'm at least on something like the right path and can somehow manage my side of this enough to get through it.>
I do feel guilty - and I feel like after "all we've been through" I *owe* him some explanation. I don't really, it isn't like he's been a supportive friend or BF to me, why do I continue to give a flying ***k about his feelings?
I feel like a broken toy... but I'm getting my strength back and starting to do the right things. I am working with a therapist, going to Al-Anon meetings, and I'm starting to stop my isolating, getting out and meeting new people and *not* in bars and clubs either. Some days I see a bright future... today, I feel stuck and weak.
<Second Edit: Also, thank you all so much for the responses... each and every one gives me a little more strength that I'm at least on something like the right path and can somehow manage my side of this enough to get through it.>
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by snoWhite 
I do feel guilty - and I feel like after "all we've been through" I *owe* him some explanation. I don't really, it isn't like he's been a supportive friend or BF to me, why do I continue to give a flying ***k about his feelings?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Thanks Thumper.
I did just read Codependent No More. There is so much there I recognize in myself. I wasn't always this bad, but I sure have allowed my boundaries to erode away to nothing in this relationship. I want the old me back - and I want to get beyond those things that have always existed in me that allowed me to "stick out" this destructive relationship so much longer than I should have.
I know where it comes from: Why I never learned how to do the right things *for me* in relationships. And I want to grow beyond it. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I did just read Codependent No More. There is so much there I recognize in myself. I wasn't always this bad, but I sure have allowed my boundaries to erode away to nothing in this relationship. I want the old me back - and I want to get beyond those things that have always existed in me that allowed me to "stick out" this destructive relationship so much longer than I should have.
I know where it comes from: Why I never learned how to do the right things *for me* in relationships. And I want to grow beyond it. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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I wonder if my feeling like I need to give him an explanation is as much about hanging onto the relationship as any of the other manipulative BS I come up with. I mean, aren't I really just trying to make myself look "nice" and put the blame on me when I think of saying things like "the events of the last two weeks are just too much for me to handle. I need a break from you."
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: england
Posts: 162
You don't need to explain anything,did he explain why he was such a crap friend and boyfriend? Mines didnt so why should we feel like we have to? WE DON'T xx Be strong x No contact is the best option especially when you are so hurt and angry.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I have found that when I continue to "need to" talk to someone, to explain myself or even just notify, and especially when it has become clear that the other person is acting abusively, that there is some emotional validation I think I need from that person. Often, it's a matter of realizing that yes, I am justified in how I feel. That is where SR and Al-Anon and therapy can come in handy.
You have EVERY RIGHT to stop talking to, ignore, and leave behind ANYONE you feel the need to do so with. You are not responsible for anyone but yourself (and any minor children). NO GUILT! Stomp OUT guilt as soon as it begins to arise because guilt is POISON.
You have EVERY RIGHT to stop talking to, ignore, and leave behind ANYONE you feel the need to do so with. You are not responsible for anyone but yourself (and any minor children). NO GUILT! Stomp OUT guilt as soon as it begins to arise because guilt is POISON.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
I too suffer from that need for validation/approval from others, and I realize just HOW MUCH in the past, it's done me in. I've hung out with emotional vampires who brought me nothing, just because I couldn't stand the idea that I'd hurt someone's feeling by saying "No, I just don't want to do that". I wanted/needed so much to be loved, popular, liked, whatever, that I became everyone's doormat.
I'm slowly learning to don what I call "the B*tch Mantle", and accepting the fact that lots of people aren't going to like what I do and say. But that's ok. As long as I feel like I'm staying true to myself, I'm good. Somedays I can even see that mantle in a positive light, because it means I'm actively taking care of MY needs and not letting anyone else's supercede them. I practice being open and honest, saying "no thanks" without further elaboration, and yes, I still wince, but I make myself do it anyhow.
You're on that path now. Yay for you!
I'm slowly learning to don what I call "the B*tch Mantle", and accepting the fact that lots of people aren't going to like what I do and say. But that's ok. As long as I feel like I'm staying true to myself, I'm good. Somedays I can even see that mantle in a positive light, because it means I'm actively taking care of MY needs and not letting anyone else's supercede them. I practice being open and honest, saying "no thanks" without further elaboration, and yes, I still wince, but I make myself do it anyhow.
You're on that path now. Yay for you!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Thank you all for the many great thoughts in these posts...
You know, I equate the "explaining" to the same sort of explaining I'd do with my great best friend if I was cancelling plans with her. She and I have a *normal* non-codie thing, and if we'd made plans of course I'd tell her why I was breaking them.
But it isn't the same. It's not even close. There is a difference between giving someone the common courtesy WHEN THEY WOULD DO THE SAME FOR YOU and refusing to PLAY A GAME which is really what explanations are about in this exAbf thing.
I really need to recognize and appreciate this fully.
You know, I equate the "explaining" to the same sort of explaining I'd do with my great best friend if I was cancelling plans with her. She and I have a *normal* non-codie thing, and if we'd made plans of course I'd tell her why I was breaking them.
But it isn't the same. It's not even close. There is a difference between giving someone the common courtesy WHEN THEY WOULD DO THE SAME FOR YOU and refusing to PLAY A GAME which is really what explanations are about in this exAbf thing.
I really need to recognize and appreciate this fully.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 22
It wasn't a beautiful email, but tomorrow will be day 1 of no contact.
Wish me luck.
I'm sitting here crying over something that never was, and I haven't forgiven myself for it taking so long to leave, and I'm still dreaming of something that wasn't, but damn it, I did it. I broke it off months ago and now I'm going no contact and D*MN if I will allow someone else to control me any longer.
Wish me luck.
I'm sitting here crying over something that never was, and I haven't forgiven myself for it taking so long to leave, and I'm still dreaming of something that wasn't, but damn it, I did it. I broke it off months ago and now I'm going no contact and D*MN if I will allow someone else to control me any longer.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by Leise
Good for you S!
You can do it. This life... it isn't a dress rehearsal. The choices we make today can effect us for decades. This man isn't the one you want by your side.
L
You can do it. This life... it isn't a dress rehearsal. The choices we make today can effect us for decades. This man isn't the one you want by your side.
L
Done with that, thank you very much!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
All the crap started when I allowed the "friends" thing to happen.
I haven't forgiven myself for it taking so long to leave
You have to go thru what you go thru in order to get to where it is you need to go. These experiences are just stepping stones, that's all. Make the BEST of them.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by snoWhite
I imagine this would become permanent no contact, but allows me to do it in a way that doesn't "hit him over the head", or attempt to "shame" him, or any of that stuff.
She managed to turn my household upside down in a month's time.
The day I came home early from running errands and my stereo was turned up full blast, the house reeked of pot, and she was in bed with some guy I had never seen (who ended up going to prison later for molesting two 9 year old girls), it was short and to the point.
Get out of my house now.
It wasn't mean, it wasn't hitting her over the head, it wasn't trying to shame her. It was short and to the point.
The only reason I have any contact with her these days is because my 14 year old granddaughter made the decision to live with her mother this past school year.
Otherwise contact would be zip, zero, nada.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by nodaybut2day
I'm slowly learning to don what I call "the B*tch Mantle", and accepting the fact that lots of people aren't going to like what I do and say. But that's ok. As long as I feel like I'm staying true to myself, I'm good. Somedays I can even see that mantle in a positive light, because it means I'm actively taking care of MY needs and not letting anyone else's supercede them. I practice being open and honest, saying "no thanks" without further elaboration, and yes, I still wince, but I make myself do it anyhow.
Being
In
Total
Control of
Herself
If not, they could be long-lost twins.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
just want to support you.
i am experiencing similar to what you said when you had very minimal contact you were grounded, then when it increased, your feelings of being out of control increased.
how are you today?
i am experiencing similar to what you said when you had very minimal contact you were grounded, then when it increased, your feelings of being out of control increased.
how are you today?
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