Serenebynow

My parents divorced when I was 6 or 7? Contact w dad was sproradic then none. When my paternal grandmother died, I saw him at her funeral, actually it's the smell I remember, stale funky bar smell, pathetic. Years later he wrote me from the va drunk tank. I said I'd love to see him sober, let's do lunch.
He showed up before my Friday nite shift at a downtown bar. I was schocked! No lunch, no call, just there next to my register. I was shaken and embarrassed. He left 50.00 with another bartender while I was in the restroom. Never saw or heard another word from him until my 44th bday. He sent a card. He found my address at my sisters house, his step- daughter. It seems he and my younger Asister, had decided to move in with my older a sister, all 3 of them drinking and living in a one bdrm apt. There was much insanity. Thanks to my hp I was only aware of some of it because I was 2500 miles away from them!
Sooo, that was four years ago, and last night I got a fb message from his friend/bartender saying if I'm his daughter, he loves me. I replied it is good to know he is alive. I often wonder about him. He is 78 or 79. Still drinking apparently. Gives me hope for the genetics of my younger sister, maybe shell be able to drink like him and not be physically affected like big sis, who is 52 and in a nursing home permanently, but finally sober, with no program.
Mostly, I am hurt. I have a few things I want to know about him. But mostly I am fear filled, because I'm sure if we do get in touch, it's going to hurt like hell and I'm so sick of the pain. I have enough of that right here and now. I dream of healing. But it seems only my nightmares are true, no happy ending in my life, just more heartache, more tears.
Yet, I still wonder, wish, and pray. I gave his bartender my phone number. He hasn't called. She said shell give it to him Monday. I guess maybe I should not have given it so easily. I dunno. I'm setting myself up, aren't I? It hurts now, and I'm opening the door for more. Someone tell me how to get off this bad ride, I'm sick of spinning around on this.

Pelican

(((Serene)))

You can change your mind about being contacted. Your mind = Your power to protect and control.

Send a message back "thanks for the update, do not pass on contact info" or just don't take the calls.

You have choices. This is your one precious life.

catlovermi

What I see in this story is a father who, every so often, climbed up out of the hole of his addiction, dysfunction, and guilt, and made what feeble attempt he could to have a touch point with you. He may not have kicked his addiction, he may not ever have been there for you, but he did make an effort to touch base with you, and he did let you know he thought of you, and even attempted to tell you he, despite all, loves you.

At least he gave you that much, over the years.

Addiction is very sad, in so many ways.

CLMI

sesh

Sorry you're going through this.
I understand you're afraid of getting hurt. But also it is clear that this has been hurting over the years already. If you can do without seeing him and get along with your life just fine maybe it's best not to see him. On the other hand maybe it's time for you to finally face it. There is a chance you'll get hurt a bit more, but also there is a chance you'll get more insight in the whole situation. What I mean is I think is really hard to let go of something that's been tormenting you and yet you know almost nothing about. Almost like he's a just idea to you, a demon from the past that's haunting you, not a real person.
So there is a chance if you face it, you can find it's not affecting you as much as you thought it would and it will allow you to let go.
That's what I would do. But than again that's the kind of person I am. Whatever it is I want to face it and deal with it. I can't stand the unknown, the uncertainty.
Only you can decide what's best for you, and you don't owe anything to anyone but youself.
I wish you well