elenamercade1

Thank you, again it's so hard...Because I love him so much....

The hardest part is that he keeps saying he s taking this break to better himself for me in the future...He sends me texts saying he s thinking of me when he is at the meetings...It's just so so hard...His constant contact with me makes it that much harder....

A part of me wants to see what happens, and a part of me wants to cut contact completely because it s tearing me apart.

Ceres

freefalling

Welcome! I agree with Ali on this one. Get to know yourself better. If you want to be good to somebody - may it be to you FIRST. Entanglement with people with problems - yep that is a good description of us and our relationships with troubled people!

Work on yourself and make sure that you hit the delete button on:
1.Caretaking to your detriment
2.doing stuff for people that they can do themselves
3.The need to be needed
4.The "messias complex"
5.forgetting/ignoring your own needs
6.ignoring red flags -( which will never go away without committment by the way)
7.isolation
8.ignoring your mental/emotional/physical/spiritual/social needs
9.obsessing about stuff/people that you cannot change

(that is my list - but you can me in 24 years time! - DON'T)


:codiepolice

Hammerhead

Hello elenamercade1 and welcome... glad you are here. I am recently divorced and my "romantic history" is very similar to yours and I'd like to share a few things.... humbly and with the hope you rethink a few things.

I am 45. Mine was "completely honest" aswell.... well that for me signaled that he was trustworthy.... found out quite differently... it was (for me) a tool of manipulation.... how can you not trust someone who is "completely honest"? There needs to be a solid foundation of past behavior to base trust.... this includes "white lies"... "misunderstandings".... "arguments"....

The first year or two are considered the "honeymoon stage" (you don't have to be married to experience it).... but that is when two people newly in love learn to accommodate each others lil oddities, etc. and usually both are on their best behavior... if you are experiencing real "ups and downs" NOW that is a red flag.... it does not get better.

BTW... going to meetings with him to show support... yep I did that too... but I learned that he should go to meetings on his own... afterall if he truly wants sobriety... he'd go without you... you can show your support in other ways. IMO

So "SOMEHOW" you decided you loved this man... I'd look into the somehow. Just because you have feelings does not mean you should act upon them.... I learned that the hard way. The reason you went through so much together.... is because you went through so much together.... that isn't necessarily a healthy bond to share.... it is a chaotic bond...and that does not mean love. BTW... talking about getting engaged daily was his way to keep you engaged in the dance of chaos. IMO

Mine did the EXACT same thing... believe me when I tell you his friends just didn't disappear for a year and then pop up out of nowhere.... obviously he has kept an open line of communication with them.... so in reality... they just popped up for you. As for really messing him up.... he knows exactly what he's doing.... he's not confused.... he's not finished drinking. IMO.

Please, please let him get his "house in order" and take the opportunity to concentrate on yourself. While separated from my then AH... he too would tell me all the time that he loved me... but would continue to do EXACTLY what he said he didn't want to do.... Please, please WATCH WHAT HE DOES... do not listen to him.... it will tell you all you need to know.

Believe me I'm not picking on you.... and you already know the answers..."if he can't give you the relationship you need right now"... it's time to let go.

Please continue to comeback to SR. Take care of you.

Summerpeach

Hammer, you can not determine her exBF is untrustworthy based what you expereince or based on the VERY little she reveals about her ex. She's not given any indication he's lied to her at all.

I know people here can be raw and compare their relationships to others, but that is really unfair.

Having said that, I think maybe your ex's sponsor is brainwashing him a little bit.
I was with my BF for 4 yrs when he joined AA and his "sponsor" and other AA members all preached on how he should be single.
Sure, if you're single, stay single, but to tell someone to leave a relationship is just nuts.
He changed AA meetings and the LOVING caring people in his new group told him he was lucky to have someone who understood him and tried to "heal" with him.

Different strokes I say.......

But him sitting on the fence is not healthy for you, I would suggest you find a good Al Anon meeting and take it from there.

Good luck

Hammerhead

You are correct... that is why I said "for me". Our stories here do vary by circumstances... but there are commonalities... IMO.

Thanks.

elenamercade1

Yes, I agree...About the sponsor thing....But I guess they really hold their sponsor at a high level....Which is very sad... But i agree it is not healthy for me to be in limbo.....I told him today I need him to stop contacting me...for my own good...and he said he understood

elenamercade1

If I let him get his house in order and let go....will he come back if he loves me...

Summerpeach

No one can say if he will come back since no one really knows who he is, but if he loves you and just maybe if he starts to heal, he would come back, but don't stop your life waiting for him.

Maybe once your not contacting him, he will realize his life on his own without his sponsors input.

elenamercade1

Ya- He keeps saying how hard it is and how much he misses me...But he has to take time to sort everything out...He said all our problems were due to him... and that this time apart will make us stronger... I told him today he needs to stop contacting me because it is only making it harder. It is so unhleathy to always have this on my mind.....

I have always been there for him....just to listen to..I never got too involved...

I guess it s hard letting go...

queenteree

My post is going to be somewhat different from the rest. All I can do is share my experience with you, you make up your own mind.
In 1989 my RAH (then my bf, not married yet) went to a 28 day rehab, got sober, worked AA, etc. Got his whole life back in order. Got his license back (had a prior DWI), worked hard, saved lots of money, we got married, bought a house, raised a family (I had 3 kids by a prior marriage), never relapsed at all in 15 years. I was in love with him, he was in love with me. Best husband and father ever, truthfully he was. After 15 years of sobriety, he decides he's playing golf with some of his golf course friends (they all drink). Gave up his happily married friends. Needless he relapsed for about 5 (I lost count) years, worse than he ever was. Two years ago, he lost his job of over 25 years. Almost died several times of liver disease, kidney failure, etc. In September, after being together 24 years, he left me, cleared out his retirement money (his had the bulk of the money in his retirement account), blew most of that on bars, casinos, you name it, left me with a stack of unpaid bills that had not been paid in 3 months from our household account (he took the money and spent it), maxed out his credit cards (over $20,000 in debt, and this was a man who NEVER used credit cards), got 3 dwi's in one weeks time, spent months in jail, then house arrest, fines, attorney's fees. He is now back home, sober 5 mos., working a program and doing what he needs to do FOR HIMSELF, FOR TODAY. I do not but into his recovery, have put boundaries firmly in place, and get on with my life. My life does not revolve around his. He may live at my house, but it is definitely not "all about him".
The point that I am trying to make, and I can't stress this clearly enough to newbies here, is that years ago, in 1989 when he first got sober and remained sober all those years, I never thought of him relapsing. We planned a future together, worked hard and saved alot for retirement, etc. When loving an alcoholic, even in recovery, there is ALWAYS a possibiity of relapse, and I just want you to think about it: are you prepared that if he does come back to you, down the road he may relapse, and are you prepared to deal with all the legal and financial ramifications that can cause, especially if you marry him???? What if you have children? Is that the kind of life you want to lead for yourself? I know you love him, and I loved my RAH too, but to me, sometimes love just ain't enough. You gotta love yourself more. It's really way too much drama, no matter which way you look at it. Enjoy this time to get your head together, gain some clarity, and get emeshed in your own recovery (Alanon), never mind HIS recovery.
Glad you're here and hugs to you.

Summerpeach

Queen, thanks for sharing. Addicts do have a high incidence of relapse, but your husband was extreme and I need to point out, even non addicts can act like your husband did, They don't need an addictions to act out in crazy ways.
Men in mid life can sometimes do the same thing, less the drink in hand.

Life is a risk

But I agree, never mind his recovery

elenamercade1

My ex A was not texting during meetings, sorry if i confused that...I meant in general all through out the day...But never at meetings...

Im going to disconnect myself from him, I already have...And just take it a day @ a time...

Carol Star

It is common practice for a sponser to tell a sponsee to not make changes,(date) , make big decisions, for a yr. They need to focus on recovery not boyfriends/girlfriends......If a situation is stressing him out or confusing a sponser may be saying that a break may be in order.....if even temporaryily.....to focus on recovery (only).......nothing against you. Those are THE suggestions.

sad#3

After what I've been through, I'd never date anyone that has had an addiction problem. I won't take the chance to go through this again. Way toooooo painful, dangerous and risky.

Babyblue

All you can do is give him what he asked for: space to decide if he can stick it out in this relationship. I'd never tell anyone leave or stay, contact or don't contact, you do what is right for YOU. Because even without the alcohol, it is NORMAL to question being with someone long term. The recovery process makes it more of a slippery slope and will always be part of the relationship, that is his reality. It sounds like it is up to you to decide whether he is worth the aggravation or to end things.

elenamercade1

Update....

We both have decided to stay in contact and see eachother...

I saw him this past week, and we cried to eachother...and said we still love eachother...

I have learned that there is so much more to my exAbf and his sober life now.... Just bc he is actively not drinking for a year now, doesn't mean that he is fine......

I realize that it is not about drinking anymore...There are so many defects that come along with him and his not drinking... He has so many insecurities...I just recently found out that he has been through out our whole relationship, struggling with money because he has so much debt due to his drinking days... After all this time he finally was honest with me... And during our relationship he had been fighting with me or snapping everytime i brought up money... I love him, but at the same time, I wonder how and do i want to deal with all these things...I do love him, and he is actively trying to recover and help himself....I just never realized that it wasnt always about drinking...It seems as though he has so many defects, and drinking used to cover them up...Now that he's not drinking they are all coming out.

I love him so much, and when this all came out this past week, a part of me was not suprised but...I guess the question is do I want to go through this with him.....

He is going to see a counselor...

advice?

Freedom1990

It was brought to my attention, several times, in my first year of sobriety that I already had one a-hole in my pants, and I certainly didn't need another one.

It was brought to my attention several times the first 4 years of my sobriety, now that I think about it, and from people who cared about and loved me.

I didn't listen, time and time again.

Just not drinking was the bare bones beginning of my recovery, and I had a tremendous amount of internal work to do.

I confused lust with love more than once. Once I was locked into that 'madly in love' mode, Katie bar the door! My recovery went way down the priority list.

Oh sure I'd sit in meetings, but my head was already into our next foreseeable
adventure, whether it was having a picnic in the park and gazing into each other's eyes longingly, or the steamy sex we might very well be having later that night!

I'd tell my well-meaning friends I did know what I was doing and could balance recovery/a relationship/lust/love/sex, thank you very much.

That eventually cost me my 4 years, and I drank/used again, and for what?

I was out there for 2 long miserable months.

There is a reason that sponsors and concerned others in AA say what they do.

I've watched what I did play out many many times with others since I got clean/sober again.

Nine times out of ten, people are going to do what they are going to do, and really didn't want suggestions or personal experiences in the first place.

God knows I sure did what I wanted to do, and paid dearly for it.

Thank God I made it back alive.

This recovery thing is a life or death situation for me.

Jess01

Wow I can relate to so much of this right now with my ABF of 3 months.

He has security issues, he is edgy most of the time and I have tried to be as supportive as possible.

We always seem to have a good weekend then a bad weekend consistently. I have tried to step back to no avail. He always says he loves me more than ever which makes it even harder to leave him. The more I stay with him the harder it is to leave.

I think reading this post has made me realise that these issues are real and will not go away, and most probably get a lot worse in time.

Good luck with your situation.

JoeVet

This is worrisome. Alcoholics tend to get in trouble when they test themselves. Can I handle my old friends, can I handle just one drink? The answer is no and they end up relapsing. Then it is start from scratch or sometimes just give into the disease for good.