dating a recovering alcoholic
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: bethlehem pa
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dating a recovering alcoholic
Hi- Im 24, and I was dating a recovering alcoholic,he is 25.. for almost a year. We met and he was completely honest that he had just started sobriety and aa.
We have been through many ups and downs.. He has a lot of security issues... As well as he is very edgy... I have been very supportive, I go to meetings with him, and read about sobriety.
In the first three monthes of our relationship, his sponsor suggested it was not good to be in a romantic relationship.. So he tried to slow everything down with me..
Somehow, I decided I loved this man,so I would do what I could... We got past everything.. And I started to notice that all our fights, were to do with him being insecure, always thought I am right...Does not like to be told what to do...
Through out this whole mess we fell in love.. Our relationship seemed as though we would have a very good weekend, then a very bad weekend... As time went on, our feelings grew deeper because I was always there for him...We went through so much together...We had ups and downs in our relationship, however we are very much in love...We talked about getting engaged daily..
As it got closer to his one year being sober...He started to get funny..He decided to have his friends over, which was not a good idea because all they did was drink... This really messed up him, he did not drink, but it still confused him...
OUt of nowhere he said he needed time to figure out whether he is ready for a serious relationship, and feels like all our problems are due to him... I am devastated because i have been through this whole thing with him.... He still contacts me everyday..Saying he loves me and is taking this time apart to better our relationship...Make us stronger. He says he needs to get his house in order, and figure himself out.. It is really hard to remain in contact with him, but a part of me loves him... I don't know if I should not respond to him anymore...I need to move on for myself, because I can't wait around for him...I know he really loves me..If he did not he would have lost touch with me..I just know it is not healthy for me to remain in contact with him if he can't give me the relationship I want right now...But I want to be with him in the end...Can anyone give me advice
We have been through many ups and downs.. He has a lot of security issues... As well as he is very edgy... I have been very supportive, I go to meetings with him, and read about sobriety.
In the first three monthes of our relationship, his sponsor suggested it was not good to be in a romantic relationship.. So he tried to slow everything down with me..
Somehow, I decided I loved this man,so I would do what I could... We got past everything.. And I started to notice that all our fights, were to do with him being insecure, always thought I am right...Does not like to be told what to do...
Through out this whole mess we fell in love.. Our relationship seemed as though we would have a very good weekend, then a very bad weekend... As time went on, our feelings grew deeper because I was always there for him...We went through so much together...We had ups and downs in our relationship, however we are very much in love...We talked about getting engaged daily..
As it got closer to his one year being sober...He started to get funny..He decided to have his friends over, which was not a good idea because all they did was drink... This really messed up him, he did not drink, but it still confused him...
OUt of nowhere he said he needed time to figure out whether he is ready for a serious relationship, and feels like all our problems are due to him... I am devastated because i have been through this whole thing with him.... He still contacts me everyday..Saying he loves me and is taking this time apart to better our relationship...Make us stronger. He says he needs to get his house in order, and figure himself out.. It is really hard to remain in contact with him, but a part of me loves him... I don't know if I should not respond to him anymore...I need to move on for myself, because I can't wait around for him...I know he really loves me..If he did not he would have lost touch with me..I just know it is not healthy for me to remain in contact with him if he can't give me the relationship I want right now...But I want to be with him in the end...Can anyone give me advice
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
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Welcome to the SR family!
I'm glad your friend is still sober. I hope he is able to maintain a lifetime of sobriety.
Did you ever try attending Alanon meetings to learn tools for dealing with an alcoholic (even if they have stopped drinking)?
I'm glad your friend is still sober. I hope he is able to maintain a lifetime of sobriety.
Did you ever try attending Alanon meetings to learn tools for dealing with an alcoholic (even if they have stopped drinking)?
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
I'm so sorry. It seems like he's giving you mixed messages, letting you go and still saying he loves you. That's a terrible place to be! You may want to try to extract yourself. If he wants space - Give it to him, MAKE him take it. Then see what happens - Just my 2 cents.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I am devastated because i have been through this whole thing with him....
This whole thing is about him. His recovery from His addiction. You don't own any part of this thing.
Give him the space he needs.
Cut off contact and give yourself time to focus on your needs.
Ask yourself what kind of life partner do you want?
Do you want a relationship for better and worse? Because it sounds like this relationship will give you just as many bad times as good. Every other weekend sounds like a lot of conflict.
What do you want for your life?
This whole thing is about him. His recovery from His addiction. You don't own any part of this thing.
Give him the space he needs.
Cut off contact and give yourself time to focus on your needs.
Ask yourself what kind of life partner do you want?
Do you want a relationship for better and worse? Because it sounds like this relationship will give you just as many bad times as good. Every other weekend sounds like a lot of conflict.
What do you want for your life?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: bethlehem pa
Posts: 14
Ya, as hard as it is to admit you are right..I know you are... I guess I fell in love with him, and thought I could over look his problems....
I have not contacted him, it 's him contacting me...But I know what I need to do..and that is cut off contact....
I know I don't want a life long partner that is going to put me through this many ups and downs, this early on....
I have not contacted him, it 's him contacting me...But I know what I need to do..and that is cut off contact....
I know I don't want a life long partner that is going to put me through this many ups and downs, this early on....
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I am also a recovering alcoholic as well as recovering codependent exspouse of an alcoholic.
As I learned, addicts dont have relationships; they take hostages.
It sounds like your A wants to keep you on the wire, there in case he needs you.
You are important. You have needs and a very precious life!
As I learned, addicts dont have relationships; they take hostages.
It sounds like your A wants to keep you on the wire, there in case he needs you.
You are important. You have needs and a very precious life!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: bethlehem pa
Posts: 14
I just wish I was not involved in all of this, a part of me wishes he would have figured out he could not be serious, before we were...... But I guess I saw all the signs he was not ready yet for a relationship......I should have ended it then.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Be gentle with yourself. Forgive yourself and learn from your experiences. We are all doing the best we can with the tools we have. The more we learn, the better equipped our tool belt becomes.
It will be difficult to stop taking his calls, texts and e-mails. You do this one day at a time. We are here to support you as you start taking care of yourself.
It will be difficult to stop taking his calls, texts and e-mails. You do this one day at a time. We are here to support you as you start taking care of yourself.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Glad you are here. I worry about him being around users. I think you would benefit from Alanon and the book Codependent No More by Melodie Bailie. I don't think I spelled it right. There are links where we study the book in here. I would go no contact with him. It gets easier like that eventually. The disease is out there getting stronger if he is not working his program. He is in a slippery place hanging around drinkers. You need to focus on you.
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Carol Star-
He actually does not hang out with users, that is the first time in a year, he says he did it to see how it would go...
He has been sober a year and still is...He s doing very well, or was... He is still not drinking, but says the weekend being around the drinking was hard and showed him how far he still has to come.
He actually does not hang out with users, that is the first time in a year, he says he did it to see how it would go...
He has been sober a year and still is...He s doing very well, or was... He is still not drinking, but says the weekend being around the drinking was hard and showed him how far he still has to come.
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Originally Posted by elenamercade1 
Carol Star-
He actually does not hang out with users, that is the first time in a year, he says he did it to see how it would go...
He has been sober a year and still is...He s doing very well, or was... He is still not drinking, but says the weekend being around the drinking was hard and showed him how far he still has to come.
He actually does not hang out with users, that is the first time in a year, he says he did it to see how it would go...
He has been sober a year and still is...He s doing very well, or was... He is still not drinking, but says the weekend being around the drinking was hard and showed him how far he still has to come.
How sure are you that he did not relapse? Has it crossed your mind?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Absolutely has, to tell you the truth It does...I think he did because all the sudden after that weekend he wanted time to be alone...I found out too that his sponsor had told him that he needed to take a break from me and focus on himself... A big part of me does think he may have relapsed...He even sounded very different after that weekend...Very distant..
There is no way to tell...I just hope he s ok. But, the bottom line is, I need to distance myself from him...I love him so much but it hurts to stay in touch with him, even though he wants that..I have to do what is best for myself.
There is no way to tell...I just hope he s ok. But, the bottom line is, I need to distance myself from him...I love him so much but it hurts to stay in touch with him, even though he wants that..I have to do what is best for myself.
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Originally Posted by elenamercade1
Absolutely has, to tell you the truth It does...I think he did because all the sudden after that weekend he wanted time to be alone...I found out too that his sponsor had told him that he needed to take a break from me and focus on himself... A big part of me does think he may have relapsed...He even sounded very different after that weekend...Very distant..
There is no way to tell...I just hope he s ok. But, the bottom line is, I need to distance myself from him...I love him so much but it hurts to stay in touch with him, even though he wants that..I have to do what is best for myself.
There is no way to tell...I just hope he s ok. But, the bottom line is, I need to distance myself from him...I love him so much but it hurts to stay in touch with him, even though he wants that..I have to do what is best for myself.
RUN
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His sponsor in the beginning of our relationship told him to take time away from me too..... And he couldnt do it...He told me we should be less serious, but he could not break up with me....
This time it was the same thing, only he did break it off.. And completely isolated himself...He did not want his parents coming to see him...It was very different
This time it was the same thing, only he did break it off.. And completely isolated himself...He did not want his parents coming to see him...It was very different
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