transformyself

Here's the deal
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-free-now.html

Well, AH was very civil today in texts regarding the kids and child care tonight, but about two hours ago he started sending me pretty ugly stuff. He's furious that I started dating and is saying every mean thing he can about me to me. I'm vaccillating between being annoyed and just wishing he would stop. I can feel those old hooks start to tug though.


I have been thinking, trying to figure out how to handle this. I know this sounds crazy, but I"m not triggering and am not sure of myself. I usually just freak the hell right out. But I want to be cautious and do the things I know will make me feel better. Good thing it's utterly absurd that he's accusing me of these things, I usually buy into them and get very upset.

I haven't responded and am deleting them.

the kids are gone with him now so I've got until tomorrow afternoon to do an ungodly amount of work for work and on the house. Thank goodness I love and am excited by my job.

I don't want to worry about waht he's going to do, buy into fear.

I can't turn my phone off because I use it for work. I have work to do tonight, then will turn my phone off and go to bed.

I'm going to find the other dog leash, take the little dogs for a walk and probably go to bed and get up at 4 to start working.

Thanks for letting me come here and work this out. I will be back if I get tempted to engage with him. I know, in my heart, that that is the wrong thing to do. And I don't want to either, right now, but I am worried about how consistent I can be. Worried about giving in.

Guess the answer to that is how hard am I willing to work?

LaTeeDa

Next step. Delete without reading.

L

transformyself

I cant'. He's got the kids. Can't cut off all contact. Can I forward them to you for screening?

LaTeeDa

Actually, that's a great idea. Do you have someone you could forward them to who could read them and let you know if it involves the children?

L

wanting

I'm laughing. What a d-bag. I understand your temptation to engage, because being a slob = annoying but sometimes even endearing, while cheating alcoholic = dealbreaker. Geez. I think you're smart to know not to engage. It's a losing battle. You have to keep your zen about you. I suppose he's like a mildly irritating mosquito at this point, which is a far cry from how you would have been affected by this before.

wanting

LOL, you can forward them to me and I'll translate them to say things like, "Nothing changes if nothing changes!" or, "Transform deserves to feel safe and happy!"

GiveLove

Forward them to Wicked and let her respond

Just kidding.

You'd know in the first few words whether it's anything urgent about the kids, and delete it. Aside from the fact that if someone were dying, he'd better not be sending you a freakin' text message.

Let someone else screen them, or read the first five words (keep your thumb over the rest) and if they aren't "(insert child's name here) needs you" then punch the delete key. Fast. Don't do this to yourself. It's part of the game. Don't play, and it can end here.

transformyself

This made me laugh out loud. Then I got a bit sad, but you're totally right. It's a buzzing- ok at times divebombing-mosquito right now, where as usually I let it take away my ability to function.

I'm worried he'll neglect or yell at the kids cause he's so stressed out. They're exhausted as it is because he bailed on me yesterday and didn't take them, so they were with my sister until 10pm while I finished proofing the last of the paper so the layout guy can send it to the printer. Deadline. had to work. thought ah would have them and scheduled that meeting.

now that I can see and focus on my kids lives instead of AH so much, it can be difficult to face the reality of how much help they need as well. They've suffered. My youngest has anxiety. True, he could have anxiety if Princess Di were his mother, but still. I know how I've been a less than perfect parent.

transformyself

GL have you seen Avatar?

Here's the vision I had reading your post. This part
you sang to me, parady of the sixties stye, dressed wth a ring of flowers in your hair and long flowing chiffon suit. Sang it out. It was hilarious.

But behind you was a ten foot tall Goddess (about the size of a Navi from Avatar if you've seen it) shooting gigantic arrows over your head one, two, three in a row.

Thanks for that.

suki44883

Don't go there! No one is a perfect parent. You've done the best you can do with what you have to work with. Your kids are doing reasonably well and if they need a little extra help, I'm sure you'll make sure they get it. You are a good mother and don't let anyone try to convince you otherwise, including yourself.

transformyself

Thank you Suki!

coffeedrinker

wow is just about all i can say. what vicious things to say. wow.

transformie, you are doing so well. ya know, even if he ramps this abuse up, because you are not responding, that will die out eventually too. nothing lasts forever. are you afraid at all - pardon me, i don't recall if violence is in the history. are you kids old enough to be able to phone you if they become really uncomfortable?

hope you're ok right about now.

transformyself

Thank you coffee
I'm only worried about the kids being neglected because he's destracted. That's all. He's so mad, but he will adress that to me, not them.
And he would never, ever do anything physical. He'd get drunk and say mean things, but I have never, ever seen him be physically aggressive.

wicked

Oh my, that would be delightful.

Hello? This is Wicked, Transforms screen caller, personal assistant and bodyguard.

LL, if you cannot speak instead of texting, I will block your calls.

Ah, there you are LL. Hmm, I would have thought your voice was lower, but it sounds like you are stuck in adolescence.

Transform does need a call screener, because she doesnt have time for every man who has a crush on her to interrupt her right now. I guess it's a good thing that your opinion matters not in these affairs.

What's that? You're a loving man, who tried to help Transform by calling her names? Hmm, sorry, that doesn't make sense. Wait! I get it now! You're drunk, that's why you don't make any sense.

Well, your time is up LL. If you give me your address, I will send you an autographed picture.
Where? Oh. Well. Okay, the lobster tank at Kroger. Say hello to your little friends for me.

LOL

Jadmack25

Forget being a perfect parent....transformie, ...there is NO such person. You are a darn good mum, and that is all that matters.

He may rant and rave about how "you blew this marriage because you're a slob and can't be relied on. You blew it." etc and quack, quack but you know who blew it out of the water. I'd rather be a slob than a backstabbing, cheater.

Guess he must have some very screwed ideas on morals and ethics, as a messy and homely house is not in the same league as cheating on your wife, or drinking your marriage down the drain.

Get on with your work, and let him go bite his rear end.

God bless

KeepPedaling

Delete without reading is SOOO HARD. I read a few recently. It's so hard not to.

transformyself

Sh*t! I wish I'd said that last night
instead of just deleting his texts.

And keep pedaling, I thought it was going to be hard to delete them, but it's actually better. If I don't delete them, I go back and read them and slowly begin to care, begin to worry about the whole thing.

And the only way to feel better is to let it go.

There were more texts today, I skimmed them when I woke up, deleting them. The last one was something about hating me only because he's so sad.

What a crazy sad man. I wish I could understand him. Sort of. God knows I tried. It's an unsolve-able puzzle though. He said he wanted to go to counceling, then he talked to OW at the bar (but hated it you see. She's disgusting and gross) and when I tried to talk to him about how that made me feel, he raged at me. Told me we had no committment and I would never change.

Um, ok.

So now it's my fault I believed him?

Trying to understand him, or defend myself, is useless. I hope he feels better, but he has to make that happen. I chose to make myself feel better by taking care of myself. I didn't do this to hurt him.

Here's the great news:
I have sooo much work to do, work I LOVE. I've been speaking on panels for about three weeks and each time I do, I get nervous on the way there. What will I say?

But when I say the most elementary thing to these relatively small crowds, they cheer! The information I have is still not in mainstream consciousness. I"m doing the right thing and affecting change.

This Saturday I have to speak to a crowd of about 1,000. Instead of worrying, I'm going to carefully shape my message. Practice it. It's only 3 minutes.

That's what I'm going to focus on now.

Here's my advice--create a life you love. Go live it.

transformyself

Well my sister just called me to ask what happened because AH has changed his facebook status from Married to Single and that he's looking for women to date.

"why didn't he change it two years ago?" she wanted to know.

guess I'll go defriend him now.

transformyself

I defriended him but all of his stuff still shows. Of course he has tons of comments about now being single. Looks like it's up to me to not go there.

Thumper

Hang in there. Ignore ignore ignore the emails. I have dozens and dozens and dozens of similar hateful emails full of quacking and hooks and manipulations. I only replied, in one sentence form, to the questions about the kids or house. Ignored everything else. It was hard because I wanted to defend myself, to be understood, but it doesn't matter (and a hopeless mission). I divorced him. I refuse to continue to stay entangled in his mean games.

The emails and phone calls did eventually stop. It helps that the house is sold, divorce is final, and really the only thing left to discuss are the kids. I send info (school reports, doctor visits) snail mail and wait until he contacts me (or we speak briefly during drop offs/pick ups).

I'm not his fb friend and never have been (he didn't get a fb page until after he moved out). I have no idea what is on there and I'm so glad. He isn't a friend to the kids on their pages. He probably can't find them actually, they would have to request him as a friend and he has not helped them do that - and I'm glad. I does snoop on mine because one time he posted a comment via the kids' page. Big deal. I'm glad he has nothing better to do.

I sincerely hope time will change this btw. My greatest wish for him and I now is that we can be raise our children in the same space and not be two separate satellites orbiting their world. I will be willing to forgive and forget if he ever gets to a place where he can do that without all the evil emails, hooks/baiting, etc.

OH - if you go to your privacy settings and block him you won't be able to see any of his stuff, and I don't think he'll see yours either.