I am at a low spot
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
I am at a low spot
My husband is irritated beacuse he notices the floor needs sweeping and he has to get out the broom and do it. Does it with a lot of heavy sighs and body language. He didn't like that I had my hair up in a bun and had on sweats saturday afternoon. He doesn't like when I cook meals because I dont clean up as I go like he would do.
He tells me these things last night...it explains why he was acting the way he was. He says he has no option but to act passive agressive toward me because other methods don't seem to work. He says that it's abnormal that I don't have complaints and criticisms of him. But you see...I am a tolerant, patient peson who trys not to have expectations of others or judge another. I am happy go lucky.
I guess my only criticism of him is his judgment of me and expectation that I do things a certain way. Now I am struggling with real dislike and resentment toward him - which makes me feel ill. What are your thoughts? We have been married 4 years, second time for both. We both work fulltime careers. thank you. I need some advice.
He tells me these things last night...it explains why he was acting the way he was. He says he has no option but to act passive agressive toward me because other methods don't seem to work. He says that it's abnormal that I don't have complaints and criticisms of him. But you see...I am a tolerant, patient peson who trys not to have expectations of others or judge another. I am happy go lucky.
I guess my only criticism of him is his judgment of me and expectation that I do things a certain way. Now I am struggling with real dislike and resentment toward him - which makes me feel ill. What are your thoughts? We have been married 4 years, second time for both. We both work fulltime careers. thank you. I need some advice.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,988
If you are both working outside the home, why shouldn't he get out the broom and sweep the floor? Why is it YOUR job to do that? You are allowed to wear your hair in any style you choose and if you want to wear sweats on a Saturday afternoon, then wear them. He sounds like a huge control freak. Next time he acts all passive agressive, just walk away and let him sigh to himself.
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
"the floor needs sweeping and he has to get out the broom and do it. Does it with a lot of heavy sighs and body language. He didn't like that I had my hair up in a bun and had on sweats saturday afternoon. He doesn't like when I cook meals because I dont clean up as I go like he would do."
Don't listen to me - I'm still sick! Anyway, I'd hide the broom, keep my bun for a week, buy even looser sweats, and buy those old fashioned swanson dinners (the ones with the tin foil, - they still sell 'em).
Don't listen to me - I'm still sick! Anyway, I'd hide the broom, keep my bun for a week, buy even looser sweats, and buy those old fashioned swanson dinners (the ones with the tin foil, - they still sell 'em).
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
This does seem to be a repeating pattern with the two of you. It seems that somewhere along the line, he got the idea that it is your job to make him happy. And, somewhere along the line, you decided to believe it. How do you think that happened? And, more importantly, what can you do to change it?
L
L
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
My comments in blue:
My husband is irritated beacuse he notices the floor needs sweeping by you
and he has to get out the broom and do it because he doesn't consider it his job because he doesn't have a uterus. Does it with a lot of heavy sighs and body language because the the big sighs and body language worked real good when he was 5 years old so he is still trying to make that thing work....
He didn't like that I had my hair up in a bun...and his hair would make angela divorce brad?.... and had on sweats saturday afternoon. He doesn't like when I cook meals because I dont clean up as I go like he would do.
With that spoiled attitude, he doesn't deserve anyone cooking meals for him...
He tells me these things last night...it explains why he was acting the way he was. He says he has no option but to act passive agressive toward me because other methods ...Of trying to control you....don't seem to work, so he embarrasses his st----d a-- explaining how he failed to control you...
He says that it's abnormal that I don't have complaints and criticisms of him. But you see...I am a tolerant, patient peson who trys not to have expectations of others or judge another. I am happy go lucky.
There is something wrong when he seems to feel so free to find fault with you. It is rather interesting that he wants you to find fault with him. Well, aside from thinking he is being really creepy with you, that is a good sign. I have honestly never met a guy who actually invited me to criticize him. Maybe by asking for criticism, he is asking for some kind of dialogue?
My husband is irritated beacuse he notices the floor needs sweeping by you
and he has to get out the broom and do it because he doesn't consider it his job because he doesn't have a uterus. Does it with a lot of heavy sighs and body language because the the big sighs and body language worked real good when he was 5 years old so he is still trying to make that thing work....
He didn't like that I had my hair up in a bun...and his hair would make angela divorce brad?.... and had on sweats saturday afternoon. He doesn't like when I cook meals because I dont clean up as I go like he would do.
With that spoiled attitude, he doesn't deserve anyone cooking meals for him...
He tells me these things last night...it explains why he was acting the way he was. He says he has no option but to act passive agressive toward me because other methods ...Of trying to control you....don't seem to work, so he embarrasses his st----d a-- explaining how he failed to control you...
He says that it's abnormal that I don't have complaints and criticisms of him. But you see...I am a tolerant, patient peson who trys not to have expectations of others or judge another. I am happy go lucky.
There is something wrong when he seems to feel so free to find fault with you. It is rather interesting that he wants you to find fault with him. Well, aside from thinking he is being really creepy with you, that is a good sign. I have honestly never met a guy who actually invited me to criticize him. Maybe by asking for criticism, he is asking for some kind of dialogue?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
This does seem to be a repeating pattern with the two of you.
He's never happy. There is always something to be critical of.
Again, I ask you. What are you getting out of this marriage?
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
jehnifer, isn't he the same man that makes it a big issue for your kid's friends to come over and stay the night?
yes he seems like a control freak. he suffers a lot. it takes one to know one. its a miserable life.. i live one like that too!
in one apartment the neighbor's singing made me crazy.
in another one the neighbor's peeping tom attitudes and yelling made me crazy. oh and also the way he washed his car so often.
in the current one, kids shouts make me crazy. and also the males swearing all day (i am next to a football practice camp..). oh and also some guys that sell water bottles that shout from 8 am to 9 am.
so ppl like me look forward to dying, having some silence and peace at least.
its a horrible way to live.... for any reason that we became this way though.. .we got the responsability to channel that into something constructive right?
therapy
sports
not being there when there is noise
putting ear plugs
using iPod
breathing
there are many things one can do and being angry or sad or alcoholic or whatever doesn't make it ok for anyone to abuse another person, and make others walk on eggshells.
if i dont like that my partner is on sweats:
i invite him out somewhere nice.
if my partner's hairdo sucks:
i say 'i prefer how you look this other way' then let go because i got 3526816 other more interesting things than how my partner's hair looks at a specific moment in time
if i don't like the way partner cooks/cleans
i go somewhere else while he cooks/cleans.
OR i help.
so i believe 2 ppl can live and feel exactly the same way
and one can turn that into a horrible hell
while the other can find some constructive way to express the feelings
not necessarily to the person in question.
and this other person also knows when to go somewhere else, leave the house, stay silent, say "mmmh. oh". and not engage. in oher words - knows which battles to fight...when to let go.
the only diff between me and this man is that i am aware of my shortcoming and i care when i hurt others. that i try to learn from my mistakes because i know i am hurting myself too.
he seems to like bugging you and for some reason you feel you deserve it
yes he seems like a control freak. he suffers a lot. it takes one to know one. its a miserable life.. i live one like that too!
in one apartment the neighbor's singing made me crazy.
in another one the neighbor's peeping tom attitudes and yelling made me crazy. oh and also the way he washed his car so often.
in the current one, kids shouts make me crazy. and also the males swearing all day (i am next to a football practice camp..). oh and also some guys that sell water bottles that shout from 8 am to 9 am.
so ppl like me look forward to dying, having some silence and peace at least.
its a horrible way to live.... for any reason that we became this way though.. .we got the responsability to channel that into something constructive right?
therapy
sports
not being there when there is noise
putting ear plugs
using iPod
breathing
there are many things one can do and being angry or sad or alcoholic or whatever doesn't make it ok for anyone to abuse another person, and make others walk on eggshells.
if i dont like that my partner is on sweats:
i invite him out somewhere nice.
if my partner's hairdo sucks:
i say 'i prefer how you look this other way' then let go because i got 3526816 other more interesting things than how my partner's hair looks at a specific moment in time
if i don't like the way partner cooks/cleans
i go somewhere else while he cooks/cleans.
OR i help.
so i believe 2 ppl can live and feel exactly the same way
and one can turn that into a horrible hell
while the other can find some constructive way to express the feelings
not necessarily to the person in question.
and this other person also knows when to go somewhere else, leave the house, stay silent, say "mmmh. oh". and not engage. in oher words - knows which battles to fight...when to let go.
the only diff between me and this man is that i am aware of my shortcoming and i care when i hurt others. that i try to learn from my mistakes because i know i am hurting myself too.
he seems to like bugging you and for some reason you feel you deserve it
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
just thankful
As usual been going through a hard time. But here is a pat on the back for me. I couldnt deal with my job stress and recovering right now and was really falling apart. Everything was getting to me. I spoke to my manager and told her a bit. She suggested I take a couple weeks of half unpaid and take care of myself. I am on day 2. I have been working out 2 hours a day and reading and writing and really taking care of me. This never happens in the business world but I have some peace finally and that is my HP at work. I can breathe again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by lulu1974
As usual been going through a hard time. But here is a pat on the back for me. I couldnt deal with my job stress and recovering right now and was really falling apart. Everything was getting to me. I spoke to my manager and told her a bit. She suggested I take a couple weeks of half unpaid and take care of myself. I am on day 2. I have been working out 2 hours a day and reading and writing and really taking care of me. This never happens in the business world but I have some peace finally and that is my HP at work. I can breathe again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Hi jehnifer,
I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship in the past, I know what it feels like, right down to being told that my hair "should" be this way or that, was told I didn't know how to REALLY cook, I didn't drive right, I didn't cuddle enough at night, etc., etc., etc. I couldn't win. Hell, I couldn't even breathe right, much less win.
That kind of control is suffocating, I used to say I was being put in a box with the walls closing in. It was horrible and I couldn't even figure it all out, I just finally knew I had to leave after 3 years of this (the first 6 months were good, after that, increasingly terrible).
I was not healthy enough to be on my own after that and soon became involved with my A. So as you know that comes with the accompanying behaviors...lying, manipulation, betrayal, talking about me negatively...interspersed with the most wonderful and loving moments that I was so hungry for that I stayed in that chaos for several months--almost a year.
There is nothing like emotional abuse to cut us to the core. It looks like emotional abuse to me when I read your words. If you are anything like me you will have to choose between him and yourself, because otherwise you will eventually end up hating both of you.
Remember that you're not alone.
posie
I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship in the past, I know what it feels like, right down to being told that my hair "should" be this way or that, was told I didn't know how to REALLY cook, I didn't drive right, I didn't cuddle enough at night, etc., etc., etc. I couldn't win. Hell, I couldn't even breathe right, much less win.
That kind of control is suffocating, I used to say I was being put in a box with the walls closing in. It was horrible and I couldn't even figure it all out, I just finally knew I had to leave after 3 years of this (the first 6 months were good, after that, increasingly terrible).
I was not healthy enough to be on my own after that and soon became involved with my A. So as you know that comes with the accompanying behaviors...lying, manipulation, betrayal, talking about me negatively...interspersed with the most wonderful and loving moments that I was so hungry for that I stayed in that chaos for several months--almost a year.
There is nothing like emotional abuse to cut us to the core. It looks like emotional abuse to me when I read your words. If you are anything like me you will have to choose between him and yourself, because otherwise you will eventually end up hating both of you.
Remember that you're not alone.
posie
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Next time the floor needs sweeping, and he moans about doing it, tell him, "that's fine, just leave it til you feel able to sweep it."
If he whinges about your hair, go and get an expensive style cut and if he freaks out, tell him, "you didn't like it how it was, and it doesn't do it's own cutting and styling.
Same about your trackies, either wear your good gear, then say it is "too good to cook or clean in"....
When he says you never complain about him, tell him.."I have so many, if I get started on you, I will most likely just walk out the door and leave you, so I say nothing".
OR you could bring out a list and start reading them to him.
He is a control freak and what he is doing is emotional abuse... so what did you think of doing to stop him paying out on you? You sure need to do something...NOW.
God bless
If he whinges about your hair, go and get an expensive style cut and if he freaks out, tell him, "you didn't like it how it was, and it doesn't do it's own cutting and styling.
Same about your trackies, either wear your good gear, then say it is "too good to cook or clean in"....
When he says you never complain about him, tell him.."I have so many, if I get started on you, I will most likely just walk out the door and leave you, so I say nothing".
OR you could bring out a list and start reading them to him.
He is a control freak and what he is doing is emotional abuse... so what did you think of doing to stop him paying out on you? You sure need to do something...NOW.
God bless
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