CAPTAINZING2000

I was in the past but I know that it's better for me to be independent.

Freedom1990

I'm a recovering codependent as well as a recovering addict/alcoholic.

Codependency permeated every aspect of my life, not just with the EXAH.

I thought when I left the EXAH, the bulk of my problems was solved.

That codependency bled over into my relationships with my parents, my adult children, my grandchildren, and coworkers.

I apply the principles of Alanon to all areas of my life just like the principles of AA.

Bernadette

I think I am a "recovered codependent." I behave so differently now than I did 10 years ago. Radically different. But still have to be mindful. Still have to keep my AlAnon and therapy tools in my back pocket!

peace-
b

Freedom1990

You gave me pause on that statement, Bernadette! I guess I can get all tangled up in semantics sometimes. I do behave differently now than when I was in stark-raving, untreated codependency mode 24/7!

I am recovered from that constant state of insanity, but I also know I can relapse into old codependent ways, like I did with my youngest daughter recently.

I see it as comparable to the fact I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body in my alcoholism, but I am not cured.

Clear as mud?

CAPTAINZING2000

Did you like to be in control in a relationship ??

Freedom1990

Who are you addressing with that question, CZ?

kelsh

I was always concerned with the issue of everyone "liking me" & let just about anyone walk all over me until I got sober & worked the program to the best of my ability....hard for me to accept that I was a valued person all on my own.

I like my alone time still but like having my spouse around...he is very co-dependent on me due to his disability but I let that happen over the years so if I am within sight or hearing distance he always has something he wants me to do. I do remind him that he can put a can of pop in his pocket...he uses crutches to get around with now....& other little things he can do on his own.
He has been retired 16 years & I retired 10 years ago so we spend a lot of time together.

I so enjoy being able to speak my mind & not have someone put me down like my second husband did.


kelsh

CAPTAINZING2000

sort of!

My ex had to be in control over everything. Real unhealthy


I did work everyday and would manage the money but, she hated not having control over the check book as well


Seems many people married to or living with alcoholics have to take control over the household due to the spouses spending the money for drinking

BuffaloGal

Nope, didn't learn it at home as a child-- my ingrained pattern is that safety = solitude, which creates its own set of problematic consequences.

Carol Star

I am an alcodependentcodaholicaddict.

CAPTAINZING2000

that's a mouthful

kia

i am a co dependant no doubt in my mind and trying to overcome it question is if i do wi11 that change the person i am inside make me a hard person xx

Ceres

"alcodependentcodaholicaddict."

I'm with Carol.

PHIZ007

I have always been pretty independent. I am comfortable with it too! Interesting post CZ......Phiz :0)

coffeedrinker

I sorta fit this description - not super dee duper control freaky, but enough. I did not realize it, or see that it was a problem, until well into my alanon career. I was just smart about a lot of things - I took time to learn about good parenting, for instance - he was fairly irresponsible, and I knew better. Case closed.

I wouldn't say they "have to" take over the spending cuz the spouse is reckless - mine was often better at handling money things, keeping a balance in the checkbook, etc, than I was! It's more of a codependent personality trait. I think there are many reasons for this dynamic.

CAPTAINZING2000

It does limit their ability to buy alcohol

Thumper

I didn't vote.

I prefer to be alone. Perhaps I take control freak a little to far and find other people just to darn difficult

However - I do classify myself as codependent, for sure.

I think my xah is codependent as well. Very much so actually and he is the oppostive of me in our codependent behaviors. I think we probably seemed like a good fit at first and just tortured the hell out of each other in the end, not even on purpose but just because of our own personal issues.

bookwyrm

Thumper, are you sure you're not describing me and my XAH?

JenT1968

to me codependency is just a long list of behaviours, some I exhibit, some I don't, some I used to more than now, some never.

I am very happy in my own company, always have been, it is how I view my reflection in the eyes of others that troubles me. I would like at some point to be in a relationship, not now, and that is always how I feel coming out of one. My main difficulties are low self-esteem and a basic phobia of being judged by people (like an extreme shyness).

I'm not "addicted to relationships" or "addicted to love" or "addicted to addicts", but I am passive when it comes to choosing who I relate with/to, I let myself be swept along into and within a relationship at their pace and direction without ever really assessing what I want/need and whether I'm getting that.

I have fuzzy edges to my notion of "self", and I can end up losing my identity within any relationship. If the other person I am relating to is basically benign or lovely, no huge harm done to me (although they may find it iritating and wander away), if the other person has huge issues and damaging behaviours, I have few defences and critically I don't recognise them or choose to stay away.

I'm not quite solid, fuzzy at the edges, passive: people flow through and around me, I need to define myself and my limits, where I end.

Carol Star

Thumper that was me and my XAH "torturing each other".........yep..I am definitely a code. My Mom was. I didn't realize it until I was divorced.