TakingCharge999

Sorry Miss I didn't want to hijack your thread.

Well we had an earthquake alarm (just a test) and guess who HAD to be just beside me while we walked to the safe area?

I heard his stupid laugh for like 20 minutes straight. It sounded fake and forced. I tried to breathe and think "how does my body feel when I let go?"

I remembered my advice to MissFixIt and thought perhaps I could apply it to me?? UGH! but I accept it still gets me.

I'm so glad I got dancing lessons later, so I'll just go there and dance the anger out of my system I hope.

The good thing is that I look smashing today... well my favorite jeans and a very flattering top...

I still got nightmares about him and it sucks. I am wearing a very high stiletto and wanted to kick him so bad... too bad I had at least 2 thousand witnesses, all the other people in the office towers, LOL.

Miss, we will overcome this... I'll do ANYTHING.. anything... to achieve indifference.

I feel like such an idiot for believing he was a great person and mourning him. And STILL feeling anger. The a$$hole I see now is a total stranger. Wow.

Good thing I got my visualization - I always imagine he is drunk.



Thanks for listening.

TakingCharge999

Coworkers just invited me for a drink. Why not? its been months and I need a laugh.

barb dwyer

And you're free ... to go if you want.

GREAT for you - the
'what do I stand like when I'm relaxed" thing... :ghug3

Self- awareness... is not anything like self-consciousness.

Sorry for the run in ... but you held fast!!!!

coffeedrinker

yay, sounds great.

hope you had fun

Ceres

"I heard his stupid laugh for like 20 minutes straight. It sounded fake and forced."

Oh, I so know how that is! ick.

Jadmack25

Yikes, 20 minutes of fake laugh. Maybe he, like the hyena, laughs when nervous or threatened, so next time you are stuck with "laughing boy", conjure up a memory of this hyena who is **** scared of YOU. I bet that helps ease your nerves.

God bless

TakingCharge999

Well HP must want me to get anger out of my system because I've been overhearing him aaaaaaaaaaaall morning! and I have been working and talking to others so no way to leave my cubicle. UGH!!

Journaling now.

TakingCharge999

For anyone who can actually go No contact you are in heaven! and if you are wondering what they are doing, if they are in a way similar to XABF, they are generally the same, talking about beers, women, laughing about stupid comments, without a care in the world.

I am nauseated. Ill go take some stairs now. I have to pass next to him. I'll talk to my imaginary friend in my mobile..

lulu1974

hmm.no contact for me has been tough..not because i miss him..when I miss him I picture him drunk and stupid and that helps me get through but I have to face myself now. That has been the most challenging this. Being alone. By myself. Facing my demons. Oy. And there is nothing I can do..I cant run away..if I get in the car and drive far away..I will still have self and the issues so I am trying to make nice now..The inner child can be a real challenge for me.

Carol Star

When my XAH would leave voicemails it would bug me. My therapist said..."it's just a voice"...........it is just a voice.

TakingCharge999

Life no, day no, but mood for a while yes!

Thanks anvil, issue here is al anon meetings are early morning weekdays and I can't attend. But with another post from Freedom I thought about making an effort in that direction. As it is.. during my lunch hour I passed a new Alanon I hadn't seen, I hope their schedules suit me...

I wrote insults for him in english and spanish and the paper is ready to get burned tonight!

I went for sushi and walking under the sun helped. I smiled to strangers. I bought stuff for the cats and ready to take care of them today.


I thought "it was not worth it" because at the moment I "only" feel bad when there is close contact... but it dawns on me... I don't deserve to feel bad anytime AT ALL! DUH! lightbulb moment!

I know its my choice to work here and stay here, it helps to think of all the reasons I am here. Nothing is related to him.


Also I asked for ticket prices $ to have a small holiday next month, they are affordable...

Well! today at 530 I will see the keyboard I have dreamed about for months now, afterwards I'll drive to the Alanon and check the schedules! then off to karate! which is also in the same block as that new Alanon, lol... "healing street"... its like they got a sign "finally, we were waiting for you TC999"


Mainly I just feel like an idiot for believing Jekyll was real and I am ashamed of myself for considering him a partner and friend once in my life. :wtf2 was I thinking???????? :wtf2

TakingCharge999

I joke with myself when we get a high severity incident that sounds like an unsolvable mistery that would need lots of work, testing and coordination... this thread could have the same soundtrack:

TakingCharge999

Yes that is the purpose of the exercise anvil, to accept they exist and then release them to God. To "get them out". I agree resentment is a horrible feeling (ah but very familiar to me...)

Its like that "thank you, i love you, goodbye" stuff... you got to visualize the person/feelings and give them a moment... then release them...

TakingCharge999

Anger at myself is the next topic in my individual therapy... when one realizes is angry with her own past and choices.. what then? I don't know what happens next.

Freedom1990

Oh no, now I'm boogy-woogying to Benny Goodman!

(I grew up listening to Benny Goodman-my dad played sax and clarinet in a dance band)

Jadmack25

Sorry you have had your ex-hyena in your ear at work all morning, but isn't it wonderful to know that....you get to leave him there....

YOU DO NOT TAKE HIM HOME WITH YOU.

He belongs to someone else now, and they can have the hassles, misbehavior and that damned, inane laugh.....they are welcome to it aren't they?

You can relax in peace and quiet.....oh well, at least you can try for peace and quiet.

God bless

Carol Star

Thanks. My Dad played drums in a swing/jazz band and I grew up to it too!

gns

TC99 - sometimes it takes a LOOOONNNNGGGGG time to get over everything. I think it took me 2 years to unpack all the crap involved in the relationship. It is only now (3-3.5 years later) that I really feel indifferent.

Be gentle with yourself!

Maybe there is some more stuff to unlock?