TakingCharge999

So now 9 lives depend on me, my 2 cats, 6 foster cats and a human.

I got troubles understanding the difference between my codieness and supporting my partner when he needs my financial support.

He got fired after 3 months. He was told they would raise their salary after 3 months of work. Then yesterday they fired some technicians and him as well.

I suspect that is typical MO of that "company", to hire people with empty promises, ask them for many many hours more than normal, then kick them and hire some other new ones with hopes.

The bad thing is that now that its ALL on me at least while he gets another job (and we all know how "quick" that is) I feel my plans will need to be delayed, which plans? going to the dentist and therapist for instance..... some car repairs... and I resent him.

Guess I need to put down my priorities. I am willing to get by with Cheerios a few days in exchange of a therapist session....

Anyway I feel good I do not depend on him financially. That would suck.



Yesterday after my dance lessons I went to have dinner somewhere I like, and BF arrived with red eyes and sad for those news and also because Friday is his last day. Also, because one of his ex coworkers had a car accident last weekend. It was a long weekend down here due to a national holiday.

His mom died.
He is now quadriplegic.



I try to think of this coworker, imagine one day everything's fine and the next day you are unable to move your limbs, for life. I told BF THOSE were hardships, not our temporary lack of $$. We can still eat and we are still healthy and we have a roof over our heads and can keep it.

I tried to tell him God had better plans and I could offer my help next paycheck, at least to pay the rent, maintenance, and food.

He also fumigates homes and with Spring almost starting he may get some small jobs to do. He said he felt bad and would try to help from whatever job he gets from that. His family is self employed and he is trying to get contracts from the government.

Good vibes are welcome. Thanks for listening.

Jadmack25

So sorry TC, that you cop another kick in the purse and need to prioritise your needs all over again.
Some companies need dumping at sea, as their business ethics make pirates and sharks look good.

I hope it is all sorted very soon, and bf is fully employed at something secure and that he loves doing, so will ask for the best blessings to be given to you.

God bless

CAPTAINZING2000

(((hugs)))

Praying it turns around for you!!

ItsmeAlice

Sending my prayers along, too, TC.

I'm so sorry things just don't seem to staying on an easy path for you. Life is a roller coaster, yes, but sometimes enough is enough.

You are not facing this hardship alone. You have someone to hug it out with and get through it with, and that is a blessing. Best wishes to BF on the job hunt!

I agree with what you have posted, set out your priorities, make them known to him, and don't feel you have to float him along indefinitely. Give him a reasonable amount of time to get some income coming in or he'll have to find shelter elsewhere. The cats are a whole lot cheaper to keep than a full grown man. These days, all those with able bodies have to pull their own weight and pay their own way. One person cannot carry another so easily.

Hang in there my friend. You are coping with this news very well. Use the tools you have learned to work through the problem. Your higher power must really want you to learn this lesson for it to come up again. You can do this!!!

Alice

TakingCharge999

The cats are a whole lot cheaper to keep than a full grown man.

You haven't seen the cats eating

Thank you very much for the support.

I may tell him: ok I will pay everything for a month (rent and maintenance and car park which are our heavy unavoidable expenses) for April.

After you get on your feet again you will pay back the favor and pay ALL those things above for another month.

To me that is fair. I am not Santa Claus nor millionaire..... now wish me luck telling this to BF.....

He hasn't even finished school yet so its difficult for me to know what's fair.. I tend to think he is younger etc and I am further down the road....

Then again *sigh* instead of improving my life it seems I am just poorer. BF said he wants to be a commercial airline pilot... the training costs 45000 USD, for 2 years.

I got like 2 dollars in the bank... that sum is ridiculous over here. I told BF I can email my dad so they can talk about it, because my dad/uncle are pilots and didn't have much money first..... but BF says it would be embarrasing for him...... now fighting with codie self that wants to fix his life and send the email. If he wants it? he goes for it. If he wants to know more HE asks ME for dad's email. I had told him I would support him if he ever saves enough for that but I am finding I am too generous with my money........

UGH.

Freedom1990

Actually you've pretty well said what I was thinking, Anvil.

Color me stupid, but honestly, just what I've read about this BF so far has me scratching my head on just what he has/is bringing to the table in this relationship.

TakingCharge999

Thanks for your points of view.

Did I mention he also owes me money?




Is making more money than someone else enough reason not to want that same someone in your life?

How do you know if you are being taken advantage of or if it really has been "the circumstances"?

Is it a codie thing to have a partner that is not on your same economical level?



Anvil, no, he got fired from the job due to the economy of the company and is now training someone else. Sorry maybe my vocabulary is misleading, I'm not sure if being fired has bad connotations.

When he joined, someone else trained HIM for that same vacant. His boss said he would recommend him if they got another opening so he left with the doors opened really.

He has been self employed for a while now. He is going back to that, saving $ then going back to school and finishing it. And the 2 months we've been together he has paid half the rent. I guess what I mean to say is that if I didn't see him trying I wouldn't be there. I know he feels bad about it as well. Another aspect of machism, how come your partner is a succesful engineer while you are jobless and not have a title yet?

Anyway we agreed on going to couples conseling as well. So. That is my #1 priority for my next paycheck. It will be interesting to see what the therapist says. I had asked before, and also my parents, and they said if it was temporary, fine. If he is doing something about it, fine. If he worked hard and had an interest on improving his life and $$, fine.

Thanks for the time limit idea. I like it.

PS you are right about "his dream". Its his so HE goes after it if HE wants. If he wants someone to lend him money there are banks out there gosh its like I'm in 2 modes, the "supporting" partner then the 1 who knows better.....

Duped

At least he's trying.

Mine didn't even bother to seek employment. I moved in and was paying all the rent, plus the bills and anything else. All the while getting trampled on.

So at least that's a different perspective, it could be worse, and that's not to say it couldn't get worse.

Freedom1990

You've been together 2 months and you're already going to seek couple's counseling?

I'm not trying to be harsh, honestly. I'm just not getting it, hon.

It pains me to see you struggling with things I don't think you should be struggling with right now after all you went through with the ex.

Freedom1990

Speaking of drama, it took some time after I booted Amber out to realize that there was one big thing missing in my life...drama.

I had no frigging idea that after I finally got serious about addressing my codependency issues and was not going to get involved with any men during that process, that some day I would become addicted to drama with my KIDS!

At first it was wonderful and quiet when she left. Then I got a vague uncomfortable feeling that I couldn't put my finger on.

So as I started peeling off some layers while journaling, I realized that I had once again undergone the subtle process of getting all involved in someone else's crap, wringing my hands and wailing about the situation, and then, viola, it was gone when she left! What was I going to do with myself?

Holy guacamole Batman! All it takes is one phone call from her and an accounting of the latest drama in her life, and I am so damned grateful I don't have to live like that.

It's been very freeing for me.

TakingCharge999

We've been together for a year in April. We moved in 2 months ago.

Yup, couples counseling. We don't understand each other about money, sex and about who does the laundry.. Gosh we are not even original with our issues.

Hey, wait. I have never celebrated a year with anyone...

Can I be honest? Honestly in my heart and from living with him, I do not think he is out to get what he can from me. I just see someone struggling and trying too hard. He has worked since being a teenager. He has paid his own university, his dad never put a cent. I respect people that do that because my career was hard and I can't even imagine keeping a job while studying one.

Also bear in mind- I don't make much MORE than him- we have also been broke and have gone without much $$ together. Just in case I gave the impression of being a millionaire giving him all my money.

Thanks Freedom your post made me all teary at work. I have also thought about that, how I am here because I have played my cards right, finished the career then get this job, I should be enjoying a few things of life now.

The other day I got angry because I was preparing to leave for a spa for a back massage and he asked how much it was, that probably a fortune and somewhere else it was better and cheaper.... I told him it wasn't his f*** money so it was none of his business.... we both ended up crying... oh the drama....




So, ok let's say he goes back to his family. Then all the rent is on me not one month but the rest of the year.... that is not to my advantage $$ either...

Sigh. Ok, talking about work, I remember I actually have WORK to do. Going back to it or else there will not be any money to discuss about......

Thanks for your input I appreciate your points of view and food for thought.

ItsmeAlice

After you get on your feet again you will pay back the favor and pay ALL those things above for another month.


I think this is a fantastic way to approach the issue. I wish I had stood my ground with XABF every time he quit a job or got laid off or got let go. Whatever you call it, it's still a burden on a two-income household.

My XABF had one dreamy dream after another. He talk and talk about all the big careers he wanted to have and I paid for school or support him while he pursued whatever it was. I even worked his frelance jobs while he went to school every week along with paying a large portion of his school fees. What did that get me....an XABF who never made anything with the training to the point where I was ready to hire someone to do the work for him around the house. I couldn't even get my money's worth at home for that stupid certificate. Ugh!

This is my experience, of course, and your's is your own. I offer just offer this up to support you in being cautious about supporting your BF long term or whenever his fancy changes to a new career. You are right, if he needs money there are banks he can go to.

You are your own person and having him in your life is not about money so that shouldn't be the reason you are in his life. You can be supportive without it costing you a dime. How about a peck a on the cheek and a gift of postage stamps to mail out those job applications? Write him a love note reminding him of all the qualities you like about him to give him confidence going out for those interviews?

Alice

TakingCharge999

No anvil, we will share the expense of the therapy of course. He said he would do anything for us to work out our issues. So, tonight I'll mention it to him.

Regardless of that I am saving for one session for myself.

IT will be fun for the therapist for me to go back after like 10 months. I always go with her when I have issues with a partner lol. I hope we can also go together so she can kick both our a$$e$.


Thanks Its Me Alice, you are right this is the same lesson as before. I have been more or less able to be smarter with my heart (not really obssessing over this like I used to, I still get to enjoy my day and my stuff *****!! ) but now it is obvious I also need to be less "generous" (can you spell DUMB?) about my money.

Freedom1990

Just some food for thought, so please don't feel you need to respond. Then I will butt out of this thread.

Is the financial gain from having a roommate/BF worth the emotional turmoil that seems to continue, and that has precipitated couple's counseling (and on your dime)?

I wish you nothing but the best in life, sincerely.

TakingCharge999

Thanks itsMe for your last post! yes, you are right.

Also I can say 'ok BF, stay home. No problem I'll pay whatever.

NOW... I want my clothes clean and ironed, the dishes washed, and for YOU to prepare my vegetarian lunch, take care of the cats, plants, litterboxes, go to the vet, look good when I arrive... generally solve my life, as you expect me to do for you, WHILE I support global networks and sometimes don't even get to sleep'

Hohohoho!! let's see if that's so easy and quick as he says.

TakingCharge999

Freedom... I know... thanks.

He would have to put half of the money for therapy otherwise I am still going but alone.

I think this forum is biased as many here come to share hardships and not many people come here to say "I had a great day" then the next day "I had another wonderful day" then the next day "there has been progress".

Emotional turmoil, there have been very bad moments but they seem workable by both parties. At least today. All couples have issues. One thing is to arrange money matters, logistics etc. the other one is actively seeking fights or drama.

For ME.. today.. being alone would be peaceful yes, but I wouldn't be learning so much about myself... I would be there with my cats afraid of failing on my next relation. I prefer to be with him and try to learn, if it indeed is about him not trying or money being an unsurmountable issue then I always have the choice.

I'll keep you posted...... and thanks all, feel free to be honest that is what this forum is for.

TakingCharge999

You make me feel as if other partners didn't have issues at all.


XABF made more than me and has a secure job, well there was major chaos and drama, money is not everything. At least not for me. Compared to that this relation is all roses with practical things to look at.

In this relation I don't feel the other one is dancing the "jarabe tapatío" all over my heart.

Anvil, good point! So from that I gather we will never go to couples conseling. But guess what I just made my own appointment to go by myself well in case I didn't mention it before, he also is self employed so I'm hoping he can pay from those odd jobs.

Freedom, its all about me for most of the time.. when I wake up and do my yoga.. when I am at work and do my own thing... when I cook for myself and take care of my pets... when I go to my dance lessons... when I take a bath with candles on. When I talk to my friends......when I can offer a sincere hug to BF.... when we consider things that may help us navigate our lives better.

I think couples counseling is a huge step forward and its not a red flag but actually a GOOD SIGN he is willing to talk and seek help and try to get me. I also think its GREAT we start going early in our relation so we communicate better.

I also own my part, I don't even know the exact $$ he owes me and have not even asked for it. That is my issue. I can calculate it, bring it to the table. To me June looks good.

"By June you'll pay the rent, expenses, and give me back the $ I lent you. With an interest rate of Z. And you'll invite me fajitas at posh restaurant X as a sign of gratitude for my efforts"

Works for me. Thanks for the idea. I'll keep you posted.......

geraldatwork

Sometimes it is hard to look at our own situation. It may help to look at your thread and pretend someone else posted it on the forum. Somebody you were not familiar with. What would you think then?

TakingCharge999

Reality hit me like a ton of bricks.

I had thought about "WHEN is it about me?" and my answer is.. NEVER??????? damn!

Well yesterday I told BF that I was not going to give away my hard earned money. And that he would pay back the favor after he is back on his feet. He agreed then went on about how he has suffered a lot in his life,how the economy sucks, yadda yadda but I just said "mmh. oh" and stuck to my guns. He said he was trying and worked hard, etc and I said yes I don't discuss that, I just want to be fair.

Then he said meanwhile he could help me out with dishes etc and I laughed hard and said LOL that is what you expect from me, and what I do, and when its ME those tasks are NOT considered "pay" or "work" or anything "extra"

Life can be so ironic.

Then he said his "machism" was for our own good. I answered what kind of good came from actions that separated us?


Its like playing ping pong and now I am getting the ball back to his court...


I feel better with that agreement. I feel better now that I will put a date when he has to pay me back what he owes me. How dumb, I hadn't realized I was suffering for money due to HIM.

And I also feel good for going to therapy myself. I decided he is the one who brings up couple counseling again, if he wants.

But I also thought hard about this and listened to a few close friends. Its true he is trying. I am SURE he is not out there wasting money on anything else. He is already looking for another job. It is not fair to leave him now. Partners are supposed to support each other.. I just need to create boundaries about my money... and that's NOT the end of the world...

Thanks. Today I am decided not to be obsessed about HIS lack of money or HIS future. Back to my own world things don't look so grim.

Jadmack25

Think one of those bricks bounced off my head, TC.
It is "funny" how the simple tasks of washing dishes, putting one's dirty laundry in the bag, setting the table, vacuuming the floor, can denote the importance of who does them.

The woman, no matter if she works outside the home, is usually the one doing the housework as well, and it is deemed as "just unpaid housework". Often, should her H , BF or child do any of them, they seem to take on a different aspect, and suddenly the task has a monetary value, can even require accolades for being done.

For you TC, coming home from a fulltime job, no doubt tired, but dinner needs fixing, then dishes need washing.....no value put on your doing these things, no accolades.

BF is not working, is light on financially and offers his dishwashing expertise in place of a cash contribution to living expenses......Ahhhhh Grrrrr!!!

You now realise your own worth better than you have in the past, and knocked that idea back to him. Well done on your stand for yourself and the rest of us.

My kids got pocket money each week, for doing chores and errands that were over and above those I expected from them.
I never paid them for making their own beds, keeping their rooms clean, doing dishes or setting the table, as these tasks are part of family life, and it is for their comfort to have a tidy bed and room...not mine. I figure if you live as a family then you contribute to the comfort and enjoyment as a family, out of love not for payment.

If you pay the way for a month or two, then BF, when financially able returns the favour for the same length of time.....that is a partnership of equals. It also cuts out that "you owe me $so much" hassle that can cause heaps of trouble.

As for his dreams of becoming a pilot, well TC, that is up to him as this is his dream to chase, not yours.

Hope you are all sorted and he is employed very soon. Stay strong my girl.

God bless
Hope