Scared
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
cagreg9,
Growing up with an alcoholic father & all that it does to the family really sux!!!!!!!!!
Heartbreaking but all too familiar essay from your DD. She sounds like a very strong and capable person. I hope she reaches out for support through AlAnon/AlAteen. Her words could really help some other young person. Wish I could have met and Pow-wowed with someone like her when I was 19.
From my experience cagreg I hope you are also getting support from AlAnon. Unfortunately my mom's codependence and refusal to change was just as poisonous as dad's drinking. And when my dad did finally choose sobriety and got into AA and worked his recovery he REALLY changed and became the most enlightened, kind, patient and respectful person in my life. And my mom was still the same. She had blamed the alcoholism for so many years, focused on it so keenly, had made dad the only problem, the cause of every misery.
She had so lost herself, and so compromised herself in reaction to his alcoholism for so many years I don't think she knew who she was.
Once the active alcoholism was gone and her own unhealthy behaviors were so evident it was really sad that she couldn't grapple with them and find a way to change and grow. She did attend AlAnon, but she never worked the program sincerely. She was a "dry" codependent! To this day her very best qualities remain warped and she actively enables my alcoholic brothers. And I have to admit I don't have a very authentic relationship with her.
She still can go on and on about all she suffered w/ my dad, still waiting for something/someone (my dad? who has passed on???) to give her some kind of a medal for all she endured. When in reality the power is within her each day, at any moment, to release these resentments and stop acting the martyr. She had choices all along, all those years, just like my dad did. She didn't choose to remove her 5 kids from the mayhem, even though she had the means. I mean it wouldn't have been easy but it would have been right. All she thinks of is ways to justify her past behavior, no responsibility. Anyway - that's all over and done.
I applaud you for filing for divorce. Keep taking the next right step to protect yourself and your family. And try, try to get the focus off him and off "if I could get him to sell his stocks then that would help us, etc...." I mean, pursue the legal channels, take the emotion out of it, and then Let It Go for the lawyers to duke it out.
Meanwhile, are you working? Can you focus on ways to continue to gain your own financial independence? Read your daughter's essay again. Nowhere does it say I wish I had more stuff or more money or more "lifestyle!" She laments mostly the loss of respect for her dad and the shocking painful revelation that love can turn to hate. Children need love, and consistency and peace in their home life, if you have those then even financial struggles can be borne in a healthy way.
You just seem so consumed with worry about things that are out of your control and related to HIM. Maybe give AlAnon a try, get a sponsor and really work that program. It is a life-change/lifesaver!
Get out and get some of this gorgeous sunshine and fresh air that has finally come to the northeast!! Do something nice for YOU! (((((hugs)))))
Peace
--B
Growing up with an alcoholic father & all that it does to the family really sux!!!!!!!!!
Heartbreaking but all too familiar essay from your DD. She sounds like a very strong and capable person. I hope she reaches out for support through AlAnon/AlAteen. Her words could really help some other young person. Wish I could have met and Pow-wowed with someone like her when I was 19.
From my experience cagreg I hope you are also getting support from AlAnon. Unfortunately my mom's codependence and refusal to change was just as poisonous as dad's drinking. And when my dad did finally choose sobriety and got into AA and worked his recovery he REALLY changed and became the most enlightened, kind, patient and respectful person in my life. And my mom was still the same. She had blamed the alcoholism for so many years, focused on it so keenly, had made dad the only problem, the cause of every misery.
She had so lost herself, and so compromised herself in reaction to his alcoholism for so many years I don't think she knew who she was.
Once the active alcoholism was gone and her own unhealthy behaviors were so evident it was really sad that she couldn't grapple with them and find a way to change and grow. She did attend AlAnon, but she never worked the program sincerely. She was a "dry" codependent! To this day her very best qualities remain warped and she actively enables my alcoholic brothers. And I have to admit I don't have a very authentic relationship with her.
She still can go on and on about all she suffered w/ my dad, still waiting for something/someone (my dad? who has passed on???) to give her some kind of a medal for all she endured. When in reality the power is within her each day, at any moment, to release these resentments and stop acting the martyr. She had choices all along, all those years, just like my dad did. She didn't choose to remove her 5 kids from the mayhem, even though she had the means. I mean it wouldn't have been easy but it would have been right. All she thinks of is ways to justify her past behavior, no responsibility. Anyway - that's all over and done.
I applaud you for filing for divorce. Keep taking the next right step to protect yourself and your family. And try, try to get the focus off him and off "if I could get him to sell his stocks then that would help us, etc...." I mean, pursue the legal channels, take the emotion out of it, and then Let It Go for the lawyers to duke it out.
Meanwhile, are you working? Can you focus on ways to continue to gain your own financial independence? Read your daughter's essay again. Nowhere does it say I wish I had more stuff or more money or more "lifestyle!" She laments mostly the loss of respect for her dad and the shocking painful revelation that love can turn to hate. Children need love, and consistency and peace in their home life, if you have those then even financial struggles can be borne in a healthy way.
You just seem so consumed with worry about things that are out of your control and related to HIM. Maybe give AlAnon a try, get a sponsor and really work that program. It is a life-change/lifesaver!
Get out and get some of this gorgeous sunshine and fresh air that has finally come to the northeast!! Do something nice for YOU! (((((hugs)))))
Peace
--B
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 32
Yes I worry constantly, not for myself but for my children. My daughter who wrote that essay, also lost her free tuition at college when my husband lost his job, it was a benefit. I have never seen her so happy, she has grown so much at college, and she deserves to go back. I'm afraid if she can't it will honestly destroy her.She deserves to go back and I will do anything in my power to help her.I am working per diem and going on interviews, but its tough out there.I honestly don't want much from life but for my kids to have a home and the option to go to college. Since they were very young, it has been what we have talked over and over about. Its never been "when I get out of high school" Its always been "When I get out of college".
My daughter sent that essay to her Dad when she wrote it his response"What a well written esaay" Thats it.
My daughter sent that essay to her Dad when she wrote it his response"What a well written esaay" Thats it.
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