cagreg9

Served my AH with divorce papers last Monday. I didn't want to but had no choice, not supporting us financially so it was a must He was asked to leave last May, so this has been going on for a while. Anyhow, after almost 3 years of pleading, which stopped quite a while ago because it was fruitless. I am almost 100 percent certain he checked into rehab on Tuesday. The last few calls on his cell phone are to rehab and a cab company. At first I was happy, but now am upset that he didn't tell me or any of our kids. Why would someone do this? Why be so secretive? I did tell my youngest who is 12 and misses her Dad on Monday that he told me he was going to quit, which was the first time he has ever said that and I mean ever. She called him when I left the room and I guess they both cried and he said he would be back soon?
I haven't had a good night sleep since, this man has turned our world upside down.There are so many things I need to hear and he has hurt so many people, as I am sure you all understand.I need sincere apologies, ownership of the havoc his disease has brought upon not just us but my parents etc. I just don't know what to expect and if I don't let him come back, there is always the guilt factor. Do I want my marriage to end? No? But I can never live through that again.
My daughter who is a freshman in college, wrote an essay for class about something painful in her life. Of course she wrote about him, and his reponse was "what a well written paper". Wish I could post it here, not sure if I can but wondering if that with the divorce papers finally made him realize what his life had become.

wicked

I am very sorry you had to serve him with divorce papers cagreg9.
I dont know why he would be secretive about it, I was actually very proud to admit I was an alcoholic and was going to inpatient treatment. Every alcoholic is the same (selfish) but all have terminal uniqueness.

what you can do right now, is stay in this moment, and take care of yourself.
when you take care of yourself you can take care of the children right now.

do you know,
you can't change it,
you can't control it,
you can't cure it.

Pelican

My X got sober after he got the divorce papers. Took himself to AA and got a sponsor. I was happy for him.

Sobriety does not bring instant recovery. The unacceptable behaviors were developed over time and it will take time to unlearn them.

I am also a recovering A. It takes control not to pick up a drink and it also takes a great deal of control to stop manipulating, denying, lying, and avoiding responsiblity.

My personal experience with my X's recovery and my own has made me a beliver of :

Keeping my side of the street clean.

Please be gentle yourself. You have a lot of questions and feelings you are trying to process. You don't need all the answers by 10 a.m., right?

Let the rehab work on your A, while you and your children work on your recovery. You began a legal process to protect yourself and your children. I followed through with my divorce. Relapses can and do happen. I wanted to keep myself and my children protected while my X works on his recovery.

((((hugs))))

I hope you are able to give your A to your HP and get some rest tonight. You will be a better you with some rest.

cagreg9

Thanks so much for the kind words. I am going to continue with the process at least to bring him to court to get temporary orders of support and see what happens.
Already have the date April 7th. Yes a good night sleep will help make things better. I'm just concerned that when he gets out he thinks he is moving back in. When your in rehab don't they like to have a session with the family or am I wrong? I told my 16 year old son what was going on and he thinks I am foolish to even believe he is trying to get better. He has a lot of anger and rightfully so, been to therapy etc. But he has no faith.
Again thank you all for your kind words.

wicked

I understand your concern cagreg, but right now, in this moment, you cannot do anything about it but worry.
there are family meetings at rehabs, I cant say for sure if your husband's has one. you could be gathering strength you will need to care for your kids and get all your ducks in a row.
You can do this, you know how I know this? Because I did it.
the children need your entire focus right now.
your husband is being taken care of by professionals, do the same for the kids.
beth

cagreg9

Well how things change. He still won't tell me whether he went to rehab. But I am pretty sure he did for about 3 days. Called him the other day and he went from Mr. Nice to nasty because he received the papers for a court date. I think he thought I was just filing, but I still need to protect myslf and more importantly the kids. If someone is truly sober wouldn't they contact their children? Wouldn't they try to make some kind of amends? He hasn't called anybody but his worthless brother who enables him to no end. I am so frustrated.

Pelican

There are so many things I need to hear and he has hurt so many people, as I am sure you all understand.I need sincere apologies, ownership of the havoc his disease has brought upon not just us but my parents etc.

and this

He still won't tell me whether he went to rehab.

also

If someone is truly sober wouldn't they contact their children? Wouldn't they try to make some kind of amends? He hasn't called anybody but his worthless brother who enables him to no end. I am so frustrated.

Your resentments and frustrations are the result of your expectations. If I expect an alcoholic to behave in a normal, logical, reasonable, civil and caring manner, then I have unreal expectations. It's like going to the hardware store and asking for fresh baked bread - I come away empty handed and frustrated.

If you want change in this relationship, the change must start with you.

Have you tried going no contact with him? I know it is difficult to do when you have children with the alcoholic. I had to cut off all contact with the active alcoholic. I had to keep my conversations to "just the facts" pertaining finances and visitation. I also found that the alcoholic is not going to visit, call and support their offspring in a normal, logical, reasonable, civil and caring manner. That is why I got legal protection. I don't recommend forcing, guilting or manipulating the alcoholic into taking a role in the children's lives as everyone ends up disappointed. Forcing the alcoholic into a parenting role just keeps the focus on them and their addiction.

Let the alcoholic do what alcoholics do. Give him to your HP and your lawyer.

Serenity Prayer:
God
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference

coffeedrinker

just want to let you know, you are heard here. you are experiencing what we all have also experienced. it is so very painful. but out of great pain, can come tremendous growth. here is your opportunity.

he could have kept this secret because he was trying things out - perhaps he didn't want to commit because he is afraid to. then if he told you and went back to the drinking....

if and when he is truly in recovery, those things you are hoping for will come. problem is, you don't know it until he is there. even if he SAYS that's what's happening, you still don't know if it really is. even if he does choose sobriety, it's a long road.

nodaybut2day

Hi cagreg, and Welcome to SR, in case no one has said this yet.

I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time with your husband. I can completely empathize.

I just wanted to comment on this:
No matter what you need from this man, he may *never* give it to you. It essentially comes down to realizing that you cannot, in any way, shape or form, control the behaviour of others. You can only control yourself.

I understand the need for apologies and ownership, but in my case, I realized that my XAH (Ex Alcoholic Husband) would never own up to what he did to me. I had to find and keep believing in my own truth, and forget what he thought of/said about me. I was so confused, angry, and heart-broken that he could act the way he did and NOT see who he was hurting. Eventually, the disappointment faded as I realized that he was going to act the way he was going to act, no matter my expectations. To find peace, I modified my expectations.

As for the guilt...well, we're good friends. I let Guilt influence my actions for too many years. If you really look at the origins of guilt, it comes from feeling that we have failed our responsibilities towards someone...in your case, what responsiblity do you have towards the man who has wreaked havoc on your life and your children's lives FOR YEARS?

Your primary responsibility is to keep yourself healthy and sane, for your own sake and for the sake of your children. Keep your eye on that bell, and please try not to let any blameshifting, guilting and manipulation distract you from your goal.

Keep posting!

cagreg9

I really want to thank you all for your kind and wise words. I have tried no contact, but only do because of the financial mess he has left us in. Other than that I don't call him. He has destroyed our credit and refused to sell stock in his name to pay bills. This is why I am bringing him to court. Over the past 3 years or so, it was not safe for my kids to be alone in the house with him. As a nurse the only shifts I could get were evenings or nights.If I left these kids home with him which I wouldn't I could also be held liable. Now with the economy the way it is it is so difficult to get a job, hiring freezes everywhere. My lawyer is asking for him to bring bills up to date and support us financially. He thinks this is outrageous and hired a lawyer. I believe he is even using his stock to fight this. Just found this out and am beside myself. My kids know I am upset but I don't have the heart to tell them he could give a crap about anybody but himself(even though they know) and he is fighting to not support them. Do I tell them?He is also horried my lawyer is asking for random alcohol testing and ordering him to go to some job placement office. He hasn't worked since September and has even told me he has not applied for one job. Now all of the sudden he is this week. Please tell me a judge will see right through this.I spent the day just crying not for me but for my kids. I am strong but this has become so hard to bear, but I do feel my strength slowly creeping back.

CAPTAINZING2000

I'm not sure how many venture in from the AA on here but, please feel free to share what your daughter wrote. If, you feel like posting it. An alcoholic is like a stone tossed into the water. The ripples they leave behind go on forever
I pray your husband gets the help he needs. Might not save your marriage but, your kids need a father.

praying it all turns out ok for you

cagreg9

“Love and Hate”
Someone once told me that hate is a strong word. I completely agree. There are not many people in this world that I can honestly say that I truly hate. It takes a great deal of hurt, anger, and deceit to hate someone. But when you think about it, in many ways hate and love come hand in hand. People go through hard times and everyone has problems of their own. But does that give you a reason to “hate” someone? When I hear the word hate, only a few things come to mind and one of those things is my Dad. There are two sides to my Dad, one that I love to death, and one that I hate from the bottom of my heart.
As a kid, my Dad lived a pretty average life. He lived with his Mother and Father and his two brothers. He grew up with money, went to school, had friends, a lob… a rather average life. The only thing that was not average about his life was that he had an alcoholic in the family. His father. Growing up with an alcoholic in the family increases the chances of becoming an alcoholic by 50 percent. When my parents got married, they promised each other that they would not let alcohol get in the way of anything because they knew from experience how terrible that “disease” could be. Being an alcoholic is considered a disease and it is something that many people simply do not understand. They don’t know how awful it can be and how many people it can effect outside of themselves. Unlike them, I know exactly how awful it can be. My Dad is an alcoholic.
Both of my Dad’s brothers were alcoholics when they grew up, just as their own father was. Their lives changed because of this and as of today, they are both recovering alcoholics. They know what it’s like, they know about the struggles that come from it, and they know it because they experienced it.
Like my father, I lived a more than average life. I lived with my two parents, brother and sister. I played sports ever since I was four years old, I did almost every extra curricular activity I could and I successfully made it through twelve years of schooling. We always had money, never a ton, but always enough to get by without worrying. My parents were very supportive to my siblings and I and were always there for us. My parents were never drinkers, except for the few beers my Dad would drink on the occasional Sunday. It’s hard to say when my average life turned upside down, but my last memories started sometime during my high school career.
My Dad and I always got along so well. We never argued and he was such a kind person. He was always willing to be there for me and always encouraged me to try harder. Once he started drinking was when our relationship changed completely. I don’t fully recall how old I was when he began drinking more heavily because he was exceptionally discreet about it. I was also very naïve. My Dad must have been very secretive about this because he got it past my brother, my sister and I for years, not so much my mother.
My most distant memory of his drinking is from my junior year in high school. He worked everyday and as the time progressed, he began never making it home for dinner. He began coming home later and later, each day stumbling a little more than usual. He was nasty. He was mean. He was cruel. He was not my Dad. Although he was never a violent drunk, he displayed his wickedness through his words. He was constantly angered by the fact that my family and I were always in his face about his drinking. He began avoiding us at all costs. He was never around and when he was, he was always doing his own thing. By my senior year in high school, our relationship had completely fallen apart. I refused to acknowledge him when we was drunk and I couldn’t even bare to be around him.
It wasn’t until one average night of my senior year that the hate that I feel for him today began to kick in. It was probably eight or nine o’clock at night when he came home. He claimed he was “working late” but we all knew that wasn’t true. He was at the bar. I was in my room doing homework while the rest of my family was downstairs watching TV before bed. I heard screaming and yelling back and forth between everyone, so I went to see what was the matter. My Dad’s eyes looked as though they had a layer of water over them. I have never seen them so glossy and bloodshot before. I started to yell at him and he began getting angry with me and was screaming at the top of his lungs as his face turned bright red. This was the first time in all my life where I can remember him actually screaming at me and getting in my face. He was not my Dad. I was filled with rage and hate. It was that night that I lost all respect for him. I was tired of his stumbling through the door every night and not being there for his family anymore. I was tired of not having my Dad. I wanted everything to go back to the way they used to be. It was that night that I slapped my father in the face. Not in a million years would I ever think that I could be brave enough to slap my father in the face, but I did. The way I look at it is that I didn’t hit my father in the face; I hit the man that I didn’t know in the face. I hated that man with all of my heart.
Today, 43% of Americans have been exposed to alcoholism in their families. 43% is just a number to the 57% percent of people who haven’t experienced it. Alcohol is a depressant and should be drunken cautiously. Studies have been proven that alcoholism is a disease. I believe it to be true but I also feel as though diseases are not something that you can “choose” not to have. Being an alcoholic is something that you can choose not to be. Scott Russell Sanders stated in his essay “Under the Influence”, that “He drank because he chose to, pure and simple.” Like my Dad, his was also an alcoholic. If one chooses to drink, then they will drink. Bottom line. My Dad chooses to drink.
The night I hit my father, my outlook on everything changed. Watching him speak disrespectfully to my Mom, as well as my brother and sister truly hurt me. I was in shock. I continued to finish my senior year, while I watched my family feel the pain from my Dad. Of course I felt it too, but I always stayed away. I avoided seeing my Dad in that state of mind. I did everything I could to stay out of the house. Today, I somewhat regret not getting involved as much as I should have. Even now, being away at college, I again am away from it all. I despised seeing my own father like that and I loathed the smell that flowed out off of his mouth. I didn’t like one thing about him. I’m not a person that always expresses their feelings to other people and this subject is one that I rarely ever talk about. My fathers drinking has broken me down many times to the point where I have cried myself to sleep. It has broken my heart. It has taken away my kind, loving father that I once had.
I believe that from every situation, leaves a place for someone to grow. Dwelling over something should not be how people live their lives. More so than me, this has affected my brother, sister and mostly my Mom. Seeing the hurt and anguish on my mothers face on a daily basis absolutely kills me. I feel for her more than I do myself and I would do anything to make things better for her. My Dad, being an alcoholic is one of the most stubborn people I know and he refuses to quit drinking. Knowing he is ruining my family a little more each day, he still continues to drink.
As of today, February 19, 2010 my Dad still drinks. He is choosing to tear our family apart. Until he stops drinking, I will not forgive him for what he has done. Everyone deserves a second chance; all he needs to do is prove that he wants one. In my eyes, he is a drunk and I do not consider him my father. He has not been here for me for the last two years, if not longer and I am choosing not to be here for him as long as he is going to drink. The day I hit him will live with me forever. The fact that I don’t talk to him and don’t give him the respect that a daughter should give to her father, must deep down bother him greatly. I know that my father misses me as well as everyone in my family, but right now alcohol is his first priority. If he ever realizes what is important to him, he will hopefully get help and go back to being the father that I once knew, loved and respected. Until then, my feelings of hate, are too far overpowering. I lost my father to alcohol.

barb dwyer

hi cagreg9 -

It sounded to me more like he was closing the gate
long after the cows have gone.

Like some part of his brain thinks that going to rehab
will make the divorce go away.

I think you're doing the right thing.

your post sounds sane, sad, but sane.

And I think you should proceed and not let him come back to he house when he gets out.

This is a perfect tiem for a new life all the way around.

justsomegirl

That was powerful coming from a 19 year old..it brought tears to my eyes for her pain.

cagreg9

Thank you, she is a beautiful wonderful, kind girl. She deserves better...

CAPTAINZING2000

If only for a day we could see ourselves through someone else's eyes

CAPTAINZING2000

Maybe, you wouldn't want to do it but, this post would be a good one on the AA site.

barb dwyer

cagreg-
forgive me if I missed it - but do you and your daughter have some means of recovery/support in 3/D?

bookwyrm

me too!

ChildrenB4AW

Cagreg9 - I am so sorry to hear about your situation. There is no doubt that the alcoholic makes a mess of everything around them. However, I would recommend that you need to change your focus from rehashing everything that the alcoholic has done and probably will do in the future (although it does feel really good to get release it!!!) to what you need to do to start on your road to recovery. He's irrational, selfish, and ill. Having no expectations, helps prevent resentments. Alanon/Alateen can be a wonderful place to begin your recovery. When we focus on the behavior of the alcoholic it allows us to avoid focusing on what we need to change about ourselves. Our behavior did not cause the alcoholic to drink, nor can our behavior make them stop, but alcoholism affects everyone in the family as seen by your daughter's thoughtful essay. Your children are in the starting block and are ready to begin their recovery - they need help in turning their anger and resentment into compassion and healing for themselves. Your husband cannot control his behavior, he is ashamed of what he has done to his family, but he has not reached a point where he is ready or willing to stop. Although we have compassion for the alcoholic, it does not mean that we allow their behavior to impact our lives, and we allow the alcoholic to face the consequences of their behavior. You have chosen a path - filing for divorce - that many of us have chosen. Whether that decision is correct is only known by you. I'm sure that your AH will try to manipulate you into stopping the process. I would remain focused on three things - my children, my recovery, and what I need to do to protect myself and children financially. You will be amazed at how quickly things settle down when you focus on things within your control. What has truly helped me is repeating the serenity prayer about 100 times a day until it became a way of life:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

We also have no idea what tomorrow will bring, so why worry about it? Our problems are rarely so profound that we cannot find a way to make it through today. Once we start focusing on today, it's amazing how our problems are put into perspective and we can go about solving them.

There are days when I am still outraged by my wife's behavior and then I realize that my outrage is only hurting my recovery, or keeping me from focusing on what is important to me - my children.

I am in a nasty custody battle with my wife, and I am focused on protecting my children. I may have compassion for my wife, but I will protect my children from her and her disease.

Since your husband is out of the house, you have a chance to enjoy a "normal" home life. Avoid talking about what he has done, instead sit down with the children and tell them that you understand that they have a lot of anger towards their father as do you, but that anger only hurts us. Their father is very ill, and hopefully one day will seek the help that he needs. Regardless of whether he finds recovery, we will pray for him every day, but we are going to live our lives free from the misery that alcohol has brought to our family. Focus on the wonderful things that you have vs. the illusion of what you and your children thought life was going to be like. Your reality is different, but it is still a gift filled with beauty.

Go to dinner with your children tonight and enjoy all the wonderful memories from their childhoods, and assure your children that they will continue to make wonderful memories that you'll look back fondly on.

Have a great week end.