1SweetGirl

Hey everybody-

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 yrs now. We've had a very tough, emotional week. Needless to say, I've been left feeling drained. I'm thinking that he might become my xbf tonight. We're supposed to have dinner at his house and watch a dvd.

Our first date was at 10:30 in the morning at a sports bar to watch football. By the time I arrived, he had already downed several beer. Through the years I've seen him:
1) drink 2 full pitchers of beer by himself in one sitting over a course of two hours.
2) Every Saturday night, he drinks on average, 8-12 tall glasses of seven and 7.
3) He's become violent on one occassion where I said something that pissed him off and he hit his fist against a wall.
4) He drank so much one time, he passed out while using the bathroom and struck his face against a wall scraping his face up.
5) His wife divorced him. One of the reasons.... his drinking.(found this out through friends)
6) He used to drink beer everyday until a short time ago.
7) He got so drunk at our friend's NYE party this year, I think he may have cheated on me. My friend took pics of him kissing two other women(both married by the way), pulling down the shirt and exposing a breast on one of these women and then being seen coming downstairs together with the one he pulled the shirt down on)

After the NYE party incident, he told me he was going to stop drinking. Well, he did for a month and I did give him credit for it. I was so proud of him for taking this first step.

I went to Vegas a few weekends ago without him. It turns out he drank with his friends both Friday and Saturday when I was gone. I confronted him on this, this past weekend. We got into a huge argument.

He told me that "he knows his limits","I'm not an alcoholic", "I've been drinking for years", "no one's going to tell him to stop drinking", "his whole family drinks", and here's the kicker... he thinks I should be with someone who doesn't drink because I can't handle it!!!

I do know what an alcoholic is. My ex BIL is one. I saw my sister go through hell for 10 years. I work in the criminal justice system. I sure as hell know what an alcoholic is.

Is he trying to make me the abnormal one? Is he an alcoholic or do I just think he's one?

Ceres

"He told me that "he knows his limits","I'm not an alcoholic", "I've been drinking for years", "no one's going to tell him to stop drinking", "his whole family drinks", and here's the kicker... he thinks I should be with someone who doesn't drink because I can't handle it!!!"

I'm an alcoholic, he sure sounds like of us to me!

freefalling

Believe him.

Learn2Live

Yes, he is trying to "make you the abnormal one." and yes, he sounds like an alcoholic to me.

wicked

Yep, alcoholic for sure.
Have him join the club.
Bad boys over there.


He obviously has a problem to me 1sweetgirl, and I think you know this already.
I drank for 20 years for breaks only during pregnancies (and not thru any great sacrifice on my part sad to say, but i will admit, I couldnt drink while pregnant, I could not keep it down).
My reasons did not sound like his, but they made sense to me, and I didnt have to argue with anyone about it.
"It's a family tradition, we are Irish, it's in my blood to drink."
Yeah, okay, it was also in my blood to choose too.
If he feels the need to drink when you are not around, if not drinking for one month is some huge accomplishment, if passing out while urinating is not an alcohol problem, I do not know what is.

this is abnormal thought for an alcoholic, but only because he is thinking of you! why should you have to handle it?

1SweetGirl

His whole argument is that he doesn't start drinking upon waking and that he "doesn't drink all day". I drink, but only socially. I will have 2-3 drinks maybe at the most 4 and social gatherings.

We both have facebook pages and I noticed after we had our last argument that he "became a fan of"- 1) I hope they have beer in hell 2) Bud light 3) some sort of Scotch whiskey.

We're supposed to go out of town in 3 weeks (I doubt I'll be going at this point in time) He's already told me that he's planning on getting drunk there. The 4 days that we're going to be there. It's like hes obsessed with alcohol.

wicked

And, I would say, this is the definition of alcoholism. Obsessed with alcohol.
Damn the consequences! Full speed ahead!

And he is planning on being drunk the entire time you are out of town with him?
After a huge argument you just had about it.
Denial is another key sign of alcoholism,
"people might say i have a problem, they dont know anything!"

Ceres

"you're kinda get squished off to the side of the photo aren't ya?" <-- Like that

1SweetGirl, You're a smart cookie. Gotta be, you found this forum long before most of us. Unfortunately alcoholism is a self diagnosed disease. Some of us have to go far down to hit bottom. He sounds nowhere near. The question is, do you want to circle the drain with him?

wicked

Ah, 1sweetgirl,

I think Alizerin might have something there.
He is nowhere near his bottom. What did you see with your sister's husband?
It will be happening to you. No doubt in my mind.
But, I am an alcoholic, so take what I say with a grain of salt. (while you get out quick!)

Beth

freefalling

That was my life for 21 years. It made me obsessed with alcohol too - a scary place to be for somebody that drinks one or two glasses of wine maybe twice a month.

littlefish

Lots of alcoholics don't have a clue how the disease works. You don't have to drink upon waking. Or drink right at 12 noon. Or drink alone. Or with friends. You don't have to binge. You don't have to be a daily drinker. You don't have to make a mess of your life and lose everything. You can wobble along for years and years.

But, one thing that does happen, is WHAT happens, when he drinks. It's not how much, or how often, when or where or with who.

It's what happens to him the minute alcohol hits his liver and his brain. It doesn't happen to ordinary people. Something totally different happens to an alcoholic.

Lots of alcoholics describe the process as: finally feeling normal. Finally feeling okay. Finally feeling good enough, sexy, brilliant. For me, it gave me that beautiful numbness.

But, that doesn't happen to normies. They just get a little tipsie and tired. All that huge stuff doesn't happen to them like it does to us (alcoholics).

It's not how much, when or where he drinks, it's what happens to him when he drinks.

1SweetGirl

I would have thought that by his wife leaving him partly because of his drinking that would have been his rock bottom. Nope, not it.

I thought that maybe his actions a few months ago at the NYE party was his rock bottom because he gave me his word he was going to stop drinking because "look what happened... I drank too much.. I don't remember what happened... I'm sorry I hurt you...."

Obviously I'm in denial. I thought that my love for him would stop his love of alcohol... his mistress, as I call it. That hasn't happen. It will never happen.

I feel like I've wasted almost 4 years of my life with him. Hoping and praying he'd wake up and see what he had right in front of him... Me. I'm just so lost, confused, empty and hurt right now. No, I don't want him to take me down with him. I fear that is starting to happen to me.

Ceres

Nicely said littlefish. I was so SMRT when I drank!

Yes, all those notions of what people think an alcoholic is - is, well, old school. I will say, I could never understand how nonalcoholics could just stop drinking after a couple. I mean, how could you just LEAVE half a glass at the table?

I could drink just a couple if I had to in certain situations. But, the thing is - I would obsess about when I could get home and drink a ton more.

Oopsie - Wrong forum I guess. Anywhoo.

freefalling

It is only starting for you. Good for seeing it so early on. Please love yourself more than his problem!

wicked

Yes, the numbness, and finally the blackout, the ultimate escape without dying.

1sweetgirl,
does he forget what happens when he gets drunk?
edited to add,
i see he does forget what happens when he drinks. that doesnt happen to normal people either.

Ah, those normies. Don't get them, but thank God for them.

1SweetGirl

Wicked-

He's starting to black out... or is claiming he does. He claims that he can't remember what happened at the NYE party. I think that's more for convenience then a true blackout though.

I thought he was experience neuropathy (sp?) a few years ago, which may been caused by his drinking. He was experiencing pain/numbness in his arm and leg. He never went for any testing so, there is no diagnosis.

Tally

His wife probably felt the same as you do now. If love was enough to cure addiction there would be no need for any one of us to be here.

I lost my sanity, self respect, self esteem and confidence by immersing myself into his problems. He's right, we can't handle their drinking, that's why we bust our ass's trying to change them, that doesn't work either. I'd run as fast as your legs will carry you whilst you still remember what normal is. x

Ceres

Nothings wasted!

Now, you can really look at yourself and work on you. Gotta ask - What kinds of guys have you typically been involved with?

ME: ANY man that's emotionally unavailable.

wicked

<nodding>
Yep, he has got it. He probably remembers enough to be ashamed or guilty about what happened, but not willing to give up the drinking for it.
I experienced that pain and numbness in my limbs when I slept (okay, passed out) with my limb in an awkward position. The nerve would be damaged, I did not know what it was until I went to rehab, and then it was obvious.
I wonder if he would go for a diagnosis, cause he might hear something he doesnt want to?

1SweetGirl

Alizerin-

I've dated normal guys before. All of the men I've dated before this one, drank..... but socially. No one ever got the way that my current guy gets/or is like.