Mind games
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 174
Mind games
This man(Afiance-don't know the abriviation) is playing major mind games and I can't tell if the stuff I am trying to tell him is healthy or not...He's trying to do this own recovery, which means no treatment or AA since God forbid he has been through it all and knows what to do..Anyways, we had a convo well more of a fight..
He's been sober a month now, but he complains I am to B****y and not affectionate or don't give him any sex ever or I am just plain mean and we act like roommates instead of lovers. Well it may be true but, how do I control the real true feeling I have instead of pretending like I have been for a long time. The angry just is getting to me and I keep telling him I have every right to be angry, but he says well I cannot tollerate coming home from work and your just crabby all the time. Then he threatens to leave and says he is going to get sex somewhere else or some dumb crap he comes up with. He threatens that since he is the breadwinner that he will get everything.
So, then he doesn't understand why I am hurt or how he hurt me or what he did. Was it bad that I just plain brought up everything that hurt me like the DWI's, lies, having to pay for his mistakes-driving him to and from jail to go to work etc?Like he honestly doesn't see how this affected me and the kids. He thinks I can just forget about everything move on and what was in the past stays in the past. He says his drinking wasn't bad like others since he didn't abuse me physically or the kids or drank at the bars or cheated on me.
Am I just supposed to believe him that he isn't going to drink? he keeps telling me oh, I can just go without and I know I can't drink and I'm not goign to drink the rest of my life....I said, you know you told me this before and ended up relapsing and these broken promises hurt me.
This weekend I decided to get away from him on Thursday for a dr appt and to visit my little brother who was in a fire last friday and stay till Sat or sunday. He told me I should just stay home...then he says well you can go and leave the kids...It's like he is nervous to be alone, everytime I have gone to visit my parents he has relapsed, So there is no way I trust him to care for a 2 and 3 year old...He says okay bring the kids, but which day are you coming home? I just said I am not sure yet I'll play it by ear, he says well you can't do that you need to tell me which day you will come back...hmmm. big red flag coming up since he needs to know and has asked me a billion times..
Sorry I am just rambling...I just feel smothered, he text's me like seriously no joke, about 50 times a day when he is at work, asking what I am doing or to tell me that he loves me adn expects me to answer his text right away and if I don't he just continues to text and text and call and call. He has this thought in his head that we need to make love or it means that I don't love him...He ordered freaking playboy channel and I noticed when I saw the bill, I confronted him adn he lied and said he never did that. OMG really...
I feel a huge relief though because I finally wrote my mom an email that explains what I have been going through the past 3 years with him, since she did know he was a drinker, got dwi's the 1st yr we were together but thought he sobered up when we had kids. Anyways anyone have any thoughts? Thanks
He's been sober a month now, but he complains I am to B****y and not affectionate or don't give him any sex ever or I am just plain mean and we act like roommates instead of lovers. Well it may be true but, how do I control the real true feeling I have instead of pretending like I have been for a long time. The angry just is getting to me and I keep telling him I have every right to be angry, but he says well I cannot tollerate coming home from work and your just crabby all the time. Then he threatens to leave and says he is going to get sex somewhere else or some dumb crap he comes up with. He threatens that since he is the breadwinner that he will get everything.
So, then he doesn't understand why I am hurt or how he hurt me or what he did. Was it bad that I just plain brought up everything that hurt me like the DWI's, lies, having to pay for his mistakes-driving him to and from jail to go to work etc?Like he honestly doesn't see how this affected me and the kids. He thinks I can just forget about everything move on and what was in the past stays in the past. He says his drinking wasn't bad like others since he didn't abuse me physically or the kids or drank at the bars or cheated on me.
Am I just supposed to believe him that he isn't going to drink? he keeps telling me oh, I can just go without and I know I can't drink and I'm not goign to drink the rest of my life....I said, you know you told me this before and ended up relapsing and these broken promises hurt me.
This weekend I decided to get away from him on Thursday for a dr appt and to visit my little brother who was in a fire last friday and stay till Sat or sunday. He told me I should just stay home...then he says well you can go and leave the kids...It's like he is nervous to be alone, everytime I have gone to visit my parents he has relapsed, So there is no way I trust him to care for a 2 and 3 year old...He says okay bring the kids, but which day are you coming home? I just said I am not sure yet I'll play it by ear, he says well you can't do that you need to tell me which day you will come back...hmmm. big red flag coming up since he needs to know and has asked me a billion times..
Sorry I am just rambling...I just feel smothered, he text's me like seriously no joke, about 50 times a day when he is at work, asking what I am doing or to tell me that he loves me adn expects me to answer his text right away and if I don't he just continues to text and text and call and call. He has this thought in his head that we need to make love or it means that I don't love him...He ordered freaking playboy channel and I noticed when I saw the bill, I confronted him adn he lied and said he never did that. OMG really...
I feel a huge relief though because I finally wrote my mom an email that explains what I have been going through the past 3 years with him, since she did know he was a drinker, got dwi's the 1st yr we were together but thought he sobered up when we had kids. Anyways anyone have any thoughts? Thanks
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: London UK
Posts: 86
I don't have too much to add, as a RA I understand a bit where your husband is coming from but he is being unrealistic. Also he should be responsible for his sobriety, not you. And harassing you during the day and complaining about you in the evening is not really sober behaviour.
One thing to consider is whether spending time apart might be useful. For example, if you think he might be ok after a stretch of say six months sobriety, but he will be atrocious until that point. That way he can focus more on sobriety, and less on you.
One thing to consider is whether spending time apart might be useful. For example, if you think he might be ok after a stretch of say six months sobriety, but he will be atrocious until that point. That way he can focus more on sobriety, and less on you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Prisoners on day release are not "checked on" as stringently as you are. This man is a control freak, with NO self control. He is toxic to you and the children, and really you know this or you would not be here.
He needs his marching orders from your lives, before he is so much in charge, you will be stuck there in his chaos for ages.
Run NOW, do not wait to collect s**t, do not pass GO, just run and run fast.
God bless
He needs his marching orders from your lives, before he is so much in charge, you will be stuck there in his chaos for ages.
Run NOW, do not wait to collect s**t, do not pass GO, just run and run fast.
God bless
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
I don't know much about RA's, because my AH is still drinking and hasn't really ever been sober (for an extended period of time) since I've known him. But your RA's behavior is just like any other active A that isn't working a program - he is still blaming others and holding you responsible for his behavior, feelings, etc.
All these things are his to deal with - you are not there to make him happy (and no matter how hard you try you probably would never succeed at it), because the only person who will make him happy is he himself (happiness comes from within). It is not ok for him to try to control you or push his will onto you.
The sex thing really got me angry (I've heard similar things from my AH - i.e. "if you don't have sex with me, then it is your fault if I cheat on you", etc.). Excuse me??? - I'm nobody's property and if I don't want to have sex with you because of all the bs that you're pulling all the time, then I will not have sex with you PERIOD. DEAL WITH IT, figure out how we can come up with a solution to the problem instead of just demanding sex!
You do have every right to be angry and hurt and sad and all those things. And him saying he's never gotten physically violent with you is a really poor excuse... I'm sure he's been verbally and emotionally abusive (at least that's what his comments sound like) and that is just as bad.
So now, what are you going to do for yourself - what can you do to lift some of that anger, resentment and sadness - what can you do for yourself to be happier (not happier in order to appease him, but for yourself and your kids)? Maybe counseling, Al-Anon, moving out, etc.?
I started counseling a couple of months ago and it was interesting to see how enmeshed my AH and I were! I took responsibility for his feelings and he for mine. Our relationship isn't working any better now (mainly because while I'm working on myself, he is not working on himself), but I feel much better about myself (for the most part). I learn a little more every day. Today we were arguing about an issue - he was angry at me - and it felt great to tell him: "you have a right to feel your feelings, a right to be angry, but those are your feelings and it is your responsibility to work through them in a healthy way, you do not have the right to call me names, etc. just because you are angry!" and I walked away - I will not have him make me feel guilty (at least not today - ODAT) and I won't try to take his anger off him (his anger belongs to him - my anger belongs to me)!
Sorry, it ended up being a little longer than intended... hope what I wrote makes some sense!!
Please make sure you do something for yourself - you deserve to be happy and your kids deserve to grow up in a healthy environment. I wish you all the best.
Originally Posted by LS2 
he says well I cannot tollerate coming home from work and your just crabby all the time. Then he threatens to leave and says he is going to get sex somewhere else or some dumb crap he comes up with. He threatens that since he is the breadwinner that he will get everything.
.....He has this thought in his head that we need to make love or it means that I don't love him....
.....He has this thought in his head that we need to make love or it means that I don't love him....
The sex thing really got me angry (I've heard similar things from my AH - i.e. "if you don't have sex with me, then it is your fault if I cheat on you", etc.). Excuse me??? - I'm nobody's property and if I don't want to have sex with you because of all the bs that you're pulling all the time, then I will not have sex with you PERIOD. DEAL WITH IT, figure out how we can come up with a solution to the problem instead of just demanding sex!
Originally Posted by LS2
The angry just is getting to me and I keep telling him I have every right to be angry
So now, what are you going to do for yourself - what can you do to lift some of that anger, resentment and sadness - what can you do for yourself to be happier (not happier in order to appease him, but for yourself and your kids)? Maybe counseling, Al-Anon, moving out, etc.?
I started counseling a couple of months ago and it was interesting to see how enmeshed my AH and I were! I took responsibility for his feelings and he for mine. Our relationship isn't working any better now (mainly because while I'm working on myself, he is not working on himself), but I feel much better about myself (for the most part). I learn a little more every day. Today we were arguing about an issue - he was angry at me - and it felt great to tell him: "you have a right to feel your feelings, a right to be angry, but those are your feelings and it is your responsibility to work through them in a healthy way, you do not have the right to call me names, etc. just because you are angry!" and I walked away - I will not have him make me feel guilty (at least not today - ODAT) and I won't try to take his anger off him (his anger belongs to him - my anger belongs to me)!
Sorry, it ended up being a little longer than intended... hope what I wrote makes some sense!!
Please make sure you do something for yourself - you deserve to be happy and your kids deserve to grow up in a healthy environment. I wish you all the best.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
Hey LS2,
Early sobriety, and withdrawal, can be pretty rough and you need lots of support - way too much for one person. That's why they have AA - so you can meet lots of people, get lots of number and start learning how to relate in recovery.
I'm sorry that your fiancee is white knuckling it - sounds like his white knuckles are holding on to you for dear life. My recent ex was the same at the beginning of our relationship (not 50 texts a day, but he wanted to be in constant touch). During the honeymoon period this was flattering. But when he started dropping out of contact for one, two days at a time - it made it pretty obvious what he was doing.
You are perfectly entitled to not believe that he can get sober, just by magic, all by himself. Because all evidence points to the contrary, right? Don't get sucked into feeling like a bad person because you have a grip on reality. And for what it's worth, sounds like he's using sex as his fix now that he's not drinking. Also a benchmark of the early part of my relationship and apparently not uncommon. Some people replace drinking with gambling, shopping or eating - for others sex hits the spot.
None of this is "fair" and you aren't responsible for his sobriety. Even if you do all these things it's not sustainable and it's not fair and you deserve better.
SL.
Early sobriety, and withdrawal, can be pretty rough and you need lots of support - way too much for one person. That's why they have AA - so you can meet lots of people, get lots of number and start learning how to relate in recovery.
I'm sorry that your fiancee is white knuckling it - sounds like his white knuckles are holding on to you for dear life. My recent ex was the same at the beginning of our relationship (not 50 texts a day, but he wanted to be in constant touch). During the honeymoon period this was flattering. But when he started dropping out of contact for one, two days at a time - it made it pretty obvious what he was doing.
You are perfectly entitled to not believe that he can get sober, just by magic, all by himself. Because all evidence points to the contrary, right? Don't get sucked into feeling like a bad person because you have a grip on reality. And for what it's worth, sounds like he's using sex as his fix now that he's not drinking. Also a benchmark of the early part of my relationship and apparently not uncommon. Some people replace drinking with gambling, shopping or eating - for others sex hits the spot.
None of this is "fair" and you aren't responsible for his sobriety. Even if you do all these things it's not sustainable and it's not fair and you deserve better.
SL.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 25
He sounds JUST LIKE my AH, the similarity is scary, the texts, the harassing, the no sex, the "everything is my fault". I have a baby and have left him and the disease has progressed in him, I have been working on myself and am realizing how bittersweet it is that I am getting well now, but it took my having a baby with him (which he said I trapped him with-after we were married-how disgusting) to step up and realize that no person, let alone any child should have to be exposed to this. Read the stats on the effects of alcoholism on children, go to an ala-teen meeting and you will get motivated, you have confided in your mother, ask her for support and take care of you and your babies.
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