I don't know much about RA's, because my AH is still drinking and hasn't really ever been sober (for an extended period of time) since I've known him. But your RA's behavior is just like any other active A that isn't working a program - he is still blaming others and holding you responsible for his behavior, feelings, etc.
Originally Posted by
LS2 
he says well I cannot tollerate coming home from work and your just crabby all the time. Then he threatens to leave and says he is going to get sex somewhere else or some dumb crap he comes up with. He threatens that since he is the breadwinner that he will get everything.
.....He has this thought in his head that we need to make love or it means that I don't love him....
All these things are his to deal with - you are not there to make him happy (and no matter how hard you try you probably would never succeed at it), because the only person who will make him happy is he himself (happiness comes from within). It is not ok for him to try to control you or push his will onto you.
The sex thing really got me angry (I've heard similar things from my AH - i.e. "if you don't have sex with me, then it is your fault if I cheat on you", etc.). Excuse me??? - I'm nobody's property and if I don't want to have sex with you because of all the bs that you're pulling all the time, then I will not have sex with you PERIOD. DEAL WITH IT, figure out how we can come up with a solution to the problem instead of just demanding sex!
Originally Posted by
LS2 The angry just is getting to me and I keep telling him I have every right to be angry
You do have every right to be angry and hurt and sad and all those things. And him saying he's never gotten physically violent with you is a really poor excuse... I'm sure he's been verbally and emotionally abusive (at least that's what his comments sound like) and that is just as bad.
So now, what are you going to do for yourself - what can you do to lift some of that anger, resentment and sadness - what can you do for yourself to be happier (not happier in order to appease him, but for yourself and your kids)? Maybe counseling, Al-Anon, moving out, etc.?
I started counseling a couple of months ago and it was interesting to see how enmeshed my AH and I were! I took responsibility for his feelings and he for mine. Our relationship isn't working any better now (mainly because while I'm working on myself, he is not working on himself), but I feel much better about myself (for the most part). I learn a little more every day. Today we were arguing about an issue - he was angry at me - and it felt great to tell him: "you have a right to feel your feelings, a right to be angry, but those are your feelings and it is your responsibility to work through them in a healthy way, you do not have the right to call me names, etc. just because you are angry!" and I walked away - I will not have him make me feel guilty (at least not today - ODAT) and I won't try to take his anger off him (his anger belongs to him - my anger belongs to me)!
Sorry, it ended up being a little longer than intended... hope what I wrote makes some sense!!
Please make sure you do something for yourself - you deserve to be happy and your kids deserve to grow up in a healthy environment. I wish you all the best.