Unusual circumstances
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 3
Unusual circumstances
Hi all, new to this forum and finding it highly educational (to say the least!).
I've been lurking unregistered, and am still getting used to the jargon and acronyms, so bear with me.
My boyfriend of 2 months is sober and in recovery for the past two years.
I know him since I was 12 (now 29) and he was my first boyfriend (and 3rd, and 5th
).
The way it went was that he drank entirely through our teens and 20's, and (apart from some weak moments) refused to be with him. I guess I came across as cold and uninterested, but it was purely for my own sake.
We were friends regardless (his sister is my best friend), though I didn't see much of him in the past few years when I went off to Uni, preferring not to see him drink himself to death.
He went in to rehab 2 years ago after finally admitting to himself he had a problem.
He came out of rehab with a girlfriend (yep, we all thought he was mad too).
After moving in about 6 weeks later, and getting engaged to her last year, he finally realised that he was codependant, not particularly liking her, and broke it off.
I pounced on the opportunity and asked him out. A few weeks of a think, and time to move on from the last girl, he accepted.
Finally, the sober guy I always wanted to be with - talk about a shock!
I've loved him since I first met him, and still do.
From what I read on here, distancing myself while he was still drunk was a blessing in that I have little resentment or baggage.
I would describe myself as pretty well balanced, serene, and level headed.
Quite the contrast to my boyfriend.
Mainly I'm here to understand things.
With the smorgasboard of problems and issues to yet work though that my boyfriens has, I guess I would like reassurance if I come to feel that things are abnormal in the coming weeks and months.
He seems fine now, to an extent. He's working the program diligently.
I'm supportive in that he gets his meetings in, his gym time, his time to grow, space to sort stuff out, etc.
Hope is the name of the game here for me.
It's been going fantastic between us.
I guess I'm waiting for the horror to begin, though it may never, and wary that my thinking this way will never allow us to fully realise anything.
I could write this way for ages, so I'll stop
I say these things to him too, and he doesn't mind.
I'll talk concerns over with him, as I would expect him to do with me too, but there's only so much I can ask him about general things before I'd drive him mad, hence my presence here.
Advice? Comments?
I've been lurking unregistered, and am still getting used to the jargon and acronyms, so bear with me.
My boyfriend of 2 months is sober and in recovery for the past two years.
I know him since I was 12 (now 29) and he was my first boyfriend (and 3rd, and 5th
). The way it went was that he drank entirely through our teens and 20's, and (apart from some weak moments) refused to be with him. I guess I came across as cold and uninterested, but it was purely for my own sake.
We were friends regardless (his sister is my best friend), though I didn't see much of him in the past few years when I went off to Uni, preferring not to see him drink himself to death.
He went in to rehab 2 years ago after finally admitting to himself he had a problem.
He came out of rehab with a girlfriend (yep, we all thought he was mad too).
After moving in about 6 weeks later, and getting engaged to her last year, he finally realised that he was codependant, not particularly liking her, and broke it off.
I pounced on the opportunity and asked him out. A few weeks of a think, and time to move on from the last girl, he accepted.
Finally, the sober guy I always wanted to be with - talk about a shock!
I've loved him since I first met him, and still do.
From what I read on here, distancing myself while he was still drunk was a blessing in that I have little resentment or baggage.
I would describe myself as pretty well balanced, serene, and level headed.
Quite the contrast to my boyfriend.
Mainly I'm here to understand things.
With the smorgasboard of problems and issues to yet work though that my boyfriens has, I guess I would like reassurance if I come to feel that things are abnormal in the coming weeks and months.
He seems fine now, to an extent. He's working the program diligently.
I'm supportive in that he gets his meetings in, his gym time, his time to grow, space to sort stuff out, etc.
Hope is the name of the game here for me.
It's been going fantastic between us.
I guess I'm waiting for the horror to begin, though it may never, and wary that my thinking this way will never allow us to fully realise anything.
I could write this way for ages, so I'll stop
I say these things to him too, and he doesn't mind.
I'll talk concerns over with him, as I would expect him to do with me too, but there's only so much I can ask him about general things before I'd drive him mad, hence my presence here.
Advice? Comments?
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
It is hard to walk away from " I've loved him since I first met him when was 12 \
for 17 yrs. "
TODAY It's all about how he treats you. Today is he living his life with integrity?
TODAY do you have the same morals, values and goals ?
You are here investigating + inquiring and learning.
It is important you keep your side of the street clean and not fall into co-dependent patterns.
Welcome, may you find serenity in your life with your loved one in it.
for 17 yrs. "
TODAY It's all about how he treats you. Today is he living his life with integrity?
TODAY do you have the same morals, values and goals ?
You are here investigating + inquiring and learning.
It is important you keep your side of the street clean and not fall into co-dependent patterns.
Welcome, may you find serenity in your life with your loved one in it.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi! I would be nervous too. Trust is a wall slowly built... you can't have it appear from nowhere.. it takes bricks.. ACTIONS... and cement... CONSISTENCY...... oh what a "cliche" lol
When I have been nervous and insecure I have noticed its because I don't know where I stand, where my boundaries are, when EXACTLY enough is enough. Live and enjoy today, but also know yourself... what has to happen for you to break up? which are the deal breakers? they got to be very concise so you can easily recognize them. And he has to know them so there is no room for confusion.
You can't control him or the future, you can just enjoy your moment the best way possible and strive to become better... for YOURSELF... for everyone around you.
I hope he is serious and trust can be built between you two, however its more important that you build trust in YOURSELF so you know whether anyone does X or Y and whatever happens, whatever and whoever life brings your way... you can count on YOURSELF to look after YOUR dreams and wellness. That, to me, is freedom....
Hugs!!
welcome to SR, this is a place of much healing.
When I have been nervous and insecure I have noticed its because I don't know where I stand, where my boundaries are, when EXACTLY enough is enough. Live and enjoy today, but also know yourself... what has to happen for you to break up? which are the deal breakers? they got to be very concise so you can easily recognize them. And he has to know them so there is no room for confusion.
You can't control him or the future, you can just enjoy your moment the best way possible and strive to become better... for YOURSELF... for everyone around you.
I hope he is serious and trust can be built between you two, however its more important that you build trust in YOURSELF so you know whether anyone does X or Y and whatever happens, whatever and whoever life brings your way... you can count on YOURSELF to look after YOUR dreams and wellness. That, to me, is freedom....
Hugs!!
welcome to SR, this is a place of much healing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
I reunited with my best friend from my youth about 8 months ago. We hadn't seen each other in a million years. He was almost two years sober when we got together. Things were great at first. I was so happy to have him in my life again. I thought we were meant to be together. There were some red flags. Then he relapsed. Then he relapsed again and said a lot of hurtful things. I'm on week two of our break up. It's been heartbreak. I wasn't waiting for the horror, but it happened anyway. I thought since he had almost two years of sobriety and sounded so confident, that he would be ok.
I hope your friend stays sober. I really do. It's smart of you to keep your eyes open, though, like you are and to read and read the threads in this forum.
I hope your friend stays sober. I really do. It's smart of you to keep your eyes open, though, like you are and to read and read the threads in this forum.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 3
Thank you all for your kind words of wisdom, and welcomes.
However, he broke up with me this morning
I guess it's why I joined - to find out whether it he was distant due to diligently working the program and I should leave him to it, or because he wasn't sure of anything.
Thankfully, he made some sense and said he needed to work on himself and learn to love himself again before he could love someone else.
I sort of knew in the back of my head that this was coming, and half wondered if being with me was holding him back from getting to the place he needs to be.
Are the constantly swinging highs and lows to be expected?
He's not happy, but gets on with it.
Thankfully the one thing that he knows is that if he takes that first drink, he won't be able to stop.
I think it's the one thing that's consistent.
However, he broke up with me this morning
I guess it's why I joined - to find out whether it he was distant due to diligently working the program and I should leave him to it, or because he wasn't sure of anything.
Thankfully, he made some sense and said he needed to work on himself and learn to love himself again before he could love someone else.
I sort of knew in the back of my head that this was coming, and half wondered if being with me was holding him back from getting to the place he needs to be.
Are the constantly swinging highs and lows to be expected?
He's not happy, but gets on with it.
Thankfully the one thing that he knows is that if he takes that first drink, he won't be able to stop.
I think it's the one thing that's consistent.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
Cautious...
I am sorry that you are going through so much with your b/f. I am also in the midst of a breakup with my A. It's been 3 weeks.
For me, I know I cannot trust him. I know that if he called me, I would WISH him to be the man I had conjured up in my mind.
The cold, sad, hard truth is..he is an addict. He is always ONE DRINK AWAY from a relapse. I have asked myself if I could live with that reality.
The cold, sad, hard truth..is no.
I have forgiven him, and I am moving on. I hope you can do the same. We all deserve the best in life, and living with the cold reality of ONE DRINK AWAY is what keeps me from relapsing into false dreams of my X.
Peace and ((HUGS))
I am sorry that you are going through so much with your b/f. I am also in the midst of a breakup with my A. It's been 3 weeks.
For me, I know I cannot trust him. I know that if he called me, I would WISH him to be the man I had conjured up in my mind.
The cold, sad, hard truth is..he is an addict. He is always ONE DRINK AWAY from a relapse. I have asked myself if I could live with that reality.
The cold, sad, hard truth..is no.
I have forgiven him, and I am moving on. I hope you can do the same. We all deserve the best in life, and living with the cold reality of ONE DRINK AWAY is what keeps me from relapsing into false dreams of my X.
Peace and ((HUGS))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Welcome!
I would suggest reading the stickies at the top of the forum and picking up a copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
Hang in there. Breakups suck. The good thing is you can use the time and feelings to understand yourself better.
Hugs
w
I would suggest reading the stickies at the top of the forum and picking up a copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
Hang in there. Breakups suck. The good thing is you can use the time and feelings to understand yourself better.
Hugs
w
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Welcome!!
I read your first post and thought you had approached his drinking through the years in the healthiest and most supportive way you could. You retreated from a love relationship with him when alcohol took a priority in his life and you enjoyed a partnership with him when it took more of a backseat.
Finally, he is in recovery and seems to be committed to that process. I was delighted to hear that you and he could finally be in the same place emotionally to have a true relationship.
While I'm sad for you that he has ended things, I am hopeful that time and his continued committment to his recovery will bring you back together again.
Please be patient for him. My impression here is that you are a caring and loyal friend to him and one who understands how to keep a distance for her own well being when it is called for. If I had kept my feet firmly planted in my well being and not latched onto fixing my XABF's alcoholism via my own codependency, things may have been very different for us. Being able to care for someone without sacrificing yourself is not something I learned early enough in life, I think.
Give him time and your friendship and what is meant to be will be.
Thank you for posting. Please stick around and share more with us.
In friendship,
Alice
I read your first post and thought you had approached his drinking through the years in the healthiest and most supportive way you could. You retreated from a love relationship with him when alcohol took a priority in his life and you enjoyed a partnership with him when it took more of a backseat.
Finally, he is in recovery and seems to be committed to that process. I was delighted to hear that you and he could finally be in the same place emotionally to have a true relationship.
While I'm sad for you that he has ended things, I am hopeful that time and his continued committment to his recovery will bring you back together again.
Please be patient for him. My impression here is that you are a caring and loyal friend to him and one who understands how to keep a distance for her own well being when it is called for. If I had kept my feet firmly planted in my well being and not latched onto fixing my XABF's alcoholism via my own codependency, things may have been very different for us. Being able to care for someone without sacrificing yourself is not something I learned early enough in life, I think.
Give him time and your friendship and what is meant to be will be.
Thank you for posting. Please stick around and share more with us.
In friendship,
Alice
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome CautiousHope! That is a great name and it sounds like you are approaching things just that way-
Please do check out the stickies as they provide a lot of helpful insight-
What others have said here I cannot agree more-and to answer your question
There are a lot of expected highs and lows I believe in anyone-but yes A's dealing with recovery can be especially high and low-they are dealing with a lot and it is all on a new level of unfamiliar feelings they have not felt because they were numb. Just like someone who is Co-dependent, or many other's. When we start to peel that onion and the layers come off the highs and lows are unexpected to us-and so it will be to others.
It appears you are a great friend for sticking by and I believe that what he said about learning to love himself again before he can love someone else is so true! I had to learn how to love myself again and everyday I still have to remind myself that I'am a work in progress.
Hang in there and if it is meant to be it will be!
Welcome again!
Please do check out the stickies as they provide a lot of helpful insight-
What others have said here I cannot agree more-and to answer your question
Are the constantly swinging highs and lows to be expected?
It appears you are a great friend for sticking by and I believe that what he said about learning to love himself again before he can love someone else is so true! I had to learn how to love myself again and everyday I still have to remind myself that I'am a work in progress.
Hang in there and if it is meant to be it will be!
Welcome again!
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