happyplace2013

I know this is an old thread but I am hoping for some help. my husband is sober and has been for many years. however, I think that the issues of alcoholism are still looming - think the term is dry drunk. I hear little about it and am not sure why. I have been active in alanon for some time but needed a break and have found it hard to find the time to go back. between my son (he is in therapy multiple times a week) my job, my counseling appt and just trying to live life - its no excuse but its still hard. my husband was very active in AA when we started dating again (we met many many years back when he was actively drinking and dated briefly but it didn't last and I didn't know him that well at that time). not too long before we married he lost his long time sponsor - died of heart disease. he also had some big job changes and moved to where I lived. so lots of changes. but that's no excuse. he rarely if ever goes to meetings and has no sponsor still over 2 years later. I don't think that's working the program but I can't do it for him. he is jealous, sensitive, demanding, sexist, rageful, calls me awful names, threatens to leave and divorce, etc. when he is upset. im no saint by any means but he takes absolutely no responsibility and any problems in our relationship are all my fault. he also lives in a world of double standards - he expects one thing from me but doesn't see that he should be giving the same in return. I am feeling very hopeless and helpless. I don't want this for me and especially for my son. help

Mountainmanbob

odds for related issues may put you two in a slightly higher risk group ?
than if you were engaged to a non-alcoholic

MM

lillamy

Hi Happyplace -- hey, I'm afraid your post will drown in the three pages of old post here... you might get more responses if you copy and paste your question into a new fresh post? And you deserve some encouragement, I think!

So I read this:
and I guess my first thought is... does it really matter, at the end of the day, why he's behaving the way he is? It sounds like you're pretty unhappy with the way things are, and it's of course natural to look for solutions -- and yeah, he sounds like what one of my former coworkers was like when he stopped going to meetings and stopped working the program, however --

Whatever the reason for his treating you like garbage is, it's not right and you don't have to put up with it. You have every right to expect to be treated with respect and dignity and LOVE.

I'm very sorry you're dealing with this. But you're in the right place -- there are a lot of folks here who are way smarter about these things than I am. Welcome!!!

Rosalba

This is an unfair resentment because he, and he alone, is responsible for his own actions.

It sounds as though you both need to work on establishing boundaries, i.e. understanding where you finish and he starts. Alcoholics are masters at pushing their own responsibilities onto other people, and until he stops blaming you for his own situation then do not even contemplate getting hitched to him. It demonstrates very clearly that he hasn't achieved a meaningful level of recovery, just as his lapses do.

You may find the 'Three C's' of Alanon helpful:

- You didn't cause it
- You can't cure it
- You can't control it

torquemax777

I'm glad you brought that up! I have been wondering how its kept secret when you can smell them a mile away, not only that, but I have always (even from the beginning) been able to tell you even over the phone, when my AH has had only 2 beers. Even his mom can tell; maybe OT, or should be started in another thread, but definitely an interesting point.

torquemax777

I somehow posted this response in the wrong thread; don't know how, so I'll give it one more shot. I think it may be OT, but I too have wondered how these guys/gals keep this a secret. I can smell my AH a mile away, and both his mom and I can tell over the phone, if he's had even 2 beers. Like I said, maybe a subject for a different thread, but interesting none the less.

NYCDoglvr

I'm a recovering alcoholic in my 23rd year of recovery and had the worst relationship of my life with another recovering alcoholic. Met him when I had 10 years, he had a bit more time but was in no program of recovery. I stupidly believed him when he said he's different. If you work AA hard and go to therapy change is possible, but without it you're simply with a dry drunk. Bill Wilson in AA's big book describes alcoholics as self-centered in the extreme, selfish with enormous self-will. Other characteristics: enormous ego combined with low self-esteem, grandiosity. "His majesty the child". All true. Led me straight to Alanon, thank God, and I came to my senses.

Personally I wouldn't go out with another alcoholic if he was channeling Bill Wilson (who was a womanizer, by the way, lol).

spia

I think you are being sucked in. Step away and look at it for what it is and not what it could be. It's hard to fall in love with someone's potential and possible dreams. And not fair to either of you.

TonightTonight

Responded to OP mistakenly.

lillamy

I'd just like to point out that the OP is four years old, and there's a gal in this post who really needs some ES&H -- please, thank you, and HP bless.

bmf1978

I was in your position. Wanted so much to believe that things would work out. Now ten months into our marriage, we are getting divorced. He has had 90 days sober max since we got married. Has done outpatient, AA everyday. I found out a few months into our marriage that he was spending his drunk nights at strip clubs spending hundreds of dollars. This had started before we met. I found out last week that he has been having an affair (mostly emotional) for the past three months. My husband lies like it's his job. He is now off to inpatient rehab (his choice), begging me to take him back. And I'm out the do'. I truly do hope that he gets sober and finds happiness. I love him. But I could never trust him again. And I'm sick of having a life like this.

bmf1978

I was in your shoes. Now I'm married for ten months, and initiating a divorce. I used to come on this board when I was engaged and search for success stories. Notice how there are very few? No judgments at all, dear. I know what it's like to hope against hope that things will be different for you. But don't do it. You will begin to hate him and yourself.

bmf1978

So sorry for the double post.

Mrrryah1

yeah alcoholics are sh*tty people.

desypete

i think the sucess storys will be found in al anon aa open meetings and also most aa members who are living there lives good with there partners are living there lives without being online and with each other
so its hard to expect sucess storys on the site from couples really

maybe some of the guys or girls in relationships who are in recovery could get there partners to maybe post up about what life is like living with a sober recovering drunk compared to living with a dry drunk ? as we hear from the ladys who suffer with these guys daily and in many posts but not from the ladys or gents who live with the recovering who are working the program and living a good life

fluffyflea

Run away. Hand him back his ring!!!!!!

You are crazy if you don't!!!!

desypete

well thats a great helpful post, not only does it slur me it slurs most others as well in recovery

it takes a real person to change and try to change at least alcoholics who are trying are doing that just trying

there alcoholics so have at least some sort of explaination for how they are
whats your excuse for how you are ?

Mrrryah1

I''m an alcoholic. I was quite being sarcastic.

illo

My STBXAH is a binge drinker. I sort of half knew this when we married 7 years ago. I say sort of, because while he had admitted that there was a problem with drink, and had started to go to AA, I had massively underestimated the scale and potential of the problem, and had no idea what it would lead to in the future. The lies, pain, deceit, misery and emotional abuse.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have run a mile.

I have never been so sure of anything as I was when he and I got married. Now, seven years down the line, we are going through an increasingly acrimonious divorce that in the main, has been brought about by his drinking (or my lack of ability to tolerate it, whichever way you will)

The anxiety that it causes when he is actually drinking; could you cope with this on a regular basis? Could you tolerate being lied to, even on the most trivial level? Would it be sufficient for you to know that you were always the second most important thing to him at best, because the drink will always be more important? Would you lie on his behalf to friends, relatives, neighbours, clients? Would you want to bring children into this situation, so that their formative years would be dominated by the continual presence or threat of the disease of alcoholism?

If you answer no to any of these questions (any, not all), then take a breather and think very carefully about what you are doing.

Some of the friends I know through Alanon say that had they known of their spouses alcoholism beforehand, they still would have married them. Hats off to them; they are the minority and I applaud their selflessness. I, on the other hand, would run like the wind. I know that I would not put myself through this knowingly.

Whatever decision you make will take strength; strength to walk away or strength to bear with it. And I wish you all the strength in the world, for it is not an easy one. But in all likelihood, it is easier to do now than it will be 10 years down the line when you have no confidence or self esteem left thanks to years of emotional abuse. Don't forget that alcoholism is a progressive disease, and is unlikely to get any better unless your partner embraces the philosophy of AA and does it properly. But only he can decide to do that. You have no control over this.

I wish you strength and serenity. And the courage, either way, to make the decision that is right for you.

God bless xxxx

Ursula745

Can't say you're insane or tell you what you should do. Personally, no I would absolutely not marry a recovering alcoholic, at least one so new at it. Especially after the recent lies.

Good luck in your decision. At lest you aren't in it already and can step back and evaluate.