Am I Insane to marry a recovering alcoholic???
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Los Angeles, C
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Am I Insane to marry a recovering alcoholic???
I am engaged to a recovering alcoholic. I've been on your forum several times reading your stories and it scares me. I love my fiance dearly and we are great partners. I see the life that we could have together if he stays sober and it's glorious. But then I see the reality of the disease from reading about it and reading all of your posts and I wonder if I'm insane to willingly put myself in harm's way like this by choosing a life with an alcoholic.
My fiance came clean to me 5 months ago that he's a binge alcoholic. Up to that point he managed to manipulate situations to successfully hide it from me for the 9 months that we'd been living together, and let me tell you. . . .he was brilliant at it. I had no idea. I also have no history of alcoholism or substance abuse in my family and have never had any friends who struggle with it, so it wasn't even in my vocabulary to think that all the times he had "stomach flu" he was really in alcohol sickness and pulling himself out of a week long, 3 bottle a day vodka bender.
We got engaged before he came clean to me. After the engagement he had one last horrific bender where he hit bottom and finally told me what was going on. He got himself back to AA (where he'd been five years prior and cleaned up only to fall off the wagon in the last two years). He's now been sober again for 5 months and very dedicated to the program. . . . .and I'm the one struggling.
I feel like Bella Swan in "Twilight". She's in love with a Vampire who she knows is dangerous, someone who could end her life as she knows it, yet she still goes with him. If her friends/family knew they'd talk sense to her, talk her out of it. They'd also probably run the Vampire out of town. So she keeps it to herself to protect him and their love. But the secret is killing her and she wonders if her friends/family are right.
My fiance came clean to me 5 months ago that he's a binge alcoholic. Up to that point he managed to manipulate situations to successfully hide it from me for the 9 months that we'd been living together, and let me tell you. . . .he was brilliant at it. I had no idea. I also have no history of alcoholism or substance abuse in my family and have never had any friends who struggle with it, so it wasn't even in my vocabulary to think that all the times he had "stomach flu" he was really in alcohol sickness and pulling himself out of a week long, 3 bottle a day vodka bender.
We got engaged before he came clean to me. After the engagement he had one last horrific bender where he hit bottom and finally told me what was going on. He got himself back to AA (where he'd been five years prior and cleaned up only to fall off the wagon in the last two years). He's now been sober again for 5 months and very dedicated to the program. . . . .and I'm the one struggling.
I feel like Bella Swan in "Twilight". She's in love with a Vampire who she knows is dangerous, someone who could end her life as she knows it, yet she still goes with him. If her friends/family knew they'd talk sense to her, talk her out of it. They'd also probably run the Vampire out of town. So she keeps it to herself to protect him and their love. But the secret is killing her and she wonders if her friends/family are right.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Michigan
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You said that you are engaged. Do you have wedding plans? Can you put things on hold and like Stella27 said to back off and see where this goes in 6 months. You are living with him you don't necessarily need to get married at the moment.
By the way most alcoholics are brilliant when it comes to hiding it!
By the way most alcoholics are brilliant when it comes to hiding it!
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 83
He has a history of getting sober only to fall off the wagon again.
He lied to you for nine months about his drinking.
He proposed marriage but even that was not enough to keep him from drinking again.
He has 5 months sober, which in the scheme of things, is not a great deal of time.
I sincerely urge you to GO SLOW, and not commit to marriage until you see more positive signs on his part that he is the person you want to be committing the rest of your life to.
He lied to you for nine months about his drinking.
He proposed marriage but even that was not enough to keep him from drinking again.
He has 5 months sober, which in the scheme of things, is not a great deal of time.
I sincerely urge you to GO SLOW, and not commit to marriage until you see more positive signs on his part that he is the person you want to be committing the rest of your life to.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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I agree with the others RedHeadShopGirl
A slow down would be a great idea.
I've nothing against recovering alcoholics - I'm one myself - but if you have doubts, do you really want to be making a lifetime commitment right now?
I think you need time to let these doubts and trust issues work themselves out, one way or the other.
If this guys the real deal, he'll understand that
D
A slow down would be a great idea.
I've nothing against recovering alcoholics - I'm one myself - but if you have doubts, do you really want to be making a lifetime commitment right now?
I think you need time to let these doubts and trust issues work themselves out, one way or the other.
If this guys the real deal, he'll understand that
D
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
I can only echo what everyone else said: take it slow.
And, here is an additional thought. Any recovering alcoholic, especially in the first year of recovery, needs to focus on nothing else but their recovery: relationships, jobs, new projects, new house, acquiring a pet, having kids....all of that should wait.
It's not just important for your sense of security and trust, that you wait, it's important for his recovery.
And, here is an additional thought. Any recovering alcoholic, especially in the first year of recovery, needs to focus on nothing else but their recovery: relationships, jobs, new projects, new house, acquiring a pet, having kids....all of that should wait.
It's not just important for your sense of security and trust, that you wait, it's important for his recovery.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
If this man is "THE ONE", if you are meant to have a relationship with him, and if he's super-wonderful-committed-to-sobriety, then he won't have a problem with slowing right now and waiting to see how things develop. There is no *danger* in waiting, as much as some alcoholics make everything out to be URGENT all the time (not saying that this is the case with your fiancé).
littefish made a good point: he's only in his first year of recovery. It's time for him to focus exclusively on that and nothing else.
littefish made a good point: he's only in his first year of recovery. It's time for him to focus exclusively on that and nothing else.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
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Redhead, Welcome to the family!
Congrats on your engagement. It is such an exciting time.
Kudos to your finace for coming clean on the drinking. That's really great.
On the other hand, whoa! What a big issue!
I have been married to my AH for 2 1/2 years. I am considering leaving him due to his drinking and a myriad of other things that have arisen from it.
Before I got married, I had red flags, but I LOVED him so much and I was so excited and happy and hopeful that I dismissed them.
* He had lied about quitting smoking and was smoking in secret
* He hid his alcohol in the garage or in his car (probably other places - I don't know!)
* He cheated at board games
* He was impossible to communicate with when he was feeling threatened
Anyway, tons of little things that I ignored.
We had a blissful 2 years. Really great! He was depressed off and on, but kind and funny and fun...Then, I got pregnant. Then I found a big stash of wine empties, then lost the baby (not related, I don't think). Anyway, losing the baby made me realize I should address his drinking and communication and honesty NOW before we get pregnant again.
I opened Pandora's box. I broke the unspoken rule of not talking about the uncomfortable stuff.
Things are on the fast downhill of the rollercoaster and I think I want off.
I remember people suggesting couple's therapy when I got engaged and I thought, "I don't need that. We're happy. We're great!" But, I think it might have helped. Well, in truth, he wouldn't have gone and that might have been an indicator to me, too.
For me putting myself in your shoes (which are alot like mine), the hurdles are a) he's been actively drinking and b) hiding and lying.
I would suggest wrestling with those things and trying to get to how you feel about them. Are they acceptable in a relationship of yours? Why or why not? I hear you have concerns. Explore those. If these things are not acceptable, what does that mean for you? How are you going to take care of you and your needs?
Alanon is a wonderful place to start.
Reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie was very helpful for me, as well.
I admire your courage to look at this stuff BEFORE getting married. I wasn't ready. It's scary stuff and involves the potential loss of the dream and all the hope and wonderfulness wrapped up in your guy. *ouch*
On the flip side, I am growing in my self respect and my own emotional footing (if that makes sense). I am realizing I allowed too much and didn't have a very strong sense of self worth. Now, I am realizing I am WORTH it. I am worth putting my foot down and saying I deserve honesty! I deserve openness. I deserve sanity and not mind-bending, run-around, crazy-making, alcoholic messiness. That feels good.
Hang tough. Stick around!
Hugs
w
Congrats on your engagement. It is such an exciting time.
Kudos to your finace for coming clean on the drinking. That's really great.
On the other hand, whoa! What a big issue!
I have been married to my AH for 2 1/2 years. I am considering leaving him due to his drinking and a myriad of other things that have arisen from it.
Before I got married, I had red flags, but I LOVED him so much and I was so excited and happy and hopeful that I dismissed them.
* He had lied about quitting smoking and was smoking in secret
* He hid his alcohol in the garage or in his car (probably other places - I don't know!)
* He cheated at board games
* He was impossible to communicate with when he was feeling threatened
Anyway, tons of little things that I ignored.
We had a blissful 2 years. Really great! He was depressed off and on, but kind and funny and fun...Then, I got pregnant. Then I found a big stash of wine empties, then lost the baby (not related, I don't think). Anyway, losing the baby made me realize I should address his drinking and communication and honesty NOW before we get pregnant again.
I opened Pandora's box. I broke the unspoken rule of not talking about the uncomfortable stuff.
Things are on the fast downhill of the rollercoaster and I think I want off.
I remember people suggesting couple's therapy when I got engaged and I thought, "I don't need that. We're happy. We're great!" But, I think it might have helped. Well, in truth, he wouldn't have gone and that might have been an indicator to me, too.
For me putting myself in your shoes (which are alot like mine), the hurdles are a) he's been actively drinking and b) hiding and lying.
I would suggest wrestling with those things and trying to get to how you feel about them. Are they acceptable in a relationship of yours? Why or why not? I hear you have concerns. Explore those. If these things are not acceptable, what does that mean for you? How are you going to take care of you and your needs?
Alanon is a wonderful place to start.
Reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie was very helpful for me, as well.
I admire your courage to look at this stuff BEFORE getting married. I wasn't ready. It's scary stuff and involves the potential loss of the dream and all the hope and wonderfulness wrapped up in your guy. *ouch*
On the flip side, I am growing in my self respect and my own emotional footing (if that makes sense). I am realizing I allowed too much and didn't have a very strong sense of self worth. Now, I am realizing I am WORTH it. I am worth putting my foot down and saying I deserve honesty! I deserve openness. I deserve sanity and not mind-bending, run-around, crazy-making, alcoholic messiness. That feels good.
Hang tough. Stick around!
Hugs
w
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by RedHeadShopGirl 
I feel like Bella Swan in "Twilight". She's in love with a Vampire who she knows is dangerous, someone who could end her life as she knows it, yet she still goes with him. If her friends/family knew they'd talk sense to her, talk her out of it. They'd also probably run the Vampire out of town. So she keeps it to herself to protect him and their love. But the secret is killing her and she wonders if her friends/family are right.
Something in a frame on a former therapist's wall:
If it's a secret, it's not ok.
The good news in this story is that HE came to YOU and told you what was going on. He knows he is sick inside and he wants to be the complete man that he knows he can be. The bad news is a 3-bottle-a-day habit is pretty huge. You, I, or he himself does not know at this moment if he will stay sober for the rest of his life. You are never going to have a positive guarantee, but the more clean time he has under his belt, the better both of you will feel about that prospect.
Please write back and tell us that you do not have a date for the wedding yet, and that you will attend al-anon.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Could you possibly be romanticizing your situation a little bit? You are not a novel. Real life isn't Bella and Edward. (Great Series! But just a fantasy.)
That would be kind of a concern for me - that I was fantasizing my relationship with my fiance was like Bella and Edward.
Look at the facts mam. Just the facts.
In real life, vampires suck the blood out of their victims and leave them dead.
That would be kind of a concern for me - that I was fantasizing my relationship with my fiance was like Bella and Edward.
Look at the facts mam. Just the facts.
In real life, vampires suck the blood out of their victims and leave them dead.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Originally Posted by hello-kitty
Could you possibly be romanticizing your situation a little bit? You are not a novel. Real life isn't Bella and Edward. (Great Series! But just a fantasy.)
That would be kind of a concern for me - that I was fantasizing my relationship with my fiance was like Bella and Edward.
Look at the facts mam. Just the facts.
In real life, vampires suck the blood out of their victims and leave them dead.
That would be kind of a concern for me - that I was fantasizing my relationship with my fiance was like Bella and Edward.
Look at the facts mam. Just the facts.
In real life, vampires suck the blood out of their victims and leave them dead.
Of course, a part of me sees the yuck (and you do, too, cuz we are both here), but the good is SO MUCH BETTER!
That thinking mires me.
If the secret is killing you, what are you going to do to live?
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: At my computer
Posts: 28
The wedding is not tommorow or anything is it? I would definately wait on this one and see what transpires.
When I married my husband he was just a "social drinker". I always say that if I knew then what my life would be like now I would have ran like crazy. I can't go back though and have to accept what my life is now. To me marriage is a life long commitment, for better or worse. You need to make sure that you can deal with the "worse". Just don't jump into things.
When I married my husband he was just a "social drinker". I always say that if I knew then what my life would be like now I would have ran like crazy. I can't go back though and have to accept what my life is now. To me marriage is a life long commitment, for better or worse. You need to make sure that you can deal with the "worse". Just don't jump into things.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 53
I've gotta agree with everyone else here and say slow down. I know it will be hard to do, because I would have a very hard time keeping my wits if my ABF asked me to marry him. (He's not in recovery)
I am curious though, I see an awful lot of people talk about how their husbands or boyfriends or wives hid that they drank. I don't understand how they can do that, how you wouldn't know.
My abf hid it from me, until we lived together, at which point, hiding it would've been impossible.... or so it seems to me. Wouldn't you smell it on their breath? Wouldn't there be other signs? I just don't get how A's are hiding it and how their SO's are missing it?
Very curious on that.
I am curious though, I see an awful lot of people talk about how their husbands or boyfriends or wives hid that they drank. I don't understand how they can do that, how you wouldn't know.
My abf hid it from me, until we lived together, at which point, hiding it would've been impossible.... or so it seems to me. Wouldn't you smell it on their breath? Wouldn't there be other signs? I just don't get how A's are hiding it and how their SO's are missing it?
Very curious on that.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Yea...its weird (how we don't know our partners are drinking). And even now, I have no idea how much he drinks...
Half of my not knowing was my complicity in denial.
Half was his sneakiness.
One thing was he would always put his glass on the floor. Like if he was sitting at the couch, instead of putting it on the table, or holding it, he would put it down on the floor.
Or if he was sitting on the floor, he would tuck in away behind him.
He would refill when I wasn't in the kitchen.
He kept new wine bottles in the garage, hidden. The first time I found them and asked why there were wine bottles in the tool drawer in the garage, he said he had wanted to keep them cool, and besides, they were just in the way in the kitchen. (When I did my big confrontation, he said he hid them because he knew alcohol made me uncomfortable and he wanted me to feel comfortable. Uh huh!) He swears now that he hasn't been hiding his alcohol all along, but I have known about his stash for YEARS so that is a STRAIGHT UP LIE.
He took out the recycling.
I did wake up in the middle of the night a few times (I generally sleep like a rock) and go out in the living room to find him drinking. He would try slowly to put his glass behind him, so I wouldn't notice it.
All of it was an unspoken message, "Don't notice this."
But there were other things. One time I heard the clank of glass behind his truck seat and realized he was storing in there.
One time, an empty beer bottle rolled out and hit me on the back of the foot when I was in his passenger seat. "Oh!" he exclaimed, "that must have fallen out of the recycling!" Well, the recycling is a drippy container. He ALWAYS put it in the back of his truck. That excuse (and the urgency with which it was said) told me he was lying (but I couldn't prove it.)
One time, we met at a restaurant and we were standing outside talking before getting in our cars to go home. I was cold and asked if he had a jacket. He said yes, but then when we got to his truck, he got all weird and stalled. When I finally walked away to my car, he got the jacket and ran it over to me. I can't prove it, but I got the feeling he was afraid I'd see his stash if he got the jacket (which was behind his seat with the booze).
One time, I found a red stain in his coffee cup. (He did, eventually, admit it was wine and he was driving - but he swears it only happened once and just to the post office).
Alot of my suspicion has been just a bad feeling, but he adamently denies it and I WANT to believe him (because who wants a lying, alcoholic husband?) so I end up stuck. Even if I KNOW he's full of it, he is so sure and so HURT that I would accuse him of being dishonest, I feel like a creep and I second guess myself.
When I found the 16 bottles from one week, I realized I had NO IDEA when he drank or where. I saw him consume a few that week, but 16??!?
So, I figure it was on the way to work, on the way home, at work, or in the middle of the night.
That is heavy sh*t. (please excuse my language, but it is!) He says he drank it in the evenings in front of me and he SWEARS it wasn't 16 bottles (although I counted them).
And I know he lies. So I realize I will NEVER KNOW how much he drinks or when.
He has messed with my head. Yesterday, we were discussing some info that I was SURE I had emailed him and he was SURE I had not. I could picture the email in my head. But when I went to check my email, I couldn't find it.
I started to freak out. Am I losing my memory? Am I confused? Maybe I don't remember things right! Maybe I AM overreacting to my AH. Maybe he's not really an alcoholic! Maybe...
Maybe I got confused about that one email and I need to relax.
Alcoholics are a mind f**k.
Half of my not knowing was my complicity in denial.
Half was his sneakiness.
One thing was he would always put his glass on the floor. Like if he was sitting at the couch, instead of putting it on the table, or holding it, he would put it down on the floor.
Or if he was sitting on the floor, he would tuck in away behind him.
He would refill when I wasn't in the kitchen.
He kept new wine bottles in the garage, hidden. The first time I found them and asked why there were wine bottles in the tool drawer in the garage, he said he had wanted to keep them cool, and besides, they were just in the way in the kitchen. (When I did my big confrontation, he said he hid them because he knew alcohol made me uncomfortable and he wanted me to feel comfortable. Uh huh!) He swears now that he hasn't been hiding his alcohol all along, but I have known about his stash for YEARS so that is a STRAIGHT UP LIE.
He took out the recycling.
I did wake up in the middle of the night a few times (I generally sleep like a rock) and go out in the living room to find him drinking. He would try slowly to put his glass behind him, so I wouldn't notice it.
All of it was an unspoken message, "Don't notice this."
But there were other things. One time I heard the clank of glass behind his truck seat and realized he was storing in there.
One time, an empty beer bottle rolled out and hit me on the back of the foot when I was in his passenger seat. "Oh!" he exclaimed, "that must have fallen out of the recycling!" Well, the recycling is a drippy container. He ALWAYS put it in the back of his truck. That excuse (and the urgency with which it was said) told me he was lying (but I couldn't prove it.)
One time, we met at a restaurant and we were standing outside talking before getting in our cars to go home. I was cold and asked if he had a jacket. He said yes, but then when we got to his truck, he got all weird and stalled. When I finally walked away to my car, he got the jacket and ran it over to me. I can't prove it, but I got the feeling he was afraid I'd see his stash if he got the jacket (which was behind his seat with the booze).
One time, I found a red stain in his coffee cup. (He did, eventually, admit it was wine and he was driving - but he swears it only happened once and just to the post office).
Alot of my suspicion has been just a bad feeling, but he adamently denies it and I WANT to believe him (because who wants a lying, alcoholic husband?) so I end up stuck. Even if I KNOW he's full of it, he is so sure and so HURT that I would accuse him of being dishonest, I feel like a creep and I second guess myself.
When I found the 16 bottles from one week, I realized I had NO IDEA when he drank or where. I saw him consume a few that week, but 16??!?
So, I figure it was on the way to work, on the way home, at work, or in the middle of the night.
That is heavy sh*t. (please excuse my language, but it is!) He says he drank it in the evenings in front of me and he SWEARS it wasn't 16 bottles (although I counted them).
And I know he lies. So I realize I will NEVER KNOW how much he drinks or when.
He has messed with my head. Yesterday, we were discussing some info that I was SURE I had emailed him and he was SURE I had not. I could picture the email in my head. But when I went to check my email, I couldn't find it.
I started to freak out. Am I losing my memory? Am I confused? Maybe I don't remember things right! Maybe I AM overreacting to my AH. Maybe he's not really an alcoholic! Maybe...
Maybe I got confused about that one email and I need to relax.
Alcoholics are a mind f**k.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by elleymae
I am curious though, I see an awful lot of people talk about how their husbands or boyfriends or wives hid that they drank. I don't understand how they can do that, how you wouldn't know.
Wouldn't you smell it on their breath? Wouldn't there be other signs? I just don't get how A's are hiding it and how their SO's are missing it?
Wouldn't you smell it on their breath? Wouldn't there be other signs? I just don't get how A's are hiding it and how their SO's are missing it?
and i do think there are other signs, but in my case i was living with a dry drunk, so put that in the equation. also, wife illustrated some of the faces of denial very well.
oh and by the way "wife", that last comment: right on you are.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
LOL!
Did I smell it on him? Never! (Except the other night - after he said he quit - with a beer burp - YUCK!)
Did he seem drunk? Maybe a handful of times in my life have I seen my AH drunk.
What a trip that is!
I have NO idea how much he is intoxicated.
No idea.
I asked my mom about this with my dad (she asked him to leave. He was an alcoholic.)
She said he never hid it, but when he was drunk, he was all about communication and was expressive. When he wasn't, he wasn't.
So, who knows.
That's the whole point, I guess.
He doesn't let on and doesn't tell the truth.
Yuck.
Did I smell it on him? Never! (Except the other night - after he said he quit - with a beer burp - YUCK!)
Did he seem drunk? Maybe a handful of times in my life have I seen my AH drunk.
What a trip that is!
I have NO idea how much he is intoxicated.
No idea.
I asked my mom about this with my dad (she asked him to leave. He was an alcoholic.)
She said he never hid it, but when he was drunk, he was all about communication and was expressive. When he wasn't, he wasn't.
So, who knows.
That's the whole point, I guess.
He doesn't let on and doesn't tell the truth.
Yuck.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
When I met my AH he was in "recovery". We have been married for 8 1/2 years. I just left him on Dec 3, 2009. I'm in hiding. He didn't tell you right off. He hasn't been sober very long; he's already breaking the rules.
If you go through with this your crazy. Even with a 100% committed to the program person it's hard for them. To some one who is already not being honest... You will live a life of lies and heart break... yep... your insane... good luck to you...
If you go through with this your crazy. Even with a 100% committed to the program person it's hard for them. To some one who is already not being honest... You will live a life of lies and heart break... yep... your insane... good luck to you...
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Elleymae,
Unless you are glued to the hip, you cannot know if someone (who lies a lot) is drinking or not. You can be with someone for years and not know. You might pick up on cues (inconsistencies of stories or lapses in time) but until alcoholism and the concept of it surfaces, you can be in the dark.
I am a pretty smart girl and I did not know that L was drinking when he did. I knew about certain occassions, but his hiding it became really good. I wasn't spying on him or checking up on him, so many things didn't register with me.
Unless you are glued to the hip, you cannot know if someone (who lies a lot) is drinking or not. You can be with someone for years and not know. You might pick up on cues (inconsistencies of stories or lapses in time) but until alcoholism and the concept of it surfaces, you can be in the dark.
I am a pretty smart girl and I did not know that L was drinking when he did. I knew about certain occassions, but his hiding it became really good. I wasn't spying on him or checking up on him, so many things didn't register with me.
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