worriedwife2

Hello, I haven't been here in a while. I am still working on detaching from my AH. I actually started going to counseling on my own two weeks ago and it is going great. I am not ready to leave him yet, but I am detaching with love. You guys have always been so great with advice. So here's my question, has anyone had any luck with separte bank accounts? All of our money goes to a joint account, and it always causes major fights, because he is always writing checks and withdrawing money without telling me.

So this is what we did, we opened up a separate account in just his name and each week the bank will automatically transfer $100 from our joint accounts on each Thursday. This way I have no idea where his money goes and I won't constantly be checking on him. This is his hard earned money too and if we can afford to put that much into an account for him maybe it will make the money thing less stressful for me while I am detaching. Do you think this is a good idea or is this still a way of enabling him by him having money each week. He takes it anyways, but this way I don't have any idea and when its out its out. He won't have access to our joint account anymore. I will have the checks and debit cards.

What do all you wonderful people think about this idea?

Thanks,
Chris

suki44883

Sounds like a decent idea to me. If he's working and bringing in a paycheck, there's no reason why he shouldn't have a bit of money for himself, so long as the mortgage and other bills are being paid. It would cut down on fights and as long as he no longer has access to the joint account, it sounds like a fair compromise.

stella27

I think it's fine. ESPECIALLY the part about him not having access to the bulk of your family's money.

I do think it's a step toward detachment - his money, his decision how to spend it, you will step away from micro-managing him. Perfect.

PurpleWilder

Make sure the bank understands VERY CLEARLY that you are running this. None of him calling trying to get more $ transferred or getting someone to go in saying they are you and withdrawing more $ that what you have agreed to give.

And make sure that any check made out to the both of you is made out to "Mr. Worried Wife AND Mrs. Worried Wife". The "AND" there means both of you must endorse it to be cashed. If it is just your names without the "AND", only one of you must endorse it. Found that our the hard way.

Jadmack25

Good idea, and should cut out the hassles you have had.
Do you have your own account as he now has, to use as you wish, and with no accountability as to how you spend it?

God bless

NYC_Chick

I like it! I don't think it's enabling, I think it's protecting your sanity!

MissFixit

Wow.

As I have never been married I don't understand the whole marital money thing. As a single person though, I could not imagine not doing with my money as I wish. I think I might be too selfish to be married.

worriedwife2

Thanks everyone. I hope this does work out.

Jazzman

Halfway though my first marriage I told my wife I was separating our finances, I didn't ask. I also told her I would pay the lions share of the house hold bills even though our salaries were almost the same. I opened my own checking and savings account and had my paychecks deposited there. I paid all my bills (mortgage included) on time with my income and never looked back. In one year, for the first time since being married I had paid off my only credit card and had money in savings. In two years had saved enough to refinance the house to a lower rate 15 yr loan. She how ever continued to run up credit cards and a year after we were divorced she filed for bankruptcy. Last time I checked my credit score was 820. My first ex has since filed for bankruptcy a second time.

I insisted on separate accounts during my second marriage and that turned out to be a good move too. If you are the only fiancially responsible adult in the family then as far as I'm concerned your husband has forfeited his right to an opinion when it comes to family finances. I guess you can see I feel pretty strongly about that! LOL!!

isurvived

I think differently about this, probably from my own experiences.

I think it IS you trying to control him in a round about way.

I tried it and it didn't work. We ended up both having separate accounts, and each of us paid particular bills. (he very often didn't pay the ones assigned to him) Surprise!

It boiled down to the lack of trust. We weren't on the same page - he'd spend more than he had, I'd have to roll more into his account, and along with it my resentment.

Money problems really are like adding gas to a fire.

Pelican

I liked your plan until the end. If the account is still joint, he has access still. He can walk into any branch and sign a counter check to make a withdrawal. He can also make a transfer over the phone from HIS joint account to HIS personal account.

There is no way to block him from accessing a Joint account as long as he is listed on the account. He can even request a new debit card.

coffeedrinker

my gut is going with isurvived here. it is an indication of non-trust.

while in marital therapy, our therapist told my husband and i that when it is that time of the month to pay bills, we both sit down and we both write the checks, discuss, etc, together. she said it was a way to not responsibile to have the other person in charge of doing it.

with that being said, however, i think that since for a lot of married people, keeping their money separate is more an issue of some independence. it works for many folks. so....i guess the bottom line is what you two decide on - if it is mutually acceptable, and the parameters are in place, it should be fine. i don't truly think that a couple needs to know where each dollar is spent, but i would question why it is that him taking out money - seemingly behind your back - is going on.