Electa

Hello: I've been gone for a while. Last time I posted, I believed our 27 year old daughter is alcoholic and may also have mental health issues. Thanks for your observations on this latter as subsequent events have indicated this is true.

Now I'm more certain about the mental health angle. She has been diagnosed with moderate, chronic depression and is on anti-depressants. She's just begun and is in the process of having her dosage increased. Insomnia remains a huge problem, and each time she visits us we notice heavy, over-the-top drinking. She seems to follow heavy drinking episodes with dry days, for any number of reasons.

I've been good at keeping boundaries, and keeping my mouth shut. But, it is becoming clearer to me that her current relationship is likely contributing to her depression. She has moved in with an older woman who is romantically interested in her, wines and dines her, does not charge her rent, and showers her with expensive gifts. Our daughter claims the relationship is on the up and up because she has made it clear to this older woman that she is not interested in her romantically, but only as a good friend. However, there is an understanding between the two that they are "exclusive" with one another. Neither one dates others, or HAS, until recently, when our daughter became re-acquainted with an old high school boyfriend, whom she has dated while down here visiting us. Her "land-lady/good-friend" in the city 100 miles away has expressed suspicion that our daughter is "cheating" on her with this guy. Our daughter (who incidentally is very beautiful as well as emotionally and chemically troubled) has of course denied this, fearing if the truth emerges, she'll be thrown out of her cozy digs in a city she loves but cannot afford to live in on her own dime.

From my own personal experience, I suspect that our daughter's depression
is at least partly due to this relationship, which represents a hefty dose of mutual denial, mixed with mutual rationalizations and beliefs, that neither our daughter or her 40 year old friend can admit to or recognize. We raised our daughter with a strong sense of ethics, and at some level her conscience is telling her what she is doing is not honorable.

I've said nothing about this, although my husband warned our daughter that she'd better not be "stringing along" this older woman, who is to our knowledge an extremely nice, albeit somewhat naive person. Of course our daughter had a ready response to that charge, saying that her friend KNOWS there is no future for them as a couple. Yet, she freely admits that this friend wants to settle down and have a family; wants even to be our daughter's "baby mama".

This really bugs me. To the extent I say nothing, I feel like I'm a participant in this charade. On the other hand, it's not my business. She is an adult, and will eventually see that this relationship comes around to bite her on her bottom.

Any thoughts about how I should handle this? You forum friends have always been good to giving doses of good advice (which I have really followed).

Electa

stella27

Hi Electa,

I think it's her life, and she probably already knows that you don't approve of her living situation. Are you supporting her in some way?

Learn2Live

Hi Electa. I hope you and your husband are otherwise doing well. My feedback for you is a question to ask yourself: Why do you need to know this level of detail about your daughter's lovelife and other intimacies? And why does your daughter feel the need to reveal all these intimacies to her parents?

Electa

Thanks to you both:

To Stella: No we are not supporting our daughter financially. Not for the past two years. Unfortunately, she transferred her financial dependence to others; either women with wealthy and indulgent parents, or women who are themselves wealthy and indulgent.

To Learn2Live: Ummm, why do I need to know about this level of detail in our daughter's life? I am going to have to spend some time thinking this one over. I guess what immediately comes to mind is that I keep hoping she will mature, and become financially and emotionally independent. So I keep looking for evidence that she is growing up. Each time I look, however, I get my nose flattened. I guess it serves me right.

Our daughter enjoys "tweaking" her parents, by her OWN (albeit drunken) admission. This alone should tell me I need to quit concerning myself with her affairs.

Thanks again,

Electa

Learn2Live

Glad you are thinking about this Electa

I guess I should clarify: When I find myself knowing way too much detail about someone else's life, or find myself obsessing or losing sleep about someone else's life, or find myself talking about someone else's life, I often find it is because I am trying to control that other person's life. Why I do this, I'm not quite sure. Is it because I don't think they are able to make the right decisions for themself? Is it because I don't trust that they will be able to make the right decisions, and therefore, it will fall back on me to straighten up after them? Or is it just that I do not respect them enough to allow them to do things themselves? Maybe it's a combination of all these reasons. For sure I do not like having to clean up the messes of other people's lives. Maybe SOME DAY I will learn to stop making myself responsible for other people's lives and their clean-up. I'm just a regular Ms. Fixit, huh? (sarcasm) Old habits die hard.

Spiritual Seeker

Practice living by the serenity prayer:

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things that I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.

This too will pass...
Your daughter surely knows that when she is ready to seek a different way to live, you will support her in that effort.
In the meantime, letting go, acceptance + patience is all we can have at some stages with our children.

Still Waters

Depression is often a by product of alcohol. My AH claimed he drank due to the depression, then of course the alcohol caused more depression, etc.

Electa

Still Waters: i hope her counselor points out the connection between alcoholism and depression. Certainly both are genetic "endowments" she's inherited, but the one exacerbates the other. I'll think to mention this the next time we discuss her depression. Thanks.

Spiritual Seeker: Very wise and consoling words you shared with me. Thanks.

Learn2Live: I appreciate your letting me know that you, as well as I, have these "fix-it" needs that we must be mindful of. I think, like you, it's a combination of factors that drives these needs. When they surface, it is good to engage in introspection.

I do have some optimism. On our daughter's last visit, she declared she HATES her job. I suggested the good thing about her dislike was that it could be the incentive she needs to go back to school and seriously pursue a genuine career. She agreed. Now, if she DOES do something to pursue a career, it may lead to a better self image and more heathy choices for her life. I'm hoping that her distaste for her current job, coupled with the counseling she gets, proves to be the ticket she needs to get out of her
apathy.

Thanks.