Freedom1990

I no longer allow active alcoholics in my home. My home is just that...my home, my sanctuary, my safe place.

My peace of mind is far too important for me today to compromise my boundaries and beliefs.

Even my 32 year old AD isn't allowed in my home.

Kittyboo

What I see here is Transform processing something that she just went through. It's not easy, nor do I think that anyone here thinks it's easy. But sometimes it's difficult enough processing painful information, and coming to terms with it at our own pace.

Sometimes I think there needs to be "tough love", no doubt. I mean I just went off on my sister about her constant need to be treated like crap. And it's her problem, not mine, as a few here told me. I agree.

I do feel that when many of us are in the middle of processing information and coming to terms with our feelings, the last thing we WANT to hear is "WHY WHY WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS!!!???"
You know what, there are a million reasons why someone chooses to handle a situation a certain way. Some people will learn from that and choose to handle the same situation differently in the future. Some people will handle the same situation the same way for 20 years and still want different results.
I wasn't at Transforms house when a drunk AH showed up.... but I can kind of appreciate the heart stopping feeling that probably came when the door was opened, and the possible loss of immediate words.... and the wanting to STILL dig for answers that have not been given closure to, and that may NEVER get closure.

We've all read threads about the up and down emotions, one minute angry, happy, sad, lonely, content... this search for inner peace can be a confusing and difficult process. It's hard, it sucks. And one day with enough work we get there! And it's great.

I know i'm not saying anything that anyone here doesn't already know. But there was just a lot of tension that surfaced in this thread. For the most part, I think we are all here because we have put up with a hell of a lot more than, when we reflect on it, we should have or wanted to. I think cutting some slack for all would be good here.

Just my 2 cents. I have a lot of respect for everyone here.

LaTeeDa

I understand where this comes from, but I have to respectfully disagree. The posts on this board that helped most in my growth were the ones that made me uncomfortable. The ones that questioned my belief that what I was doing was best for me. (And more times than I'd like to admit--they were right.)

If all this board consisted of was "you go girl"s and "there, there you poor thing"s, it would be neither helpful or useful. The reason I keep coming back here after so many years is because I learn something almost every day here. I've also noticed over the years that the posts that provoke a reaction in me are the most useful because they point to something in myself that I need to look more closely at.

It's an internet forum. None of us has any power over anyone else. We say what we think and others can take it or leave it. I, for one, hope this doesn't ever turn into a "cutting slack" forum, because it will cease to be useful to me at that point.

If my way of dealing with life was working for me, I wouldn't have needed this place. I needed (and still need) people to show me a better way because they have been where I am and have found a better way. And I am eternally grateful to those who didn't "cut me any slack." You know who you are.

L

Oh, and BTW, transform's AH didn't "just show up," she called him and provoked him into showing up.

Kittyboo

I totally understand...and I actually agree with your disagreement of what I stated.

I certainly don't meant that all anyone should say is "it'll be ok, you go girl...etc."
God knows I come here daily to gain strength again and a reminder of the life I should be happy that I LOST. No doubt.
I just could also see in this thread in particular how it SEEMED that there was all of a sudden plethora of "Hellooooo!! Wake up...why are you doing this!??"
Just from Transforms post...I didn't get the impression that she was trying to invite constant pain into her life. But coming to terms with it.
Just my perspective.

But like I said, I take much of the tough love offered here, and imagine it is being said to me too.

GiveLove

Different people learn at different speeds, through different triggering events, and with differing amounts of agony required before a new, better way of coping surfaces. In my own personal experience, this kind of thing hurts enough without having people repeatedly poke it and point out that it's self-inflicted. Say it once, we're trying to help. Say it more than once, we're doing it for us. (and I say that with nothing but respect for the strong women of our forum, whose candor has helped me save my life over the years)

So in this thread, we've had brutal honesty, we've had tough love, we've had pushing back against tough love, and we've had some voices of reason. More fired-up than most of our threads, but that's the way it goes sometimes.

From here, the only place to go is down, into the "you ought to" and "you people ought to" muck. Pointless and unhelpful.

So let's step away from this thread and stay away for at least a day or two.

(I have a feeling that transform's mind and spirit are already spinning this cr@ppy event into gold somewhere, and I'll be interested in what it comes up with when she's ready to share.)

Thanks.

Jadmack25

Quote from original post by transform, ((My interaction with him last night also gave me validation that my instincts are correct, which eventually I won't need or care about if my current rate of progress is any indication of the future.))

This was the part that jumped out at me, that him coming there in there state he was in renewed your determination to stay out of the life you had left behind. It also gave you the chance to use your new found skills to handle it well, as you did, and that increased your confidence in yourself even more.

Quote from post by transform, ((And Jadmack, i didn't do anything DUMB TO SHOW MYSELF WHAT I'M MISSING
I've already explained what happened and you aren't going to get me to mistrust myself.
I'm not in denial, I know myself, know where I've been, where i am and where I'm going. It's like some of you spend your time coming here just so you can belittle folks and try to control them.))

My actual words were ((Sometimes we need to do things that seem dumb)), and were not meant as criticism of you, but simply saying that some things that may appear dumb to others are actually a benefit in certain situations.

As for me "getting you to mistrust yourself", that is the last thing I would ever consider doing to anyone, especially at SR where the object is to help, support and nourish other's growth and trust in themselves.

I was somewhat startled at appearing to you as being one of those you see who, "spend your time coming here just so you can belittle folks and try to control them". Again a bit surprising to be so labelled.

I come here because I NEED to, for my own sake, having been belittled and controlled myself, so doing this to other hurting, grieving or fragile people is not my scene.

If anyone feels I have hurt or belittled them in any way, I apologize for their hurt, and must look more carefully at how I put my comments, as I sure do not intend to harm anyone.

God bless

Insulated

just trying to work out the damaging effects of the PTSD.


No offense taken, really. If he is an addict and pursuing another woman, why do you care or remember her birthday? Shouldn't he be doing that? We all work out the damaging effect of PTSD, be it caused by death, infidelity, betrayal, etc. Remembering the OW birthday and questioning an addict who is LYING is going to hurt more than heal. You already know he is not trustworthy. So no matter what he says when your head hits that pillow you are still going to wonder "if" he's telling you the truth. Her birthday...who cares? If you do and are inclined to remember it then perhaps the focus is more on the OW than yourself, which is counterproductive to YOUR cause.