transformyself

one year ago today a bunch of really horrible things happened. I've been waiting, dreading january 28 and probably always will. It's the "other womans" birthday. Last year I terrorized her. I couldn't take her calling and texting my AH any longer and gave him an ultimatum. I made my AH write her a letter saying, "I am working on my marriage and will have no further contact with you." and took it to her at work. Told her to keep away from my family. That AH had chosen me and she was to stop texting and calling him. Boy what a prize.

That worked, now didn't it? Took him till March 11 to go see her again. We had fought non stop because I was having major issues, major ones. He lived with her for 4 months! I would cry and he would rage.

There was a work party that I had basically begged him not to go to. He told me he wouldn't. then went to the bar to meet his dad and called me to say he was taking his father over to the work party. I couldn't believe it. Isn't that funny? I begged him not to and he just laughed. There I was, stuck at home with the kids and he went off to party with her.

This went on for so long. To be fair he did, at times, truly help. Truly work to help me over come "my issues" with his affair. Truly worked and wanted to be with me. Have our family be together. But he kept going back.

You know that i left. That's when we met, right about the same time I left him. It's no coincedence.

I've been fighting this feeling that he's with her, talking to her. So I called him tonight and told him that. I gotta go he said.

Then he came over. Drunk. He's been drinking all day. Told me that he was pursuing her again over these last three weeks and she told him she wanted no contact.

I just kept breathing, listening, like I would to a person on the bus. Stayed detached. Told him I have to get back to cleaning the kitchen and putting the kids to bed.

He says he knows it's not healthy, to keep going back to her and this time it's really over. Isn't that funny?

I am staying in my body. I will think about all of this tomorrow, the next day. Figure out what it means to me.

I"m not hysterical. I would be lying to say I don't care but the emotion just isn't there. I'm relieved that once again I am right and he verified it.

Mainly, I just wanted him to go so I could get back to my life with my kids. I'll be careful over the next few days to see how I"m doing but I think I'm ok.

I think I'm better than ok. I think I am relieved and really, really want to move on with my life.

GiveLove

Keep breathing, transformie.

You're doing great.

TakingCharge999

Hi transform, I am dreading the month of April because that is xabf's gf! ugh!!

Don't dread Jan28th, think instead its when your good friend TC999 is planning her bday the 29th

As it is I will work. I got the flu.... ugh.

freefalling

(((( transform)))

You are getting stronger . Thank the OW . The OW in our marriage was more painful for me than the drinking , but I cannot go back after she "happened".

And you will get so strong that you want them to be together that you can have some peace and quiet. Wait and see - you are getting there !!!!!!!!!

Hugs

TakingCharge999

I hope you are feeling better!!!

I agree with freefalling, it saves time!!

Gold

Hope you are okay

wanting

Transform, I am so happy that you've come so far! You're a different person than you were even a few months ago.

LaTeeDa

Okay, I understand this is a big 'anniversary' day and I also understand that you still have contact with him because you share kids. But, this just seems like inviting drama to me. He is your ex, right? You have moved on right? The relationship (other than co-parenting) is over, right?

Then it just DOESN'T MATTER. Him drinking all day doesn't matter. Him being with her, talking to her, pursuing her--doesn't matter. You are NO LONGER in a relationship with him, right?

If you REALLY want to move on with your life, stop inviting him back into it. Stop focusing on what he's doing unless it's related to the children.

Let him go.............

L

TakingCharge999

I read LTD post and I thought about boundaries.. if he was drunk why did you let him in your apartment? or what is gained by him telling you about his romances? I am asking lovingly for future times.

Sometimes with perspective you gain so much strength, for instance I went no contact with ALL coworkers who breathed less than 10 miles away with xabf. One suddenly wants to befriend me and today asked me for coffee... to talk about the other coworkers, xabf and company.... and I thought it was like a pig inviting me to roll again in the mud when I am trying to get clean you know... what's the point??

Anyway I'm with you in your process and it would be glad to hear you happier and serene, :ghug3 I recall you are a succesful writer/journalist and I would like to see you thrive in other aspects of your life. Were you the one working for NY times whose husband wouldn't read her articles? sorry I'm not sure if it was you...

transformyself

Freefalling, you said it perfectly and with few words. I should hang out with you.

LTD I can always count on you to challenge my process. Thank you. On good days I see your wisdom and consider your urging folks to the finish line, and can sort out what's going on with me. On bad days, that urging has an opposite effect and I doubt myself. Feel bad about myself. On those days I think you are living in a fairly black and white world and have a hard time letting folks have the room they need to get where they need to go. But I trust your process as much as I trust mine.

Today is a good day.

I wanted to know if he was talking to her. In a perfect world, in a text book, completly recovered and having moved on with my life world, none of this would have mattered. But it did. It still did. Not as much as it used to, and that's how I know I"m getting better. Nearing that finish line.

And I'm glad I asked him. I'm glad I wasn't hysterical and weeping and shaking like the last time, in November. That was only two months ago! I'll have to sort out what steps I've taken than have created more emotional strength and distance cause I sure like it. I have new skills, I am growing away from him and the drama, despite my still lingering connection to him. I am moving toward that finish line.

My interaction with him last night also gave me validation that my instincts are correct, which eventually I won't need or care about if my current rate of progress is any indication of the future.

I am letting him go. It is a process, a measurable process and one that I'm comfortable with. We are still "in a relationship," and will be for the rest of our lives. We have two children together. What the relationship is will morph and change and grow. We're not romantic, but I'm working out what is now 15 years of patterns, pain and confusion with this man. And it benefits everyone, especially our children.

I was married to another man at 19. We have a son together, who is now 25. I planned to kill that man for years, had it all planned out. I'll tell you about it someday, it was a very good plan.

When our son hit teenager status, and started having very very serious problems, his father and I learned how to put aside our differences and work together. Today, I count him among my good friends.

Will that happen with AH? I have no idea. That's the beauty of being clothed in human skin. We think we know what will happen, but do not and can not. And today, I don't want to. I want to know myself, I want to know my children and I want my life to blossom and change and grow into the most beautiful space I've ever imagined. I want to have unyeilding faith in the Cosmos and my HP that I can make choices that will hurt no one. That will shed light and love. And all that happy hippy crap.

Now. TC--Happy Freaking Birthday by the way!!--TC wants to know why I let him in. He walked in. I panicked. But then I made myself calm down and stratigize. It worked well too.
I understand (all too well) the need for NC. Problem is, for me, being a person with PTSD, that going NC also escalates the perceived "danger" and I don't have skills or ability to function around that person/place/trigger. If it gets bad enough, i can't function if I THINK about that person/place/trigger. Expose = getting over it, in the right circumstances.

I needed to go to yoga in the aftermath of discovering his affair, but the studio is right next door to where he worked with and had his affair with that alcoholic piece of trash. I went, but not without great anxiety. On the way in. Coming out, it was worth it.

Things like that. Expose that paid off slowly marched me towards healing.

That doesn't mean I unneccesarily expose myself, to hurt myself. But it's a delicate balance. Last night was very very sucessful. I stayed calm, I stated my boundaries clearly and kindly and I got him the hell out of there. Now it's over.

Unless his alcoholism escalates into a dangerous state, or when I should say, we will have contact. The kids and I. That might now work for some of you, but it does for us. The kids knew he was drunk. We talked about it. My 8 year old slept in the bed with me, the 12 year old made a funny rats nest on the floor nearby and we had a big sleepover.

I"ve been out of money for their therapy, but can see how it's helped. I'm making it top priority to get them back there, not because they're in a bad place, but before that happens. So they can have the three C's reinforced by someone else other than me.

Jesus this is long. I"m tired of hearing myself talk..

So, TC, yes, I did write for the NYT magazine. Once. I wouldn't call myself succesful because I'm freaking broke, but yes, he never read what I wrote. That, and a million other basic things. He is not the partner for me, a blind deaf and dumb man could see that. I am working to accept, accept, accept.

Today, I am sooo grateful for the strength and calm I feel. Yesterday I was sad, you guys saw that. I was angry for weeks then felt abandoned. Today, I'm glad I got a look at that guy, drunk talking about his alcoholic affair partner throwing him to the curb. It makes me a little sad for him. Unless he sobers up, I can see him becoming more and more pathetic. Such potential, down the drain. But, it's his choice. And, it's not my problem.

wicked

And.....there it is in a nutshell, transform myself.
well said.

LaTeeDa

Hey Transformie,

You do whatever you gotta do. That's all any of us can do. I just hate to see you hurt yourself again and again. Old wounds never heal if you keep picking the scabs off, you know?

My new favorite quote:

"The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation, but your thoughts about it."--Eckhart Tolle

BTW, there is no "finish line." At least not for me. Recovery is a way of life, not just something to "accomplish."

I'm gonna let the "black and white" comment go, cause you have no idea what kind of world I live in. I just share on this board what has worked for me over the past 4-1/2 years. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Peace,
L

Jadmack25

Sometimes we need to do things that seem dumb....eg let a drunk into our home or life, just for a while...to have that experience show us WHY WE WANT TO BE FREE.

This is what you did, and it demonstrated why you sent him packing.

OK, lesson learnt again! Now back to accepting that you did what you did for good reasons, nothing has changed and you want and need to stay out of it, because it hurts and is toxic for you and your kids.

He is drunk, miserable and trying to get you to "make him feel better", but that is his problem, not yours.....so leave him with it and keep working on you and your future without this dollop of poison in it.

God bless

transformyself

Jesus Anvil did you read my post at all?
Nevermind, I don't want to engage with someone who, it appears to me at least, is hell bent on discounting everything I say. Why, just so you can look like you know what's going on with me and I don't?

It is not okay to speak that disrespectfully to me, about me and about my home and life.

And Jadmack, i didn't do anything DUMB TO SHOW MYSELF WHAT I'M MISSING.

I've already explained what happened and you aren't going to get me to mistrust myself.

I'm not in denial, I know myself, know where I've been, where i am and where I'm going. It's like some of you spend your time coming here just so you can belittle folks and try to control them.

transformyself

Now that I remember it, you said the same thing "whats really changed if..." to a situation I posted about awhile back.

Let me ask you, Anvil, what's really changed for you? What's your life like? I don't see you here EVER discussing your own life, or taking small steps of exposing yourself to the rest of us. You only dish out advice. And in this case, you're only disrespectful to me, disregard everything I wrote about, and disregard my own assesment of my experience last night.

Telling me I might as well stab myself in the eye with a fork is not only your interpretation of my experience last night, (and again, it's not reality) but it's pretty freaking arrogant. I know you. I've seen people like you. You tear others down and then retreat under the "I'm just trying to help" banner.

No you're not. Look at LTD, she was kind and thoughtful in her response. You just attacked me, rideculed me and utterly disregarded my own assesment of my life. I'm more than open to discussing, more than open to constructive criticism, but what you're doing isn't that.

Despite me addressing that this is part of my process, despite my illustration that this wasn't painful, isn't painful and is far away from the pain I endured, you refuse to accept my path, and blame me for coming here and honestly detailing my growth.

I think you should take a good hard look at yourself and think twice about speaking to me this way again.

Bernadette

It's like some of you spend your time coming here just so you can belittle folks and try to control them.

Easy does it.

People on this board respond to what is posted.

I mean, don't you expect people to reply and point out the obvious non-recovery and self-harming behaviors they might notice in your posts?

No one on this board is better or worse than anyone else - and we all share our ES&H in the hopes of it striking a chord that another might find is in tune with their understanding and process at the moment.

I mean, if we are posting here then we need help and support, right? And it is a wide-open worldwide internet forum so we have to have some expectation that there will be responses we can use and stuff we leave by the side of the road.

I mean, a LOT of people come on here seeking clarity and self-knowledge, showing humility, and the will to change. It is not easy to see ourselves as others see us, but for some people it is helpful.

peace-
b

transformyself

Yes, I do, and I expect them to do it with the same respect I give them. And almost all of the time I find it helpful, but not always. Ordinarily I would hit ignore, but feel a need to draw a boundary with someone I see as not having my well being in mind. Seriously. You have to concede that there are times when folks aren't acting simply for the well being of others.

Also, unless I have misrepresented what happened last night, it was not an obvious non-recovery and self-harming behavior, but actually was a recovery behavior because I detached and got him out of there as quickly as I could. Respectfully. For myself, for my kids and for him.

I apologize if my anger frightens some, but Anvil has twisted my words and turned my situation into something it is not. I think it's healthy to address that.

Insulated

asking him about the OW and remembering her birthday is kinda like stalking in a sense isn't it? It's maybe a little masochistic? You are finding little sparks of inner peace and confidence in your own life like the fact that you are indeed moving on with your life. Personally, I've endured infidelity, drug addiction, alcoholism and they are ALL deal breakers for me.

Bernadette

I apologize if my anger frightens some

I'm not sensing that anyone is afraid of you!

peace-
b

transformyself

Good.

And Insulated, no, I am not stalking her. just trying to work out the damaging effects of the PTSD.

Those things may be deal breakers for you, but you'll find here that it sometimes takes other folks awhile to sort things out. But that doesn't mean we're stalkers or masochistic.

Wow. Well at least the first posters saw my intention here and offered support. Thanks guys.