My First Post - ABF got DUI
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 35
My First Post - ABF got DUI
Hi Everyone. I've been lurking for at least 2 years and have learned so much from the wise people here. It's fun to watch those who come in as new posters, absorb the wisdom, and two or three months later they're old hands and are passing it on to the newer people. Compared to other self-help boards, you guys are pretty quick on the uptake, particularly about boundaries.
That's what I'm struggling with today. I've been with my ABF for over 5 years. Some of his alcoholic behavior is typical: admits he has a problem but minimizes it, tries to moderate his drinking but that's actually an excuse to sweep it under the rug, hides his drinking, huge alcohol tolerance so often I can't tell when he's drunk. Lives in two worlds, the bar and my house. (We don't live together.) Has other issues like anxiety, adult ADHD, PTSD from abusive parents, that he's in therapy for and is taking medication. Used to be functional but four months ago lost his high paying professional job of 17 years because of anxiety and a heart problem (both of which are partly but not fully caused by his alcohol use).
Other things aren't typical. He's affectionate and loving, no matter what. He doesn't blame me for his problems. He's not abusive in any way. And although he doesn't help me around the house with things the way *I* would like, he does contribute--he's a fabulous cook, takes me out on dates, and we can talk about just about anything, including some pretty difficult topics concerning our relationship and the areas where it's not working. But alcohol has been a bone of contention ever since we got together. He's a six-pack a night guy--seldom more, seldom less, skips a day maybe 1-2 out of every 7. Probably has been doing this since he was 18; I know he's been doing it since we got together. He's 57; I'm 51. We each have our own place and see each other 2-3 nights a week.
I learned here how to step back and have boundaries, and to stop trying to stop him from drinking. In a way, though, my boundaries have made things worse. They've allowed me to coast along in this very comfy relationship where I'm getting some but not all of the things I need. Boundaries have allowed me to ignore the big red flags that I've known all along were there, and they've allowed him to maintain his bar life while pacifying me so I never go beyond annoyance at him.
All that changed two days ago. We had just finished our first joint counseling with his therapist, whom I like very much. He went out that night, got stopped, and blew a 1.4. I knew as soon as I didn't hear from him that night that it had happened. He called and told me this morning. A lot more was said, fortunately not much drama. The event itself is more than drama enough.
About me: I'm going through personal bankruptcy and am trying to change careers to something I can be happy doing the rest of my life. I want to get my body back in shape (I used to be an outdoor athlete; work and the slow drain of being in a relationship with an ABF who abuses his body has worn that away). I still have other friends but I'm not as close to them as I used to be. I'm under a lot of stress right now and want to set boundaries that keep the stress to a minimum.
I told him on the phone that I'd let him know tonight whether I wanted to see him. I reminded him that I said one time that if he ever got picked up, it was over between us. I used to be sure I would follow through, but I'm so worn out right now that I'm not exactly sure what I would or wouldn't do. And I know I don't have to decide right away. I've asked him what HE intends to do about his alcoholism, but seeing as he just got out of jail 24 hours ago, I can understand that he might not know yet.
I'm gonna go for a long walk this afternoon. Here in the Midwest it's bitterly cold but sunny, the kind of gorgeous day that used to make want to put on my skis, a backpack, and head into the woods for the day. After that I'm going to see what you lovely people here have to say about this, and then I'm going to call a friend. Thank you for being here.
That's what I'm struggling with today. I've been with my ABF for over 5 years. Some of his alcoholic behavior is typical: admits he has a problem but minimizes it, tries to moderate his drinking but that's actually an excuse to sweep it under the rug, hides his drinking, huge alcohol tolerance so often I can't tell when he's drunk. Lives in two worlds, the bar and my house. (We don't live together.) Has other issues like anxiety, adult ADHD, PTSD from abusive parents, that he's in therapy for and is taking medication. Used to be functional but four months ago lost his high paying professional job of 17 years because of anxiety and a heart problem (both of which are partly but not fully caused by his alcohol use).
Other things aren't typical. He's affectionate and loving, no matter what. He doesn't blame me for his problems. He's not abusive in any way. And although he doesn't help me around the house with things the way *I* would like, he does contribute--he's a fabulous cook, takes me out on dates, and we can talk about just about anything, including some pretty difficult topics concerning our relationship and the areas where it's not working. But alcohol has been a bone of contention ever since we got together. He's a six-pack a night guy--seldom more, seldom less, skips a day maybe 1-2 out of every 7. Probably has been doing this since he was 18; I know he's been doing it since we got together. He's 57; I'm 51. We each have our own place and see each other 2-3 nights a week.
I learned here how to step back and have boundaries, and to stop trying to stop him from drinking. In a way, though, my boundaries have made things worse. They've allowed me to coast along in this very comfy relationship where I'm getting some but not all of the things I need. Boundaries have allowed me to ignore the big red flags that I've known all along were there, and they've allowed him to maintain his bar life while pacifying me so I never go beyond annoyance at him.
All that changed two days ago. We had just finished our first joint counseling with his therapist, whom I like very much. He went out that night, got stopped, and blew a 1.4. I knew as soon as I didn't hear from him that night that it had happened. He called and told me this morning. A lot more was said, fortunately not much drama. The event itself is more than drama enough.
About me: I'm going through personal bankruptcy and am trying to change careers to something I can be happy doing the rest of my life. I want to get my body back in shape (I used to be an outdoor athlete; work and the slow drain of being in a relationship with an ABF who abuses his body has worn that away). I still have other friends but I'm not as close to them as I used to be. I'm under a lot of stress right now and want to set boundaries that keep the stress to a minimum.
I told him on the phone that I'd let him know tonight whether I wanted to see him. I reminded him that I said one time that if he ever got picked up, it was over between us. I used to be sure I would follow through, but I'm so worn out right now that I'm not exactly sure what I would or wouldn't do. And I know I don't have to decide right away. I've asked him what HE intends to do about his alcoholism, but seeing as he just got out of jail 24 hours ago, I can understand that he might not know yet.
I'm gonna go for a long walk this afternoon. Here in the Midwest it's bitterly cold but sunny, the kind of gorgeous day that used to make want to put on my skis, a backpack, and head into the woods for the day. After that I'm going to see what you lovely people here have to say about this, and then I'm going to call a friend. Thank you for being here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 129
Hi lc2846,
It sounds like you've really analyzed this in a truthful, soul searching manner and that you are taking the right steps. Though your ABF sounds "mild", it also sounds like that justification is being applied to the "level" of his problem. He cooks, he isn't mean, etc. You are aware it is a problem, yet you seem in denial as well.
It also sounds like you are trying to control things: "I learned here how to step back and have boundaries, and to stop trying to stop him from drinking". One of the three "C's" is you can't CONTROL it. Oh how most of us know you can't, you just can't. Deflection is one thing, but the problem will still come back and hit you in the head.
You seem to be coming to a crux of what you want to do next. You will figure it out, but taking care of yourself first is the most important thing you need to do next. Similar to you, I was an athlete at one time and let myself go a bit over the years, but I've started to exercise and take care of my health since my AS last near death experience in November and it has helped so much. Take it to another level, whether it is the walks with nature (I live in MW too, very cold out there). I even bought the Wii Fit a couple of weeks ago, that thing rocks for working off the stress.
Take care and have faith, believe in yourself, and keep visiting this site. I go in streaks when I have time to post or need to write to get something off my mind, but I always try to read and stay in touch, the support of this community is so helpful!
It sounds like you've really analyzed this in a truthful, soul searching manner and that you are taking the right steps. Though your ABF sounds "mild", it also sounds like that justification is being applied to the "level" of his problem. He cooks, he isn't mean, etc. You are aware it is a problem, yet you seem in denial as well.
It also sounds like you are trying to control things: "I learned here how to step back and have boundaries, and to stop trying to stop him from drinking". One of the three "C's" is you can't CONTROL it. Oh how most of us know you can't, you just can't. Deflection is one thing, but the problem will still come back and hit you in the head.
You seem to be coming to a crux of what you want to do next. You will figure it out, but taking care of yourself first is the most important thing you need to do next. Similar to you, I was an athlete at one time and let myself go a bit over the years, but I've started to exercise and take care of my health since my AS last near death experience in November and it has helped so much. Take it to another level, whether it is the walks with nature (I live in MW too, very cold out there). I even bought the Wii Fit a couple of weeks ago, that thing rocks for working off the stress.
Take care and have faith, believe in yourself, and keep visiting this site. I go in streaks when I have time to post or need to write to get something off my mind, but I always try to read and stay in touch, the support of this community is so helpful!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Ic2846-
Welcome!
Here in the Midwest it's bitterly cold but sunny, the kind of gorgeous day that used to make want to put on my skis, a backpack, and head into the woods for the day.
That sounds like a very good plan! I love snowy woods, such a great quiet place for meditation and peace!
If you've been reading around here a while then you know the 3 c's -
didn't Cause it
can't Control it
can't Cure it!
Stick around and choose to do something nice like that for yourself this weekend. His disaster is just that: his. You are free in this moment!
peace-
b
Welcome!
Here in the Midwest it's bitterly cold but sunny, the kind of gorgeous day that used to make want to put on my skis, a backpack, and head into the woods for the day.
That sounds like a very good plan! I love snowy woods, such a great quiet place for meditation and peace!
If you've been reading around here a while then you know the 3 c's -
didn't Cause it
can't Control it
can't Cure it!
Stick around and choose to do something nice like that for yourself this weekend. His disaster is just that: his. You are free in this moment!
peace-
b
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Well, if you have been lurking, you know I am there with you in loving the outdoors!!
Your hubby sounds a lot like mine. Really great, except...
Dang it all if they would JUST be really great!
It sounds like you have a relationship that works in many ways...
You said if he ever got a DUI it would be over.
It is getting caught at doing something that has been going on all along...so what is different now?
Is it the public humiliation?
Is it the public acknowldegment?
The hassle?
Is it pushing you to look at something that is a bigger deal than you have given it credit?
I think figuring this out is very important here.
What is it that you want/need or don't want/need in your life?
Figure THAT out and he will be a piece of cake.
Pick up that pack and come along! The trail looks fine!
wife
Your hubby sounds a lot like mine. Really great, except...
Dang it all if they would JUST be really great!
It sounds like you have a relationship that works in many ways...
You said if he ever got a DUI it would be over.
Why?
Does that change things? In what way?It is getting caught at doing something that has been going on all along...so what is different now?
Is it the public humiliation?
Is it the public acknowldegment?
The hassle?
Is it pushing you to look at something that is a bigger deal than you have given it credit?
I think figuring this out is very important here.
What is it that you want/need or don't want/need in your life?
Figure THAT out and he will be a piece of cake.
Pick up that pack and come along! The trail looks fine!
wife
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 53
Dear IC..... I only wanted to say that it's interesting that you mention boundaries allowing you to *coast* and kind of ignore the problem. I feel the same way about boundaries. Boundaries have made it easy for me to ignore the real issue. I told my boyfriend that I wouldn't ever be around him if he had more than 6 beers and whenever he does happen to drink at home, he always stays below 6. Maybe I made the wrong boundary, but I made that boundary back when I just thought he was a heavy drinker, and didn't realize that the extent went to addiciton.
Unfortunately in the meantime, he cut back so much that I did believe he wasn't addicted, and then... that led me to break my boundaries, because I *THOUGHT* I found out that he didn't really have an addiction, just that he had been drinking heavily, but got it under control.
Ugh.
Unfortunately in the meantime, he cut back so much that I did believe he wasn't addicted, and then... that led me to break my boundaries, because I *THOUGHT* I found out that he didn't really have an addiction, just that he had been drinking heavily, but got it under control.
Ugh.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 35
Originally Posted by Bernadette 
His disaster is just that: his. You are free in this moment!
It also sounds like you are trying to control things: "I learned here how to step back and have boundaries, and to stop trying to stop him from drinking". One of the three "C's" is you can't CONTROL it. Oh how most of us know you can't, you just can't. Deflection is one thing, but the problem will still come back and hit you in the head.
You said if he ever got a DUI it would be over. Why?
Does that change things? In what way?
It is getting caught at doing something that has been going on all along...so what is different now?
Is it the public humiliation?
Is it the public acknowldegment?
The hassle?
Is it pushing you to look at something that is a bigger deal than you have given it credit?
Does that change things? In what way?
It is getting caught at doing something that has been going on all along...so what is different now?
Is it the public humiliation?
Is it the public acknowldegment?
The hassle?
Is it pushing you to look at something that is a bigger deal than you have given it credit?
I did go for that walk. Put on my sh*tstomper boots, pepper spray in pocket, and found the horse trails at the park near my house. Not a soul there. The dry grass made little whispery sounds in the cold. Something wonderful happened. I took off down one of the trails without a map, and when I got to where another trail crossed, I wasn't sure which way I should go. Started off and immediately knew I was going the wrong way. Then I looked down and saw my own bootprints coming from the opposite direction! "I know the way," I thought. "I've been here before."
On the way back to my car, I imagined what Coyote described a few days ago in another thread: I put my ABF in HP's hands and imagined them gently folding around him. At home I had a long talk with a friend who has also struggled with her alcoholism and has wonderful insights.
Then I talked to him. It was hard, but I told him I want an initial no contact period of 2 weeks, and that I might need longer than that. I said I need to see proof that he's serious about getting clean and sober. There's more, but I've rambled enough.
It felt like the right thing to do--for me--but it sure sucks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 35
Isitme--all the time I spent here on this board with all of you prepared me for this day. Without you I'd have a much harder time and would probably still be enmeshed. (And I'll probably go through phases of more enmeshment before it all gets sorted out.)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
The dry grass made little whispery sounds in the cold. Something wonderful happened. I took off down one of the trails without a map, and when I got to where another trail crossed, I wasn't sure which way I should go. Started off and immediately knew I was going the wrong way. Then I looked down and saw my own bootprints coming from the opposite direction! "I know the way," I thought. "I've been here before."
This is so beautiful. Thank you for this.
peace-
b
This is so beautiful. Thank you for this.
peace-
b
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by anvilhead
brilliant minds and all that!
The moon is fantastic here in Michigan tonight, and I am going to a park tomorrow with my big boots on and enjoy the silence.
Thank you lc2846.:ghug3
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