Ives

I actually phoned the doctor and they said there is little they can do. They have spoken to her, and now she's been called in by her social worker. It hopefully will scare her because her son could easily be taken away from her, and she fears that the most as she herself does not have custody of him, he is 'allowed' to stay with her given certain conditions are met. He is doing poorly in school and as I understand it they are threatening to kick him out if her doesn't pull up his socks, which I honestly cannot see happening. He has dug a huge hole for himself. I think now that her parents know about this too, that she realises her hold is tenuous. Of course, that's no guarantee that she'll behave.

Of course, now she is accusing me of abandoning a pregnant woman.......but what else choice do I have, she's driving me mad.

I mean, any boundary or request that she cut back on her drinking has been met with denial, blame and aggressive behaviour, not to mention lies. I can't see how I can get my message across that this is unacceptable behaviour aside from this.

Lilyflower

Compassion does not equal rescuing. I believe that was the flaw and why you ended up in pain again.

You cannot change a person. They can only change themselves.

You sound quite angry toward her at this time, but Ives, she is only acting as an Addict acts, I suspect your anger is based within your hurt that she did not live up to your expectations and blossom into recovery when you 'got her into rehab'.

This is the crux - our feelings very much come from ourselves. Another person cannot put them inside us.

Once I stopped expecting everyone to act the way I would, do what I thought they should do and FULLY accepted them for who they ARE, in the moment, warts and all; I was in a position to make decisions based upon my highest good - minus the anger and hurt.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ives

I really need to work on this, thanks Lily. Because like it or not, I have to deal with this person.

Lilyflower

Perhaps you can try to forgive her of her faults, she is only human as we all are and there before the grace of HP go I; it could so easily have been me in that position, that lost, that much in pain.

It is a simple thing as a turn in the road that leave one down one street and another down another.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxx

nodaybut2day

Ives, I just wanted to say that you're doing good. You're here regularly, you're reflecting, you're focusing on yourself and trying to find the right path for yourself and your baby girl. Wonderful.

transformyself

Haven't read through the other responses here Ives so I apologize if this is a repeat, but your title doesn't sound accurate to me, in all the posts I've read lately from you, you seem quite resentful and vindictive. At times, like a bomb about to go off.

I've been known to behave that way as well. It's a real struggle, actually. The only way out for me was stop obsessing and let go.

Ives

You're right. In fact 100% spot on. I do have OCD issues at times.

transformyself

Sorry, what is OCD? My sister uses that term for herself, when I only see her a accomplished and organized.

GiveLove

OCD = Obsessive compulsive disorder.

Medically, not a good thing. See the tv show "Monk."

But many people use it to describe obsessive-compulsive tendencies, which can range from the chronically organized like your sister, to the people who can't stop themselves from checking the locks on the doors, or in Ives' case, obsessing about his XAGF even though she only makes him angry and miserable.

Ives, can you take a break from thinking/acting/writing about her for a day? Can you force yourself to take a day off, and see how that feels?

Ives

Will do, give love. My mother also keeps talking about it and obsessing with me about it. I need to get her to stop talking about it as well, because she sometimes drives this behaviour in me.

transformyself

Givelove and her usual brilliance has it right again. I tried for years to figure out my AH's behavior, but it wasn't until I had no contact for a good long while--and that included in my brain as well--that I was able to experience freedom.

It's like that Chinese finger thing. The more you struggle, the more difficult it is to get out of it.

And about the OCD thing, your explanation makes sense. My sister is totally organized and seems annoyed by her need to be. I just see it as a beautiful thing, but that's because the only thing I can organize are words and thoughts. My stuff is a different story.. unorganized as hell..