SadButHopeful

I'm apparantly spending too much time trying to be a good parent and sort my life out. He's annoyed bc yesterday, not only did I go to a meeting, but I was online and reading spiritual books for the entire day and focussing too much on this issue, and becoming obsessed.

The thing is, I wasn't focusing on HIM, I'm trying to figure out a way out of my misery and how to best help my kids. Yeah, I admit, I am obsessed with being a good mother.

He also wants to control who I talk to about our problems. He actually dictated to me who to speak to, and who not to, in particular, my mother.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

It is just him quacking. He is sensing the change in you and it is very uncomfortable for him. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and try to ignore the quacking. Change is good. It took me a long time to figure out that, although change is difficult and hurts, it is necessay and in the long run is going to be good for me.

Take Care of yourself and the kids. You are worth it and so are they.

Still Waters

Keep doing what you're doing...

Stereosteveo

What's the old saying?:
Misery loves company....?

Pelican

“If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? And if I am only for myself, then what am I? And if not now, when?” Rabbi Hillel

You are taking steps to take care of yourself.
You are taking steps to take care of your children.
You are starting your recovery journey one day at a time.
And you are letting the other adult in your relationship take care of himself.

Sounds healthy to me.

ItsmeAlice

I agree with jackrussellgirl

When I began my recovery journey a year ago and started baby stepping my way to turning the focus on me and regaining my independent life, my XABF reacted in much the same way. He was overly nice, then bitterly critical, then angry, then nice again. He seemed to ping-pong around with his behavior. I had to learn that this is expected.

I learned alcohol addiction, especially over time, is very sensitive to its support system's behavior. It has to be. If the support pulls away in any direction the alcoholic has to correct that to keep their addiction alive.

After 10+ years my XABF could sense the slightest disapproval by me and would respond even if it all occurred on a subconcious level.

My seeking recovery was an entirely new response by me. I had never practiced boundaries only ultimatums that I didn't follow through with. I had never detached with compassion before only walked away and punished him with silence. I had never focused on my behavior as being part of our relationship falling apart only what I found to be his faulty choices. So XABF was seriously confused. He new something was entirely different with me and he was scrambling to do all the old maneyvers that brought things around. Like a puppy trying every trick they've been taught all at the same time to get a cookie.

I stayed my course and kept babystepping. I had slipups and backslides along the way but my forward momentum got me thru them. In time, he figured out that all the old fan dances weren't going to work.

He was left with one choice. Seek recovery or dive in deeper. I'm sure he suspected giving in and falling deeper into alcohol would mean I'd leave, which is probably why he put up a lot less fight then I thought he would when he got laid off, started getting drunk daily, and I left.

You hang in there and keep working on you. He'll probably continue scrambling and quacking because of it, that's expected. Try to have compassion for him, your recovery is going to be hard for him to accept.

Alice

Ives

Mine is doing this about face as well.

Last month I was trying to 'control her too much'. So I withdrew and started working on myself. Now I don't see her enough and I'm not there for her.

Nothing satisfies them it seems.

GiveLove

Ah, yes, the "you're doing too many things that make me feel threatened" complaints. I know all about those. When it looked as though I could possibly be an autonomous mind, with my own thoughts and feelings and needs, that was immensely threatening at first.

Keep doing what you're doing, sad. A good statement to remember is "I love you, but I need to do this for myself right now." End of discussion.

And I hope you'll never let him dictate who you do and don't get to talk to. That's just a controlling attitude that will grow if you give it an inch.

Small steps!

BuffaloGal

Yeah, let him worry. My ex ah is now snippy and irritated with me because I'm taking his child to alateen-- heaven forbid that she should learn some healthy tools to cope with his drinking. (In fairness, he doesn't portray his choices or his home life as normal to her. But, she's still learning the fine art of enabling at his house like a good little coa.)

Oh yeah, he's mad about me taking her to church, too. Never mind that he suggested it years ago, and he never bothered to ask me if the one I picked is in line with the values we used to share or not. No matter what I do, it's going to be the wrong thing, so I might as well just go ahead and do what I like!

LaTeeDa

You are doing what's right for you. When he spends his time drinking, does your opinion of it matter? I'm guessing it doesn't. I remember feeling such relief when I finally decided to let him do whatever he was going to do and started doing what I needed to do for myself. You're on the right track.

L

jcfollower

I definitely echo the sentiments of everyone else. You're on the right path: when I was in counseling for a verbally and emotionally abuse marriage, my exACOA stopped going, saying I was the one with the problem, not him! (He has since become alcoholic himself) My counselor wisely explained that in a relationship, even if one person refuses to change, the other can bring about change through working on themselves. Doesn't guarantee a happy ending...sometimes it forces the other person's hand and they decide to leave, as was the case with my ex, but at least I was growing and becoming stronger! Keep up the good (hard) work...it is so worth it, and your kids deserve it, too! I am sure you are a wonderful mom.

Jadmack25

I liked the message here, as it keeps me on track....FOR ME.

God bless

SadButHopeful

Thanks so much for your support everyone! It's such a blessing to come
here

barb dwyer

They all do that, I think.
It's the proof that they know ... they've done something... worth hiding.

Live

I believe that anyone who does or tries to control where you go, what you do, whom you talk to, what you say to them, and berating you is abusive.
I strongly suggest you make a phone call to your local dv folks for a free consultation.
It's very eye-opening.

nodaybut2day

Yep, just keep on keeping on.

Mine also demanded that I *not* speak to my parents about our relationship, "because it's private". After some probing, I found that I could not speak with my parents, with my friends or acquaintances, or my social worker. So that let, what, the strangers on the subway and the window washer at the street corner?

The image that pops in my head when I think of someone making steps to focus on themselves, is of someone lifting the lid on a mouldy box. When light hits the inside, the cockroaches scurry about madly, trying desperately to get back into the darkness where it's safe (and miserable).

Yes, I'm feeling rather resentful today

Get out of the darkness Sad. You're on the right path!

SheCanRun

Mine too. Wanted to have a full inventory of who I had told. Went down the list of every friend, family member, coworker etc. until he felt he was satisfied and had a complete list. Then gave me hell for discussing the business of our "private" relationship. Was angry that I had called him an alcoholic. Was very angry that I had attended a few Al Anon mtgs. We live in a small town after all... what would people think if it gets out? What if it affected his business. How dare I?

I have not been back to Al Anon since, am working up the nerve to tell him I want to go and that he will have to watch the kids. Wish me luck on that one.

nodaybut2day

Just a suggestion SheCanRun (sorry for the hijack Sadbuthopeful!), perhaps you could hire a babysitter (or take the kids to a relative) and get organized to go to Al-Anon without his say or approval. This way, whatever his reaction, the kids are taken care of and you factor him completely out of the equation.

transformyself

Just wanted to reiterate Giveloves wise words here
because in my marriage, after my AH affair, I was so afraid he would leave me again and go back to his nasty bimbo, that I allowed him to verbally abuse me. That had never happenned, never. It didn't take long for it to escalate. The tipping point came when I was crying, as usual, because he wouldn't stop talking to his affair partner, and he came in the room with balled up fists and told me he would kill me if I didn't stop crying.

When I called the domestic violence hotline the next morning and asked, "how did this happen to me? Normally I"m so strong." the angel on the other end said, "somewhere along the line you lost your boundary."

so true. I spent a few days reflecting on how and when I lost my boundaries. I was in a state of terror. I shook, I cried uncontrollably. If you know me, you'd know this was in no way who I am, who I have always been though out my 40 years.

I announced to him if he so much as raised an eyebrow to me I would walk into the street outside our house and call the police and have him removed.

It took awhile for him to believe me. If he raised his voice, I stood up and said, "get away from me. Now." I put those boundaries back in place.

Now. My AH has never been one of those scary abusive guys who try to control every move their partner does. But with the breakdown of those little boundaries, the madness of alcoholism crept into a place where I allowed him to be verbally abusive. I put them back into place all right. But it was a trip to ugly I will never revisit.

True story.

Cowgirl1265

Interesting, I thought that too, Live.

I'm currently reading a book entitled "A Peace of My Mind." Its about dealing with anger, which I find I have an issue with and need to address. The couple that wrote it have been running an anger management course for domestic violence offenders for years. They write about the different kinds of abuse, and they quote Mahatma Ghandi:

"Any attempt to impose your will on another is an act of violence."

(Now, I also recognize that this quote applies to my old behavior in attempting to control my STBX's behaviors, and also to recent behavior in attempting to control my children's behaviors rather than allow them to have consequences for their choices...but that's for a separate post.)

In their chapter on How Anger Hurts, they address isolation. Isolating behaviors can be really subtle.

Trying to tell you who you may or may not give information to is an attempt to control and isolate you. I don't know your husband at all so I don't know how concerned you should be by this.