Ives

My mother asked me yesterday if I loved my AGF.....

I am somewhat surprised to say this, but I don't. Her behaviour has driven any and all romantic feelings that I had for her out of me COMPLETELY.

I don't live with her, and never want to.

I have come to the conclusion that this person simply is broken beyond repair. A liar, a thief, a user, irresponsible, lazy bs artist who treats her parents and everyone else like crap. Oh, and she's an alkie and former drug addict.

I ask myself, why did I get together with this loser?

Well, I've been friends with her for many years, didn't see her for 5 or 6, and thought she was being genuine when she said she was in trouble and wanted help. She was never this bad before.

But the disease is progressive.

I honestly think she has damaged her mind with drugs and alcohol.

I see no hope for this person. In her late 30s.....she will never, ever change.

And I would be stupid to hang around and wait for her.

There are so many other women out there who have something to offer. I meet them all the time, and some of them take an interest in me too.

Why wait around for this loser?

How could I love someone who treats me and everyone else like complete and utter crap?

coyote21

That sir, is the $64,000 question. I myself have always been a rescuer. Ahhhh, damsels in distress. Gotta love 'em!

I'm examining that within myself which causes me to seek out damaged damsels.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

dothi

Hi Ives, there's no shame in acknowledging that she was once an attractive woman with much potential for herself and her relationship with you. But you've nailed the truth on the head:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ives

But the disease is progressive.

Addiction is ruthless this way because it slowly steals people from us. And all that means is it's easy to get "trapped" in a relationship with an addict when you start out not knowing how serious their condition is. Worse yet, you have to find a place like this, buried away in the internet, to even find support for your specific concerns.

You're emotionally withdrawing from an unhealthy person - a very healthy thing that, as you can see by the many posts here, other people struggle to do. You also see you have options. Please keep us posted, as we are wishing the best for you and your baby.

naive

hi ives-

in life's disappointments, be careful not to numb part of your heart.

understood that you no longer see her as a romantic partner; however, she is a human being in great suffering. self-induced, yes, but one worthy of your compassion.

if we crystallize our heart, we will love again, but never with all of our heart.
and we will cry again, but never again with all of our tears

be careful not to numb your heart and to let indifference or hatred take root.

naive

Forever4you

[QUOTE=Ives;2488054]My mother asked me yesterday if I loved my AGF.....

I am somewhat surprised to say this, but I don't. Her behaviour has driven any and all romantic feelings that I had for her out of me COMPLETELY.

IMHO this is a BLESSING for you! If those feelings are gone you are way ahead of so many of us who still love, desire, crave, and long for that other person. If you have been able to let those feelings go completely as you say then you have taken a very healthy step on YOUR journey to recovery.

Keep moving forward with your life in a new and healthy, happy way. You have put her behind you. As you find more and more of yourself you will be ready for a healthy relationship with someone new when the time is right. And your child will be blessed for it as well.

IM1IN10

You deserve to be happy and be with someone who can give back what you put into it.

You are with her because you saw hope and thought she could change. If she does...it will be in HER own time.

In the meantime...give yourself a chance to love again.

isurvived

Be glad she's not your WIFE! You can walk away, and not get taken to the cleaners — or have to worry about child custody issues.

There are many "fish in the sea", and plenty of them who are NOT druggies or alcoholics.

You've got all that fun ahead of you, what are you waiting for?!!!! Better luck this time. :-)

barb dwyer

Just because of this flaw in my character
that *has* to believe in an 'ultimate good' ...

I can't say that anyone is damaged beyond repair.

But I CAN say... someone is more messed up than *I* can do anything good with.

husbandofacoa

Sounds like you figured out what it took me years to grasp. I am glad that you aren't going to waste you life being in this kind of mess.

Good luck and congratulations.

barb dwyer

sweetie - if that's to me -

I'm a four-=tour veteran of this stuff.

Married the same personality... in four different skins.

And I don't know for sure that I've learned anything.. LOL!

But when I get to that place where I either don't WANT to believe
someonecan get better
if somebody/something better/bigger/meaner/ more powerful than me comes along....
or maybe even I don't want them to get better period....

in my twisted little head -

that also means there's a part of me
that could potentially
WANT them to continue to suffer.
And I might even be temped to help that suffering along, you know?
I mean who DOESN"T deserve a bit of revenge now and then?

And that - to me
is ... low.

An IMproper use of living-ness.

Trust me -
there's been those
that I'd have HELPED to their 'great reward'
if only I'd had the nerve.

Luckily -
I wasn't granted that kind of mentality.

I'd be up to my knees in condemnable personage.


It makes me a larger person,
a greater being
to wish for them
to attract the teacher....
that will implement the learning
I wasn't able to do.

"May you have all in life you've worked so hard for."

is a double edged sword, but Karma-free.

Ives

Even if she gets past her addiction issues, she's still lazy and spoiled with a massive entitlement complex who uses people and isn't honest about anything. She has obviously been like this most of her life because she's in her 30's and has accomplished nothing.

barb dwyer

Congratulate yourself for graduating out of her class, then.

barb dwyer

sorry- you probably don't necessarily want a pollyanna.

Time helps.

Ives

Not at all. Thanks.

The problem is that I do pity her though. I mean, she is the mother of my child, and therefore I don't want to see her do badly, but really, I've tried to help her for a year and nothing much changes.

Not to mention, who wants to get abused their whole life? If I stayed with her, I would be blamed for everything, pay for everything......and have my self esteem completely annihilated in order for her to continue not taking responsibility for anything ever.

Tally

Beautifully put, thank you for the reminder.

Ives

It's going to take some more healing for me to feel compassion for her again - I did that one, a year ago, when I rescued her and got her into rehab - and look what that's gotten me? Nothing but grief.

I figure I'm going to get crap from this person no matter what I do, so I may as well not enter a relationship with her and retain my sanity.

Learn2Live

I agree, alcoholics and addicts do NOT make good romantic partners. Go to al-anon, search within yourself, examine your family of origin, read CoDependent No More, focus on who you are and what you want out of life, and move on. Glad you have emotionally detached from this person. Now let go and let God.

littlefish

I hope you find a place in your heart to hope that one day she will change. She might change, and I hope she does. If she sobers up, follows a program and starts to work on improving herself, if will be a lot easier for you to deal with her as the mother of your child.

If she follows the AA program, just using one example, and works the 12 steps, she will have to consciously change all these character defects: in her quest to be a better person.
I hope you consider al-anon if it turns out that she will be present in her child's future.

Seren

Oh....methinks you feel something, and that something is anger. I certainly don't blame you, and the upshot is that it can motivate you to focus on yourself and the child to come!

Take good care of yourself and love that beautiful child on the way!

Hugs, HG

naive

just a thought, ives. just because she is now being monitored for alcohol and/or drugs doesn't actually mean that she will stop using them. i've seen addicts keep using even there are checkpoints in place. they are addicts, afterall.

i wonder what her doctor will do if one of the tests come back positive. might be a good question to ask.