Success stories in all their strange shapes
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Success stories in all their strange shapes
Reading naive's check-in story this weekend really made me think (thanks naive). I can't stop thinking about how I was when I first found SR, and what's changed since then. Since not many people here know my story, I thought I'd put it down on paper for me and for them.
First, you should know that I had a "previous life" on SR, then went away for quite a while, and (having moved and forgotten my previous persona) reincarnated as GiveLove
So much of my tale of woe is buried under an ID that I can't even remember, but that's okay.
In the early days of my recovery, I defined myself differently. At that point, I walked through life in a fog of fear and stress, feeling very alone in this world. I:
--Had lost my mom at 8
--Had grown up with addicted, neglectful, abusive parents/step-parents
--Had been sexually assaulted numerous times when very young
--Had been through a string of long-term codependent/abusive relationships with addicts/alcoholics
--Had lost my beloved sister to suicide, a decision taken as a result of her not being able to quit heroin and booze
--Was about to lose my other sister, and probably my brother, to alcohol and drugs
When I first found SR, I was still involved with an alcoholic who was controlling, who stole from me, lied to me, was serially unfaithful (with men, women, and boys) and whom I just couldn't figure out how to leave. I knew he was the "love of my life" and "my soulmate" and a lot of other romantic stories I really believed with all my heart, swearing-on-a-stack-of-bibles were true.
So I stayed, and tried so hard to prove to him that I was the kind of woman who was worth changing for. If only I could just do the right things, say the right things, I thought he would some day have a made-for-TV-movie moment, look at me with tears in his eyes, and realize that I was worth stopping all of these things and then we could finally be happy.
The longer I stayed, the more it became clear -- to me, then -- that I wasn't worth it. I wasn't beautiful, I wasn't strong, I wasn't enough, I wasn't worth changing for. The lies kept coming. The midnight phone calls. The alcoholic chaos. My self-esteem shrunk down to just a tiny shriveled seed. I "knew" I would never find happiness with anyone else, so I just trudged along with blinders on, hoping some magical thing would happen some day to make it all better.
I finally was sent to a counselor by my then-boss, who was worried I might take my own life. For the first time, I heard someone else say, "Nope, sorry, but that thinking is wrong. You're a good person and you're fine. He's the one who's got a terrible problem. And you don't have to live like this if you don't want to." What seems like fifty sessions later, I finally started to believe him, just a tiny bit
I found SR as part of that therapy, and started reading other peoples' stories about how they came to realize they could be happy even though alcohol was trashing their lives. One day someone said to me, "Your life is bigger than this," and it made me shiver. What did that MEAN, exactly? I started reading self-help books...found Al-Anon...journaled...and slowly, slowly, something started to happen.
Sure, I stayed for a while after that. I thought "Maybe the New Me will be able to figure this out." I tried my best, we went to couples therapy, went away together. The day we got back, he started drinking heavily again. One rainy day I just sat in bed alone and knew that my best was never going to solve this: His addiction was his addiction, and his personality wasn't going to change. It was me that had to change if I didn't want to dread waking up for the rest of my life.
I was scared to death.
The breakup was ugly and frightening. Things were broken, suicide threats made, stalking, my phone tapped, my email broken into, showing up when I was trying to get my mail or grocery shop or see a concert...I had to get an attorney because he threatened to go to court to get half my assets (even though we weren't married, we had been together for several years). It was very hard for a short time, then it got gradually easier as days went on.
But this is me today: Through all of that - developing strength, doing counseling, Al-Anon, SR, reading, journaling, and growing myself as a person, I found out who I was. What I loved. What I wanted to do with the handful of decades I have to enjoy here on Earth. What I wanted my days to look like. What I was willing to tolerate, and how to walk away from abuse.
I had always needed to be in a relationship to feel right, so it was startling to realize one day that I would rather be alone - and spend my days exploring, and trying fun things, and treating myself well - than to be "with someone" whose actions were making me unhappy.
I went back to college (I'm in my 40's), started writing, made new friends and a new life. I eventually met a man who wasn't codependent, wasn't chemically dependent, and after really thinking about it, decided to agree to marry him. But more important than that is the fact that even if I hadn't, I would still have had a great life because I had finally learned how to put me first....that the world needs all of us to be 100% because we all have our gifts to offer. That I was indeed worthy.
Over the years, various SR people taught me the three C's of alcoholism (and really? of everything that's out of my hands): I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't control it. They taught me how to say "no" when I meant no, how to take good care of myself even when I didn't feel worthy of care, when to fight and when to let go, and how to take a deep breath and detach when I needed to. I learned just as much from sharing my ES&H with other people as I did from getting it from others.....it's almost like, I learned I'm part of a big community of Life. There's something I'm supposed to do while I'm alive, and it's not picking up the pieces of an alcoholic.
Thanks, everybody who was there for me, and everybody who steps up to help someone else who comes here numb or sad or full of despair. Some people - like me - had never felt anyone truly cared about them, and so I can tell you this as a fact: Small acts or statements of kindness can alter the course of an entire life.
Big hugs and gratitude to everybody :ghug3
First, you should know that I had a "previous life" on SR, then went away for quite a while, and (having moved and forgotten my previous persona) reincarnated as GiveLove
So much of my tale of woe is buried under an ID that I can't even remember, but that's okay.In the early days of my recovery, I defined myself differently. At that point, I walked through life in a fog of fear and stress, feeling very alone in this world. I:
--Had lost my mom at 8
--Had grown up with addicted, neglectful, abusive parents/step-parents
--Had been sexually assaulted numerous times when very young
--Had been through a string of long-term codependent/abusive relationships with addicts/alcoholics
--Had lost my beloved sister to suicide, a decision taken as a result of her not being able to quit heroin and booze
--Was about to lose my other sister, and probably my brother, to alcohol and drugs
When I first found SR, I was still involved with an alcoholic who was controlling, who stole from me, lied to me, was serially unfaithful (with men, women, and boys) and whom I just couldn't figure out how to leave. I knew he was the "love of my life" and "my soulmate" and a lot of other romantic stories I really believed with all my heart, swearing-on-a-stack-of-bibles were true.
So I stayed, and tried so hard to prove to him that I was the kind of woman who was worth changing for. If only I could just do the right things, say the right things, I thought he would some day have a made-for-TV-movie moment, look at me with tears in his eyes, and realize that I was worth stopping all of these things and then we could finally be happy.
The longer I stayed, the more it became clear -- to me, then -- that I wasn't worth it. I wasn't beautiful, I wasn't strong, I wasn't enough, I wasn't worth changing for. The lies kept coming. The midnight phone calls. The alcoholic chaos. My self-esteem shrunk down to just a tiny shriveled seed. I "knew" I would never find happiness with anyone else, so I just trudged along with blinders on, hoping some magical thing would happen some day to make it all better.
I finally was sent to a counselor by my then-boss, who was worried I might take my own life. For the first time, I heard someone else say, "Nope, sorry, but that thinking is wrong. You're a good person and you're fine. He's the one who's got a terrible problem. And you don't have to live like this if you don't want to." What seems like fifty sessions later, I finally started to believe him, just a tiny bit
I found SR as part of that therapy, and started reading other peoples' stories about how they came to realize they could be happy even though alcohol was trashing their lives. One day someone said to me, "Your life is bigger than this," and it made me shiver. What did that MEAN, exactly? I started reading self-help books...found Al-Anon...journaled...and slowly, slowly, something started to happen.
Sure, I stayed for a while after that. I thought "Maybe the New Me will be able to figure this out." I tried my best, we went to couples therapy, went away together. The day we got back, he started drinking heavily again. One rainy day I just sat in bed alone and knew that my best was never going to solve this: His addiction was his addiction, and his personality wasn't going to change. It was me that had to change if I didn't want to dread waking up for the rest of my life.
I was scared to death.
The breakup was ugly and frightening. Things were broken, suicide threats made, stalking, my phone tapped, my email broken into, showing up when I was trying to get my mail or grocery shop or see a concert...I had to get an attorney because he threatened to go to court to get half my assets (even though we weren't married, we had been together for several years). It was very hard for a short time, then it got gradually easier as days went on.
But this is me today: Through all of that - developing strength, doing counseling, Al-Anon, SR, reading, journaling, and growing myself as a person, I found out who I was. What I loved. What I wanted to do with the handful of decades I have to enjoy here on Earth. What I wanted my days to look like. What I was willing to tolerate, and how to walk away from abuse.
I had always needed to be in a relationship to feel right, so it was startling to realize one day that I would rather be alone - and spend my days exploring, and trying fun things, and treating myself well - than to be "with someone" whose actions were making me unhappy.
I went back to college (I'm in my 40's), started writing, made new friends and a new life. I eventually met a man who wasn't codependent, wasn't chemically dependent, and after really thinking about it, decided to agree to marry him. But more important than that is the fact that even if I hadn't, I would still have had a great life because I had finally learned how to put me first....that the world needs all of us to be 100% because we all have our gifts to offer. That I was indeed worthy.
Over the years, various SR people taught me the three C's of alcoholism (and really? of everything that's out of my hands): I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't control it. They taught me how to say "no" when I meant no, how to take good care of myself even when I didn't feel worthy of care, when to fight and when to let go, and how to take a deep breath and detach when I needed to. I learned just as much from sharing my ES&H with other people as I did from getting it from others.....it's almost like, I learned I'm part of a big community of Life. There's something I'm supposed to do while I'm alive, and it's not picking up the pieces of an alcoholic.
Thanks, everybody who was there for me, and everybody who steps up to help someone else who comes here numb or sad or full of despair. Some people - like me - had never felt anyone truly cared about them, and so I can tell you this as a fact: Small acts or statements of kindness can alter the course of an entire life.
Big hugs and gratitude to everybody :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
dear givelove-
thanks for your message of hope today. i don't know what this place would be without you here. i went back to my very first post and reread it and there you were, ready with the helpful hand outstretched. i couldn't fully process what you were trying to tell me at that time, but i hear you now!
navie
thanks for your message of hope today. i don't know what this place would be without you here. i went back to my very first post and reread it and there you were, ready with the helpful hand outstretched. i couldn't fully process what you were trying to tell me at that time, but i hear you now!
navie
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: uk
Posts: 124
Thank you for the post; it made wonderful reading! I immediately identified with you at the point where you said that you realised you weren't enough..................that is the feeling and thinking that I found myself with at the end of my relationship - it seems my core belief has been "I am not good enough". Explains a whole lot. I am an RA and have been out of the relationship with ABF for 15 months now and have done a lot of work on myself; I have attended Al Anon, read many self-help books and am still undergoing counselling. I am in my 40's and have returned to college. I can still feel 'not good enough' but am learning now to challenge my thinking. You have SO inspired me, and to know that you now have a good partnership helps me to keep moving forward. Inspirational reading. Thank you again.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Wow, GL. Just....Wow!
I came here seeking a light in my darkness a year ago. You and all the warm supporters here handed me lanterns and candles in all shapes and sizes. I held on to them until I found my way and now I stay to hand them on to newcomers seeking a light in the darkness. I hang on to a few of them of course so I can keep check on the shadows still lurking about in my life and I still pick up a few here and there.
Your post is a bright beacon just as it ought to be!!
Thank you for being here!!
Alice
I came here seeking a light in my darkness a year ago. You and all the warm supporters here handed me lanterns and candles in all shapes and sizes. I held on to them until I found my way and now I stay to hand them on to newcomers seeking a light in the darkness. I hang on to a few of them of course so I can keep check on the shadows still lurking about in my life and I still pick up a few here and there.
Your post is a bright beacon just as it ought to be!!
Thank you for being here!!
Alice
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
GL,
Have I told you lately that I love you, I love what you share, I love how you care.... and I love how you're able to shine so brightly with your recovery aura.
It's an honor to walk beside you. Thanks so much for sharing this iwth us.
Cats
Have I told you lately that I love you, I love what you share, I love how you care.... and I love how you're able to shine so brightly with your recovery aura.
It's an honor to walk beside you. Thanks so much for sharing this iwth us.
Cats
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
and me too for the WOW!....what a beautiful post full of hope and inspiration for many of us that may be struggling right now.....and also those that are well on their way into recovery. I really needed to read this today.....Thank you for sharing it with us all PHIZ
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I missed this when you first posted, GL...thank you! While I knew many of the pieces of your story and see your light and love shine here every day, to see it all presented together was like being at one of our Alanon or Naranon anniversary meetings around here where guest speakers share their story of recovery. It always fills me with joy and hope. Thank you, my friend for all you share of yourself...You may never know how many people you have helped along the way. I'm so glad you now know that you do matter and you are truly loved. 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I don't know HOW I missed this when it was first posted, but I'm glad it's been brought back. Thank you ((GiveLove)) for being you, for sharing all your ES&H and for showing us that there IS a life after addiction, no matter which side we're on (because you've helped me on BOTH sides )
Love, hugs and prayers!
Amy
)Love, hugs and prayers!
Amy
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
