OhBoy

In the mail yesterday I received the final divorce papers, it was filed on Friday the 13th, 2 days before our 12th anniversary. Kind of funny the dates were so close, but I guess it'll only be once a year I have to think of it. Instead of thinking about the wedding anniversary in September and the divorce anniversary say in March. I can get that crap out in one weekend!

Another good thing is it's no longer STBXAW, its just XAW. So much easier to type and I don't feel like I'm talking about a specific model of laser printer or a weird sports car!

The divorce took about a year, it should have only taken about 4 months but dealing with an alcoholic you have to choose your expectations carefully. Thankfully I just trusted that eventually it would HAVE to be over. One day. And even though at times I didn't think it would ever be final, it now is.

What a whirlwind it was being married to her, not at first, but like an old steam locomotive. Building up speed every year. If I had listened, I would have heard the conductor announce the warning signs, but I couldn't hear. One day I guess he must have been screaming in my face, I opened my eyes and she was an alcoholic. One day it was all real. There was no more denying her illness, her infidelities, her lies...... There was no more denying my illness.

So I googled "alcoholic wife" and found Sober Recovery. A few months went by and I got the courage to register and post. A few more months went by and I got the courage to crawl into Alanon. I was a VERY broken person. Slowly I began to heal, sometimes in leaps and bounds, sometimes going backwards. But I was getting better. Stronger. I could start to see things as they really were and deal with them in a real way. It was (is) hard to stop the fantasy and not deal with things in a way to stay in the fantasy.

There were many times she said she wanted to leave me but I did everything I could to convince her to stay. Why? Was it my undying love for her? No. It was fear. What would I do without her? In hindsight it was what would my codependency do without my alcoholic? The 2nd to last time she said she wanted to leave I once again convinced her to stay. At that point and time I was miserable with my life. I couldn't have told you why I begged her to stay, my instincts took over. IT WAS ALL I KNEW HOW TO DO. The moment she agreed to stay I couldn't believe what I had done. I wouldn't make her stay ever again.

So Alanon and SR were making me stronger. I found real evidence of her cheating which were met with lies and denials in the face of physical evidence. At that time there were only lies from her. One night she came home and said she couldn't live like this anymore, I told her I did not want to live this way as well. She wanted to leave. I suggested a trial separation, she said no. About a month went by & the credit card accounts exploded to damn near $10,000. We were living paycheck to paycheck as it was. I immediately filed for divorce.

She moved out and that weekend she got her second aggravated (BAC over .18) DUI. A month or two later lost her job due to her drinking. Spent a month in jail, spent a month in rehab. So that's why the divorce took so long. She is now 9 months sober and I am very proud of her. We are still friends. My heart does not pine for her though. She is a VERY different person now. Alcoholism chewed her up and when it spit her out she was completely different than the person I met 18 years ago.

I am still mourning the loss of my marriage even though love left many years ago. So much of my life was defined by our marriage, now I'm left to define myself. I didn't cry when I got the papers. I didn't smile either. It was just another day.

MsPINKAcres

((OhBoy))

Prayers & good thoughts for you ~

Wishing you the best as you continue your path on defining the you that this new life will lead you to be ~

You have great tools you have learned in recovery to make your future bright and hopeful ~ when you are ready ~ take your time

pink hugs

lillamy

Bittersweet, it sounds like. And I remember the feeing that the divorce took for-effing-ever but the good part is that when you use all that time wisely - as it sounds like you did! - you come out a little stronger and a little more ready to take the next step!

AnvilheadII

i never quite know what to say in situations like this....i am glad that today YOU seem more at peace and that for today she is sober. and your lives go on!!! my best to you!

Recovering2

Divorce is like death on the grief scale, so it's normal to mourn. It's a new day, and your life has new possibilities.

I wish you a future full of hope and serenity.

dandylion

OhBoy---Thank you fpr posting this! I remember your posts--very well...(LOL).

I am glad that you are "free" to live in reality now--and that your wife has found sobriety.

Trust me when I tell you that this stage of mourning will pass in it's own time. It will.

I hop that you will stay as a permanent member of SR! In addition, you have much knowledge to share with others who are struggling as you once were.

SOO good to hear from you, OhBoy!!!!

dandylion

OhBoy

That reminds me of what a friend of mine said to me when he heard the news of my, at that time, pending divorce, "Sorry to hear the good news." It's the only thing I actually remember anyone saying to me after telling them.

Thank you all.

Wisconsin

I am grateful that you are now in a place where it will be easier for you to move forward, and continue your growth and healing. Peace and serenity to you!