Elsie

Ok, so ABF has not drank anything since New Years Day.
He was here last night for dinner, played video games together, he stayed the night, this morning we went grocery shopping. He drank juice and water the whole time.
It was great! I had a really great time with him.

I told him of my new boundry. I do not want to be around him if he drinks and I do not want alcohol in my house and I do not want alcohol around my kids. He's accepted that.
But, we do not live together. I think he realizes now that if he gets back to where he was, I'm gone, and for good this time. I'm not kidding around, this is the FINAL SHOT. I have no time for this crap anymore!

So...with those boundries in place...what do I do if he starts drinking again, but at HIS place? I mean, I cannot tell him that if he picks up a beer can in his own home that I'm leaving him, can I?
I gave him boundries about MY personal space and my children.
If I tell him that should he drink again I'm gone...that's codie behaviour and I'm trying to avoid that.
But I know in my heart that if he starts again, I'm gone!
Do I say anything? Do anything?
Now that I've set these boundries, I'm worried that I'm opening myself up to lying and hiding alcohol.
I do not want to be lied to, I want him to be open and honest, but he won't be open and honest if he knows the end result is losing me and his family.

Rock<ME>Hard Place
Hmmm, any advice??

(By the way, I am basically just waiting for the day that he starts again. I am hopful that this is really it for him, but he refuses to seek help of any kind. It's day 3 and he thinks he's cured. I hate feeling this way, I hate feeling like in my heart I know he's destined to fail.
As I layed beside him in bed last night, I wanted to burst out crying because I figure that was the last time we layed together...me happy and him sober.
Great, now I really AM crying. This sucks)

FindingPeace1

Sounds like a nice time.
About boundaries (far be it from me to know about them, but I'll saunter on anyway! )
If you want a boundary that you date a non-drinker, you can decide that. The paradox is he may drink and lie. To date him, you have to let go of knowing if is drinking or not, while trusting your gut that it feels right or not for you.
I really get this one, as I am with a hider. I have to tell myself often - let it go. I don't want to snoop, search for hiding places, etc. I don't want that grime in my psyche. So I let it be as best I can. He says he's done. He's already drank since saying that, so we know how that goes. Without a recovery plan (for my AH), nothing will change if nothing changes.
Whether to tell him or not is a conundrum I often face. I think, ultimately, you need to know it for you. You can tell him or not. That is not as important as you knowing for you. Telling him won't change him authentically, so what's the use?
About your sadness, you had a lovely time. You can choose to be in misery about the possibilities of the future, but that doesn't help/fix anything and leaves you miserable. Be in the moment.
Good luck to you.
Wife

coffeedrinker

Oh my gosh, I totally get what you're saying. I had so many "last time we'd do [I]this[I] together moments with mine last summer. It broke my heart every time. I was making ready to leave him, and cherishing those times.


As the other posters have said, YOU get to decide what to tolerate and what not to. If you wanted to start dating, and only wanted a guy with blue eyes, yeah shallow maybe, but no one would say "WHAT!? You can't say that!"
YOU get to say whether or not you want to be with an alcoholic who is IN RECOVERY, or just who does not drink when around you. (Prob is, if he only stops the drinking when around you, then he won't be Mr. Wonderful, because of all the crap that goes with the active addiction)

I would say "time will tell and **** will smell".
But there's a lot of angst in the meantime if things even start to go bad. It stinks, but I think if it's your choice to be with him, what can ya do? Wait it out and enjoy the good times, or tell him you can't live like this and to look you up once he's been sober six months/a year.

kv816

Had these days and nights many MANY times!!! They are awesome. Hook and reel to my dreams. "Oh yeah, THIS is why I put up with being treated like crap!!!"

What he accepted was that you don't want him to drink AROUND YOU, IN YOUR HOUSE or AROUND YOUR KIDS. This is the boundary that you set and the one you say he accepted. This is all you asked of him. This is what you told you him you will not accept in your life.

My biggest mistake was saying "this" but meaning "that". I asked him not to drink around me. The minute I said it, he stopped drinking around me. I should have been ecstatic, right? Wrong. I was even more angry than before. Often felt like my boundary was being crossed. I asked him not to drink around me but there were days he'd come over and I could smell it on him and taste it on his breath. He was still the drooling, clumsy, drunk jerk. But, he was obeying my boundary because what I said was "don't drink around me". What I meant was I don't want to be around you at any point when you are OR HAVE BEEN drinking.

It led to many arguments. I asked him not to drink around me. He did not drink around me. But he would drink BEFORE coming to see me and I was still faced with the unruly, argumentative, verbally assaulting, etc, etc, etc jerk because of it!! So every time we'd talk or he'd come over here or I'd go over there I instantly went into "detective" mode, once again walking on egg shells. And 9 times out of 10 a fight would erupt, one of us would leave and he'd be back home to drink away his anger.

Here I was wanting, hoping, praying, BEGGING him not to drink and often times my actions turned him around to drinking (not my fault he was drinking but his way of releasing his anger, resentment, sorrows, etc, etc was by drinking and I assisted these feelings in coming out by the way I acted).

I hope that makes sense. I don't mean for you to think that his choice to drink is your fault. It is his choice, as it is my xabf's choice.

It wasn't until I was clearer on my boundaries that I started to see things differently. Up to this point, he had accepted what I would and would not accept in my life. But what I had asked for, was not what I meant. And more resentment was built for him.

You could. But how would you feel if someone came into YOUR home and told you what you could and could not do? I told xabf not to drink around me--that meant my home OR HIS. It meant he couldn't drink in his home if I was there in it.

Is it an ultimatum or a boundary? I threw out all the ultimatums I could think of, even multiple times. But I meant them as a way to control him. Don't drink or I'm gone was trying to convince xabf not to drink. I failed EACH AND EVERY TIME. Don't drink around ME was a boundary; controlling nobody but myself.


I have been lied to, many times. And xabf openly admits to lying to me about it and hiding it. He's even tried to get a rise out of me by saying he's even drank in my home but we had no problems that day he did it (his way of trying to convince me our problems with his drinking were all in my head and if he's drank around me when I didn't know it and there were no fights or arguments then he doesn't really have a drinking problem).

In the end he only hurt himself more. He was trying to change my mind about his whole drinking problem. All it did was convince me maybe he's not quite as trustworthy as I thought he was.

Maybe your abf will change, maybe he won't. But only HE can make that decision. The only thing YOU can do is decide what is and is not okay for you and YOUR life and the lives of your children.

Hang in there and cry all you want!!!

coffeedrinker

[QUOTE=Elsie;2475732]
Now that I've set these boundries, I'm worried that I'm opening myself up to lying and hiding alcohol.
I do not want to be lied to, I want him to be open and honest, but he won't be open and honest if he knows the end result is losing me and his family.

QUOTE]


I could be wrong, but because deceit is so prevalent in alcoholism, I don't think your concern is as valid as it feels. This was what I toyed with as well, when I first suspected drug use with my ABF last spring. I said "you need to be honest with me here. You need to tell me, "I relapsed, but I'm getting back on track - or - I just can't do it, I just don't want to be clean and sober." I just need to know what's going on so that I can look at it and decide if I can live with it or not." ....knowing all along I couldn't "live with it" but trying to convince him that it wasn't that big a deal - I just wanted the truth. He did cop to "a hit or two" to keep him up (was working long hours) but (said he) that was honestly all it was. Wow. Even much later when he finally admitted he had been using for months, and did make a commitment to staying clean, he was still minimizing the use. I finally decided that he was out of touch with the behavior that was going on, because there were many things that were said/happened that he now has no recollection of.

Point being, dishonesty always (in my opinion) happens. It's just part of the deal.