Originally Posted by
Elsie 
Ok, so ABF has not drank anything since New Years Day.
He was here last night for dinner, played video games together, he stayed the night, this morning we went grocery shopping. He drank juice and water the whole time.
It was great! I had a really great time with him.
Had these days and nights many MANY times!!! They are awesome. Hook and reel to my dreams. "Oh yeah, THIS is why I put up with being treated like crap!!!"
I told him of my new boundry. I do not want to be around him if he drinks and I do not want alcohol in my house and I do not want alcohol around my kids. He's accepted that.
What he accepted was that you don't want him to drink AROUND YOU, IN YOUR HOUSE or AROUND YOUR KIDS. This is the boundary that you set and the one you say he accepted. This is all you asked of him. This is what you told you him you will not accept in your life.
My biggest mistake was saying "this" but meaning "that". I asked him not to drink around me. The minute I said it, he stopped drinking around me. I should have been ecstatic, right? Wrong. I was even more angry than before. Often felt like my boundary was being crossed. I asked him not to drink around me but there were days he'd come over and I could smell it on him and taste it on his breath. He was still the drooling, clumsy, drunk jerk. But, he was obeying my boundary because what I said was "don't drink around me". What I meant was I don't want to be around you at any point when you are OR HAVE BEEN drinking.
It led to many arguments. I asked him not to drink around me. He did not drink around me. But he would drink BEFORE coming to see me and I was still faced with the unruly, argumentative, verbally assaulting, etc, etc, etc jerk because of it!! So every time we'd talk or he'd come over here or I'd go over there I instantly went into "detective" mode, once again walking on egg shells. And 9 times out of 10 a fight would erupt, one of us would leave and he'd be back home to drink away his anger.
Here I was wanting, hoping, praying, BEGGING him not to drink and often times my actions turned him around to drinking (not my fault he was drinking but his way of releasing his anger, resentment, sorrows, etc, etc was by drinking and I assisted these feelings in coming out by the way I acted).
I hope that makes sense. I don't mean for you to think that his choice to drink is your fault. It is his choice, as it is my xabf's choice.
It wasn't until I was clearer on my boundaries that I started to see things differently. Up to this point, he had accepted what I would and would not accept in my life. But what I had asked for, was not what I meant. And more resentment was built for him.
So...with those boundries in place...what do I do if he starts drinking again, but at HIS place? I mean, I cannot tell him that if he picks up a beer can in his own home that I'm leaving him, can I?
You could. But how would you feel if someone came into YOUR home and told you what you could and could not do? I told xabf not to drink around me--that meant my home OR HIS. It meant he couldn't drink in his home if I was there in it.
If I tell him that should he drink again I'm gone...that's codie behaviour and I'm trying to avoid that.
Is it an ultimatum or a boundary? I threw out all the ultimatums I could think of, even multiple times. But I meant them as a way to control him. Don't drink or I'm gone was trying to convince xabf not to drink. I failed EACH AND EVERY TIME. Don't drink around ME was a boundary; controlling nobody but myself.
Now that I've set these boundries, I'm worried that I'm opening myself up to lying and hiding alcohol.
I do not want to be lied to, I want him to be open and honest, but he won't be open and honest if he knows the end result is losing me and his family.
I have been lied to, many times. And xabf openly admits to lying to me about it and hiding it. He's even tried to get a rise out of me by saying he's even drank in my home but we had no problems that day he did it (his way of trying to convince me our problems with his drinking were all in my head and if he's drank around me when I didn't know it and there were no fights or arguments then he doesn't really have a drinking problem).
In the end he only hurt himself more. He was trying to change my mind about his whole drinking problem. All it did was convince me maybe he's not quite as trustworthy as I thought he was.
Maybe your abf will change, maybe he won't. But only HE can make that decision. The only thing YOU can do is decide what is and is not okay for you and YOUR life and the lives of your children.
Hang in there and cry all you want!!!