Triggered!
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
For me though, going into the details with the person whose behaviour triggered the attack is not helpful, sometimes I fall deeper into it again worrying about their reaction (which is an SA thing), often they don't know how to deal with the detail thinking I am blaming them (I'm not) but mostly, I have to learn to bring myself down from an incident and not rely on the object of my anxiety to input into that in any way.
I can relate to this so much.
I've gone through this so many times with AH, and I thought about not talking about it at all with him, but the way I handled it was pretty good. I was clear that his behavior today wasn't his fault, but it was a result of this behavoir in the past.
Bringing myself down from the incident is getting easier. Had I still been in the trigger I wouldn't have talked to him, wouldn't have allowed him to come by and get his tools.
I have screamed at him, horribly in public, in front of the kids. It's been awful. Yesterday, the kids didn't know, he could tell because I walked away while he was talking to me but there was progress. It really encourages me.
Today I've been a quite touchy though and i just sent the kids off with some friends so i can get some work done. Reality is, I never had support from him regarding child care so instead of being resentful, I'm taking care of it myself. Separating was just a formality
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by transformyself 
i have to cut this off, I'll end up in a very bad way if I don't. My heart is pounding, I want to call him and scream at him, I guess I'll take some clonipin, all though I hate that ****. But I don’t want to pace and shake and cry all night. and I don't want to do anything stupid. I was very very happy totally fine with out him.
Mine had me like this recently - I bought her son a Nintendo system for Christmas, and all she said was, "Oh, I didn't think you would come through for me, now I can spend the $200 on groceries for me and my son."
I am enraged beyond belief.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Well, Ives, that enraged beyond belief part is what I've worked so hard to overcome. For myself.
I have to cut if off before it grows to a monster.
What do you do to get it under control?
I have to cut if off before it grows to a monster.
What do you do to get it under control?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 15
I'm thinking the thing that would bother him the most is if he never saw you again..........and would leave him wondering well I wonder what she is doing now. He probably loves to see you come in and plays it up with whoever is near him when he sees you walk by.
The best revenge to me would be to move on without ever looking back. close the door on him and never open it again.
know that you deserve to be with a person that will treat you the way you should be treated. there are nice men out there that would never treat a person the way he has treated you and you deserve to meet one of them.
saying this out loud is helping me as well. As I need this advice too.
The best revenge to me would be to move on without ever looking back. close the door on him and never open it again.
know that you deserve to be with a person that will treat you the way you should be treated. there are nice men out there that would never treat a person the way he has treated you and you deserve to meet one of them.
saying this out loud is helping me as well. As I need this advice too.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
For me, it is not about finding a way to bother him or even to seek revenge.
I find that in my journey to seek out peace and serenity in my life I need to do things and find ways that encourage myself to live a life independant from him, to heal pain and hurt felt during my time with him and truely move on.
I find that by engaging in acts that keep me stuck in victim and agressor thinking such as revenge I link myself ever closer to him and serve to increase my own misery.
For me it is much more satisfying and growth rewarding to let him and those painful feelings go through self love and self determination. None of my actions are motivated by my exabf, only myself.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I find that in my journey to seek out peace and serenity in my life I need to do things and find ways that encourage myself to live a life independant from him, to heal pain and hurt felt during my time with him and truely move on.
I find that by engaging in acts that keep me stuck in victim and agressor thinking such as revenge I link myself ever closer to him and serve to increase my own misery.
For me it is much more satisfying and growth rewarding to let him and those painful feelings go through self love and self determination. None of my actions are motivated by my exabf, only myself.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 15
Yes Lily your right I suppose revenge is not the best word cause its not revenge exactly but a way to move on and think about yourself instead of thinking about him.
The best way to move on is to not go there again and start thinking about yourself..............
This site is so helpful to me everyone has such great things to say to each other. Im glad I found this site............
The best way to move on is to not go there again and start thinking about yourself..............
This site is so helpful to me everyone has such great things to say to each other. Im glad I found this site............
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
For me, it is not about finding a way to bother him or even to seek revenge.
I find that in my journey to seek out peace and serenity in my life I need to do things and find ways that encourage myself to live a life independant from him, to heal pain and hurt felt during my time with him and truely move on.
I find that by engaging in acts that keep me stuck in victim and agressor thinking such as revenge I link myself ever closer to him and serve to increase my own misery.
For me it is much more satisfying and growth rewarding to let him and those painful feelings go through self love and self determination. None of my actions are motivated by my exabf, only myself.
I find that in my journey to seek out peace and serenity in my life I need to do things and find ways that encourage myself to live a life independant from him, to heal pain and hurt felt during my time with him and truely move on.
I find that by engaging in acts that keep me stuck in victim and agressor thinking such as revenge I link myself ever closer to him and serve to increase my own misery.
For me it is much more satisfying and growth rewarding to let him and those painful feelings go through self love and self determination. None of my actions are motivated by my exabf, only myself.
New From Milton Bradley! The Game Everyone Plays and No One Admits To!
Revenge And Resentment!
Roll the dice and hide from your HP
Use the binaculors and Sluths Cloak to spy on your opponent/spouse/family member
Move your "man" around the board of your relationship, pretending to be happy and content.
Avoid landing on the Honesty square-or you'll have to face your true feelings of shame, pain and fear!
Land on The Honest Square three times in a row and you'll have to spend time in the Self Evaluation Box.
Ah, I crack myself up.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Naive, I'm relived you heard me and understand. I look forward to your posts. You have such clear insight and kindness.
AH called last night, drunk out of him mind and saying he should come over. I told him, no thank you. He's been texting me from work all day asking if I'm not talking to him.
Its so bizarre. He doesn't know yet that I'm done playing this game. The hooks don't work. I don't want him at my house while he's drunk. I don't care if he's offended. I don't care if he's freaked out about his bevavior and wants my reassurance. I don't care about his games. I really truly have apathy about it.
Trigger resolved, and learned from, I'm grateful to be back to this detachment. Grateful when I explained it to him that it was simple, detached and nuetral or however that's spelled. I spent so long being drug along behind him in this waste of a time trip. We went in circles. We ran out of gas. We retraced our steps. We clutched our breasts and screamed at the sky with raised fists. What a joke. Waht a waste of time. And I say that now without anger with him or myself. Now I can step away from the alcoholic.
STEP AWAY FROM THE ALCOHOLIC
AH called last night, drunk out of him mind and saying he should come over. I told him, no thank you. He's been texting me from work all day asking if I'm not talking to him.
Its so bizarre. He doesn't know yet that I'm done playing this game. The hooks don't work. I don't want him at my house while he's drunk. I don't care if he's offended. I don't care if he's freaked out about his bevavior and wants my reassurance. I don't care about his games. I really truly have apathy about it.
Trigger resolved, and learned from, I'm grateful to be back to this detachment. Grateful when I explained it to him that it was simple, detached and nuetral or however that's spelled. I spent so long being drug along behind him in this waste of a time trip. We went in circles. We ran out of gas. We retraced our steps. We clutched our breasts and screamed at the sky with raised fists. What a joke. Waht a waste of time. And I say that now without anger with him or myself. Now I can step away from the alcoholic.
STEP AWAY FROM THE ALCOHOLIC
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