Triggered!

Old 12-29-2009, 04:25 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
 
transformyself's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Triggered!

I’m sorry guys I know you're ill equipped to handle this, it's my PTSD and really has nothing to do with codependency but I don't have any where else to go.

I met with my new boss today, am managing editor of a new trade paper and am very excited, overwhelmed but overall very happy. In general very happy

Then I went with the kids into the store where AH works to get some groceries. Nothing new, do it all the time. This is the problem with PTSD; I never know when it will strike.

There was some young girl working behind the seafood counter with him, sulking around, giving him the eyes. I thought my head was going to explode right then and there. Bam. Wanted to scream at him, I still do. Wonder how long it'll take for them to end up in bed together, if it hasn't already. *******.

This is just because he had an affair with some piece of crap he worked with. Humiliated myself and him and good. the kids talked to him, I went to produce and pretended to care about the brocolli. I was shaking and could barely look at hm.

he knows whats going on. honestly there is probably nothing going on YET between them, but I feel like I might throw up.

I went to his faceb ook page, haven't been there in months and of course she's his friend, posting all over the page. She's also friends with a family of people who all work at the store, the women LOVE AH and tell me how much they do.
I do not need this man in my life in any capacity. None. He has pulled my heart and soul from my chest and pissed all over it. Nice like, pretending to be helpful, caring and a real nice guy.While he was living with that fuckign tramp he woudl come over every day and purr to me aobut how bad he felt, how much he was torn. I ate it up. The drama The drama! God I hate him.

i hvae to cut this off, I'll end up in a very bad way if I don't. My heart is pounding, I want to call him and scream at him, I guess I'll take some clonipin, all though I hate that ****. But I don’t want to pace and shake and cry all night. and I don't want to do anything stupid. I was very very happy totally fine with out him.

See what you did to me you **** wad? You and your ***** girlfriend. I hate you. I can’t believe I let you stay here, can’t believe I was so happy when you wanted to come home. You’ll never change, never amount to anything but a fish mongering drunk while I am strong and smart and people love me because I"m funny and insightful. You just have stupid ***** you meet at work.

I feel enraged, abandoned, unloved, insanely jealous more than what ordinarily would happen. This is the man who has women throwing themselves at him, always has, and cheated on me continuously for 14 years. What the hell was wrong with me? Why did I run after him for so long? It was just that abandonment thing, that's all but I will never NEVER be in that position again. You want someone else? Go do it and STAY THE **** AWAY FROM ME

Last edited by transformyself; 12-29-2009 at 04:27 PM. Reason: language!
transformyself is offline  
Old 12-29-2009, 04:43 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Transform - Hugs

First, I think what you felt when you saw her behind the counter is a perfectly normal reaction based on his behavior in the past. It is normal for you to internally question what could be going on.
Then it gets to the point where it is unhealthy. I've been there too!

So this triggered you to go look at his facebook page, my guess so you could prove to yourself that you were right, and they're sleeping together and what not. So there was no proof of that necessarily, but what you did see was enough to cause you pain and then look to see who SHE is friends with.
We always become "obsessed" with the OW.
When my XA told me he was going back to his ex, I wanted to know about her, she sings in her families band, and saw YouTube videos of her singing on stage..... I wanted to be sick. She's cute, and obviously very outgoing, and no matter all of the awful things he told me about her, when he wanted her back all I could see was that I wasn't good enough.

And now I am focusing on me and realizing that any man would be lucky to have me! Ok, I don't feel like that everyday, but I am getting there. And only able to get there AFTER I stopped looking for things about him or her. I don't want to know.

Correct me if I am wrong, but didn't you say before that you use facebook for work and other stuff so deleting it is not an option??
Ok, so if it something in your life that you HAVE to have....then why don't you block him? That way he is completely removed from existence on facebook and you dont' have to worry about seeing anything.
You think you want to know what is going on on his page....but you don't.
Spare yourself the constant pain, and do something to benefit your healthy recovery. Remove him. People have survived without facebook for years..... you'll be good if you can't see him on it. Trust me.
Kittyboo is offline  
Old 12-29-2009, 04:48 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
 
transformyself's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Ugh, the problem is he hasn't done anything, that this is a PTSD trigger, which is reliving a trauma all over again.
Thank you Kittyboo. Thank you.
I am going to take the clonipin.
transformyself is offline  
Old 12-29-2009, 04:56 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I understand.
But even if he hasn't done anything... it is a situation that causes great pain for you.

If there are things you need to do to balance out your emotions for now, then that is what you should do. JMO

Before I had deleted my facebook page, I blocked my XA. That choice came after I saw a picture of him and his gf up with their carved pumpkins. Something so simple as that threw me into a depression for a weekend because I then realized that he did nothing but make excuses to not ever do anything with me, that he lied to me so much. I was so hurt by that one picture. I hadn't spoken to him in over a month at that point.... and I blocked him.
Not because he, in that moment, did anything wrong. He didn't. I blocked him for my emotional sanity. I blocked him because the pain of having any connection to him was too great for me. And still is.
And until I am more balanced in my life, and truly past the pain that I feel; when I reach indifference, then I will return to facebook.

Does that make sense? I mean, this is what I had to do for me. And what you have to do for you may be different. But I also think when there is something that brings pain....it's time to seperate yourself as best you can.
Kittyboo is offline  
Old 12-29-2009, 05:01 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,680
When newly sober alcoholics ask for advice, we often tell them to take a different route home so they aren't tempted to stop at the liquor store. Perhaps you could shop at a different store than the one where your husband works. The less contact you have with him, the better.
suki44883 is offline  
Old 12-29-2009, 05:18 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
 
transformyself's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Lately I have been utterly detached and happy with no repercussions. That's why I said this isn't the right forum because it's not codependance, but a PTSD trigger, which is a brutal ugly thing.

However, I will stay out of his store, go NC with him for awhile to recover, all though lately he is very helpful and supportive when this happens. This last happened mid-November and he spent hours on the phone with me trying to help. He wasn't able to at the time because I was so deep in the trigger-actually vomited that day--but I did learn later that what he was telling me what the truth.

Whatever. I'm starting to feel beter but oh that stinks. just need to refocus on my life. Thank goodness I still have some of this medication to cap it off.
transformyself is offline  
Old 12-29-2009, 05:29 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I have a form of PTSD as well, and my XA has combat-PTSD, I definitely understand triggers, and I understand the need to remove oneself from triggering events.

You know what's best for you...and as long as you are doing the things that you know will be healthy for you, good! I'm glad you are feeling better. BIG HUGS
Kittyboo is offline  
Old 12-29-2009, 05:45 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
 
transformyself's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Thank you again kitty. A friend just called whose wife is cheating on him. That helped. And AH wants to come by after work to pick up some things.
transformyself is offline  
Old 12-29-2009, 06:48 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
 
transformyself's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
YOu know what i just realized? It doesnt' even matter if he's sleeping with or "seeing" that girl behnd the counter tiwht him, what matters is that he feeds of attention from other women and always has and the way I feel about it doesn't matter to him and never will and he is not worthy of licking my shoes.
transformyself is offline  
Old 12-29-2009, 07:26 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
tigger11's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Trans Dear, I know very little about PTSD, although I suspect many of us on this forum suffer from it to various degrees. But thought I'd share something my stepdad said to me that has been helpful. That is, to examine your motives. For example for me, when I go over to STBX-AH's house to visit the dog (court ordered, he can't be there), I'll do little nice things, like fill up the bird feeder. Clean up the dogs puke. So I examined my motives. Maybe in hopes that he'll stop being horrible to me in the divorce proceedings, maybe that someday he'll get all better (ya right), and we can live happily ever after (YA RIGHT). Not exactly sure, but whatever it is, I'm almost sure to get hurt because he won't be nicer to me, and chances are we'll never get back together and he won't get better, or it'll be 10 years now when I've moved on. Or something. Just saying, it might be an interesting idea for all of us to examine our motives when we choose to interact with our A's. Not necessarily to share, but to honestly seek what we hope to get out of the interaction. Just a though, if it's useful great, if not, chuck it.

Hugs!
Tigg
tigger11 is offline  
Old 12-29-2009, 07:57 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
 
transformyself's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Thank you Tigger, I"m always looking to be armed with more info about this awful anxiety disorder.

By the time AH got here to pick up his stuff, I was calm. He asked if I would tell him why I was upset earlier at the store so I did. Kept it brief and told him I had worked it out. He said he has very good boundaries with the staff he manages, said all the right things to try to make me feel better, said he was very sorry for his affair, for all the ways he's hurt me. That those are the reasons we're not together, he knows it's been impossible for me to get over.

I thought differently for a long time, that if he would only "help" me get over this stuff we could work through it and be happy together. If he would stop talking to her But we can't. He's an alcoholic.

I told him he doesn't have to apologize any more. He does have true remorse and I know he's seen what his affair really was. It took him a long time to sort it out, but I know he doesnt' talk to her anymore. He spends his time working, trying to make my house better for the kids and drinking. He has his regrets. I really do not want to make him relive them. I want us both to move forward.

I told him it was just a trigger and that I worked through it.

used to be, I'd be awake crying for days. I think I"m getting better, even though I'd prefer to not have to go through these things at all...
transformyself is offline  
Old 12-29-2009, 08:00 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
tigger11's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Poor Sweetie - I love you! BIG HUGS ((((((((TRANS)))))))))))))
tigger11 is offline  
Old 12-29-2009, 08:06 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
 
transformyself's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
OH THANK YOU TIGGER!!

I"m allright, doing much better and sort of proud of myself for getting out of that dark place as quickly as I did. Letting go again and it feels great. With the help of pharmacuetical aids...
transformyself is offline  
Old 12-30-2009, 02:44 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Curled up in a good book...
 
bookwyrm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Originally Posted by transformyself View Post

I"m allright, doing much better and sort of proud of myself for getting out of that dark place as quickly as I did. Letting go again and it feels great. With the help of pharmacuetical aids...
It takes what it takes. I'm so glad you conquered your trigger so quickly!! (((hug)))
bookwyrm is offline  
Old 12-30-2009, 02:57 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
dear trans-

stay clear of him.

stop trying to communicate with him as if he is a caring, rational person.

he took everything that was decent and made a mockery of it.

your reaction is healthy. trust your intuition.

get away from him now, unless you want more of the same.

what kind of man lies, cheats, apologizes and then does the same thing again?

you know the answer.

he's not good for you. stay away from him, unless you want to have a nervous breakdown.

stop trying to talk to him about your feelings. say nothing to him about your life. he doesn't care. you know that. i know that. his actions prove that.

don't let him live in your house. don't let him help you in any way. don't shop where he works.

if you continue to interact with him, he will hurt you some more.

get clear of that bloke. he's a liar, a drunk, and an adulterer. you are none of those things. you seem like a decent person in the web of this spider.

get out of his web.
naive is offline  
Old 12-30-2009, 05:31 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Originally Posted by naive View Post
dear trans-

stay clear of him.

stop trying to communicate with him as if he is a caring, rational person.

he took everything that was decent and made a mockery of it.

your reaction is healthy. trust your intuition.

get away from him now, unless you want more of the same.

what kind of man lies, cheats, apologizes and then does the same thing again?

you know the answer.

he's not good for you. stay away from him, unless you want to have a nervous breakdown.

stop trying to talk to him about your feelings. say nothing to him about your life. he doesn't care. you know that. i know that. his actions prove that.

don't let him live in your house. don't let him help you in any way. don't shop where he works.

if you continue to interact with him, he will hurt you some more.

get clear of that bloke. he's a liar, a drunk, and an adulterer. you are none of those things. you seem like a decent person in the web of this spider.

get out of his web.
This post was right on for me as well! Thank you.

Transform, I also fall into the conversations with exah about 'why I am/was upset'. I really think they do like to hear that we are suffering because of them. It really is an ego stroke. They may feel bad..sort of, but they also get something from it.
Startingover2 is offline  
Old 12-30-2009, 06:50 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
 
transformyself's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Dearest, most kind and wonderful Naive.

Are you in the UK? Bloke, love it.

I"m not sure how to respond to your post, I appreciate your plea and know you care about me. I've had another accuse me of putting my children in a dysfunctional home so I can "learn" detachment, but that person was just being nasty and thankfully I blocked her. You, My Dear, truly care. I know. That's why I'm trying to explain it to you. I'm also processing it myself.

I believe right now there is no need for no contact. I know that'll set off a line of "you're in denial and when you've had enough you'll stop" responses and that's ok.

You probably saw this
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hat-place.html
and this
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-problem.html

I'm solid in my self assessments and know that my choices regarding the AH and this ptsd stuff isn't the result of magical thinking or denial.

He's an alcoholic. I"m not in love with him anymore. (OMG it feels so good to write that and mean it. I BEGGED God for this for so long!!!) I dont' expect anything from him. I see the situation clearly, both him and myself. I have increasingly experienced detachment with compassion, clear boundaries and a renown focus on myself and my children and my new job.

I won't let him live with me. That was temporary and a choice I do not regret.
I know what kind of man cheats apologizes and does it again. He is selfish, demanding, king baby.
I don't trust him with my heart. Or my money. Or the kids, really, but that one is tricky.
I engage with him from an emotional distance only.

Believe me, I've tried no contact with him every time we seperate. This is a different sort of no contact. An emotional one. I draw quick boundaries and then he's gone.

I was caught in his web for the duration of our marriage. And what happenned last night is not that.

if you continue to interact with him, he will hurt you some more.
The difference between what happened last night and my pain over all those years is that this was a PTSD trigger that stood alone. I think that's one of the reasons it was over so quickly. Brutal, yes. Painful, yes. That's the nature of those beasts.

Prior to the last month or so, I was emotionally connected to him. Had expectation, wanted it to work out, wanted him to love me, stop cheating, stop drinking, etc. I was heartbroken and caught in that web of confusion, of trying to understand and get him to "behave." or respect me. What a laugh. When I started to pull away from those


Now I have none of those, and am actually experiencing serenity and peace when I do have contact with him. However, regardless of whether or not I see or talk to him, I will still will have an occasional trigger. Like a war vet when a car backfires. It has nothing to do with the present moment, than that one similiar connection to the past.

I don't know if you know about them or not. I still have triggers about my mother too and haven't spoken to her in 20 years. I"m learning to catch them early and cap them off, am thrilled really by my ability to do so last night. Record time.

I hope you can take in all this information and see what happened last night in the context of the larger picture.

At this point, he's gone over to his house. Not staying here overnight, all though he will be coming to watch the kids while i go to yoga, go to work, etc.

And honestly, the truth is -the whole picture is-he has helped me a great deal here, not because he wants to trick me (which wouldn't work anyway) but because he wants his kids to have an organized environment. Now he has to set up his house. He's not a 100% demon. I can see that, thankfully, and still not be pulled into his web.

If I again become attached to him, I will draw a no contact line. Honestly, though, I can't imagine it. There is too much damage. I see him clearly now, myself as well and once you see the truth, once you come out of denial there's no going back. I keep him at arms length and it ain't hard Sister. He's not worthy of my trust, love or beautiful attention.

You, on the other hand, are.
transformyself is offline  
Old 12-30-2009, 07:23 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Recovering Codependant
 
Lilyflower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Hey Transform, glad to here you sounding so much better and centered in yourself!

Triggers are confusing things, I always find that when I experience one, I am perfectly fine one moment and then it hits me out of the blue and I am not okay.

As some triggers can result in panic attacks for me, I have tried to look at ways in which I can alleviate a trigger as it is happening, this along side my recovery work day to day is helping me to stear myself to a better place and continue to heal.

I think your taking off to 'look' at the veg was a great way to deflect some of the effects.

As you know, the funny things with triggers is that even if you start shopping else where, seeing a similar situation can just as easily start up a train-reaction of memory and feelings, so it is not as simple as to just stay away from him.

My ex has lived in Scotland (I am in Liverpool UK) since we split; but I can still have a very strong reaction to certain events, like raised voices, sudden loud noises, and any form of 'teasing' can (but not always) have my back up and my senses on alert.

I find it good to remind myself that I am safe now and to try my best to evaluate each event on its own. That can sometimes mean walking away from it to analyse and draw my conclusions, even over some days! For instance, a man at my office who quite often likes to have a beer or two on his lunch sits right by me at work. I have to be watchful of my attitude when he returns as the smell of liquor immediately has me on my gaurd and questioning the hidden meaning of every 'joke' he makes in the afternoon.

It triggers my old habitual coping mechanisms which although I am aware of and healing are still dormant inside me and wake at times with a vengence!

As it is said, it is a process, and one that must be travelled through to get past. Time is a healer.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Lilyflower is offline  
Old 12-30-2009, 07:44 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
 
transformyself's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I find it good to remind myself that I am safe now
Brilliant! Thank you!
transformyself is offline  
Old 12-30-2009, 09:47 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
JenT1968's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
anxiety disorders are hideous, I don't have PTSD (to any great extent, although I have familiarity with all of the symptoms you describe, they are not as severe linked to AH), I do suffer from social anxiety and experience triggers for that which can have me being sick, unable to speak, doing odd and in extreme cases dangerous things to get away from a perceived threat. I have been learning coping strategies with the help of a therapist.
I have no idea if it works similarly for you with PTSD, although they seem to be similar symptoms, I have npo idea about treratment, but I find it helpful not to hide my attacks from some people, to be able to say if asked "what was wrong?" that I was suffering from an anxiety attack. For me though, going into the details with the person whose behaviour triggered the attack is not helpful, sometimes I fall deeper into it again worrying about their reaction (which is an SA thing), often they don't know how to deal with the detail thinking I am blaming them (I'm not) but mostly, I have to learn to bring myself down from an incident and not rely on the object of my anxiety to input into that in any way. I can then deconstruct it at a later time with my therapist in a safe environment, with a neutral individual who has no agenda.

I am not saying that is the case for you, just my ESH from a different anxiety disorder: you have my sympathies, they are brutal.
JenT1968 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:59 AM.