jules69

Where to start ??? Difficult but its this is the first time I've spoke or wrote this and maybe it will help? Ok, I met my husband I'm seperated from 3yrs ago. He lied about his full name, marriages, children, work his family and just basically everything! At first we used to meet for wkends cos of the distance between us so his drinking I put down to holiday mode and the unfortunate hurt from his previous marriage! Extremly sensitive and emotionaly charged was how I would describe him and soon he was at my dr with his belongings because we couldn't bear to be apart! The first two wks at least he spent in a bacardi haze, he explained away this by missing his family. Six mths later he was still drinkin but more secretive, poring bacardi into a coke bottle etc anyway after his lies were uncovered and when he couldn't hold down a job even it was either him moving into a flat by himself or moving back to his parents 200 miles away, he choose the flat. To cut a very long story short, we married and we ended up moving wiv my children the 200 miles to be nearer his family, in truth it was too humilating to carry on the marriage around my friends and family. Within wks he was drinkin again, vodka, and the police were involved and me and the children went back home. After he had relate calling me and putting himself on a drinkin programe I soon relented and gave my marriage another go. He seemed to stay off the booze for a while but soon it grow again. I'm now seperated but have been trying in the last six mths by dating him. Hes controling, demanding, hides drink, accuses me of having a drink problem, he cuts me off from family and friends and seems to go into a pattern of binge drinking. He says I am the problem as I make him drink. He claims when he has a problem he drinks. He drinks every night and hides whiskey etc. I just don't know wat to do or think? I have hoped he will stop but he seems to have no regard for me or anyone but more than enough for himself. Hes 45 and his mother drinks and his grandfather was an abusive hard drinker, if there any hope? I've tried so many times to help him but I don't know what else to do? He is in complete denial. I wish he would just stop drinking?

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

It is so hard but if he is denial, you can expect more of the same. Unfortuantely, until they are ready there isn't anything we can do for them. We can only take care of ourselves because if we do not, we will get dragged down with them.

Sorry to say this, but I am learning it the hard way. Keep posting, it helps.

FindingPeace1

Welcome, jules69!
How could any adult take responsibility for another adult's behavior?

You have found a wonderful resource here. Check out the stickies at the top of the forum for oodles of good info.

Remember the 3 c's of alanon:
You didn't cause it.
You can't change it.
You can't control it.

Since there is a whole saying about this, you know there are many of us in your boat - lamenting, trying to change them, feeling guilty...all of which makes us miserable and doesn't change anything.

But there is hope - for YOU to find peace!

There are alanon meetings in the UK, too: http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/meetings/ They are free and you can meet others in your shoes.

Try getting the book Codependent No More by Melody Beatty. Its a great read and I have found it very helpful.

Just stick around and read and read and post when you need to.

We're all pulling for you!

pray4joy

Sweetie. not to be trite, the only thing that is your fault is hanging around thinking you will have any positive affect to make him make any changes. I know they have some endearing qualities but it doesn't sound the least bit worth it to me...I've decided to RUN FOR THE HILLS because of the 8 years I've been with him it was 7 years too many. I'm hoping you don't take that long to save yourself. Please I mean this with the most positive effect...do what is right for your self...he'll figure something out, it seems he is clever at doing that...doesn't it. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!

Redheadsusie

This forum is wonderful . There are many people here to support you through this hard time. Jackrussellgirl is correct ~ take care of yourself. It is all you can do to stay sane dealing with this insanity! My AH puts his drinking in front of children, wife, job ~ it is the love of his life. I am not willing to accept a life being second to that but not ready to go yet ~ trying to figure it out and get myself healthy! I wish I had the magic answer I would be free of my own situation and I would be rich too Much peace to you! Hang in there!

jules69

Thankyou everyone xx I've felt that isolated through this that I can't believe I know have people to talk too and get me through this. I've read many of the posts and its like its all about him! I'm beginning to wonder that the kind loving man I once believed was in there somewhere, is he!! Is it manipulation! Does he really love me or is it that I've been weak and forgiving much more than the average woman! Did he marry me for love or for what I allowed and ignored! Mind games, insults, threats, trouble were the norm and unfortuantly his kind near perfect caring loving nature just came in glimpses. I felt it was all my fault, I made him drink, I made him unhappy, I made him angry. I remember our first xmas was ruined by me forgetting his card and the result a five day binge and a completley guilty xmas spent by me recieving constant texts of how he'd given up everything for me. I gave him 6mths in august to show me normal, although he helped me to move and make a home for my two young children and has at times been very charming hes also proved on many occassions that he hasn't changed one bit. At the moment I'm ignoring his texts and calls after he became controling and abusive and again like many other times humilated by texts friends etc to say what a terrible person I am. I don't want this life. I wanted the man I thought I married. I'm realising thats not ever going to be possible. Can anyone relate to this? He made me feel the most loved person walking and was so loving and perfect at times BUT at other times and mostly he jumps on anything I do wrong or what he doesn't like. He controled money, my girl friends, my time, my family, my thoughts everything. He had me a nervous wreck and totally blamed me for everthing. Its as if its all about his feelings with no regard what so ever about me or anyone else. For three yrs I have belived it was because of me.

FindingPeace1

Well, hooray for you right here, right now, having the opportunity to see that ITS NOT YOU!

The hardest part for me has been the acceptance that how I WANT it to be is not how it is. I can 100% relate! As I began to realize where I was in life, I stood in disbelief at first. But, but, but, I said to myself...I want my life! My dreams, my future, my wonderful husband, my possibilities. It seemed like it disappeared overnight.

There is a Jekyll/Hyde in all our partners/friends. They are AMAZING when they are amazing and they are LOUSY when they are lousy. We want want want the amazing to stay and we sit in misery when the lousy comes. But the truth is, they are both. They are who they are and we cannot change them. We can't banish the lousy. We can't "get back" the amazing. They are the complete package. And we have to choose them, as a package - as they are RIGHT NOW (not as they were or could be). That choice or the walking away is so painful for me.

It has required me REALLY looking at the yuck and facing it. I can complain on here forever (and sometimes I do), and the wonderful folk will listen and support endlessly. But, ultimately, I have to face facts that the yuck is there and I don't like it. And if I keep reacting to it, and expecting different behavior (like honesty or positivity or change) I will KEEP being disappointed and hurt. More importantly, that that reaction or expectation is MY choice and in my power. He, on the other hand, is not.
So what do I have in my control? What do I have to let go of trying to control?

Tough stuff.

Keep posting and reading. We've got your back.

Wife

jules69

It feels like a relief just to able to voice this at last, its so humilating admitting to family and friends that I just hide it all and its difficult beginning to let it all out. This is much easier I think as there seems to be no judgements but just understanding.
I have read most of the threads on here and I can honestly relate to each one, in the three years of my hell I have gone through the lot xx
I have seperated from him but have dated him for six mths and its still been a roller coaster. At the moment I'm recieving texts of hate from him by the minute and hes also texting family and friends who are oblvious to the dateing as I promised them all back in august that that was him gone!
Today hes telling me hes reported me for all sorts and I don't know wat to expect next huhhh! I'm going to change my number again as the texts are torturous but there is a part of me that thinks at least i'm getting a running comentary of the distruction of contact hes having with people.
Its a living hell and I wish and hope he stays in his state this time or I'm stronger when he's sorry and I won't forgive. I don't understand the cycle of torture hes had me hooked into and i'm angry with myself for allowing it! I want to move on, I want to be free of his hell, I hope I can stay strong xx

jules69

After 48hrs and over 100 text messages of hate in which I haven't responded I have just recieved a text of complete remorse. Hes sorrowful for all hes done and everyone hes pushed away but no mention of the DRINK! Text ended with him saying hes on a cliff edge litrely!! Do I respond? Maybe this time he really is gonna end his life? My head says to ignore cos he's coozied up with his bottles sumwhere! Its all just torture huhhh

myawakening

Hi Jules69...what I have read here in the forum is that no contact (nc) really helps. I have also struggled with this. My AH will start out sweet with the text messages...then slowly builds to completely out of control...then finishes with the "I'm sorry...I didn't mean it" BS. My problem is he knows exactly what buttons to push...and I am sucked back into the insanity. The hate messages had to be forwarded to my attorney who was shocked at them. Yea...welcome to my world I told him.

My head knows I left him for very good reasons...yet my heart misses him and SOME of the life we had.

We can't tell you what to do...but from where I sit this relationship is toxic and you deserve better. No one should be allowed to treat anyone else with such disrespect.

Try the NC approach for a while. Delete the messages before you have a chance to read them so you won't be pulled into the madness. You know there is nothing in them that is of any importance other than hurtful things and then remorseful things. Why put yourself through it? YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN WHAT YOU ARE GETTING FROM HIM.

myawakening

One last thing...go back and read the post from 'wifeofadrinker'. Look at the 3 C's...and remember them when you are worried about what he might do to himself. If you can remember that you are not in control of HIS situation...it might be easy to distance yourself from his attempts to pull you back in.

You are stronger than you think...work on you!

We wish you luck and come back often!

(((((HUGS)))))

jules69

I responded huhhh,

By saying his choices are his own and i didn't believe he understood the pain hes caused everyone he has pushed away. I told him that maybe if he genuinely sorted himself it may not be too late to salvage everything, his parents, his business included. I explained that I was hurt, pained and humilated and I now feel detatched emotionely.

Regardless I have decided to not respond again to any messages. I think I may be to hurt to stand by any recoverey? He just maybe? goes through. I need time out to moarn my marriage and to search my soul as to if I could ever forgive and trust him again.

jules69

Slapped in the face again!!! update on my reply to him jumping off the cliff!
Got a reply off him after leaving me hanging for hrs, calling me all the usual vile names and his usual vile threats! Learnt my last lesson, not replying regardless again!!!

Ives

Jules, don't even listen to his pap! It's all utter bullshyt. He's ill - he cannot even think straight, so why bother getting into it with him? Change yourself, fix your own situation, if he sees this and has an epiphany, he might seek help, until then, let him hit his rock bottom, that's really all you can do and in the meantime don't cater to his nonsense, don't get sucked into his trap.

Mine is a master at manipulation and turning things around. She will lie to cover up her drinking. If I call her on it - then I'm buying into her bs. I'm catering to her.

If I try to stop her then all I am doing is merely opening myself up to:

Lies
Deceit
Blame
Deflection
Turning it around on me
Character assassination
Turning other people against me
Making me look bad
Making me out to be an abuser
Getting called a control freak
Her playing the victim card
Me being labeled a control freak
Me being told I have anger management issues
Me being told I'm a horrible spouse
Her using others, including her son as a weapon

If I don't react, or try to stop her drinking, then I will successfully avoid all those things. Because they will resort to whatever slander and lies that they can to protect their precious addiction.

So why bother?

Ives

He has an obvious history of this problem Looooooong before you showed up. The only difference is he has found you and he has you to blame for it. Because he cannot take responsibility for his own behaviour, which is part of the denial, he can now deflect it all upon you.

You make it worse.

You make him drink.

If only you would lay off and stop stressing him out, things would be better.

I've heard it all, and I've heard it in a very short period of time and thanks to these folks figured it all out.

I can do nothing. Nothing except take care of myself.

Nothing except not bring myself down to her messed up level, which is, no career, no job, no income, few friends, fewer real friends, enablers, on social assistance and probably unemployable.

In short, going nowhere, real quick. A slow motion train wreck.

FindingPeace1

Holy cow does it feel good to see its not just MY partner! Yours is just like mine!

jules69

I'm gonna be strong this time. We split in may and he moved out and i filed for a divorce but in august I moved with my two children into a new home for a fresh start. He was very sober, or so he seemed, and helpful and we decided to date for 6mths! Its been a nightmare and a roller coaster but at least i've had the security of my own safe home. Hes a socopath or watever you call it too I'm certain. I'm determined to move on and I'm considerin datein to help me break the cycle of his hell

Ives

I take it your children are not his.....so why would you want to subject them to this?

Make a list of the pros and cons, then you'll have your answer as to whether he is worth it.

Ives

Amazing, isn't it?

Mine has no hesitation at lying if it means she can drink. In fact, I'm pretty certain she has done it again today.

But she has built this nice little tempest around her - she has made me powerless herself, through her own behaviour, at even the mere mention of her drinking or behaviour - lest I subject myself yet again to more slander, lies, accusations and whatever other abuse she will hurl at me.

So how is it possible to even have a relationship with such a person? It doesn't seem possible from where I'm sitting.

jules69

I can relate to you completely about the abuse etc etc. Hes turned so many people against me and basically made me feel total humilation to the extent I've felt cut off. In my head I knew all along it was wrong but my heart wanted him to be the person I thought I fell in love with. My children are not his and your right about subjecting them to hell. That what its been pure hell sprinkled with perfect behaviour just here and there. I am walking away and staying away, I realise that nothing is gonna change and by reading some of the posts its becoming very clear he has a mental problem too. I am a strong person but honest to god where hes been concerned I've been so patheticaly weak.Constantly wanted to believe him when hes said its my fault because if its my fault I could change it! I've woken up and realised and gonna stay strong and block out the hurt from a man I married. Instead of believing its my fault he doesn't love me, cos how cud anyone treat sum1 they loved like this, I believe he never did or has and he only married me cos I ignored and forgave much more than most.
For me even though he isn't the father of my children I loved him and respected my soo called family unit. In a way having a second chance at being a family makes you try harder not to mess up!! huh