jules69

I know I'm reposting etc etc but I just can't put into words how supported I feel by u all.
Yesterday before I stumbled on this site I felt so alone and so stupid and weak and just a complete failure and now its all changed for me. I'm re reading your messages and I just can't express how much support I'm feeling. I'm not alone, I'm not judged but understood.........THANK YOU TO U ALL XXX

TakingCharge999

Hi jules!! There is much healing going on daily at this forum... it was a lifesaver for me a year ago! Gladly the alcoholic is out of my life but man does it take a toll. Mourning the loss of an alcoholic is complex and painful... but here we find our way back to sanity and remind each other of what is true and what is not.

I broke up with an alcoholic a year ago and it gets better, I am so glad you have your own place, that was a really good and courageous move!!

Also you mention to try and date, well I mourned for 9 months then started a new relation... sometimes I still go back to mourning the XABF's Jekyll side, and its unfair to my new partner..... so I hope you are more intelligent than me and take your time to learn so you are whole and can give 100%...

There is much learning and peace ahead, a rocky road no doubt but worth the trip and every single battle.

I work with this person so No Contact is difficult, but believe me if I have his alcoholism and new gf on my face frequently, not seeing or hearing about your soon-to-be-ex-partner at all... will help you a ton!

Its like turning off a radio station that is LOUD and not correctly tuned, and you can finally rest!!! then move to a more soothing station...

TakingCharge999

Errata, SR is still a lifesaver

TakingCharge999

I don't know if I mispelled "corageous" ... sorry, my main language is Spanish

(((jules))))

jules69

I feel a lights been switched on, for three years I have tormented myself with answers to the whys and ifs and buts....I know in my heart he will never ever be sober and even if he did I would always be distrusting of his capabilites. The way he is right now is him and I don't love or like it and I can't live with it any longer. The lies, humiliation, hurt, pain, control, manipulation the blame. All the occassions he's ruined, christmases, birthdays MY WEDDING DAY. The guilt the hell and the life he subjected MY CHILDREN TOO! I'm scared of him, I actually fear for my life. All the devotion, forgiveness and unconditional love I've given him. How can anyone capable of all that and much much more be capable of loving! Through my darkest moments hes stepped all over me with no regard. He's been as jealous as a child for attention going anywhere other than him. When I stupidly confided in him hes constantly betrayed blatantly my trust. Hes judged me, my family and friends. He's demanded and ordered and never shown hardly ever remorse. Why would I LOVE him! Why would I want to be loved by him! I'm gone and I'm not looking back. Gonna get the texts(cos he's gonna at first want to hide the slurs) the he'll call, send love songs, be abusive, be at my door, cause me more grief with family and friends, report me for god knows wat! and much much more, but guess wat thats my life systematicaly with him anyway. What am I gonna lose by walking and not looking back, a life of hell with a man I thought was my everything. What am I gonna gain, much much more and the freedom to breath and to live and maybe just maybe find the unconditional love returned by another. Its funny all my hope has gone and I've realised. Its not gonna be easy but I am going to do it. ITS NOT MY FAULT XX

miyah

Hi Jules
How similar our stories are. I am sad for you and for myself too. It is all too fresh. For me, reading here is a huge help. I did not realize the blaming and accusations were normal. Hang in there!

jules69

The texts are thick and fast, threats, abuse, blame, foul name calling and the last one was a promise its his last contact, I wish!!!
I've woke up still strong, I hope it lasts, it feels like it will.
I'm so angry at what I've allowed him to ruin in my life, my self respect, my business and much more. He took my judgement, I turned from what I thought was a strong woman into a nervous wreck. I've got my judgement back and I'm not losing it again.. I honestly believe it was all BS, I was just what he was looking for a vunerable woman. It really is so clear to me now, he chiped away till he broke me. I lived my life through the bottom of his bottle, no more... I'm running and I'm not stopping. I don't want him to get sober for me, or himself, why would I want to live my life with a preditor thats hurt my life sooo badly. I'd be always looking and questioning for a weakness. He took what I held as perfect and turned it into hell. I loved this man with a passion I can't describe and I hate him for turning that love into hate. I've decided to go to an alanon meeting next week, not to understand him but to understand why I was to forgiving an accepting to allow a monster like him into mine and my childrens life. Its funny but its not about him anymore its about me and my life. I want to be free and I'm feeling it... It feels strange but good, I don't know how its happened but I'm running with it

miyah

"It really is so clear to me now, he chiped away till he broke me. "

How familiar that is!! It must be a tactic they all use. Make us feel like dirt or try to bring us down to their level and they feel better because of it.
I too, thought I was a strong person before I met him. Everyone around me saw it except for me. He tried to destroy the parts of me that I valed the most.


You sound very strong this morning. Hold onto that.

jules69

I am strong and I'm shocking myself. I moarning the man I loved unconditionaly, the man I forgave over, over and over. The man that humilated me completely, that tormented me but also at times loved me and gave me many beautiful memories that I will hold in my heart forever xx But I can't live this hell nelonger and I don't know how, why or what changed yesterday but I've found a strength that I never realised and I'm done. There will be pain of loss but I've found my mind and judgement again that he'd striped me of. I wish I could bottle this strength and send it to you. Maybe its because I've never ever talked to neone about the abuse I suffered from him until yesterday on here. Maybe seeing others pain and suffering and or reading mine in black and white and just out loud did it? Whatever I am desperate to hold on to it. I can have friends again, relax, make mistakes without his abuse etc etc etc and socialy drink without any guilt but most of all I have my mind back. My mind was constantly searching for answers and it was always easier for me to blame myself cos I couldn't bare the thought of life without my husband. I want to live without the hell desperatly xx

Ives

That is EXACTLY what they do. Chip away and chip away. They make you feel that you are going mad. They make you react, and then when you do - they say, "See! It's you!! It's you that's the problem!!"

Then they slander, blame, accuse. They label you the control freak, the abuser, the one who needs anger management. They pit their friends and enablers against you. They paint you as abusive.

They attack you with their bile and venom, and accuse you of everything they are.

Mine does that - despite the fact that she is the one who has been in rehab, who has no job, who has been unemployed and sucking welfare, who has no hope of employment, because she is unemployable.

This in the face that I get up everyday and go to my job, that I have a career, that I have friends whom I have known for upwards of 30 years. This in the face that her ex husband has no job, is an addict himself, has contributed NOTHING to raising her son. Who constantly is abusive to his son. Who is never there for him, didn't even contact him over the holidays.

Whilst I cook dinner and breakfast for her son, whilst I shelled out $300 bones to buy him a game system so that his Christmas didn't suck.

Yet I am the evil one.

miyah

[
"Then they slander, blame, accuse. They label you the control freak, the abuser, the one who needs anger management. They pit their friends and enablers against you. They paint you as abusive.

They attack you with their bile and venom, and accuse you of everything they are."

Yes Ives,
I agree mine went so far as to say I needed medication, that I was crazy , jealous, insecure, and made him drink because I "nagged" him about it.

Last fiasco apparently happened because I complained about him drinking at 9 AM.

Ives

Don't you just love that? I was at couples counseling with mine, and she basically said, "I don't actually want it, I just do it because you keep bugging me about it. Things would be fine if you just left me alone."

Our counselor basically slumped in his chair, resolved to the fact that this is unfixable.

Then I left her alone and she still did it secretly.

Then she denied altogether that she has even drank during the pregnancy, when I have seen her drink, when I have bumped into her quite by accident in the subway, and she was coming home from the pub, drunk, after she had told me she had a 'doctors appointment'.

Now she is desperately trying to paint me out to be like her addict ex husband, with no job, who doesn't support his son.

Unreal.

jules69

Ur both talking about my soon to be ex AH, do u know him! I can relate to everything ur both saying.
I remember my wedding reception, even knowing he'd already painted himself as an abusive drunk to my family, his own and my friends hes was completely wasted by 8pm, it started at 6pm! He couldn't even stand for his speech and his mother had to take the mike two sentences in! I left our bridal suite at midnight with my dress in a carrier bag! He'd come on to one of my closest friends, slated me to everyone and humilated to such a degree I couldn't continue our marriage in the area that I'd lived in for 36yrs. I moved to surrey, 250miles away, fresh start we'd said! Just 3 wks in he'd moved out to live in the field next door with his vodka. For 5 days he demanded me out of the house I'd began to make a home. After even resorting to getting on my knees in front of his mother and my son I accepted and ordered a van. While loading he sprang from his field and put every window through on the van and on my car. That night he was in the top 5 most wanted in london and even sniffer dogs were brought in to check every house in the street! I'm sorry I'm venting here, everythings rising to the surface and I keep logging on as it feels so good to let it out at last xx

FindingPeace1

Abuse and/or violence is NEVER NEVER okay.
You don't deserve it. You don't deserve it. You don't deserve it.
How are you caring for you?
Have you gone to an AlAnon yet?
Did you pick up Codependent No More?

You're bringing it up and looking at the junk. Hooray!
How are you going to stop allowing him to treat you this way?

Hugs

Wife

jules69

Shortly after we got married a fell pregnant, pure accident, after searching depths of my soul I terminated the pregnancy. I haven't regretted my decision but I did and do feel extreme emotions over this. At every rant since he called me a murderer and let the world and its mother know (what WE had agreed at the time) what I'd done!!! I have two children already who were both problematic pregancies and had genetic life threatening illnesses. I'd lost my third child in preganacy, my GP advised strictly no more pregnacies and stupidly confided this private information to my AH!! In his rants he constantly tells me I murdered two babies!! Its completely killed me over and over. Ive always been a very private person but all the last three yrs have been hung out to dry by him! I remember confided when I trusted him about a very very close friend having an affair, 12mths later I descovered he'd been texting her that he knew and his thoughts!! He didn't just control my friends he controled my childrens friends too!!

jules69

Hi Wife xx
I'm going next friday to my first meeting as this friday its news yrs day, I'm reallly looking forward to it. I can't believe how strong I feel. How are you doing?

Jules

Insulated

He loves the drink. He loves the false identity he finds when manipulating, abusing and overpowering you. It's hard to invest time and emotion in someone that ultimately chooses to facilitate their addiction instead. We are the fringes on the blanket. It's your turn in life to use this valuable lesson to weed out the future romantic partners you have and get one that respects you.

jules69

I'm still standing strong, had my moments of memories but one thing I have done today is I've snapped and binned my wedding DVD and all photos. I'd been keeping them in my memory chest, this was major for my cos I always hold on to things to hold on to memories.... His texts today are admitting his binge of just yesterday BS and blaming me for all sorts. I'm to blame he drank cos I'm this vile nasty person!! At this point I would usually weakin by questioning myself and then after a day or to be totally convinced by him that it is me. His for example texts of how my behaviour has hurt him would make me think that it was my fault or that I should of at least bin more aware that hes highly sensitive.... I'm still staying strong, I can see his manipulation, I'm not falling for it...I want to stay strong and I can't believe I am and I can't see it changing. I am ready for the dramatics, the text or the call to say hes in hospital again...

FindingPeace1

I'm amazed more and more to see my AH's dark side as I stop accommodating him and let him sit in his own misery. He's unpleasant to be around. This is helpful for me to see. The nicey nice world I was in with him was because I coddled him. YUCK.

NewChapter

Jules, Wife and All: We all deserve better than this. That's the bottom line. Whatever they've done to us, whatever we've allowed to be done to us, we deserve better...and the first place to look is at ourselves. That's all we can control, anyway. We will be treated better...and we start with how we're treating ourselves.

Have you seen an attorney for a free consultation? Some controlling A's make it difficult to leave, so please read the stickies on that topic and consult with people who know about these things. Tigger went through a difficult "leaving", you might check out her sources.

Best to both of you...my A is divorcing me after he's lost the respect of his kids, and just lost his job. It will turn out to be the nicest thing he's ever done...just waiting now for him to find a job so I don't end up supporting him! A friend gave me a card that said Happy New Year, but the New was crossed out and You written in. HAPPY YOU YEAR! My new motto, and I wish the same to you.