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Contoling/Bullying

Old 12-30-2009, 07:23 PM
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Contoling/Bullying

I know...I know...why I continue to try to explain to AH that I can not live with his drinking I don't know....but I do. He has decided now that because I have said that as long as he drinks that we are done...I am now a bully and a control freak. He believe I should live and let live. Really controling - I'd call it protecting myself from the horrible, hideous things he does when he drinking! I'd call it protecting my children from becoming just like him! You would think by asking him not to drink, I was asking him to donate a vital organ!! I know it's a disease, I know it is a sickness.....but it is still so foreign an idea to me that something could be so important to someone that they are willing to lose everything for it. Now, I love Diet Coke - but if I could never have one agian - I would survive and certainly if someone told me I had to stop to save my family I would! I know it isn't even in the same realm of alcoholism, but it just seems to stupid and beyond my understanding! I think perhaps I should being to limit my contact with seperated AH because this banter makes me crazy! I think that for my new year's resolution I am going to focus on me and my children...and making our lives happy! Should he decide to stop drinking and be a part of that so be it...if not so be it. I am going to be in control of me and my happiness! Sorry was rambling a bit, just frustrated beyond belief! (that should be controlling - i'm a teacher where did I learn to spell)
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Old 12-30-2009, 07:33 PM
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You could tell him that you aren't trying to control him because he is free to drink all he wants and that you are willing to "live and let live," but you'll just make arrangements to live somewhere else.
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Old 12-30-2009, 07:35 PM
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Right there with you! It is beyond me to but if we try to figure it out it will drive us crazy! Hey- I am a control freak and bully too. I posted tonight about my Ah and his blood pressure med and not wanting to take it so he can drink. Enough to make absolutely nuts. You will survive as I will. Very sad for them and us...........
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Old 12-30-2009, 07:38 PM
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I will do that...though I'm sure in some way...it will still be me controlling!! THANK YOU!
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Old 12-30-2009, 07:39 PM
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RedHead - I read your post earlier...and at least he is not taking the meds and drinking right...that could be tragic!! LOL I don't get it...but my AH would do the same, forget your health, have a good holiday! I am so glad that this website exists because it keeps my sanity!!!
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Old 12-30-2009, 07:47 PM
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I hear you... every word could be an entry I made last year at this time. It isn't rambling, you are trying to make sense out of something that doesn't make sense. Trying to make an abnormal situation - normal.

Last year my husband and I had been separated for 5 months b/c of his drinking. I thought if he can't get sober with me than maybe he can get it w/o me.( he had done so before meeting me) He walked away from me through the holidays and tried to come back all at the same time. I made a decision to w/d from him. I did not return calls nor agree to see him - which was difficult b/c we work at the same place. One month later he stopped and has been sober for the year. I believe w/o me to monitor his drinking he got to see just how much of a problem it was.

Give him the ability to see it for himself - I was able to get to that point when I saw that getting out of the way proved to be a good backdrop for him to see himself. I learned quickly that when I was around or interacting with him I became his target.

Like you, I am still trying to sort out the nonsense of this disease. I am trying to figure out if I can live with it or not. For now, I am not living with it and I am lonely and dissappointed as I watch all my dreams leave. It feels awful and disorienting. I get angry and argue with the air at times to vent. But it does get easier.
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Old 12-30-2009, 07:54 PM
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Guilty as charged

I trying to set a boundary for a sane, safe & reasonable life, particularly where there are children involved, then I am also guilty of the same. I "controlled and bullied" and tried to get him to see reason for too long. It has taken a toll on my personal well-being.
The problem for me now is being in a position to follow through which I am totally serious and planning to do. I have unfortunately given up hope of being able to help and get him to "see the light" I have finally been learning about the Al-Anon "Let Go and Let GOD" approach. It has been more peaceful while I make my preparations...not perfect, but not as continuously horrible as before. I guess it takes practice and some days we are better at it than others.
Breathe, try to relax and have a good evening.
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Old 12-30-2009, 08:26 PM
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It took me a long time to see that I actually WAS trying to control and bully him. I had my ideas about how he should act and I tried my best to force him to act that way. He had his own ideas that I should accept him as he was--and continue to live with him and put up with his crap. Well, we were both right in some ways, and wrong in others.

My ideas about what a husband should be were not wrong, they just weren't him. He was right about me accepting him as he was, just not the part about living with him and putting up with it.

I'll never forget the day he said that no one was going to tell him what to do. And I said, you're right. You are a grown up and you can do whatever you want. And I can decide to do what I want. The look on his face was priceless. That was the day I let go. It was also the day the knot in my stomach that was there for 20 years went away.....

L
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