It's my fault he drank
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 81
Originally Posted by KeepPedaling 
It's so emotionally unhealthy to have so many bad feelings all the time. The thing is that everything is actually going really well in my life. My life is better than it's ever been in terms of health and career. I've been going to the gym, I've gotten promoted, I have great friends, really spiritually rewarding hobbies, lots of projects to work on. He doesn't seem to care. He just seems miserable. I feel bad for seeming happy around him. Like I need to feel his misery with him. I'm afraid if I don't pick up the phone, he'll go drink tonight. He's convinced he's going to fail his class.
Sorry for rambling.
Sorry for rambling.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Originally Posted by wifeofadrinker
wanting - that's a good one.
My AH is mad at ME because I called him on the carpet for drinking and lying and hiding. But he hid it because I didn't like it (or so he says).
I find I have always excused him by saying he's "sensitive". Because he is so "sensitive" I have to control the way I say things and what I say and when I say it so he doesn't flip his s**t. So he doesn't get HURT or MAD or stomp off or whatever.
Can't fix it. Can't change it. Can't control it. Didn't cause it. Can't own it.
My AH is mad at ME because I called him on the carpet for drinking and lying and hiding. But he hid it because I didn't like it (or so he says).
I find I have always excused him by saying he's "sensitive". Because he is so "sensitive" I have to control the way I say things and what I say and when I say it so he doesn't flip his s**t. So he doesn't get HURT or MAD or stomp off or whatever.
Can't fix it. Can't change it. Can't control it. Didn't cause it. Can't own it.
He's not violent at all (thank goodness). He's just not super compassionate or attentive. And everything seems to always be about him.
I'm so glad I posted here. It's so helpful. Everything you've all said. Thanks again so much.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Originally Posted by Lilyflower
You are not messing with anyone's sobriety or pushing them toward drink by standing up for yourself and ensuring you are treated well; despite what you may here from your A/RA.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxx
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxx
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Everyone has pretty much covered all the bases here... Not much to add from me! Just some love and support. You don't deserve to be dragged down by him and his "woe is me" attitude. If he can't be happy for you and all of your recent successes, achievements, and healthy hobbies, than you don't need him around. He's jealous of your happiness, and instead of being supportive of it and you, he's trying to take it away by being mean, petty, and vindictive. What kind of person does that? There's no excuse for it, and I'm proud of you for hanging up on him. It's like he is going out of his way to try and make you as miserable as he is.
You go on with your house, and your promotion, and your badass self girl... you've earned it! There are plenty of fish in the sea that will see you as the gold mine you are. Throw him back.
My chihuahua has climbed into my lap and informed me that I have said enough. Good luck to you, keep us posted on the house!!!
You go on with your house, and your promotion, and your badass self girl... you've earned it! There are plenty of fish in the sea that will see you as the gold mine you are. Throw him back.
My chihuahua has climbed into my lap and informed me that I have said enough. Good luck to you, keep us posted on the house!!!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by KeepPedaling
...when things calm down, he says (and he says this over and over) that it was the WAY I said it. If I would have said it differently, he wouldn't have to get so angry at me when I want to talk about something.
My response to KeepPedaling was total sarcasm, but seriously, whenever I tried speaking to my ABF he'd "stomp off" also, try to shout me into silence and tell me that he can't take "my tone." "If only you would change your TONE," he'd say. I'd say to him, "I speak the way I speak. I can't change the way I speak to suit you."
They can't respect us because they don't respect themselves.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Preach on, Dreamer42. I have that tone as well, my passion and animation when I get emotional is actually something most people love about me! I'm glad I'm not the only one who has "tone issues" ha
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
A part of me thinks it might just be my fault that he drank.
He drinks because he wants to drink. Don't listen to his ********. I am so sick of the mind games that these people play. I am tired of them taking out their failures on the people that care the most.
Again, don't listen to this ********!!!
He drinks because he wants to drink. Don't listen to his ********. I am so sick of the mind games that these people play. I am tired of them taking out their failures on the people that care the most.
Again, don't listen to this ********!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by KeepPedaling
A part of me thinks it might just be my fault that he drank.
Only if you actually purchased the booze, tied him up, and siphoned it into his esophagus!!!!
Did you do that?
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by KeepPedaling
Thank you. It's scary when we argue now...every since he relapsed that one night. I'll always worry.
This is an absolutely fantastic book with a whole section dedicated to addiction. Never underestimate your natural instincts, if he is making you feel this way there is something wrong that needs to be addressed. Prevention is better than cure.
If you think he is scary when you argue please protect yourself, he may not have been physically abusive with you but it is fact that all abusive relationships escalate in their frequency and intensity. If you are ''scared'' of your partner when you confront him, this is a major red flag that you should not ignore, your instincts are kicking in, listen to them.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Originally Posted by Lilyflower
KeepPedaling I would suggest you get a hold of and read the book: 'Why does he do that? - Inside the minds of angry and controlling men' by Lundy Bancroft.
This is an absolutely fantastic book with a whole section dedicated to addiction. Never underestimate your natural instincts, if he is making you feel this way there is something wrong that needs to be addressed. Prevention is better than cure.
If you think he is scary when you argue please protect yourself, he may not have been physically abusive with you but it is fact that all abusive relationships escalate in their frequency and intensity. If you are ''scared'' of your partner when you confront him, this is a major red flag that you should not ignore, your instincts are kicking in, listen to them.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
This is an absolutely fantastic book with a whole section dedicated to addiction. Never underestimate your natural instincts, if he is making you feel this way there is something wrong that needs to be addressed. Prevention is better than cure.
If you think he is scary when you argue please protect yourself, he may not have been physically abusive with you but it is fact that all abusive relationships escalate in their frequency and intensity. If you are ''scared'' of your partner when you confront him, this is a major red flag that you should not ignore, your instincts are kicking in, listen to them.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Thanks again. And GUESS WHAT!!! THEY ACCEPTED MY OFFER AND I'M GETTING A CONDO!!! MY FIRST HOME EVER!!! I'M FREAKING OUT!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Originally Posted by kittykitty
Preach on, Dreamer42. I have that tone as well, my passion and animation when I get emotional is actually something most people love about me! I'm glad I'm not the only one who has "tone issues" ha
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