sad.....but reality check

Old 12-04-2009, 04:18 PM
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sad.....but reality check

It had been 3 days now since I told AH he needed to leave. Today I spoke to him for the first time because he needs to come and get some things at the house. Making general conversations, I asked him he was staying with a friend of ours...he said I don't know, am I still? No apology, no nothing....does he really believe that I am just going to turn and say come home???? Really???? I suppose he probablly does, because in the past.....I let him treat me however he wanted, and the next day always pretended it was ok....but THIS is NOT OK. I have all the name calling and degrading comments that I can take...3 days of not being call a B or anything else feels pretty good. It was funny I was talking to someone today about some things that happened and was explaining how horrible he was to me, and she was shocked....and I realized that somewhere to those of us who live in the world of someone who is an AH or verbally abusive, we begin to believe those types of behaviors are normal. I am feeling really sad at the loss of our relationship, and I feel guilty that he does not have a "home" to go to and is staying with a friend, but for the first time I am not feeling sorry for him in a way that it will change my mind about my decision. Sorry if I am rambling, but I am trying to make sense of what I am feeling as well. I wish I knew still though why he never feels the need to apologize.....ever.....and why he can speak to me and act like he did nothing wrong. I hurt for my children, but know that I would never allow my child to act the way he does or treat others the way he does. I KNOW I am putting them first here!
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Old 12-04-2009, 04:36 PM
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I wish I knew still though why he never feels the need to apologize.....ever.....and why he can speak to me and act like he did nothing wrong.

This kind of searching question is so natural to us who live in the world of logic. But you can drive yourself cuckoo with questions ike this applied to an A. Just tell yourself any old answer.
Because he is an alcoholic.
Because he is from Mars. Whatever will help you to let it go!

I only say this because I know when I have been hung up on this kindof question I start analyzing myself and what did I do to deserve this etc...and so I am still locked into a way of thinking that is associated with the A's behavior...still trying to figure things out in relation to a person who is living in a toxic world and making toxic choices.

That energy has always been better spent just picking even one little thing I'd like to change about myself and applying the energy there!

You sound strong - I know this must be very difficult and for sure painful for the children but it is a step in the right direction towards teaching them what is acceptable in a partner/parent relationship... hang in there mentally!

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Old 12-04-2009, 04:43 PM
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Recovering Codependant
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Coming from an abusive relationship myself, I can say that the reason(s) he doesn't apologise for doing wrong is

1) he doesn't believe the way he acted was wrong and feels justified that he has been right in his actions
2) admitting he is wrong now and apologising doesn't seem to generate any benefit to him at this time
3) He thinks that by acting like all is fine with him and this is your fault is a way for him to punish you and is actually him continuing his abuse towards you
4) admitting he has hurt you means having to connect with his compassion - something he has had to bury over time to be able to be abusive to you in the first place and not recompense for it. He is neither willing nor able to do this.

Incidentally, my abusive exabf didn't have a place to go either when I told him to go; I think he deliberately left it till last minute because he thought I would back peddle and he wouldn't have to go anywhere, or else I would take pity on him and let him stay longer. Neither worked - he ended up moving in with his dad and remained homeless going from sofa to sofa for almost a year. None of which were my problem, he made his own mess to deal with.

Stick to your guns, keep focusing on how good it feels to be free from his abuse. It is like a weight has lifted. I completely understand missing him, even though i knew all the horrid things my ex had done to me I still felt I loved him for a long time after we split. I now know that this was 'trauma bonding' and part of his abuse.

It gets better with time and you get stronger every day,

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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