It's my fault he drank
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
It's my fault he drank
He didn't drink for almost two years. The day after he got off probation, he drank. He got really really drunk (you know the story if you read my other post). I almost left him. I said I'd try it one more time because he finally took responsibility, said it wouldn't happen again, and hasn't had anything to drink since.
However, this is week three since he drank. We were just arguing because it's been a few months since he's been able to be attentive or even nice. He took a class that was really hard. So for months he's been really short tempered. He stresses more than he studies. Now, he's probably going to fail it. We talk everyday for at least an hour. It's mostly about him and how stressed he is about school. I try to help. Try to cheer him up. Nothing works. It's really draining. We don't really talk about me too much.
I finally told him that I'd had enough of the one-sided relationship and I wanted him to start participating in it 50/50. I said it wasn't good for me to live like that. He just said, "Well, maybe YOU'RE not good for ME. It wasn't until I got with you that I drank. It wasn't until I got with you that I failed a class. It wasn't..."
I told him, "That's an awful thing to say. That's just awful. Don't call me anymore." And I hung up. This just happened.
A part of me thinks it might just be my fault that he drank. That's so much responsibility, going through every day thinking that if I need to lean on him or if I get mad at him, it will be too much pressure and he'll have to drink. Because he's a recovering alcoholic, should I expect nothing from him and only be there for him?
He just sent me a text and said he was sorry. That he's just upset. But that's the thing about words right? They plant seeds. The seeds grow. You can't take back the words. What if I'm the reason he drank? What if I'm too demanding? It's too much...
I feel so sick right now. Now he's calling. Voicemail. Said it was a mean thing to say and he's sorry.
It's so emotionally unhealthy to have so many bad feelings all the time. The thing is that everything is actually going really well in my life. My life is better than it's ever been in terms of health and career. I've been going to the gym, I've gotten promoted, I have great friends, really spiritually rewarding hobbies, lots of projects to work on. He doesn't seem to care. He just seems miserable. I feel bad for seeming happy around him. Like I need to feel his misery with him. I'm afraid if I don't pick up the phone, he'll go drink tonight. He's convinced he's going to fail his class.
Sorry for rambling.
However, this is week three since he drank. We were just arguing because it's been a few months since he's been able to be attentive or even nice. He took a class that was really hard. So for months he's been really short tempered. He stresses more than he studies. Now, he's probably going to fail it. We talk everyday for at least an hour. It's mostly about him and how stressed he is about school. I try to help. Try to cheer him up. Nothing works. It's really draining. We don't really talk about me too much.
I finally told him that I'd had enough of the one-sided relationship and I wanted him to start participating in it 50/50. I said it wasn't good for me to live like that. He just said, "Well, maybe YOU'RE not good for ME. It wasn't until I got with you that I drank. It wasn't until I got with you that I failed a class. It wasn't..."
I told him, "That's an awful thing to say. That's just awful. Don't call me anymore." And I hung up. This just happened.
A part of me thinks it might just be my fault that he drank. That's so much responsibility, going through every day thinking that if I need to lean on him or if I get mad at him, it will be too much pressure and he'll have to drink. Because he's a recovering alcoholic, should I expect nothing from him and only be there for him?
He just sent me a text and said he was sorry. That he's just upset. But that's the thing about words right? They plant seeds. The seeds grow. You can't take back the words. What if I'm the reason he drank? What if I'm too demanding? It's too much...
I feel so sick right now. Now he's calling. Voicemail. Said it was a mean thing to say and he's sorry.
It's so emotionally unhealthy to have so many bad feelings all the time. The thing is that everything is actually going really well in my life. My life is better than it's ever been in terms of health and career. I've been going to the gym, I've gotten promoted, I have great friends, really spiritually rewarding hobbies, lots of projects to work on. He doesn't seem to care. He just seems miserable. I feel bad for seeming happy around him. Like I need to feel his misery with him. I'm afraid if I don't pick up the phone, he'll go drink tonight. He's convinced he's going to fail his class.
Sorry for rambling.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: southport merseyside
Posts: 536
Originally Posted by KeepPedaling 
He didn't drink for almost two years. The day after he got off probation, he drank. He got really really drunk (you know the story if you read my other post). I almost left him. I said I'd try it one more time because he finally took responsibility, said it wouldn't happen again, and hasn't had anything to drink since.
However, this is week three since he drank. We were just arguing because it's been a few months since he's been able to be attentive or even nice. He took a class that was really hard. So for months he's been really short tempered. He stresses more than he studies. Now, he's probably going to fail it. We talk everyday for at least an hour. It's mostly about him and how stressed he is about school. I try to help. Try to cheer him up. Nothing works. It's really draining. We don't really talk about me too much.
I finally told him that I'd had enough of the one-sided relationship and I wanted him to start participating in it 50/50. I said it wasn't good for me to live like that. He just said, "Well, maybe YOU'RE not good for ME. It wasn't until I got with you that I drank. It wasn't until I got with you that I failed a class. It wasn't..."
I told him, "That's an awful thing to say. That's just awful. Don't call me anymore." And I hung up. This just happened.
A part of me thinks it might just be my fault that he drank. That's so much responsibility, going through every day thinking that if I need to lean on him or if I get mad at him, it will be too much pressure and he'll have to drink. Because he's a recovering alcoholic, should I expect nothing from him and only be there for him?
He just sent me a text and said he was sorry. That he's just upset. But that's the thing about words right? They plant seeds. The seeds grow. You can't take back the words. What if I'm the reason he drank? What if I'm too demanding? It's too much...
I feel so sick right now. Now he's calling. Voicemail. Said it was a mean thing to say and he's sorry.
It's so emotionally unhealthy to have so many bad feelings all the time. The thing is that everything is actually going really well in my life. My life is better than it's ever been in terms of health and career. I've been going to the gym, I've gotten promoted, I have great friends, really spiritually rewarding hobbies, lots of projects to work on. He doesn't seem to care. He just seems miserable. I feel bad for seeming happy around him. Like I need to feel his misery with him. I'm afraid if I don't pick up the phone, he'll go drink tonight. He's convinced he's going to fail his class.
Sorry for rambling.
However, this is week three since he drank. We were just arguing because it's been a few months since he's been able to be attentive or even nice. He took a class that was really hard. So for months he's been really short tempered. He stresses more than he studies. Now, he's probably going to fail it. We talk everyday for at least an hour. It's mostly about him and how stressed he is about school. I try to help. Try to cheer him up. Nothing works. It's really draining. We don't really talk about me too much.
I finally told him that I'd had enough of the one-sided relationship and I wanted him to start participating in it 50/50. I said it wasn't good for me to live like that. He just said, "Well, maybe YOU'RE not good for ME. It wasn't until I got with you that I drank. It wasn't until I got with you that I failed a class. It wasn't..."
I told him, "That's an awful thing to say. That's just awful. Don't call me anymore." And I hung up. This just happened.
A part of me thinks it might just be my fault that he drank. That's so much responsibility, going through every day thinking that if I need to lean on him or if I get mad at him, it will be too much pressure and he'll have to drink. Because he's a recovering alcoholic, should I expect nothing from him and only be there for him?
He just sent me a text and said he was sorry. That he's just upset. But that's the thing about words right? They plant seeds. The seeds grow. You can't take back the words. What if I'm the reason he drank? What if I'm too demanding? It's too much...
I feel so sick right now. Now he's calling. Voicemail. Said it was a mean thing to say and he's sorry.
It's so emotionally unhealthy to have so many bad feelings all the time. The thing is that everything is actually going really well in my life. My life is better than it's ever been in terms of health and career. I've been going to the gym, I've gotten promoted, I have great friends, really spiritually rewarding hobbies, lots of projects to work on. He doesn't seem to care. He just seems miserable. I feel bad for seeming happy around him. Like I need to feel his misery with him. I'm afraid if I don't pick up the phone, he'll go drink tonight. He's convinced he's going to fail his class.
Sorry for rambling.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: new york
Posts: 5
I still can't believe how many times I jump online and check this forum that I feel like I'm reading my story...When my AH would come home it would feel like the air left the room,and I always felt responsible for changing his mood/attitude. I didn't talk about certain things lest they trigger a day/night of drinking. You sound like your life is together except for this, Mine on the other hand wasn't. My world got smaller and smaller as I took on more responsibilty to change/save my AH. We were together 17 yrs. I suspect your world may shrink if you don't start reading and learning about alcohol addiction and how it affects the family unit. It blows me away that there is all this info and help when for so many years I felt alone in this. All I had to do is look for it. My world got suddenly bigger when my "RAH" came home from a 3wk inpatient stay and left 5 days later. He found a recovery pal 20 years younger than me to get "healthy"with. After crying for 2 weeks and trying to make my bruised ego feel better I'm seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I've gone no communication and it helps. Maybe you should consider that. He really does need to figure this out by himself. I repeat the three C's to myself a couple of times a day and it's working. My home is relaxed and has plenty of air for myself and 2 dogs. Really think about what you want for your life and start to plan for it. You are only responsible for your feelings . Keep reading here It works!!!
Last edited by lostspirit; 12-03-2009 at 02:06 AM. Reason: incomplete
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Keep my exAH used to say similar things to me ALL THE TIME. It never got any better and I bore the brunt (and was the cause of) of every failure he perceived in his life.... even for his sagging sales. It...never....changes.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hey,
Sorry you are hurting.
My exabf said the same thing to me. I think many A's say that. Blaming, deflection, denial...How you choose to deal with it is your business. Whatever you decide, just be aware if/when it happens again and again. If it is a pattern that you don't like, please consider that.
Sorry you are hurting.
My exabf said the same thing to me. I think many A's say that. Blaming, deflection, denial...How you choose to deal with it is your business. Whatever you decide, just be aware if/when it happens again and again. If it is a pattern that you don't like, please consider that.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
You said: The thing is that everything is actually going really well in my life. My life is better than it's ever been in terms of health and career. I've been going to the gym, I've gotten promoted, I have great friends, really spiritually rewarding hobbies, lots of projects to work on.
That is your gratitude list. You have so much in your life to be grateful for. You see it, accept it and appreciate your life. Good on you!
Then there's this: A part of me thinks it might just be my fault that he drank. That's so much responsibility, going through every day thinking that if I need to lean on him or if I get mad at him, it will be too much pressure and he'll have to drink. Because he's a recovering alcoholic, should I expect nothing from him and only be there for him?
You are not powerful enough to force another adult into drinking. Adults drink because they make the choice to pick up and hold the beverage to their lips, then they make the choice to swallow. You can not control, cause or fix that.
Because he is a recovering alcoholic, his sponsor or AA buddy can be there for him when he is stressed. Another recovering alcoholic will understand what he is going through and be able to offer him the support he needs. I had to tell my RAXH that I could not be his sponsor. I told him that I have my own recovery work and support system and he needs to find his own.
Because he is a recovering alcoholic, you expect him to own his recovery.
That is your gratitude list. You have so much in your life to be grateful for. You see it, accept it and appreciate your life. Good on you!
Then there's this: A part of me thinks it might just be my fault that he drank. That's so much responsibility, going through every day thinking that if I need to lean on him or if I get mad at him, it will be too much pressure and he'll have to drink. Because he's a recovering alcoholic, should I expect nothing from him and only be there for him?
You are not powerful enough to force another adult into drinking. Adults drink because they make the choice to pick up and hold the beverage to their lips, then they make the choice to swallow. You can not control, cause or fix that.
Because he is a recovering alcoholic, his sponsor or AA buddy can be there for him when he is stressed. Another recovering alcoholic will understand what he is going through and be able to offer him the support he needs. I had to tell my RAXH that I could not be his sponsor. I told him that I have my own recovery work and support system and he needs to find his own.
Because he is a recovering alcoholic, you expect him to own his recovery.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
He says that stuff to take the focus off of him. This sounds like my X. We don't make them use. In Alanon we call them King Babies. There is a link somewhere about King Babies. When they say mean stuff it is like being slowly pecked to death . It chips away our esteem. If 51% of him wants to use he will. You didn't do it. He has to have a serious program...
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Sweetie he may not have drank for two years, 'while he was on probation' but did nothing to work on his ISM. Thus he is still the same MANIPULATING alcoholic he always was.
Please do not take on 'the guilt' because he is throwing it at you. He has not yet figured out that when he points a finger at you he has 3 pointing back at himself. HP willing some day he will.
Now ................................... what are you doing for you? Do you really want this chaos in your life?
Keep reading and posting here. You will find that most of us here have been through what you are going through, have been made the scapegoat, etc
I have found over the years that the best way I can deal with the 'toxic' people in my life is to work on me and continue to work on me today. I found therapy very helpful in the early years, and I also use Al-Anon.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Please do not take on 'the guilt' because he is throwing it at you. He has not yet figured out that when he points a finger at you he has 3 pointing back at himself. HP willing some day he will.
Now ................................... what are you doing for you? Do you really want this chaos in your life?
Keep reading and posting here. You will find that most of us here have been through what you are going through, have been made the scapegoat, etc
I have found over the years that the best way I can deal with the 'toxic' people in my life is to work on me and continue to work on me today. I found therapy very helpful in the early years, and I also use Al-Anon.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Sorry but were you sitting next to him with a gun to his head FORCING him to pour liquor down his throat? Obviously not.
I really hate this crap A's throw at their partners: "It's your fault I drank." "You don't know the stress I'm under" "I was so much better off without you" blah blah blah quack quack quack.
Sorry. /rant off.
Good for you for hanging up on him. Good for you for not talking to him. Turn the focus away from him, what he's doing, what he's thinking or what he MAY do/think/feel, and focus on yourself. I think you already have a notion that...you're awesome
I really hate this crap A's throw at their partners: "It's your fault I drank." "You don't know the stress I'm under" "I was so much better off without you" blah blah blah quack quack quack.
Sorry. /rant off.
Good for you for hanging up on him. Good for you for not talking to him. Turn the focus away from him, what he's doing, what he's thinking or what he MAY do/think/feel, and focus on yourself. I think you already have a notion that...you're awesome
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Lob that ole guilt ball back at him...the ball is in his court. It is in his power, his choice to drink or not. Work a recovery program or not.
If I am taking your inventory, and look at you...I don't need to, nor, will I ever look inward at myself. This is what we alcoholics do.
You are powerless over his drinking., and apparently so is he.
You didn't cause it,
you didn't create it,
and you can't cure it...
Peace to you...
If I am taking your inventory, and look at you...I don't need to, nor, will I ever look inward at myself. This is what we alcoholics do.
You are powerless over his drinking., and apparently so is he.
You didn't cause it,
you didn't create it,
and you can't cure it...
Peace to you...
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 82
Wow it is amazing sometimes how other stories are so darn familiar. It is just amazing how similar our stories are!
Ah yes drinking after getting off probation that is a familiar story. My AW got off early from probation (after her 3rd arrest) and started one heck of a bender. Of course this was my fault as it usually was when she was drinking hard.
But I do not fall into that trap anymore and I will not accept blame. The reaction I get is just amazing because she does not know how to act now that I have moved, detached, and under no circumstances do I accept any guilt. She is just baffled that she can no longer draw me in to her chaotic world.
Ah yes drinking after getting off probation that is a familiar story. My AW got off early from probation (after her 3rd arrest) and started one heck of a bender. Of course this was my fault as it usually was when she was drinking hard.
But I do not fall into that trap anymore and I will not accept blame. The reaction I get is just amazing because she does not know how to act now that I have moved, detached, and under no circumstances do I accept any guilt. She is just baffled that she can no longer draw me in to her chaotic world.
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
You can't blame the victim if there is no victim to blame... Don't play the game. He drinks because he wants to. He needs to figure out for himself to balance his life so he does well in school. He needs to be honest with himself, some people just don't have the specific aptitude to do well in some classes. He is making excuses so he doesn't have to be honest with himself. Just my take; again, don't play.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Thanks so much everyone for the quick responses. I read every one and they all helped. It's so nice to know I'm not alone in this and I'm not the only one who's ever gone through it. Intellectually, I know his behavior is not my fault, but emotionally, that's hard to remember sometimes. I'm glad you're here to remind me.
I really like the victim quote and the reminder about life balance:
He says it's just really really hard for him to fail at something because he never has failed at anything he's really tried to do.
He sent me an email to tell me again that he was sorry for what he said and that it was all his fault. I can't help but think he's being manipulative though. Knock her down, bring her back up, knock her down, bring her back up... You know what I mean? Or he just can't control himself when he loses his temper and just says whatever he thinks, regretting it later. Either way, it's not healthy for me.
I'm sad because he's been missing everything. Among "everything", last weekend, he couldn't go Christmas tree shopping with me because he procrastinated so much on his homework that he didn't have time all weekend. Last night, he couldn't be at all happy for me when I told him I made an offer on a condo. He only stressed that I could lose my earnest money check if blaa blaa blaa. My very first home. He's missing it today as I'm sitting here, excitedly and nervously waiting to hear if my offer is accepted and I'll finally have a home of my own. He's missing all the good things because all he can think about is all the negative stuff that he's generating right now. Ugh.
Well, keep your fingers crossed for me. The next time I write, I might be a proud home owner. And thank you again for being here. It really does help.
I really like the victim quote and the reminder about life balance:
Originally Posted by ElegantlyWasted
You can't blame the victim if there is no victim to blame... Don't play the game. He drinks because he wants to. He needs to figure out for himself to balance his life so he does well in school. He needs to be honest with himself, some people just don't have the specific aptitude to do well in some classes. He is making excuses so he doesn't have to be honest with himself. Just my take; again, don't play.
He sent me an email to tell me again that he was sorry for what he said and that it was all his fault. I can't help but think he's being manipulative though. Knock her down, bring her back up, knock her down, bring her back up... You know what I mean? Or he just can't control himself when he loses his temper and just says whatever he thinks, regretting it later. Either way, it's not healthy for me.
I'm sad because he's been missing everything. Among "everything", last weekend, he couldn't go Christmas tree shopping with me because he procrastinated so much on his homework that he didn't have time all weekend. Last night, he couldn't be at all happy for me when I told him I made an offer on a condo. He only stressed that I could lose my earnest money check if blaa blaa blaa. My very first home. He's missing it today as I'm sitting here, excitedly and nervously waiting to hear if my offer is accepted and I'll finally have a home of my own. He's missing all the good things because all he can think about is all the negative stuff that he's generating right now. Ugh.
Well, keep your fingers crossed for me. The next time I write, I might be a proud home owner. And thank you again for being here. It really does help.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by ElegantlyWasted
He is making excuses so he doesn't have to be honest with himself.
This is a classic case of guilt trip manipulation, turning tables onto you and mind games.
It is never, never your fault that he drinks. If I said to you, 'it is your fault I am on this forum because you post about things going on in your life; I wouldn't have to be here if you weren't posting' you would instantly see the insanity and pure callousness of that remark. It is my choice to be here and reply to you, (incidentally because I wish to empower partners of alcoholics and abusive men/women) just as it is your partners choice to drink when people/things/places aren't what he wants them to be.
Your gut instincts on this were bang on; he was way out of line saying what he did to you. I would hazzard a guess that this is not the first time he has attempted or even successfully made you believe that his actions and reactions are due to you.
This is about control.
He wants to drink. He does not want you to comment on it - heck I'll stretch that to say it is highly likely that he doesn't think you have a right to comment on it.
You are entitled to a happy life as we all are. You are right that this is emotionally unhealthy too. Therefore you have every right to say 'I can't do this anymore' or 'I cannot live with ----'. It is not your job nor your responsibility to make his life a happier more fulfilling place for HIM, but for YOURSELF.
He needs to take responsibility for his own happiness and learn that it is disrespectful and immature to expect another human to do that for him.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
When my AH would come home it would feel like the air left the room
Lostspirit, I froze when I read this. That's exactly what it felt like when XABF would walk in sometimes. Like a black hole.
You gave him another chance and he just slapped you in the face with it. It sounds like he has failed at a lot more than just some class. No more chances. No more apologies. No more.
I wish you nothing but good mojo on the house purchase!!!
Lostspirit, I froze when I read this. That's exactly what it felt like when XABF would walk in sometimes. Like a black hole.
You gave him another chance and he just slapped you in the face with it. It sounds like he has failed at a lot more than just some class. No more chances. No more apologies. No more.
I wish you nothing but good mojo on the house purchase!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
My husband started drinking 10 years before he met me because he had this psychic intuition that told him how miserable I'd make him in the future, and he wanted to get a head start on being able to cope with it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
wanting - that's a good one.
My AH is mad at ME because I called him on the carpet for drinking and lying and hiding. But he hid it because I didn't like it (or so he says).
I find I have always excused him by saying he's "sensitive". Because he is so "sensitive" I have to control the way I say things and what I say and when I say it so he doesn't flip his s**t. So he doesn't get HURT or MAD or stomp off or whatever.
Well, forget it. It's not my fault he... anything, just like its not yours. And I am done manipulating MYSELF on behalf of him! I decline, thank you very much. But darn did he have a good thing going. So I didn't go anywhere near the stuff that was off limits.
Tell me how much sense that makes.
Not our fault.
Can't fix it. Can't change it. Can't control it. Didn't cause it. Can't own it.
My AH is mad at ME because I called him on the carpet for drinking and lying and hiding. But he hid it because I didn't like it (or so he says).
I find I have always excused him by saying he's "sensitive". Because he is so "sensitive" I have to control the way I say things and what I say and when I say it so he doesn't flip his s**t. So he doesn't get HURT or MAD or stomp off or whatever.
Well, forget it. It's not my fault he... anything, just like its not yours. And I am done manipulating MYSELF on behalf of him! I decline, thank you very much. But darn did he have a good thing going. So I didn't go anywhere near the stuff that was off limits.
Tell me how much sense that makes.
Not our fault.
Can't fix it. Can't change it. Can't control it. Didn't cause it. Can't own it.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Anyone in a relationship has the right to be treated with respect and to demand it without having to worry over their partners angry or violent reaction (throwing things, getting in your face, punching walls and general intimidation tactics are acts of violence as well as physical acts). Stomping off, refusing to let you finish or say how you feel are standard lack of respect for your feelings and rights.
Alcohol abuse or recovery from doesn't change those rights.
You are not messing with anyone's sobriety or pushing them toward drink by standing up for yourself and ensuring you are treated well; despite what you may here from your A/RA.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxx
Alcohol abuse or recovery from doesn't change those rights.
You are not messing with anyone's sobriety or pushing them toward drink by standing up for yourself and ensuring you are treated well; despite what you may here from your A/RA.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxx
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