Mina1020

I'm new here, and found this site today. I left my (now ex) ABF two days ago after three years together. I asked him to leave after one of countless nights of alcohol fueled rage, throwing things across the room, some in my direction, screaming nasty slurs at me, etc...

I'm so raw from everything. Sleep is difficult, eating is difficult...I'm trying to force all the really good times we had out of my head and keep only the images/sounds of his rage directed at me. I feel stupid for letting it go on so long. I feel alone. Part of me misses him, the sober side of him who was incredibly charming and made me feel so loved. I just couldn't do it anymore.

I had to file a police report for harrassment..something I've never done before..because he left countless drunk, profane messages on my home and work voicemails in the middle of the night. Now I have to worry about being arrested for 'kicking' him out, despite his not being on the lease, despite his screaming and throwing things, damaging property, etc... because of the laws of this state. I've never had to deal with anything like this before in my life.

I'm so angry at myself for letting him become everything to me...for not having the courage to leave sooner because the good times were so good, for letting him take away my self-worth and think I would have nothing without him, for a lot of things.

I suppose I just feel lost...and I need help finding my way back. I NEED to get myself back. She's in there somewhere. I don't want to feel afraid anymore.

Any words of wisdom are truly appreciated.

ElegantlyWasted

Try alanon. Time does heal. Find people who have been where your are now and have moved on to something better. I'm sure some who fit that category will post shortly. A lot of great people here and accordingly amazing support and wisdom. I log in daily, try to post something meaningful, and learn something new every day. Welcome!

nodaybut2day

Hi Mina and Welcome to SR! I'm so glad you found this place, especially in the middle of the crisis you're going through. The people here are wonderfully supportive and friendly.

I'm so proud of you for leaving your X. That took some definite strength.

As for what you describe feeling, it's all normal. I think we can all attest to feeling stupid for letting ourselves get fooled by seductive manipulative alcoholics. Heck, my first screen name when I came to Sober Recovery was "imtheidiot" because I really did feel like a moron for believing all the lies I was told, and forgiving all the things my X did to me. But, what's done is done, and I think it happened for a purpose: I'm learning a lot about myself, about the men I gravitate towards, and about how to break the cycle of codependence.

As for letting your X back into your life, what does the law in your state say? He's not on the lease, so the place is legally yours, right?

Since he's being a pain, I'll recommend what was recommended to me: document everything. Start a handwritten journal of all the things that were said, done, thrown, broken, with dates and times if possible. If ever you need proof of this man's abuse and harassment towards you, this log will come in REAL handy.

I sincerely hope you keep coming back here, keep reading the stickies at the top of this forum and keep posting! I'm so glad you found us.

FindingPeace1

Welcome!
It appears you are seeing clearly.
You need to protect you.
This is not your fault or responsibility.
You can extract yourself from this man and his drama and abuse and live a life you deserve. You deserve goodness in your life. You are worth it. No one deserves that junk.

My story is a bit different. My husband is a gem, when he's not getting called on the carpet for drinking/hiding it/lying about it, in which case he's defensive, angry, and manipulative. But even in my "good" relationship, I realized that I deserve more. I deserve a partner who will be real with me, who will be honest, who will be open, and who will deal with the junk that needs to be dealt with. I am learning to stand up for that and make choices to ensure that I get that in my life. I deserve a mature relationship.

You do, too.

Stick around. The love and support and listening and understanding from this crew is unparalleled. There are 1,000,000 stories and you'll find yours again and again. What you'll find is that you're not alone and your story is not unique. We're all dealing with similar issues and the way to deal with all our issues is the same: listen to ourselves, learn from our own behavior, value ourselves and make choices that honor ourselves.

More folks will be along soon to give you encouragement, I'm sure.

Emeraldstorm

Don't feel alone!!

I'm new here as well, and the support I get from here helps a lot! I'm thinking about trying Al-anon tonight! There is a beginner meeting in my town!! You should check it out too!

I know how hard it is to leave. All the good times stay with me as well, but we are better than this!! We both have huge hearts and we have stuck with it way too long!! We can't keep letting it drag us down! This is OUR life! Our one shot!! Life is too short!! (I tell myself that all the time!)

Trust me though, it's not easy and I'm still in the process of slowly making my way out of my situation...

Surround yourself with people who support you!!! I do!! : )

NYC_Chick

Hi and welcome!

Go get a restraining order against him. This will prevent him from being allowed back in your apartment should he call the police. I also live in the city and my fiend jus went through this with her alcoholic husband. She chose to leave, but was advised that if she had the order of protection and was the leaseholder, he would have been forced to stay out. 1 day in family court is all it takes.

Linkmeister

Welcome to SR, Mina. There's lots of wisdom, experience, strength and hope here to encourage you, to know that you're not alone in this. Be gentle with yourself now - you will get through this.

Al-Anon was and is a great source of strength and support to me and to others here at SR.

Reading Co-Dependent No More opened my eyes to my part in this tangled tango of a relationship with an alcoholic.

Remember that you didn't cause his drinking, you can't control his drinking nor can you cure his drinking.

Me- Two weeks ago, I finally dumped exABF of 2 years - in that time, there were numerous relapses - him with alcohol and my relapse was in judgment for letting this relationship continue. There were 2 stints at rehab, numerous promises to quit and yes, I continued the relationship.

I'm slowly dealing with that, why I stayed as long as I did and yes, I felt the anger you're feeling toward yourself for caring, for giving a damn and for loving him.

I was subject to verbal and emotional abuse and at the end of August, threats of physical harm to me and my dog because I told him to leave our place. He refused to leave so I called the police-first time for me to do something like that - he was escorted away and returned later on-called 911 and he was removed again. I refused to let him back in our place and he ended up in a homeless shelter.

Thought he was on the right track to recovery with AA after that but about three weeks ago, things started all over again. The drinking, the emotional abuse, the controlling, the pleading, the manipulation and since we each had our own places, I had the choice to hang up the phone, to block him on MSN and email - in other words, not to enable him and hard has it has been for me to do that, it's helped me accept the things I can't change - his drinking and the things I can change-my recovery and refusal to enable his behaviour any longer.

Hugs coming your way.........

RollTide

I could have written what Linkmeister said.