Very sad
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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Very sad-had to boot my brother today
My brother has shared our home for 3 years. (He's 48 now.) This past February, after LOADS of drama, he entered rehab for alcohol and drugs.
Because we found out that he had been selling pot from here, I threatened not to let him move back in with us once he got out of rehab.
He asked for another chance, and after speaking with his counselor and setting up some ground rules, we agreed to give him another chance. One of the rules was absolutely no alcohol or drugs on our property, and if we found out about any, he'd have to move. His counselor told us that these were good rules, and my brother agreed to them before moving back in with us.
Today I saw two boxes full of empty beer cans in his entryway. They were right in plain sight. (He's very smart and sneaky, so I'm not sure why he was so careless leaving empties where I'd see them, unless he wanted me to see them.)
We figured he'd try to say they belonged to somebody else, so I looked in his refrigerator--there was beer in there.
My sister also found a pot pipe and a baggie hidden in a cigarette pack. I thought I had smelled pot coming from his apartment one night recently, but thought I was imagining it. I guess I wasn't.
I'm tired of being a doormat, and getting taken advantage of by my brother. Though I love him dearly, I can't live with the drama of his drinking/drugging any more. He broke our trust (again), and needs to find a new place to live.
I told him he has until the end of this month to find a new place to live, and that we'd be changing the locks on December 1st. I knew without that specific deadline he wouldn't bother looking for a new place. He'd figure it would just blow over and I wouldn't mention it again.
I know I'll probably never understand what goes on in an alcoholic's mind. I don't know why he put his place to live at risk by going back to drinking. All I know is that I'm VERY sad tonight. I'm doing my best to tell myself that I'm not being a "bad guy", and it's not my fault that he chose to drink again even after knowing what the rules are. I hate having to boot my brother out of our house right before the holidays.
I just feel sad and awful tonight. I also tend to teeter, and second guess myself about whether we did the right thing. That's why I'm writing tonight.
Did I do the right thing?
Becky
Because we found out that he had been selling pot from here, I threatened not to let him move back in with us once he got out of rehab.
He asked for another chance, and after speaking with his counselor and setting up some ground rules, we agreed to give him another chance. One of the rules was absolutely no alcohol or drugs on our property, and if we found out about any, he'd have to move. His counselor told us that these were good rules, and my brother agreed to them before moving back in with us.
Today I saw two boxes full of empty beer cans in his entryway. They were right in plain sight. (He's very smart and sneaky, so I'm not sure why he was so careless leaving empties where I'd see them, unless he wanted me to see them.)
We figured he'd try to say they belonged to somebody else, so I looked in his refrigerator--there was beer in there.
My sister also found a pot pipe and a baggie hidden in a cigarette pack. I thought I had smelled pot coming from his apartment one night recently, but thought I was imagining it. I guess I wasn't.
I'm tired of being a doormat, and getting taken advantage of by my brother. Though I love him dearly, I can't live with the drama of his drinking/drugging any more. He broke our trust (again), and needs to find a new place to live.
I told him he has until the end of this month to find a new place to live, and that we'd be changing the locks on December 1st. I knew without that specific deadline he wouldn't bother looking for a new place. He'd figure it would just blow over and I wouldn't mention it again.
I know I'll probably never understand what goes on in an alcoholic's mind. I don't know why he put his place to live at risk by going back to drinking. All I know is that I'm VERY sad tonight. I'm doing my best to tell myself that I'm not being a "bad guy", and it's not my fault that he chose to drink again even after knowing what the rules are. I hate having to boot my brother out of our house right before the holidays.
I just feel sad and awful tonight. I also tend to teeter, and second guess myself about whether we did the right thing. That's why I'm writing tonight.
Did I do the right thing?
Becky
Last edited by vtsister; 11-16-2009 at 04:21 PM.
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Location: Boston
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Yes Becky you're doing the right thing.
I had to kick one of my brothers out of my house a long time ago. It was very painful. But I just couldn't take the insanity another minute longer and I felt like I was enabling the alcoholism by continuing to give him an easy out, an easy place to crash.
Doesn't make it any easier or less painful to do the right thing...the normal rules just don't apply when you're dealing with an addict... because they are incapable of keeping their end of a bargain...
:-(
(((((hugs)))) and trust that this time he will land right where the universe thinks he should be and learn whatever it is he needs to learn at this moment...we can't second guess what a person chooses and he clearly chose to be kicked out since you made a simple rule that he agreed to.
peace-
b
I had to kick one of my brothers out of my house a long time ago. It was very painful. But I just couldn't take the insanity another minute longer and I felt like I was enabling the alcoholism by continuing to give him an easy out, an easy place to crash.
Doesn't make it any easier or less painful to do the right thing...the normal rules just don't apply when you're dealing with an addict... because they are incapable of keeping their end of a bargain...
:-(
(((((hugs)))) and trust that this time he will land right where the universe thinks he should be and learn whatever it is he needs to learn at this moment...we can't second guess what a person chooses and he clearly chose to be kicked out since you made a simple rule that he agreed to.
peace-
b
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
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You are doing the right thing for you. You make good decisions.
It's the alcoholic's blame shifting that keeps us second guessing ourselves.
Be gentle with yourself about the upcoming holidays. To an active alcoholic and user, it's just another day to drink. He'll find another place to land and continue his journey until he is really ready for sobriety.:ghug3
It's the alcoholic's blame shifting that keeps us second guessing ourselves.
Be gentle with yourself about the upcoming holidays. To an active alcoholic and user, it's just another day to drink. He'll find another place to land and continue his journey until he is really ready for sobriety.:ghug3
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 86
Thank you for all the replies.
My brother just sent me a very long e-mail, laying on the guilt REAL THICK! He's making all sorts of excuses about how life is so hard for him, recovery is "not easy and not perfect", how is he supposed to tell his 4 year old son that his daddy is homeless right before the holidays, and a whole lot more.
He's dragging in all sorts of stuff that doesn't have a lot to do with this issue, except that he's deflecting the results of his choice off onto me, and anyone else.
He even asked me how it would feel if I lost my home because I baked a batch of cookies. Because I am fat, he says this is my "drug of choice", and that it's equal to his battle with alcohol and drugs.
Now he's asking if there's "any way we can resolve this", and telling me he "needs more time". Right before he left rehab, the rule was that if alcohol and/or drugs were found here, he'd have ONE WEEK to move out, so giving him two weeks is actually more than what was said.
The thing is, our parents live only four miles away, and they have plenty of room in their house. My brother doesn't have to be "homeless" just because he has to leave my house. He could always go stay with my parents, but of course he won't do that because they'd question his activities.
This is at least the third major time that he's received "another chance" from us, and he's blown it again just like he always does. I'm not inclined to give him any more time, even though asking him to move out is one of the hardest things I've had to do.
It's not that we don't like having him here. We do. It's just that I made rules before he left rehab, and now here he is expecting me to not stick to them. I've been a doormat with him before, allowing him to take advantage of me--many times. I'm through with being a doormat.
I hope I have the strength not to knuckle under to him when he lays guilt trips on me and gives me that oh-woe-is-me look.
My brother just sent me a very long e-mail, laying on the guilt REAL THICK! He's making all sorts of excuses about how life is so hard for him, recovery is "not easy and not perfect", how is he supposed to tell his 4 year old son that his daddy is homeless right before the holidays, and a whole lot more.
He's dragging in all sorts of stuff that doesn't have a lot to do with this issue, except that he's deflecting the results of his choice off onto me, and anyone else.
He even asked me how it would feel if I lost my home because I baked a batch of cookies. Because I am fat, he says this is my "drug of choice", and that it's equal to his battle with alcohol and drugs.
Now he's asking if there's "any way we can resolve this", and telling me he "needs more time". Right before he left rehab, the rule was that if alcohol and/or drugs were found here, he'd have ONE WEEK to move out, so giving him two weeks is actually more than what was said.
The thing is, our parents live only four miles away, and they have plenty of room in their house. My brother doesn't have to be "homeless" just because he has to leave my house. He could always go stay with my parents, but of course he won't do that because they'd question his activities.
This is at least the third major time that he's received "another chance" from us, and he's blown it again just like he always does. I'm not inclined to give him any more time, even though asking him to move out is one of the hardest things I've had to do.
It's not that we don't like having him here. We do. It's just that I made rules before he left rehab, and now here he is expecting me to not stick to them. I've been a doormat with him before, allowing him to take advantage of me--many times. I'm through with being a doormat.
I hope I have the strength not to knuckle under to him when he lays guilt trips on me and gives me that oh-woe-is-me look.
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Becky - it really is up to you whether you want to REALLY help him or not. You sound like you love your brother very much. If so, yes, you do need to kick him out just as you said you would. In actuality, you should have only given him one week....just as you said you would.
I had to kick my 19 year old son out. Do you think that was easy? He had no money and no job. All he had was a gas-guzzling suburban to sleep in...but no gas money and no food money. I gave him ONE HOUR to pack and leave. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. He's been living in a sober house for the last 3 months and is doing much better. He's sober and is going back to school in January. We are both so much better off than if we'd have continued to do battle here at the house.
Your brother is 48 for goodness sake! Time to grow up!
I had to kick my 19 year old son out. Do you think that was easy? He had no money and no job. All he had was a gas-guzzling suburban to sleep in...but no gas money and no food money. I gave him ONE HOUR to pack and leave. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. He's been living in a sober house for the last 3 months and is doing much better. He's sober and is going back to school in January. We are both so much better off than if we'd have continued to do battle here at the house.
Your brother is 48 for goodness sake! Time to grow up!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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I couldn't imagine the pain of having to kick your son out.
I guess my brother is trying the dramatic angle right now. It's nearly 10pm, but I've been hearing a lot of banging around down there. I looked out my window, and he's out there tossing things out of the entryway to his apartment. He's in contracting, so he's had a bunch of lumber and assorted tools and stuff, plus some cupboards that he's been wanting to install in his place. That's all getting tossed out into the yard right now.
Yes, I do love my brother very much. One of my sisters came over tonight to give me moral support while I told my brother he'd have to move. We're both sick about this, but we both agree that at this point we're just enabling him more if we let him stay.
The last couple of times we went through this with him, I always had hope that he'd change, and actually stay away from the drinking and drugs. This time I know enough to know that letting him stay here wouldn't help him to change at all.
I dread telling my parents about this. They are elderly, and are comforted knowing that my brother "has a place to live" close by them. My father is very unwell, and my mother is under way too much stress as it is caring for him. Knowing that my brother has to move out of our house is not going to be good for either of the folks.
I guess my brother is trying the dramatic angle right now. It's nearly 10pm, but I've been hearing a lot of banging around down there. I looked out my window, and he's out there tossing things out of the entryway to his apartment. He's in contracting, so he's had a bunch of lumber and assorted tools and stuff, plus some cupboards that he's been wanting to install in his place. That's all getting tossed out into the yard right now.
Yes, I do love my brother very much. One of my sisters came over tonight to give me moral support while I told my brother he'd have to move. We're both sick about this, but we both agree that at this point we're just enabling him more if we let him stay.
The last couple of times we went through this with him, I always had hope that he'd change, and actually stay away from the drinking and drugs. This time I know enough to know that letting him stay here wouldn't help him to change at all.
I dread telling my parents about this. They are elderly, and are comforted knowing that my brother "has a place to live" close by them. My father is very unwell, and my mother is under way too much stress as it is caring for him. Knowing that my brother has to move out of our house is not going to be good for either of the folks.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
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My brother just sent me a very long e-mail, laying on the guilt REAL THICK! He's making all sorts of excuses about how life is so hard for him, recovery is "not easy and not perfect", how is he supposed to tell his 4 year old son that his daddy is homeless right before the holidays, and a whole lot more.
He's dragging in all sorts of stuff that doesn't have a lot to do with this issue, except that he's deflecting the results of his choice off onto me, and anyone else.
He even asked me how it would feel if I lost my home because I baked a batch of cookies. Because I am fat, he says this is my "drug of choice", and that it's equal to his battle with alcohol and drugs.
Oh bother! Or should I say Oh Brother!
Here comes the quacking.
At SR we refer to the active alcoholics manipulations and lies as quacking. Picture the big white AFLAC duck - quack, quack, quack....
That is what your brother is doing when he lays on the guilt and tries to get you to back down. I recommend you brace yourself because the quacking will become louder and louder the more desperate he becomes to keep his cushy living arrangement.
Do you attend Al-anon meetings for support? I do recommend their meetings for face to face support and daily reading materials. Of course, we're here too!
Are you able to detach from his e-mails (quacking) and keep all contact to a minimum for the duration of the two week notice?
He's dragging in all sorts of stuff that doesn't have a lot to do with this issue, except that he's deflecting the results of his choice off onto me, and anyone else.
He even asked me how it would feel if I lost my home because I baked a batch of cookies. Because I am fat, he says this is my "drug of choice", and that it's equal to his battle with alcohol and drugs.
Oh bother! Or should I say Oh Brother!
Here comes the quacking.
At SR we refer to the active alcoholics manipulations and lies as quacking. Picture the big white AFLAC duck - quack, quack, quack....
That is what your brother is doing when he lays on the guilt and tries to get you to back down. I recommend you brace yourself because the quacking will become louder and louder the more desperate he becomes to keep his cushy living arrangement.
Do you attend Al-anon meetings for support? I do recommend their meetings for face to face support and daily reading materials. Of course, we're here too!
Are you able to detach from his e-mails (quacking) and keep all contact to a minimum for the duration of the two week notice?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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Quacking--what a good name for it! And that's exactly what it was like getting that e-mail from him.
I'm glad you warned me to be prepared for even more of it. I don't really know how to act towards him right now. It's going to feel very fake to try and be light and airy, as if everything's all right, but on the other hand, I don't want him to think I'm angry, because it's not really anger right now. It's just exhaustion over dealing with his issues and drama for the last three years, and I've had enough.
The funny thing is, I had just been delivering fresh baked cookies to him this afternoon when I saw the empty beer cans in his entry way. If I hadn't gone down there today, he most likely would have taken his empties with him in the morning and I still wouldn't know for sure that he was drinking again. We've all had our suspicions for the last couple or so months, but I guess we didn't really want to believe it. Plus, he's really good at covering up and throwing us off the track.
Does anyone here have any idea why a person would leave his empties out in plain sight when he knows it would cause him to get booted out if we saw them?
I'm glad you warned me to be prepared for even more of it. I don't really know how to act towards him right now. It's going to feel very fake to try and be light and airy, as if everything's all right, but on the other hand, I don't want him to think I'm angry, because it's not really anger right now. It's just exhaustion over dealing with his issues and drama for the last three years, and I've had enough.
The funny thing is, I had just been delivering fresh baked cookies to him this afternoon when I saw the empty beer cans in his entry way. If I hadn't gone down there today, he most likely would have taken his empties with him in the morning and I still wouldn't know for sure that he was drinking again. We've all had our suspicions for the last couple or so months, but I guess we didn't really want to believe it. Plus, he's really good at covering up and throwing us off the track.
Does anyone here have any idea why a person would leave his empties out in plain sight when he knows it would cause him to get booted out if we saw them?
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Oh, boy, I already got another e-mail from my brother. He's pulling the "poor me" routine now, telling me how he's not going to bother anybody else in the "family" (he put that in quotation marks), then told me he's "not going to bother" me any more, etc., plus a bunch of other guilt trip stuff that makes me sad.
The New Me starting 1/11/09
Join Date: Oct 2009
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Stop reading his emails. Don't try to understand "why" an alcholic / addict does anything. You set a very reasonable and well explained boundary. He crossed it.
Don't enable. Don't analyze. Just act.
You might suggest to him that your Dec 1 date can be moved up if his behavior doesn't improve.
Don't enable. Don't analyze. Just act.
You might suggest to him that your Dec 1 date can be moved up if his behavior doesn't improve.
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I agree with me1119. Let go of trying to understand. You are trying to understand that decisions and actions of someone who is essentially mentally ill. If you found out he did it because the sky is blue, would that provide you the closure you're looking for?
Is there anyone you can trust who can filter his emails for you? As in briefly skim them and relay only the relevant bits back to you? It's a good idea because then you don't have to inadvertently absorb the blows of his quacking.
What is the number one priority in an alcoholic's life? To maintain the drinking lifestyle. So yes he will fight tooth and nail with all the emotional manipulation he knows to get you to cave and go back to that lifestyle. "Family" doesn't = putting up the endless bullsh*t. Repeat as often as needed: Family is not a license for abuse.
Is there anyone you can trust who can filter his emails for you? As in briefly skim them and relay only the relevant bits back to you? It's a good idea because then you don't have to inadvertently absorb the blows of his quacking.
What is the number one priority in an alcoholic's life? To maintain the drinking lifestyle. So yes he will fight tooth and nail with all the emotional manipulation he knows to get you to cave and go back to that lifestyle. "Family" doesn't = putting up the endless bullsh*t. Repeat as often as needed: Family is not a license for abuse.
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You did the right thing, and you deserve to live a life without his drinking and drugging--these are his choices (to continue to use)--and you can choose to not live with that. It's so hard, I know. But don't second guess yourself. Hugs.
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One of my brother's points to me last night was that, even though he's back to drinking, he's been paying his bills, paying his share of the expenses here, etc.--and that's true. Except for the fact that I saw those empties yesterday, everything would be fine and normal. I'd have my suspicions, but no concrete knowledge that he had broken the rule that he agreed to when he left rehab.
This morning I'm wondering if *I* am acting hastily, upsetting all our lives, especially his, just because I'm trying not to be a doormat. It was hard to sleep last night worrying about him.
One thing that makes me angry though is that last night when he tossed out that bunch of lumber and cupboards and stuff onto the lawn, he expects US to dispose of them. I guess that's not really a major thing, probably just a small way that he can get back at me and take his anger out on us.
This morning I'm wondering if *I* am acting hastily, upsetting all our lives, especially his, just because I'm trying not to be a doormat. It was hard to sleep last night worrying about him.
One thing that makes me angry though is that last night when he tossed out that bunch of lumber and cupboards and stuff onto the lawn, he expects US to dispose of them. I guess that's not really a major thing, probably just a small way that he can get back at me and take his anger out on us.
Nature Girl
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What helped me, when it was necessary for my son to leave our home is to put it in perspective....he had choices, he had very good options that were healthy and good for him and for us, he had the choice...and he chose to break the deal. Having made that choice, he chose to be evicted.
HE chose. HE was responsible for his behaviour, no matter how pathetic, no matter what his excuses were...he chose the option that would cause him to have to live someplace else.
Our homes are our safe places, where we should feel peace and not have to worry about drugs and alcohol. Our homes are OUR homes, and anyone who disrupts the peace there should be living somewhere else.
You did the right thing. Your boundaries were fair to all concerned. He agreed to abide by the rules you requested. He alone made the bad choice to break the deal.
You are not putting him out...he chose to leave when he chose to use.
It's about perspective, something we all tend to lose in the blur of chaos.
You are not responsible for his behaviour, his relapse, or his accountability to his son.
He alone can be a living amend to his son. He knows the drill of recovery, now it's up to him to be a man and take responsibility for his actions...past and future. You are doing him a favour by allowing him to learn from the consequences of his actions. It very well may save his life.
Hugs and lots of prayers because I know this is so very hard.
HE chose. HE was responsible for his behaviour, no matter how pathetic, no matter what his excuses were...he chose the option that would cause him to have to live someplace else.
Our homes are our safe places, where we should feel peace and not have to worry about drugs and alcohol. Our homes are OUR homes, and anyone who disrupts the peace there should be living somewhere else.
You did the right thing. Your boundaries were fair to all concerned. He agreed to abide by the rules you requested. He alone made the bad choice to break the deal.
You are not putting him out...he chose to leave when he chose to use.
It's about perspective, something we all tend to lose in the blur of chaos.
You are not responsible for his behaviour, his relapse, or his accountability to his son.
He's making all sorts of excuses about how life is so hard for him, recovery is "not easy and not perfect", how is he supposed to tell his 4 year old son that his daddy is homeless right before the holidays, and a whole lot more.
Hugs and lots of prayers because I know this is so very hard.
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"He chose to leave when he chose to use" is a good thing for me to remember.
It's hard, but I'm going to stick with this. It's time for him to grow up and stand on his own two feet.
Do you think that giving him only two weeks to get out of here is too little time? Without a hard deadline, he won't take any action, but I also don't want to be unreasonable.
It's hard, but I'm going to stick with this. It's time for him to grow up and stand on his own two feet.
Do you think that giving him only two weeks to get out of here is too little time? Without a hard deadline, he won't take any action, but I also don't want to be unreasonable.
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