Wishing I could cut ties
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Osakis, MN
Posts: 12
Wishing I could cut ties
I've been coming here off and on for the past five years, as I and my family have been dealing with the constant rollercoaster of my brother's chronic alcoholism. He's 53 years old, been in in-patient treatment four times, with his longest period of sobriety being 3 1/2 years after his second stint in treatment. He relapsed last fall, did a 30-day treatment, got out and was drinking again in less than a week. We (my mother, sister and me) stepped back from him at that time, as we didn't feel there was anything more we could do for him.
On Easter Sunday this year, my mom (age 83) and I were in a restaurant when we were approached by someone who had been trying to help my brother get back into recovery. He said brother was in a very bad state -- had been in and out of detox again and again -- and that if something weren't done he wouldn't live long. At that point we felt we had to step in again.
We got him into a three-month in-patient treatment program (local; I would have preferred far away). We cleaned out his apartment, stored his stuff, cleaned up his mess. Meanwhile, he thrives in the treatment environment -- no worries, he's taken care of, he gets a lot of attention.
After his release from that program, he moved into a sober house, where we hoped he'd stay for a long time because he has shown he does NOT do well living on his own. But a month after moving in, he left the place and got an apartment - said the place was too noisy for him to be able to study (he'd gone back to school to become a counselor). He told us another guy would be moving in at the end of the month as his roommate.
Fast forward six weeks: the roommate never materialized, he's thinking of quitting school and "getting a job" (something he was never able to accomplish the last time he was out of treatment). He's depressed and his chronic back pain is bothering him. He's isolating himself (not responding to my mother's increasingly desperate emails). Two weeks ago at a public event I was approached by the same guy who had talked to us at Easter, asking if I had heard from my brother because he's been trying to get in touch with him and can't reach him. Brother posted on Facebook that he's listening to music from the "old days" and crying. I don't KNOW that he's drinking again, but you do the math.
My brother has shown he cannot/will not manage his own life. I believe he is going to die of this disease. Although I love him very much, I want to cut ties with him, because I can't help him and he won't help himself and I don't want to watch him die. The problem is that while he's in this area (small town), I can't avoid being affected by his problems -- hearing from people like the guy above, dealing with businesses he's stiffed, etc. And I can't leave the area because I'm caring for my mother, have a job and a house, etc.
My mother is very stressed about this, but we respond differently. She'd rather know what's going on, while I'd love to avoid it completely. I don't go on Facebook because I'm afraid of what I'll see there. I don't go to places where I might see someone who knows something. I can't even go in the local convenience store, because there's a woman working there that he used while he was drinking the last time. I don't want my life to be about my brother's problems, but I can't seem to escape them. I'm becoming a recluse in an effort to keep from having to deal with this.
I've tried going to Al-Anon, but find it only increases my depression and anxiety to hear so many stories of others dealing with this same crap for years and years and years and years ... Have tried counseling, but can't afford it on an ongoing basis.
The holidays are coming around again -- they have been a nightmare for the past several years, as brother always dominates the season: my mom always feels she has to ask him to join us. If he doesn't show up (and he won't), we're all be upset.
Don't know that there's really a point to this post. Just needed to vent, I guess.
c020:
On Easter Sunday this year, my mom (age 83) and I were in a restaurant when we were approached by someone who had been trying to help my brother get back into recovery. He said brother was in a very bad state -- had been in and out of detox again and again -- and that if something weren't done he wouldn't live long. At that point we felt we had to step in again.
We got him into a three-month in-patient treatment program (local; I would have preferred far away). We cleaned out his apartment, stored his stuff, cleaned up his mess. Meanwhile, he thrives in the treatment environment -- no worries, he's taken care of, he gets a lot of attention.
After his release from that program, he moved into a sober house, where we hoped he'd stay for a long time because he has shown he does NOT do well living on his own. But a month after moving in, he left the place and got an apartment - said the place was too noisy for him to be able to study (he'd gone back to school to become a counselor). He told us another guy would be moving in at the end of the month as his roommate.
Fast forward six weeks: the roommate never materialized, he's thinking of quitting school and "getting a job" (something he was never able to accomplish the last time he was out of treatment). He's depressed and his chronic back pain is bothering him. He's isolating himself (not responding to my mother's increasingly desperate emails). Two weeks ago at a public event I was approached by the same guy who had talked to us at Easter, asking if I had heard from my brother because he's been trying to get in touch with him and can't reach him. Brother posted on Facebook that he's listening to music from the "old days" and crying. I don't KNOW that he's drinking again, but you do the math.
My brother has shown he cannot/will not manage his own life. I believe he is going to die of this disease. Although I love him very much, I want to cut ties with him, because I can't help him and he won't help himself and I don't want to watch him die. The problem is that while he's in this area (small town), I can't avoid being affected by his problems -- hearing from people like the guy above, dealing with businesses he's stiffed, etc. And I can't leave the area because I'm caring for my mother, have a job and a house, etc.
My mother is very stressed about this, but we respond differently. She'd rather know what's going on, while I'd love to avoid it completely. I don't go on Facebook because I'm afraid of what I'll see there. I don't go to places where I might see someone who knows something. I can't even go in the local convenience store, because there's a woman working there that he used while he was drinking the last time. I don't want my life to be about my brother's problems, but I can't seem to escape them. I'm becoming a recluse in an effort to keep from having to deal with this.
I've tried going to Al-Anon, but find it only increases my depression and anxiety to hear so many stories of others dealing with this same crap for years and years and years and years ... Have tried counseling, but can't afford it on an ongoing basis.
The holidays are coming around again -- they have been a nightmare for the past several years, as brother always dominates the season: my mom always feels she has to ask him to join us. If he doesn't show up (and he won't), we're all be upset.
Don't know that there's really a point to this post. Just needed to vent, I guess.
c020:
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
I don't go on Facebook because I'm afraid of what I'll see there. I don't go to places where I might see someone who knows something. I can't even go in the local convenience store, because there's a woman working there that he used while he was drinking the last time. I don't want my life to be about my brother's problems, but I can't seem to escape them. I'm becoming a recluse in an effort to keep from having to deal with this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
I'm sure that Al-Anon is not for everyone but.....it's the only place I know of where I can go to hear how others _have_ successfully coped with this disease. Of course there will be those sad stories shared, but I find that I learn from those too.
I'm sure that others learned what not to do by listening to what I sometimes had to say...just as much as they were also encouraged by my own growth and progress.
My point is beyond suggesting that you try Al-Anon again and maybe do more than just try it....but instead to stick around awhile, go to lots of meetings, try out different meetings available in your area or in the next town if you like.
I found going to meetings to be not only the best source of support but also the most economical. Tossing a dollar or two into a basket for one hour's worth of unconditional acceptance, help & support is a great value. jmho
About talking with others...
I've run into people that had contacts with my son both before/during and even after he stopped using drugs. I've found it helpful to not engage in those conversations; not unless I am sure that it's going to be a positive thing for _me_.
There's simply no valid reason for someone else to be discussing such things with me about someone else- especially a loved one in trouble with alcohol or drugs. I don't listen to it, so I'm not dragged down by it. One way of detaching is to stop talking about the problem and focus on a solution for myself.
There are others here in this forum and on the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers forum; who have successfully detached in order to preserve themselves. In my experience, once I found people who did know how to handle these issues, I gratefully tried to follow their example & to the best of my abililty apply what I learned to my own life...and things did improve for me.
I'm sure that others learned what not to do by listening to what I sometimes had to say...just as much as they were also encouraged by my own growth and progress.
I've tried going to Al-Anon, but find it only increases my depression and anxiety to hear so many stories of others dealing with this same crap for years and years and years and years ... Have tried counseling, but can't afford it on an ongoing basis.
My point is beyond suggesting that you try Al-Anon again and maybe do more than just try it....but instead to stick around awhile, go to lots of meetings, try out different meetings available in your area or in the next town if you like.
I found going to meetings to be not only the best source of support but also the most economical. Tossing a dollar or two into a basket for one hour's worth of unconditional acceptance, help & support is a great value. jmho
About talking with others...
I've run into people that had contacts with my son both before/during and even after he stopped using drugs. I've found it helpful to not engage in those conversations; not unless I am sure that it's going to be a positive thing for _me_.
There's simply no valid reason for someone else to be discussing such things with me about someone else- especially a loved one in trouble with alcohol or drugs. I don't listen to it, so I'm not dragged down by it. One way of detaching is to stop talking about the problem and focus on a solution for myself.
There are others here in this forum and on the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers forum; who have successfully detached in order to preserve themselves. In my experience, once I found people who did know how to handle these issues, I gratefully tried to follow their example & to the best of my abililty apply what I learned to my own life...and things did improve for me.
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