I stink at detachment and its my own fault
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
I stink at detachment and its my own fault
I don't know why I feel this way. Its my own fault that I am in this place once again. Maybe its the incredible lonliness..maybe its the lack of sleep...maybe its not having any money and not being able to do the simple pleasures that others can. Maybe I am just craving attention so bad that I will sink to accept it from exah.
Now that he has his license back he wants to drop in whenever he pleases. That could mean twice a day or not at all. I am always home generally and he will ask if we are here...if I say yes he stops by. If I say no..I am lying and/or he will drive by and know we aren't. I have worked on being civil and nice when he is here. I have stupidly fallen back into great conversations, laughing, playing with baby when he is here, and really caring again. He does little things that self centered, sociopath, alcoholics do...he does just enough to keep me in this place. He has offered to bring lunch, coffee, asked how my day is going, tell me what a great mom I am, texts and tells us how much he misses us and on and on. It feels good to have someone care even if its fake and with a motive. I should have shut it down right away but I found myself wanting to hear it.
Yesterday, I woke up sick of where I was. I needed to pull myself back up the hill and back on my feet alone. He missed his visit time to do something else and then wanted to come by later. I said it wasn't a good time for me. He asked what was wrong. I said nothing just busy. He then asked if I was mad at him? It took all I had not to unleash via text, but I just said no, talk to you later. He then asked us to go to his other d13's soccer game. I didn't respond nor go. Haven't heard from him since. It sucked. I spent all day wondering when he would text to see how we were, offer to come over, show some caring. He didn't. My d18 went to a baby shower up the street from him (one way in and one way out) she told me married gf's car was at his house when she got there and when she left. Must have spent the night. When he is with her or anyone else he falls off the radar. I feel like a stabb in my heart. I went to bed with baby at 8:00.
It hurts so fricking bad. I know who he is..and I know I got myself back here. It just felt good for awhile to feel wanted by someone. Its been 16 months and I am so lonely, tired, and sick of this life.
Going to keep going today. Ignore when I can. Only respond when I have to. I just hate it cuz now I come off mad at him by pulling away.
ok..baby is waking up. Here starts my day all over again.
Now that he has his license back he wants to drop in whenever he pleases. That could mean twice a day or not at all. I am always home generally and he will ask if we are here...if I say yes he stops by. If I say no..I am lying and/or he will drive by and know we aren't. I have worked on being civil and nice when he is here. I have stupidly fallen back into great conversations, laughing, playing with baby when he is here, and really caring again. He does little things that self centered, sociopath, alcoholics do...he does just enough to keep me in this place. He has offered to bring lunch, coffee, asked how my day is going, tell me what a great mom I am, texts and tells us how much he misses us and on and on. It feels good to have someone care even if its fake and with a motive. I should have shut it down right away but I found myself wanting to hear it.
Yesterday, I woke up sick of where I was. I needed to pull myself back up the hill and back on my feet alone. He missed his visit time to do something else and then wanted to come by later. I said it wasn't a good time for me. He asked what was wrong. I said nothing just busy. He then asked if I was mad at him? It took all I had not to unleash via text, but I just said no, talk to you later. He then asked us to go to his other d13's soccer game. I didn't respond nor go. Haven't heard from him since. It sucked. I spent all day wondering when he would text to see how we were, offer to come over, show some caring. He didn't. My d18 went to a baby shower up the street from him (one way in and one way out) she told me married gf's car was at his house when she got there and when she left. Must have spent the night. When he is with her or anyone else he falls off the radar. I feel like a stabb in my heart. I went to bed with baby at 8:00.
It hurts so fricking bad. I know who he is..and I know I got myself back here. It just felt good for awhile to feel wanted by someone. Its been 16 months and I am so lonely, tired, and sick of this life.
Going to keep going today. Ignore when I can. Only respond when I have to. I just hate it cuz now I come off mad at him by pulling away.
ok..baby is waking up. Here starts my day all over again.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Morning SO,
Extra hugs to you and your little one today. Have you read LaaTeDa's post about giving yourself a hug? Try it, I promise it will help. Wrap your arms around yourself and tell yourself you are loving and loveable. Repeat as necessary.
In recovery from alcoholism, one of the tools I have to recognize my triggers is the anacronym HALT. A recovering alcoholic is likely to pick up a drink when they become:
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
I have found the same HALT tool helpful to recognize my codie triggers. When I am Hungry - I may eat junk just to satisfy instant cravings. This is not in my best interest for long term health.
When I am Angry - I may react without thinking my response all the way through. I am at risk of contacting my ex and lashing out. That behavior is not in my best interest for long term relationships since we have a child.
When I am Lonely - I may reach out for something familiar from my past, again reacting, because it appears to offer instant satisfaction. That behavior is also not in my best interest for long term mental health.
When I am Tired - I may react and say and do things that I would not have done if I gave myself 3 days to consider all my options.
Are you able to attend any support group meetings in your area. Alanon or Moms with little ones type meetings? Finding women in your community with similar interests may help with the lonely triggers.
Please check with your health care professional if you feel you are getting stuck in the tired or angry triggers.
((((hugs))))
Extra hugs to you and your little one today. Have you read LaaTeDa's post about giving yourself a hug? Try it, I promise it will help. Wrap your arms around yourself and tell yourself you are loving and loveable. Repeat as necessary.
In recovery from alcoholism, one of the tools I have to recognize my triggers is the anacronym HALT. A recovering alcoholic is likely to pick up a drink when they become:
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
I have found the same HALT tool helpful to recognize my codie triggers. When I am Hungry - I may eat junk just to satisfy instant cravings. This is not in my best interest for long term health.
When I am Angry - I may react without thinking my response all the way through. I am at risk of contacting my ex and lashing out. That behavior is not in my best interest for long term relationships since we have a child.
When I am Lonely - I may reach out for something familiar from my past, again reacting, because it appears to offer instant satisfaction. That behavior is also not in my best interest for long term mental health.
When I am Tired - I may react and say and do things that I would not have done if I gave myself 3 days to consider all my options.
Are you able to attend any support group meetings in your area. Alanon or Moms with little ones type meetings? Finding women in your community with similar interests may help with the lonely triggers.
Please check with your health care professional if you feel you are getting stuck in the tired or angry triggers.
((((hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
starting,
It sounds like you have so much internal conflict going on regarding this man. You want his positive attention, the caring, bringing lunch and coffee, asking how your day is going….all that feels good but then you say you know it’s fake and he is doing it with a motive.
What’s his motive?
Then you find out he’s been with someone else and you get mad and act on that hurt by pulling away from his attention, telling him not to stop by and ignore his invite text to a soccer game. Punishing him basically where those prior moments of his attention made you feel kind of good.
It’s a lot of internal dialogue going on in your head regarding him, sounds like you haven’t fully accepted your decision to leave him…..emotionally you are still very much attached to him.
I’ve been there, one emotional foot in, one emotional foot out…….it’s kind of like treading water…..we don’t move in any direction and it’s so tiring.
Trying to resolve our internal conflicts is key, you may have detached physically now it’s time to work on emotionally.
Keep posting and working through it.
It sounds like you have so much internal conflict going on regarding this man. You want his positive attention, the caring, bringing lunch and coffee, asking how your day is going….all that feels good but then you say you know it’s fake and he is doing it with a motive.
What’s his motive?
Then you find out he’s been with someone else and you get mad and act on that hurt by pulling away from his attention, telling him not to stop by and ignore his invite text to a soccer game. Punishing him basically where those prior moments of his attention made you feel kind of good.
It’s a lot of internal dialogue going on in your head regarding him, sounds like you haven’t fully accepted your decision to leave him…..emotionally you are still very much attached to him.
I’ve been there, one emotional foot in, one emotional foot out…….it’s kind of like treading water…..we don’t move in any direction and it’s so tiring.
Trying to resolve our internal conflicts is key, you may have detached physically now it’s time to work on emotionally.
Keep posting and working through it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
I'm sorry you are hurting and lonely. Whenever I expect my XAH to behave in certain ways, especially in the ways opposite of an unrecovered alcoholic I set myself up for feeling miserable. When I don't accept him for how he is and use my well practiced magical thinking to force him into being someone else, I get myself into to trouble too. And I end up feeling hurt, depressed, obsessing, lonely, sad etc.. while he carries on doing whatever. I let his actions or inactions have great influence over my feelings.
I'm trying to get over that dynamic. I try to think of the other people on my street. Sometimes they may say hi, sometimes they may bring me a gift, sometimes they may ignore me....but no matter what they do or don't do I am unaffected in any lasting way. Their behavior has nothing to do with my feelings about myself, or how I conduct my day. I am trying to become indifferent, like that, with XAH. Some weeks I do better than others.
I'm trying to get over that dynamic. I try to think of the other people on my street. Sometimes they may say hi, sometimes they may bring me a gift, sometimes they may ignore me....but no matter what they do or don't do I am unaffected in any lasting way. Their behavior has nothing to do with my feelings about myself, or how I conduct my day. I am trying to become indifferent, like that, with XAH. Some weeks I do better than others.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
My RABF has slipped-I saw it coming and I prepared myself for when he actually started drinking, which was tonight. I know his triggers-I saw it coming and hard as it was, I behaved as normally as I could, detached to the best of my ability and most importantly, Let Go and Let God.
It's not easy and the old obsessive thinking keeps clawing its way back into my mind, especially when he starts in on me for my membership in Al-Anon. Yesterday, after a meeting, for the first time, I attended an AL-Anon Days and have really connected with a couple of other members. I was out most of the day and there were many calls while I was out.
I deviated from the norm, from always being there for him and I guess being out of his comfort zone and control scares him and he is expressing his fear of losing me the only way he knows how by drinking. Funny thing when he called-I knew he had been drinking - he tried to tell me that he was "out with a bunch of AA friends" for dinner-I asked where, he couldn't really tell me. In three months, he has never connected with any AA members, hasn't found a sponsor and to me, it seems ironic that after my day yesterday, this happens.... Then he asked me if I had something else to ask him-I said no and well, I guess he was waiting for the old freak out with my reaction to him drinking. Once I heard the slurring words, the self pity and the starting words of an argument - "Are you really going to stick with Al-Anon?", I told him that this conversation was over.
I hung up the phone-unplugged it, shut off my cell phone for some peace and quiet. Detachment is hard, detachment with love is even harder - I love him, I do understand he is sick and because of those feelings, leave him to his Higher Power.
It's not easy for anyone and as Chrysalis123 says, some weeks are better than others.
The HALT acronym is pinned to my bulletin board and when I feel all of my triggers coming on, like today, It helps to read it and try to work through it.
Please-give yourself a hug. You deserve it!!!!!
It's not easy and the old obsessive thinking keeps clawing its way back into my mind, especially when he starts in on me for my membership in Al-Anon. Yesterday, after a meeting, for the first time, I attended an AL-Anon Days and have really connected with a couple of other members. I was out most of the day and there were many calls while I was out.
I deviated from the norm, from always being there for him and I guess being out of his comfort zone and control scares him and he is expressing his fear of losing me the only way he knows how by drinking. Funny thing when he called-I knew he had been drinking - he tried to tell me that he was "out with a bunch of AA friends" for dinner-I asked where, he couldn't really tell me. In three months, he has never connected with any AA members, hasn't found a sponsor and to me, it seems ironic that after my day yesterday, this happens.... Then he asked me if I had something else to ask him-I said no and well, I guess he was waiting for the old freak out with my reaction to him drinking. Once I heard the slurring words, the self pity and the starting words of an argument - "Are you really going to stick with Al-Anon?", I told him that this conversation was over.
I hung up the phone-unplugged it, shut off my cell phone for some peace and quiet. Detachment is hard, detachment with love is even harder - I love him, I do understand he is sick and because of those feelings, leave him to his Higher Power.
It's not easy for anyone and as Chrysalis123 says, some weeks are better than others.
The HALT acronym is pinned to my bulletin board and when I feel all of my triggers coming on, like today, It helps to read it and try to work through it.
Please-give yourself a hug. You deserve it!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 247
Once again I am reminded that not a single one of us is alone in this journey.
I, too, am trying to find my own life. A life away from the madness, away from the chaos. Away from him.
Startingover, do you journal? I went back and read some really old stuff last night (in addition to reading my old posts on here) and found that I was still in the same place as I was years ago.
Funny thing that struck me - I will still be in the same place 20 years from now if I choose to live my life with this person as the center.
Take care of you. It's not easy. But it will be worth it.
I, too, am trying to find my own life. A life away from the madness, away from the chaos. Away from him.
Startingover, do you journal? I went back and read some really old stuff last night (in addition to reading my old posts on here) and found that I was still in the same place as I was years ago.
Funny thing that struck me - I will still be in the same place 20 years from now if I choose to live my life with this person as the center.
Take care of you. It's not easy. But it will be worth it.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
In my past I am ashamed to say I have gone back to relationships (ones that had run their course, and that I had ended) because I was lonely or bored and they were available. Hmmmm. Not great behaviour and always a complete disaster.
I have more than once played the "dog in a manger": not actually wanting someone UNTIL they are wanted by someone else. Hmmm. Not particularly proud of that either and always a disaster.
You seem to be unfullfilled with your life: every time I ahve turned to someone else to provide that fulfillment it has been a painful, soul sucking experience that has left me feeling emptier than before, and left a wake of damage to friendships, finances and the poor sod I elected to be my entertainments committee/therapist. From now on if I am lonely I am going to work on myself, I am not going to distract myself from becoming self-sufficient by pretending that someone else can fix the holes in my head and fixating on them.
When I can remember, I also find a "gratitude list" helps me stop hating my life, even if done through gritted teeth, and even if the first thing on it is "I am grateful I am not close enough to punch the fatuous pillock who suggested in response to my pain that I wrote a list about how glad I am for birdsong and fluffy pillows"
much love FP
I have more than once played the "dog in a manger": not actually wanting someone UNTIL they are wanted by someone else. Hmmm. Not particularly proud of that either and always a disaster.
You seem to be unfullfilled with your life: every time I ahve turned to someone else to provide that fulfillment it has been a painful, soul sucking experience that has left me feeling emptier than before, and left a wake of damage to friendships, finances and the poor sod I elected to be my entertainments committee/therapist. From now on if I am lonely I am going to work on myself, I am not going to distract myself from becoming self-sufficient by pretending that someone else can fix the holes in my head and fixating on them.
When I can remember, I also find a "gratitude list" helps me stop hating my life, even if done through gritted teeth, and even if the first thing on it is "I am grateful I am not close enough to punch the fatuous pillock who suggested in response to my pain that I wrote a list about how glad I am for birdsong and fluffy pillows"
much love FP
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
I know that accepting exah's attention is futile and really hurts me in the long run. I think I have this deep seeded fantasy that he will somehow do a complete character transformation and become the husband/father I thought he would be before and I want to be there waiting to cheer him on. Instead he is still the cake eating manipulator he always was and will continue to be.
Atalose...I believe his motives are he wants to continue life this way. Coming and going as he pleases, keeping me from moving on by his attention, seeing baby when it suits him, then leaving and having this other life as the town ****.
Being his buddy would be fantastic for him, but horrible for me. We are divorced for many reasons...addictions, infidelity, lying, etc. just to name a few. Calling to chat about anything other than baby isn't really in my best interest. He gets horribly irritated when I keep the dialogue to a bare minimum and then the accusations fly from his mouth.
Monday..new day. New week. I need to look at the positives in my life again.
Atalose...I believe his motives are he wants to continue life this way. Coming and going as he pleases, keeping me from moving on by his attention, seeing baby when it suits him, then leaving and having this other life as the town ****.
Being his buddy would be fantastic for him, but horrible for me. We are divorced for many reasons...addictions, infidelity, lying, etc. just to name a few. Calling to chat about anything other than baby isn't really in my best interest. He gets horribly irritated when I keep the dialogue to a bare minimum and then the accusations fly from his mouth.
Monday..new day. New week. I need to look at the positives in my life again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 85
Hey gal,
I so know how you feel. I'm going through a lot of the same things right now, with my ex-ah. We were long distance, so I never really had to worry about the physical detachment so much, it's just the emotional. We've been broken up for thirteen months now. He's so far into his addiction, he can't see beyond it. Addicts are selfish, and they're never in their right mind. I think a lot of my problem was (and still is), I keep thinking I can treat our relationship like a 'normal' relationship. For example, when we talk, it's always at night. At night, 99% of the time, he's drunk. If he winds up saying something jerky, I'm all put out. Like what do I really expect? I sit here and throw myself in this situation, in talking to him on instant messenger, or via the phone - whatever - when he's drunk. And I *know* he is. I'm screwed either way. If he says something semi-nice to me, immediately my mind shifts to, "If only we weren't dealing with this problem, our relationship would have likely kept going in a positive manner. If only we could get through this, we would be okay." And then I hold out hope, that there's still some chance. On the other hand, if he says something jerky, I'm disappointed, I'm upset, I constantly question "is this how he really feels? does he really have no feelings for me anymore, like he says?" I make it all about him. Sure, I love him. Sure, I recognize he's sick. But his choice to drink doesn't have to effect me, if I don't want it too. And I guess, realistically, how is he supposed to get any better if I'm always around when he feels like talking because he's lonely or bored? I'd like to think we still hold something, deep down. For now, though, it's just impossible to consider - he's surrounded by addiction, he cannot see out of it. I think we'll drive ourselves absolutely insane if we keep setting ourselves up for failure over and over again. They're not going to give us what we deserve, because right now? We're just obstacles in the way of their "other woman" - it's nothing personal. It's just that red wine label is the one calling the shots. Even that new chick your guy has? The second she expects more from him like any woman should, she's out, too. He's grasping at straws for attention, normalcy. He thinks he can cling to the drink and still manage a regular 'normal' life.
I should really listen to my own advice. :\ It's just so hard when the heart is in control.
I miss my ex terribly. I know I need to get things together, and do some things for myself.
I so know how you feel. I'm going through a lot of the same things right now, with my ex-ah. We were long distance, so I never really had to worry about the physical detachment so much, it's just the emotional. We've been broken up for thirteen months now. He's so far into his addiction, he can't see beyond it. Addicts are selfish, and they're never in their right mind. I think a lot of my problem was (and still is), I keep thinking I can treat our relationship like a 'normal' relationship. For example, when we talk, it's always at night. At night, 99% of the time, he's drunk. If he winds up saying something jerky, I'm all put out. Like what do I really expect? I sit here and throw myself in this situation, in talking to him on instant messenger, or via the phone - whatever - when he's drunk. And I *know* he is. I'm screwed either way. If he says something semi-nice to me, immediately my mind shifts to, "If only we weren't dealing with this problem, our relationship would have likely kept going in a positive manner. If only we could get through this, we would be okay." And then I hold out hope, that there's still some chance. On the other hand, if he says something jerky, I'm disappointed, I'm upset, I constantly question "is this how he really feels? does he really have no feelings for me anymore, like he says?" I make it all about him. Sure, I love him. Sure, I recognize he's sick. But his choice to drink doesn't have to effect me, if I don't want it too. And I guess, realistically, how is he supposed to get any better if I'm always around when he feels like talking because he's lonely or bored? I'd like to think we still hold something, deep down. For now, though, it's just impossible to consider - he's surrounded by addiction, he cannot see out of it. I think we'll drive ourselves absolutely insane if we keep setting ourselves up for failure over and over again. They're not going to give us what we deserve, because right now? We're just obstacles in the way of their "other woman" - it's nothing personal. It's just that red wine label is the one calling the shots. Even that new chick your guy has? The second she expects more from him like any woman should, she's out, too. He's grasping at straws for attention, normalcy. He thinks he can cling to the drink and still manage a regular 'normal' life.
I should really listen to my own advice. :\ It's just so hard when the heart is in control.
I miss my ex terribly. I know I need to get things together, and do some things for myself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
I read something the other day on another section of this forum that really shifted things for me. The person was talking about addiction to alcohol, but I related it to my addiction to XH (to the dream, to hope, etc.).
Anyway, the person said something about how she had been praying for the strength not to drink at a certain party she had to go to, when she realized that she was actually powerless to do this. So she changed her prayer to something like, "God, I'm not strong enough to do this, so please do it for me, and I'll have your back." It really helped me to see that I am powerless over my addiction to hope, the dream, etc. So much so, that my HP had to step in and remove the person from me. So these days, I am asking my HP to take away my addiction and committing to what I know I need to do to have my HP's back - no contact, not allowing myself to get wrapped up in conversations with him, not allowing myself to worry about him, not allowing myself to consider the "what-ifs."
Anyway, the person said something about how she had been praying for the strength not to drink at a certain party she had to go to, when she realized that she was actually powerless to do this. So she changed her prayer to something like, "God, I'm not strong enough to do this, so please do it for me, and I'll have your back." It really helped me to see that I am powerless over my addiction to hope, the dream, etc. So much so, that my HP had to step in and remove the person from me. So these days, I am asking my HP to take away my addiction and committing to what I know I need to do to have my HP's back - no contact, not allowing myself to get wrapped up in conversations with him, not allowing myself to worry about him, not allowing myself to consider the "what-ifs."
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Starting,
YES, a new day, a new week, a new beginning!!! Keep remembering those positives in your life. Beginning with your baby, and, the town **** is no longer your problem, he’s someone else’s, good riddens.
In al-anon it was suggested to make a gratitude list of all the things positive we have in life. I have come to the conclusion that if I can’t add it to my gratitude list then it/him/them/what ever….. doesn’t belong in my life.
We need to re-teach people how we want to be treated……when we know better we do better…..you need to re-teach him how you want to be treated today and exactly where his place is in your life…..he’s your child’s father, period.
Keep posting, many of us have been there and survived quite nicely!!!!!
YES, a new day, a new week, a new beginning!!! Keep remembering those positives in your life. Beginning with your baby, and, the town **** is no longer your problem, he’s someone else’s, good riddens.
In al-anon it was suggested to make a gratitude list of all the things positive we have in life. I have come to the conclusion that if I can’t add it to my gratitude list then it/him/them/what ever….. doesn’t belong in my life.
We need to re-teach people how we want to be treated……when we know better we do better…..you need to re-teach him how you want to be treated today and exactly where his place is in your life…..he’s your child’s father, period.
Keep posting, many of us have been there and survived quite nicely!!!!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
