Startingover2

I don't know why I feel this way. Its my own fault that I am in this place once again. Maybe its the incredible lonliness..maybe its the lack of sleep...maybe its not having any money and not being able to do the simple pleasures that others can. Maybe I am just craving attention so bad that I will sink to accept it from exah.

Now that he has his license back he wants to drop in whenever he pleases. That could mean twice a day or not at all. I am always home generally and he will ask if we are here...if I say yes he stops by. If I say no..I am lying and/or he will drive by and know we aren't. I have worked on being civil and nice when he is here. I have stupidly fallen back into great conversations, laughing, playing with baby when he is here, and really caring again. He does little things that self centered, sociopath, alcoholics do...he does just enough to keep me in this place. He has offered to bring lunch, coffee, asked how my day is going, tell me what a great mom I am, texts and tells us how much he misses us and on and on. It feels good to have someone care even if its fake and with a motive. I should have shut it down right away but I found myself wanting to hear it.

Yesterday, I woke up sick of where I was. I needed to pull myself back up the hill and back on my feet alone. He missed his visit time to do something else and then wanted to come by later. I said it wasn't a good time for me. He asked what was wrong. I said nothing just busy. He then asked if I was mad at him? It took all I had not to unleash via text, but I just said no, talk to you later. He then asked us to go to his other d13's soccer game. I didn't respond nor go. Haven't heard from him since. It sucked. I spent all day wondering when he would text to see how we were, offer to come over, show some caring. He didn't. My d18 went to a baby shower up the street from him (one way in and one way out) she told me married gf's car was at his house when she got there and when she left. Must have spent the night. When he is with her or anyone else he falls off the radar. I feel like a stabb in my heart. I went to bed with baby at 8:00.

It hurts so fricking bad. I know who he is..and I know I got myself back here. It just felt good for awhile to feel wanted by someone. Its been 16 months and I am so lonely, tired, and sick of this life.

Going to keep going today. Ignore when I can. Only respond when I have to. I just hate it cuz now I come off mad at him by pulling away.

ok..baby is waking up. Here starts my day all over again.