my dad is still crazy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 16
my dad is still crazy
I noticed that it is mostly wives on this forum, but i am a daughter of a recovering alcoholic, so here goes. My biggest difficulty is that even though my dad is sober, he still displays a lot of the characteristics he did when he was drinking. I am studying, so i still live at home.
My dad was an abusive and manipulative drinker for about 30 years. He would hit my mom and verbally abuse both me and her. The problem is that, he would sober up and initially he would be remorseful, but after a while, he would be verbally abusive and manipulative towards both my mom and myself even when sober. He stopped trying to hit my mom as often years ago when she hit him back.
He has been sober for 3 years now, but the abusive language still continues and so does the intimidation tactics that he employs whenever he has what i call a mood swing. He is very intelligent, so he is very condescending and never thinks he is wrong. Last night, i asked him to get some medication that i have been asking for. He gets all my grans meds by order, so my mom asked him why doesnt he just get my medication if he can get it for my gran. And he blew up! He started swearing at me about why i cant go get it myself when he never once offered to give me any money to get it. Then he started swearing at my mom and saying horrible things to me and i shouted at him that he had no right to say horrible things about me and left the area. Then today he asked me how dare i be disrespectful towards him and when i asked him about how he spoke to me, he said that was irrelevant because i am the 'child'. I am 22 by the way. I feel like im living with a dry drunk. I am wondering if this type of controlling, mood-swing behaviour has been experienced by anyone else?
My dad was an abusive and manipulative drinker for about 30 years. He would hit my mom and verbally abuse both me and her. The problem is that, he would sober up and initially he would be remorseful, but after a while, he would be verbally abusive and manipulative towards both my mom and myself even when sober. He stopped trying to hit my mom as often years ago when she hit him back.
He has been sober for 3 years now, but the abusive language still continues and so does the intimidation tactics that he employs whenever he has what i call a mood swing. He is very intelligent, so he is very condescending and never thinks he is wrong. Last night, i asked him to get some medication that i have been asking for. He gets all my grans meds by order, so my mom asked him why doesnt he just get my medication if he can get it for my gran. And he blew up! He started swearing at me about why i cant go get it myself when he never once offered to give me any money to get it. Then he started swearing at my mom and saying horrible things to me and i shouted at him that he had no right to say horrible things about me and left the area. Then today he asked me how dare i be disrespectful towards him and when i asked him about how he spoke to me, he said that was irrelevant because i am the 'child'. I am 22 by the way. I feel like im living with a dry drunk. I am wondering if this type of controlling, mood-swing behaviour has been experienced by anyone else?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family Ice!
I'm glad your father is sober and has stopped his violent behavior. Unfortunately, sobriety is not the answer to everything. An adult that has practiced active alcoholism for most of their adult life, is in the habit of dealing with stress by drinking it away. It doesn't solve anything, just pushes it out of the way where someone else usually fixes things. This cycle of drinking away problems continues and the active alcoholic no longer knows how to handle stress, conflict and situations with maturity. The alcoholic is lacking in coping skills. Sobriety does not teach coping skills. Recovery work teaches coping skills.
However, not all recovering alcoholics handle stress, conflict and life with maturity. Some people are still jerks sober.
I'm glad your father is sober and has stopped his violent behavior. Unfortunately, sobriety is not the answer to everything. An adult that has practiced active alcoholism for most of their adult life, is in the habit of dealing with stress by drinking it away. It doesn't solve anything, just pushes it out of the way where someone else usually fixes things. This cycle of drinking away problems continues and the active alcoholic no longer knows how to handle stress, conflict and situations with maturity. The alcoholic is lacking in coping skills. Sobriety does not teach coping skills. Recovery work teaches coping skills.
However, not all recovering alcoholics handle stress, conflict and life with maturity. Some people are still jerks sober.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
I doubt seriously it has anything to do with "dry drunk". I think what it is most likely is that he suffers from anxiety or depression and lashing out is the only way he knows to handle it. As mentioned earlier he has learned no better coping skills. It is more likely that he drank the way he did because of the way he is rather that he is the way he is because of the way he drank. If you catch him in a contemplative time, you might mention to him that you are concerned and ask if he thinks he might be over-anxious or depressed. There are things a Doctor can do to help. Now I am not making any excuses for your father at all, just giving you what I think is most likely the best hope for change.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 16
Thanks so much for your replies. The thing is that he is on anti-depressants. Its just that he acts like he is perfect and does not need any help. That is the part that i hate the most. I have gotten to the point that i think i just need to accept that is who he is, i cant change him and work at accepting that myself.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hello ice, I am glad you found this wonderful site. I wish I had wise advice.
If you were my little sister (I am 27) I would tell you to leave the room whenever he starts shouting and go to your room, wear some ear plugs or play music.... or to talk to a neighbor or friend that leaves close and see if you can spend some time there instead of your home..
Hopefully this will be temporary and soon you will be doing your own life and living away from him.
You can't change him ice, and his behavior has nothing to do with you. You can accept someone as they are and you can also protect yourself while you do it... if you are in school is there any counselor available?
Have you read the Stickies on top of the main page for this forum? they are very helpful.
Welcome!!
If you were my little sister (I am 27) I would tell you to leave the room whenever he starts shouting and go to your room, wear some ear plugs or play music.... or to talk to a neighbor or friend that leaves close and see if you can spend some time there instead of your home..
Hopefully this will be temporary and soon you will be doing your own life and living away from him.
You can't change him ice, and his behavior has nothing to do with you. You can accept someone as they are and you can also protect yourself while you do it... if you are in school is there any counselor available?
Have you read the Stickies on top of the main page for this forum? they are very helpful.
Welcome!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I have gotten to the point that i think i just need to accept that is who he is, i cant change him and work at accepting that myself.
Bravo!! You hit the nail on the head here!
You say you are studying - and are you dependent on him financially? That does make things tough! I hope you can make a little plan soon to gain real independence (physical and financial) from this toxic home life. Do not exchange your mental health for dollars. You can always work and make money for yourself. Your mental health however, is not as easy to replenish.
Only you know if you can tolerate this situation without hurting yourself while you get your education.
I went to AlAnon in my early twenties and it really changed my life. My father had been sober and in AA about 5 years when I started going, but I had 3 active alcoholic bros at the time. Although I went in a panic trying to figure out how to live with the pain of my brothers alcoholism, I also learned SO MUCH about how growing up w/ an alcoholic father had shaped me and my thinking and my behaviors. I went to a bunch of ACOA focused AlAnon meetings (Adult Children of Alcoholics). They were really helpful and friends I made there suggested good books and workbooks that helped me begin to untangle my mind....
here's the central link for AlAnon - maybe there are meetings in your area. They are FREE. I tried a bunch before I found 2 that I really liked and attended regularly.
Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen
peace-
B
Bravo!! You hit the nail on the head here!
You say you are studying - and are you dependent on him financially? That does make things tough! I hope you can make a little plan soon to gain real independence (physical and financial) from this toxic home life. Do not exchange your mental health for dollars. You can always work and make money for yourself. Your mental health however, is not as easy to replenish.
Only you know if you can tolerate this situation without hurting yourself while you get your education.
I went to AlAnon in my early twenties and it really changed my life. My father had been sober and in AA about 5 years when I started going, but I had 3 active alcoholic bros at the time. Although I went in a panic trying to figure out how to live with the pain of my brothers alcoholism, I also learned SO MUCH about how growing up w/ an alcoholic father had shaped me and my thinking and my behaviors. I went to a bunch of ACOA focused AlAnon meetings (Adult Children of Alcoholics). They were really helpful and friends I made there suggested good books and workbooks that helped me begin to untangle my mind....
here's the central link for AlAnon - maybe there are meetings in your area. They are FREE. I tried a bunch before I found 2 that I really liked and attended regularly.
Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen
peace-
B
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
My take is that anxiety and depression are part of being a dry drunk. Take the booz away from a bunch of horse theives and you have a bunch of sober and smarter horse theives. Take care of yourself first. Don't enable a sober horse thief by not watching the horse. Alanon?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 16
Thanks again everyone. Unfortunately i am financially dependent on my parents. But soon i will have my degree, so i will be able to run far away. Instead of al anon, i go to a psycologist. I have been seeing her for years and when ever things get really difficult she is the one i see. She has a background of treating addicts and has a lot of experience. The funny thing is though, that when i first started seeing her and even when i see her now, my parents think it is because i am upset over anything but them. I have realised that my parents are also a bit self-absorbed.
I asked my mom 3 questions the other day, just for interest sake. I didnt even bother to ask my dad, because i know he has no idea.
1. What is my fav colour. (Blue). She said orange.
2. What is my favourite dish. (Panzerotti). She said pasta, so kind of right.
3. My fav author. (I own all her books). Mom had no idea.
A lot of you on this site are parents. Are these normal things that parents know? Im just grateful that i have this site. You guys are the best.
I asked my mom 3 questions the other day, just for interest sake. I didnt even bother to ask my dad, because i know he has no idea.
1. What is my fav colour. (Blue). She said orange.
2. What is my favourite dish. (Panzerotti). She said pasta, so kind of right.
3. My fav author. (I own all her books). Mom had no idea.
A lot of you on this site are parents. Are these normal things that parents know? Im just grateful that i have this site. You guys are the best.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Originally Posted by ice17 
1. What is my fav colour. (Blue). She said orange.
2. What is my favourite dish. (Panzerotti). She said pasta, so kind of right.
3. My fav author. (I own all her books). Mom had no idea.
Anyway, this is an aside. If you don't think it applies, just ignore it!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
ice17,
There are probably a lot of reasons why your parents are the way they are. I understand your father's way of thinking (superior to others) but I do not understand his abusive behavior.
My understanding and experience with drunk people is that they often do think that they have all the answers. And yes, if a person does not want to change, whether they are drunk or sober, a very easy way to do so is to always compare yourself to others and see yourself as BETTER THAN. That can be called "judgment" (I don't mean to sound like I don't think you know what that word means; I mean to say it is a term that has special meaning in the context of alcoholism and addiction). So, what you are witnessing in your father is probably left over from his alcoholic thinking. You can take away the alcohol but you still think the same way unless you decide to change it.
In my opinion, your father's abusiveness is fed by the way he thinks (judging others). Until he makes a conscious decision to change this about himself, he will continue to be abusive. I'm no psychiatrist honey, but I'm willing to bet that your father has more than depression. In fact, if he is not being properly treated for whatever is ailing him, the anti-depressants may be contributing to the problem. This is not something that is your fault, or that is caused by you. He sounds like a very sick man to me.
As for your mother and father not knowing you, I have witnessed this also in alcoholic and other diseased families. The last addicted person I knew came from a family I like to call "The Norman Rockwells". I don't know if you know who Norman Rockwell was but you can google him to see some of his paintings or you can look him up on Wikipedia. He was a famous artist who painted everyday scenes of the American Dream. In the family I am referring to, everyone in it acts as though as long as you meet the requirements of the American Dream, i.e., attend church on Sundays, hold a 9 to 5 job, come home for the holidays, have dinner at the dinner table, then EVERYTHING is ALRIGHT. Never mind that our son is an alcoholic crack addict who is missing three front teeth, has long greasy hair, stinks to high heaven, and despite the fact that he makes nearly $100,000 a year, never has any money. Nevermind the fact that he cheats on his girlfriend every other week. Nevermind all that. They live with their heads in the sand. It's called Denial.
I recommend you go to the library and check out a couple books about "codependency" and "adult child of alcoholic." "Codependent No More" and "It'll Never Happen To Me" are old standards.
p.s. Stay as far away from your dad as possible. That's my advice.
There are probably a lot of reasons why your parents are the way they are. I understand your father's way of thinking (superior to others) but I do not understand his abusive behavior.
My understanding and experience with drunk people is that they often do think that they have all the answers. And yes, if a person does not want to change, whether they are drunk or sober, a very easy way to do so is to always compare yourself to others and see yourself as BETTER THAN. That can be called "judgment" (I don't mean to sound like I don't think you know what that word means; I mean to say it is a term that has special meaning in the context of alcoholism and addiction). So, what you are witnessing in your father is probably left over from his alcoholic thinking. You can take away the alcohol but you still think the same way unless you decide to change it.
In my opinion, your father's abusiveness is fed by the way he thinks (judging others). Until he makes a conscious decision to change this about himself, he will continue to be abusive. I'm no psychiatrist honey, but I'm willing to bet that your father has more than depression. In fact, if he is not being properly treated for whatever is ailing him, the anti-depressants may be contributing to the problem. This is not something that is your fault, or that is caused by you. He sounds like a very sick man to me.
As for your mother and father not knowing you, I have witnessed this also in alcoholic and other diseased families. The last addicted person I knew came from a family I like to call "The Norman Rockwells". I don't know if you know who Norman Rockwell was but you can google him to see some of his paintings or you can look him up on Wikipedia. He was a famous artist who painted everyday scenes of the American Dream. In the family I am referring to, everyone in it acts as though as long as you meet the requirements of the American Dream, i.e., attend church on Sundays, hold a 9 to 5 job, come home for the holidays, have dinner at the dinner table, then EVERYTHING is ALRIGHT. Never mind that our son is an alcoholic crack addict who is missing three front teeth, has long greasy hair, stinks to high heaven, and despite the fact that he makes nearly $100,000 a year, never has any money. Nevermind the fact that he cheats on his girlfriend every other week. Nevermind all that. They live with their heads in the sand. It's called Denial.
I recommend you go to the library and check out a couple books about "codependency" and "adult child of alcoholic." "Codependent No More" and "It'll Never Happen To Me" are old standards.
p.s. Stay as far away from your dad as possible. That's my advice.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Yes, your father is crazy. Sounds like your mom is too.
Do you want to be?
It's wonderful that you'll be graduating soon and can physically leave your house.
I hope you can start detaching soon. It must be very hard, but not impossible. The trick is to focus on yourself, and not by trying to get to know your parents better like someone recommended.To me (and this is only my opinion) that recommendation sounds like pleasing, codependant behavior--trying to get to know your mother so she will love you--and very very dangerous.
In fact, I will advise against that, because your parents sound not only crazy but abusive to each other and you, their daughter. It's not your job to know them better and fix their crazy. It is their job, as parents, to love and honor and respect you and teach you how to do the same.
I hope you can get away from them and heal yourself. I know you can, if I can after years of madness, you can at your young age.
I"m 45 and your dad sounds exactly like mine, but my father never sobered up. The causes don't really matter. What matters his his utter lack of respect (in action not words) for me or other women. I had to separate myself physically and emotionally from him two years ago in order to get enough peace away from the madness to start processing, but you will have your own path.
I'm glad you're here!
Do you want to be?
It's wonderful that you'll be graduating soon and can physically leave your house.
I hope you can start detaching soon. It must be very hard, but not impossible. The trick is to focus on yourself, and not by trying to get to know your parents better like someone recommended.To me (and this is only my opinion) that recommendation sounds like pleasing, codependant behavior--trying to get to know your mother so she will love you--and very very dangerous.
In fact, I will advise against that, because your parents sound not only crazy but abusive to each other and you, their daughter. It's not your job to know them better and fix their crazy. It is their job, as parents, to love and honor and respect you and teach you how to do the same.
I hope you can get away from them and heal yourself. I know you can, if I can after years of madness, you can at your young age.
I"m 45 and your dad sounds exactly like mine, but my father never sobered up. The causes don't really matter. What matters his his utter lack of respect (in action not words) for me or other women. I had to separate myself physically and emotionally from him two years ago in order to get enough peace away from the madness to start processing, but you will have your own path.
I'm glad you're here!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
I am glad that you have a good councilor. Many that I have met have no background with substance abuse or its affect on the family and friends.
Alanon has been great for me. You might try it along with your councilor. It will give you a face to face meeting similar to this website. Try different groups in your area until you find one that you really like.
Good luck.
Alanon has been great for me. You might try it along with your councilor. It will give you a face to face meeting similar to this website. Try different groups in your area until you find one that you really like.
Good luck.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm so sorry to hear about the abuse that both you and your mother have suffered at the hands of your father. It is not right, and it is not fair. I hope you can cut your mother some slack, because she has been in "survival mode" just like you. She should have protected you from your father, that's true, because it certainly is not the child's responsibility. However, she has probably been just as afraid on a daily basis as you were growing up.
People who live in constant fear sometimes do not have a favorite author themselves let alone know that information about anyone else.....
I hope and pray that you will be able to finish your studies soon and be able to live on your own away from the constant stress and pressure. Huge hugs, HG
People who live in constant fear sometimes do not have a favorite author themselves let alone know that information about anyone else.....
I hope and pray that you will be able to finish your studies soon and be able to live on your own away from the constant stress and pressure. Huge hugs, HG
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Hi ice17, at some point check out the "Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents" forum next store. There's lots of stories posted there from people dealing with exactly what you are - the issues that come from living with an alcoholic parent. It's a little slower than this forum so we would benefit from any stories you would be willing to share 
JTinStLouis
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: St Louis, MO
Posts: 115
Ice
I sorry to hear what you are going through but it is great you are talking about it. I am an alcoholic father of two girls one is 12 and the other is 2. I have been sober just over a year and I still feel for what I have done in my past. I also go to meetings and a small group all the time to avoid being the "dry drunk" it is one thing to stop the drinking but for me it was and is important to get the help for a sober life. I hope the best for you and your family I am sure this is hard. just please keep sharing it makes all the difference.
JT
I sorry to hear what you are going through but it is great you are talking about it. I am an alcoholic father of two girls one is 12 and the other is 2. I have been sober just over a year and I still feel for what I have done in my past. I also go to meetings and a small group all the time to avoid being the "dry drunk" it is one thing to stop the drinking but for me it was and is important to get the help for a sober life. I hope the best for you and your family I am sure this is hard. just please keep sharing it makes all the difference.
JT
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Somewhere, our planet
Posts: 174
Hi Ice17,
You described my father--he isn't an alcoholic, but he has had issues with pot--and has the same personality. As far as I know he isn't using, but he is controlling, intimidating, and has a mean temper; then he'll suddenly "switch" to Mr. Nice Guy or be full of remorse / guilt for treating his family members the way he does.
I hope that you will be able to get out of there as soon as you can; keep posting in the meantime, and know that there are people out there who understand how you feel.
Hugs.
p.s. therapy has helped me tremendously.
You described my father--he isn't an alcoholic, but he has had issues with pot--and has the same personality. As far as I know he isn't using, but he is controlling, intimidating, and has a mean temper; then he'll suddenly "switch" to Mr. Nice Guy or be full of remorse / guilt for treating his family members the way he does.
I hope that you will be able to get out of there as soon as you can; keep posting in the meantime, and know that there are people out there who understand how you feel.
Hugs.
p.s. therapy has helped me tremendously.
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