puckettcg

Transform is pointing out exactly the problem a lot of people face when it comes to getting out of a relationship with their A. Yes, you can go to court - but it cost money that most of us don't have; and I have a good friend of mine who is still not getting the money from her XAH 12 years later for child support. She takes him to court, and ends up paying more out of pocket in lawyer expenses than she stands to gain from the court.

Its almost always better to come up with an informal agreement, especially if they are at least paying (which it seems the case here) the agreed upon amount, even if it frustrates you to know that they are drinking away the money. Best solution is to do everything you can to become completely self-sufficient so that you don't have to rely on them for anything. But, that takes time and right now the economy isn't helping.

I'd send the food. The kids shouldn't have to pay for the sins of their father so to speak. Yes, you're enabling him, but I doubt if you suddenly said no he'd decide that means he has to budget for food - instead he's likely to respond by not giving you the money he promised. Don't feel bad about enabling him - feel good that you're taking care of your kids.

I have the opposite problem. I make all the money, so I'd be fine without him. But, I don't make enough money to support two households, and my AH doesn't have a job. If I go to court, I get nothing from him, it costs me money, and in the end, I'd probably get stuck paying alimony and enabling him by court order for life. I'm considering tricking him into going on a car ride with me and dropping him off in the middle of nowhere to see if he can find his way back.

puckettcg

At least you know that he can't "spend" the groceries on booze.

LaTeeDa

It's not about who has money to get divorced and who doesn't. It's about choices. If you choose to stay married to an alcoholic (whether you make that choice because of money or whatever), then accept that is your choice. Complaining about the results of that choice while refusing to consider a different choice is nothing but self-inflicted misery.

You can either accept the things you cannot change, or muster the courage to change the things you can............

(FYI, I was once in the same position of having been the breadwinner and fearing that I would have to pay alimony if I divorced him. I went ahead with the divorce anyway, because I could no longer live with the choice of being married to him. I am free of his financial problems now, and I didn't end up paying alimony. You never know what will happen until you take action. Or, you can not take action and accept that it is your choice to stay in the situation.)

L

Thumper

LTD - your post was good for me to read today. Thanks.

transformyself

yes! Girl you're brilliant. I like that one.

And puckett, you're right. I just need to make more money and have financial independance.

I talked to him. He says he had "one beer," and left the bar because he couldn't afford more. Whatever. He says he's learning how to manage money on his own and has $85 for groceries and doesn't need my groceries. Fine.

Truthfully, he feeds the kids. He's quite good at it. I think I was so mad that he was at the bar, I was thinking in absolutes.

No, I don't want to police the situation with his drinking when the kids are there. It would be easy if he treated them poorly, but half the time I'm there anyway packing and moving my stuff out and they love him and have a ball with them and he's a good dad.

He's just a hopeless alcoholic. Which means in time the drinking will escalate again. I can't worry about that now though.

And LTD
Let me first thank you for your continued support here on not only my threads but on many others. I can tell you've been through a lot and have a lot of wisdom. However, please go back and reread your post cause it seems unkind. Not because you're speaking the truth, which I prefer and request, but because I dunno, it seems like your essentially saying, "either accept your choices or shut up." It feels unkind. You may not mean for it to, but in these situations, it's hard to hear your wisdom through what appears to be frustration with others pace of healing.
I'm not refusing to consider a different choice, I'm seeking them out and trying to understand myself.

Me personally, I come here and process externally and gain strength and understanding from others who generously relate to me and share their experience. I am putting myself out there by being honest about my choices and experiences and feelings. I recieve so much support here but to be honest, I feel scolded at times by you and that makes me want to either retreat or lash out. Instead, I'm tellin you how I feel i'm not trying to start a thread war or humiliate you publicly, just express myself.

LaTeeDa

I hear what you're saying.

My frustration is not with others pace of healing, but with the "victim" mentality. When I hear people blaming the alcoholic, or circumstances, or life in general, for their situation, I find myself wanting to speak up. I was there for many years, and my life sucked. It wasn't until I admitted to myself that I was where I was entirely because of my own choices, and that I could choose differently, that my life began to change.

I understand that you are still trying to work through your choices. I saw the thread heading off on the track of victim mentality and put in my two cents to bring it back to YOU. What can YOU do to take back your power? This forum is a great place for brainstorming solutions.

There are always choices. In any situation. I may not like them, and I sometimes have to pick the least worse of them, but I now know that I am never without choices.

I'm sorry my post came across as unkind. It wasn't meant that way. I just can't support victim thinking. I'm not saying accept your choices or shut up. I'm saying accept your choices or make different ones.

L

puckettcg

That's not actually the point I was trying to make. I know its a choice, but I don't think its fair to criticize someone's choice just because its not the same one you would have made, nor can you assume that someone hasn't considered other options. There are pros and cons with every choice, sometimes its timing, and sometimes a step you make now is a part of a bigger plan.

What I am saying is that she shouldn't feel bad about choosing to provide groceries for the kids even though in doing that it enables his drinking. I do a lot "if this, then that" kind of thinking, and its when I don't do this that I find myself frustrated and surprised by the outcome. Some people think we shouldn't enable at all costs, when sometimes the enabling solution is the better of two not great options. It sounds to me like she's doing a little bit of "if this, then that" kind of thinking and wants to make sure she doesn't react in a way that leads to an outcome she doesn't want (kids don't eat or he stops paying).

What's wrong with that?

LaTeeDa

Nothing wrong with that, and actually that was exactly my point. Choices have consequences, both positive and negative. Choosing to have an informal agreement with an active alcoholic may net the positive result of getting more money from him than a court ordered agreement. But that same choice also yields the negative result of not having the ability to enforce it if/when he doesn't live up to it. If that negative becomes enough of a problem, then maybe a different choice is in order.....

I'm not seeing the one incident with the groceries as the main problem, here. I'm seeing the main problem as one of being financially dependent on someone who is undependable.

My intent was not to criticize anyone's choices, but more to shed light on the fact that they are choices, and that different ones can be made, even when it seems like there aren't any other options.

L

transformyself

Yay, I feel like we were able to hear each other. That makes me happy.

And yes, the goal is to NOT be financially dependant on drunky. More writing, more writing..

Now the kids are gone and sad. I just talked to them though and they're happy. Youngest guy is riding his scooter and they had his favorite food for dinner.

See what all that worrying got me?

For now my plan is to keep writing, keep working, try to find a full time job and keep away from my AH....But I'm really sad the kids are gone..

Learn2Live

Stop reacting to him woman.

steve11694

The alcoholic may actually mean it when they make a promise, but more times than none they fail to follow through. As long as alcohol is short circuiting and perverting normal thinking, normal rules and logic simply DO NOT APPLY.

I have seen alcoholics overdraft debt accounts to drink and been unable to purchase food. I have taken aw to eat but would not fund more booze for her/friends. Drinking takes complete control away from the person.

Sorry you have to go through this.

transformyself

Steve, I know he means this. I know he loves and wants to do what is best for his children. But i also know as long as he keeps drinking, the booze will coil around him like a life sucking snake and slowly squeeze his ability to care for anything else out of him. It's horrible.

steve11694

Yes, I know it is horrible and tragic. I have worn your shoes and those shoes have worn me.

Have you had the dreams yet? Dreams about trying to hold on to that person. Searching and calling out for them in absolute darkness. Crying and asking God why he had to take the person you love?

I still cry sometimes, but not as often as before. He may believe he wants the best for his children but it really doesn't matter, because alcohol is at the helm.

transformyself

I have nightmares, but they're just the ones I've always had about my AH. He's partying with other women, and they're all laughing at me while I cry and rage. True Story

and I don't know about you but this
never happens to me because in my belief sysytem, "God" doesn't do awful things to people. God responds to your prayers, we create our own reality and God loves us unconditionally.

Sure, I've raged and cries about the being so angry and sad that my husband is gone. But God didn't do anything. My AH makes his choices. And so do I.

Cowgirl1265

I've had those dreams too. So vividly that I woke up enraged with my H. I wonder if that is typical for people who have been cheated on? They were awful. I haven't had one in the two months since he moved out.

Jadmack25

Never ever had "bad" or violent nightmares in my life, til ABF was caught cheating by me.
For 3 years I hated going to bed, afraid of the things that whirled around in my head, as they were terrifying to me.

The things I dreamt of doing to him and his tart, would have scared the Apaches, and made the Gestapo look like amateurs in torture.

Described some of them to ABF, which shattered him, especially when I told him that if he cheated in future, I had quite a selection to choose from as revenge.

Thank God, I no longer have them and have almost got back to normal sleep pattern.

God bless