PurpleWilder

After waking up in a cold sweat at 4am for the umpteenth time in my life this morning, I had a revelation that just both scared and disgusted me.

Just because the conditions aren't absolutely perfect for somthing is not necessarily a reason for not going ahead with something. A large part of me has believed for some time that just because parenting is a challenge and I seem to attract losers (hence my SR name) is no reason not to try to change things the way that works for me.

Case in point: I battle daily with my ADHD daughter and quick tempered son. Today, the ADHD daughter didn't like the shirts I picked out for her (liked #3), didn't like her breakfast, couldn't manage to get her hair washed during a 15 minute shower and hit her brother in the face with a doll shoe while they were getting ready for school. IOW, a typical school morning!

Somehow, I have convinced myself that if I have problems in my life, I have no right to try to go out and make something of myself. I am chronically underemployed, but somehow believe I deserve this because my kids have problems with school and with each other. I want to go back into teaching, but have told myself that if my kids are less than perfect angels 24/7 that I don't deserve to even try. Part of this is my upbringing and part of this is the BS alcoholic thinking my perfectionist ex lashed on me for 10 years. WTF kind of thinking is that? I finally realized this morning that the only people without problems are six feet under.

I sat down this morning and in a flurry of activity applied to 4 school districts in the area for a spot as a teacher's aide or the like. I am tired of this substandard existance thinking that if I "live small" and don't bring attention to myself with success that the "God of my MISunderstanding" (that of my childhood - angry, vengeful, spiteful - not the one I know now - but I still seem to operate on the old God, for some reason) will see fit not to smite me with anything. I have been a fool.

I know this is kinda of disjointed but I am going on an anger/disgust rush right now. Any comments?

Still Waters

Truth! We all have problems, every one of us. The trick is how we deal with them. This all sounds very very positive DirtMagnet!

You haven't been a fool, it just takes some of us longer to figure stuff out. I figure I'll have it all figured out about the time I turn 139

Cowgirl1265

DM, thanks for your post. I know this is something I have struggled with in the past - feeling like I don't deserve respect or success because of my bad marriage, troubles, etc.

Oh, and your life? Sounds just like mine! My 8 yo daughter is ADHD/bipolar and my 5 yo son is ADHD/GAD. Mornings can be sheer hell. On any given day when only *one* of them acts out it feels like heaven. If they are both well-behaved I get scared and start wondering if the earth is going to crack open and swallow me.

PurpleWilder

Ya know, Still Waters, you are right. I haven't been a fool, but I have been easy TO fool.

Thinking that I had to accept other's estimations of me just because if I didn't they wouldn't love me. Guess I don't need them that much anyway.

Thinking that if people judge my lifestyle and find it coming up short to their standards that I am just a waste of space. Screw that. Yes, my house is messy, I need a haircut, my kids have problems, my car is ancient. So the F what? I also don't drink, smoke, run around, cut other people down for fun, I go to church, pray when I can, love my kids....Keep your standards to yourself, alkie and others! Funny, if a person is an alcoholic, drug/sex/porn addct etc they get acceptance and help. Have a person find out you are messy or don't like doing housework (if you are a woman) and they look at you like you have grown a second head. Wish I could grow another head - then I could tell 'em off with both at the same time!

I'm done making excuses in order to seem more acceptable to people. This is who I am, what I am like, how things are. If they don't like it, they can hit the road.

Ago

Yup

This is a great realization and quite normal

In my experience the thinking precedes the "mate" in that if I have low self esteem, I pick someone who will reinforce that belief (by putting me down) or if I pick emotionally unavailable mates, it's because I myself am emotionally unavailable

When I am healthy and happy, that manifests itself in my life with happy healthy mates, jobs situations etc. that is why in recovery they say "It's an inside job" because when you fix your insides your outsides take care of themselves, that's why we can struggle for years to change our outside stuff but we just keep getting the same thing over and over and over, ie relationships, jobs etc

When I feel I deserve better and take steps to get that, a number of changes take place, I don't settle for less and somehow, in some weird way the world starts manifesting better situations, healthier people, better living situations, better jobs, I have seen this countless times with myself and others to even doubt it, it's inexplicable but it takes place with a mathematical certainty

Welcome to step 0

This sh1t has gotta stop

Time to change your name from Dirt Magnet to Goddess Supreme or something

GiveLove

The anger/disgust rush has carried me to some really, really amazing places, dm. Don't knock it LOL It was disgust at my own willingness to settle for crumbs and stress and nylons that led to me ditching my old life and starting this one.

Whatever gets you there is what gets you there. Just don't take the disgust thing too far. You need forward momentum, but you also need to trust yourself to be your own warrior.

We live. We learn. We kick butt.

Me? I know what an asset you'd be to a school. Keep on fighting until you have the kind of life you want (not the kind that old gods think you deserve)

sapphire69

I can really relate to how you are feeling. I also have trouble with my children. My 7yr old daughter was just diagnosed ADHD, my 6 yr old son is Autistic/ADHD and my 18 yr old daughter is ADHD/ODD/OCD. Now I can look at that and think why on earth did I bring these troubled children in the world and how do I deserve to make something of myself? Some days I feel as if there is just nothing left of me to give since I have given it all to my children. This is when I take action. I research everything I can on how do things differently so my children will behave differently. I have taken parenting classes, joined support groups and we are all in one therapy or another. Being proactive for MYSELF is what helps. I still have bad days and still question my ability. BUT, I am getting my bachelors degree in psychology and it feels like I am doing something for ME. You do deserve better, we all deserve the best we can give ourselves.

My counsellor pointed something out to me last week. My dad calls me a s**t magnet. Since I had started to believe that I also believed that nothing good could happen to me. And since I believed that way that is what happened. Once you start to change your thinking, you change your actions which leads to different results. I like to see it as the law of attraction. Whatever you put out there is what you will receive. If you are putting out vibes of negativity, that is what you will get.

You can do it girl. Just start believing that you CAN do it and you DO deserve good things. They will come!

TakingCharge999

DM great realization !!

I LOVE it when I care less about others and much more about myself. I always lived for others or worried about being accepted and all that trash.

When you go "who cares, this is me and its enough" its soooooo great!!


I am starting to allow myself to exist, LOL to be a unique person and I am no longer afraid of being myself! I stopped asking permission to BE.

My apartments are always a mess and I don't care anymore. My current bf, friends and family know I work hard. And even if I take a day off, no I don't have to fix everything either... yes my car needs fixing and care... I haven't had a haircuit in ages... I haven't replied to emails... oh well.

Yesterday I talked to my mom and we were saying there is a lot of pressure these days, specially for women, when the male figure is virtually absent (and even when it is there...), they got to prove they are as capable as men in their field (or more), rear children, be criticized by her figure, clothes, etc. etc. This pressure already causes illnesses (like hypertension) in young women when usually the ones who suffered them were older.

Our goal is to keep our peace no matter what. I get so stressed and irritable about dumb things but I try to BREATHE and realize its a temporary moment, and yes, that the much needed REST and SILENCE I crave for will happen after I'm dead !

You are striding forward and I agree about your nickname change! I suggest: JoyMagnet

Chrysalis123

I so relate to your post. Through counseling I learned that my role in my family of origin was "invisible". It kept me safe to have no needs, no desires, avoid confrontation, and hide. Worked great for a vulnerable child whose mom died and was left with a self absorbed A for a dad.

Fast forward to adulthood and that way of relating turned into major dysfunction on my part. What a weight lifted off my shoulders to realize I don't have to be invisible, and to hug that little kid inside of me that showed what a survivor she was to become invisible because it was the best thing she could think of all on her own, at the time. I dropped the shame too.

I see great progress in your post and I agree with Ago about your screen name!

PurpleWilder

Just got a call from the school saying my son hit 2 different girls at 2 different times today - one right after recess and one in the coatroom. Damn Damn DAMN DAMN. I am at my wit's end here. I soon as I start to see a glimmer of progress in any area of my life something claws me straight back down to the bottom. DAMMIT! What's the point in getting a day job if I am going to spend half of it either answering the phone hearing about how my kids are hitting people and getting into fights or running them back and forth to school because they are getting kicked off the bus for the same thing?

I think I am gonna cry.

Cowgirl1265

I dread those calls. My daughter was expelled from three different daycares by the time she was halfway through kindergarten. I was so lucky my employer is understanding.

**************{hugs}}}}}}}}} and empathy. I know how frustrating this is.

24Years

Hugs to you DirtMagnet.

When I’ve been discouraged with my children, I remind myself that I am here to lead them in the way they should go. I now look at their faults as a positive opportunity to help them build character. That spin helps me to be proud of my role as a mother, proud to be the one to discipline, and helps me to focus on what it is I can help them grow through. On a good day this means loving direction and positive parenting with reasonable discipline as needed. On a bad day…well, I’ll skip that part .

Lastly, since I don't like to miss opportunities to turn seeming negatives into positives, I now crown you DirtMagnet! Mother that attracks the dirt while proudly helping to transform it!

Redux

OK stop and take a deep breath. You were on a roll with the progress you made in your job search and quest for self-esteem. You know that your son is going to have these issues. Do NOT let that knock you back to square one.

It sucks that you have to deal with that right now, when you were on such a roll and getting strong, but don't let it stop you. Deal with the issue with your son and realize that incidents like this make it much more necessary that you get that job and build up your self esteem and live your life for yourself and not based on others' expectations.

You need to be a strong woman to deal with your childrens' challenges, and all that work you're doing to build up your self-esteem will make you STRONGER and MORE CAPABLE of dealing with your children.

Two steps forward and one step back is still forward motion!

((((HUGS))))