Newbie - would like to chat and seek advise
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Oh Live, thank you! I still haven't told him. Don't know if you read my other thread, but he told me Friday night he's going to be seeking a job out of town. There's a long story behind that. He's been married before, out of work before, sought & got work out of town before, got divorced. He lost the latest job in April, has been looking for the "ideal job" until now, but unable to get one (go figure). My relief that he may get an out of town job is huge, with guilt and sadness, though bearable all things considered. Can't wait to go to counselor, and work up the courage to go to AlAnon. SR.com is awesome! I've learned so much that I'm eager to apply. Thank you for being here! Hope you've had a good weekend!
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At Chrys's suggestion, I looked up Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Here's what I found:
Reacts to criticism with rage, shame, or humiliation - Yup
Takes advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals - Would like to sue everybody!
Has feelings of self-importance - Not only that, but they're quite elaborate fantasies, like that he's going to live forever... not kidding.
Exaggerates achievements and talents - Never quite sure if the claim of 6 master's degrees in engineering is true. And he tells stories of how he had to hide his background for varies odd reasons.
Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love - The ideal love one hits a target... he used to tell me that he's been dreaming about me; his true love, since he was a young boy. Not that anyone would belive him... except me who was so desperate for deep love. Definately not showing any signs of any love these days, much less true love. He also used to say that he could mystically predict things.
Has unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment - ya, like I'm supposed to treat him nicely when he treats me like poop.
Requires constant attention and admiration - yup
Disregards the feelings of others, lacks empathy - Yup, when I come home and tell him I had a rough day, he proceeds to tell me how much worse his was. Sheesh, he hasn't done anything but sit around supposedly looking for work on the computer. How hard can that be?
Has obsessive self-interest - self interest? Not sure about that one, except for his hair. no big deal.
Pursues mainly selfish goals
- Let's see, this year he got a motorcycle, some kind of engineering kit, goo gobs of electronic stuff, computers, cell phones, etc. Plus wants to buy a house even though there's no way we can buy one. He tries to tell real estate agents that peoples' properties are worth half of what they're listed for. What? Are we somehow thinking they're going to say; "you're right, pay half, or here... you deserve to have it for free, just move right in.
So Chrys, you were soooo right! Oh, plus the complications which are
Relationship and family problems
Alcohol or other drug dependence
Go figure.
Thanks, Summer for your prayers!
Reacts to criticism with rage, shame, or humiliation - Yup
Takes advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals - Would like to sue everybody!
Has feelings of self-importance - Not only that, but they're quite elaborate fantasies, like that he's going to live forever... not kidding.
Exaggerates achievements and talents - Never quite sure if the claim of 6 master's degrees in engineering is true. And he tells stories of how he had to hide his background for varies odd reasons.
Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love - The ideal love one hits a target... he used to tell me that he's been dreaming about me; his true love, since he was a young boy. Not that anyone would belive him... except me who was so desperate for deep love. Definately not showing any signs of any love these days, much less true love. He also used to say that he could mystically predict things.
Has unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment - ya, like I'm supposed to treat him nicely when he treats me like poop.
Requires constant attention and admiration - yup
Disregards the feelings of others, lacks empathy - Yup, when I come home and tell him I had a rough day, he proceeds to tell me how much worse his was. Sheesh, he hasn't done anything but sit around supposedly looking for work on the computer. How hard can that be?
Has obsessive self-interest - self interest? Not sure about that one, except for his hair. no big deal.
Pursues mainly selfish goals
- Let's see, this year he got a motorcycle, some kind of engineering kit, goo gobs of electronic stuff, computers, cell phones, etc. Plus wants to buy a house even though there's no way we can buy one. He tries to tell real estate agents that peoples' properties are worth half of what they're listed for. What? Are we somehow thinking they're going to say; "you're right, pay half, or here... you deserve to have it for free, just move right in.
So Chrys, you were soooo right! Oh, plus the complications which are
Relationship and family problems
Alcohol or other drug dependence
Go figure.
Thanks, Summer for your prayers!
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I announced that I'm going to the counselor
I finally told AH that I'm going to the counselor tomorrow night. He barely commented. Said he'd been there before and it's not for him.
Later he quacked some stuff under his breath about how I think he drinks too much. No s**t.
So, I'm feeling pretty good. Getting better every day.
Later he quacked some stuff under his breath about how I think he drinks too much. No s**t.
So, I'm feeling pretty good. Getting better every day.
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I guess we can all understand now why your AH is on his 3rd marriage, and that is very rocky.
I can understand the fact of you realising that friends are scarce, as it almost happened to me. I had chat with ABF when sober and just before I ceased living with him, and told him that I was leaving the situation because I was not his slave and needed my life back.
It is that old foe, CONTROL that is used to isolate the enabler, so that if they ever want to be free it is made more difficult by having no-one for support.
Thank GOD for here on SR, and that the control freaks and manipulators don't know about the support, love and advice their "slaves" can and do get here.
Counselling is a good first step for you, and I suggest you be ready for some real s**t comments from AH when he realises you are sticking with it. That will be his fears rearing their ugly heads, as he sees that he is losing his hold on you and his comfort and drinking are at risk.
I hope he gets a job, any job as long as it is out of town, so you can have a breathing space, time to think about your needs, wants and wellbeing and hopefully to be able to
attend some Alanon meetings. They could be a big face to face support and give you a real boost in your life.
I have you in my prayers Tigger.
God bless
I can understand the fact of you realising that friends are scarce, as it almost happened to me. I had chat with ABF when sober and just before I ceased living with him, and told him that I was leaving the situation because I was not his slave and needed my life back.
It is that old foe, CONTROL that is used to isolate the enabler, so that if they ever want to be free it is made more difficult by having no-one for support.
Thank GOD for here on SR, and that the control freaks and manipulators don't know about the support, love and advice their "slaves" can and do get here.
Counselling is a good first step for you, and I suggest you be ready for some real s**t comments from AH when he realises you are sticking with it. That will be his fears rearing their ugly heads, as he sees that he is losing his hold on you and his comfort and drinking are at risk.
I hope he gets a job, any job as long as it is out of town, so you can have a breathing space, time to think about your needs, wants and wellbeing and hopefully to be able to
attend some Alanon meetings. They could be a big face to face support and give you a real boost in your life.
I have you in my prayers Tigger.
God bless
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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Oh tigger!!! 
I am maybe an OTT doglover but I can assure you that in my limited experience, anyone who is cowardly enough to beat a dog, will only turn his or her fury next onto a human being.
I am sat here in tears that he beat your dog. And please therefore don't asume that just because he never has laid a hand on you, there won't be a first time.
Please, be careful?? ************** hugs }}}}}}}
I am maybe an OTT doglover but I can assure you that in my limited experience, anyone who is cowardly enough to beat a dog, will only turn his or her fury next onto a human being.
I am sat here in tears that he beat your dog. And please therefore don't asume that just because he never has laid a hand on you, there won't be a first time.
Please, be careful?? ************** hugs }}}}}}}
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Dearest Friends,
My usual way of doing things is to skip happily through life just taking everything in the moment. But you're right, Jad, I need to expect reactions from AH. And actually, I did that last night on my way home from the counselor. But AH was passed out, so no "discussions". For the 2nd day in a row, he's also still sleeping (on the couch) when I leave for work, and drunk when I get home. It's so much fun... an present but absent AH who only communicates with me to tell me something I'm doing wrong.
AlAnon - OH you can believe I'll be attending meetings whether or not he goes out of town.
As far as AH being on his 3rd marriage, yes you're right Jad, but I'm on my 2nd. I don't want to be one of those glass house dwellers and throw stones. But I know what you mean. Through this time in my life, I want to take care of ME and not get involved with any other relationship with a man/potential mate. That has NOT been my MO. I don't like being alone (realized that recently... Ms. Independant doesn't like being alone... revelation!), and THIS time, I'm going to ride solo for a GOOD long time, at the moment I'm thinking forEVER. But that's just the pain talking, I realize.
Hummm, I'm a-rambling, aren't I.
Thank you for being there!
(((HUGS))) - T I double GG eerrrrrr.
My usual way of doing things is to skip happily through life just taking everything in the moment. But you're right, Jad, I need to expect reactions from AH. And actually, I did that last night on my way home from the counselor. But AH was passed out, so no "discussions". For the 2nd day in a row, he's also still sleeping (on the couch) when I leave for work, and drunk when I get home. It's so much fun... an present but absent AH who only communicates with me to tell me something I'm doing wrong.
AlAnon - OH you can believe I'll be attending meetings whether or not he goes out of town.
As far as AH being on his 3rd marriage, yes you're right Jad, but I'm on my 2nd. I don't want to be one of those glass house dwellers and throw stones. But I know what you mean. Through this time in my life, I want to take care of ME and not get involved with any other relationship with a man/potential mate. That has NOT been my MO. I don't like being alone (realized that recently... Ms. Independant doesn't like being alone... revelation!), and THIS time, I'm going to ride solo for a GOOD long time, at the moment I'm thinking forEVER. But that's just the pain talking, I realize.
Hummm, I'm a-rambling, aren't I.
Thank you for being there!
(((HUGS))) - T I double GG eerrrrrr.
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Sharing with the SR community my thoughts from last night that I shared in a PM with Chrys, this is after returning home from my 1st session with a DV/Alcohol/A-Families counselor:
I dearly appreciate your empathy Chrys. Today, at this moment, I feel very positive. Jim (AH) is passed out on the couch, I'm all alone with my babies (2 dogs and a kitten), I'm hoping I won't have to tell him to leave because instead, he'll get an out of town job, and I'll just slip the divorce in after he's been gone awhile. Or not, maybe we can just live separately. I dunno. But I'm not worried about it... for now.
I went to a DV/alcoholic families counselor for the 1st time tonight! I never would have done that had it not been for this new SR family who's tucked me under their collective wing. I basically gave counselor the short version in my allotted hour. He suggested that 2 incidents that I described were indicative of a larger problem than simply alcohol (perhaps mental health, perhaps a combo of a prescription med + alchohol). He listened carefully, and didn't tell me to get out of the relationship, and yes, for the puppy lovers among us, I did tell him about the beating of Dakota the dog 2x. But did tell me that he was listening for indicators from me, that would suggest that was the right thing to do NOW (getting out of the relationship). But I also told him I'm keeping a sharp eye on AH, and he thought that was a good idea, and I have counselor's emergency numbers. I can also fun faster than AH, LOL-sort of.
If I see him beat Dakota again, I'll tell him to leave on the spot. I'm probably copping out, but somehow it'll be easier 'in the moment' if you know what I mean.
I want to work with the counselor, and do some AlAnon'ing before I make big decisions. I know you all have been through this yourselves, and with others' a bazillion times, but I need to be sure I'm doing the right thing. I'm all ears and soaking all the SR everythings up like a sponge. Getting so much out of everybody's posts. All of it is feeding into the decision process. My marriage is too big a promise to walk out on a weeks' worth of information. I'm not even sure my SR family would agree that going from where I was a week ago, to getting out NOW is perfect wisdom. I almost feel as though I'm a different person now than I was a week ago, but I don't know this ME or this process well enough to go headlong into it at this moment.
So there ya have it. I'll keep you posted. ****{HUGS}}}
I dearly appreciate your empathy Chrys. Today, at this moment, I feel very positive. Jim (AH) is passed out on the couch, I'm all alone with my babies (2 dogs and a kitten), I'm hoping I won't have to tell him to leave because instead, he'll get an out of town job, and I'll just slip the divorce in after he's been gone awhile. Or not, maybe we can just live separately. I dunno. But I'm not worried about it... for now.
I went to a DV/alcoholic families counselor for the 1st time tonight! I never would have done that had it not been for this new SR family who's tucked me under their collective wing. I basically gave counselor the short version in my allotted hour. He suggested that 2 incidents that I described were indicative of a larger problem than simply alcohol (perhaps mental health, perhaps a combo of a prescription med + alchohol). He listened carefully, and didn't tell me to get out of the relationship, and yes, for the puppy lovers among us, I did tell him about the beating of Dakota the dog 2x. But did tell me that he was listening for indicators from me, that would suggest that was the right thing to do NOW (getting out of the relationship). But I also told him I'm keeping a sharp eye on AH, and he thought that was a good idea, and I have counselor's emergency numbers. I can also fun faster than AH, LOL-sort of.
If I see him beat Dakota again, I'll tell him to leave on the spot. I'm probably copping out, but somehow it'll be easier 'in the moment' if you know what I mean.
I want to work with the counselor, and do some AlAnon'ing before I make big decisions. I know you all have been through this yourselves, and with others' a bazillion times, but I need to be sure I'm doing the right thing. I'm all ears and soaking all the SR everythings up like a sponge. Getting so much out of everybody's posts. All of it is feeding into the decision process. My marriage is too big a promise to walk out on a weeks' worth of information. I'm not even sure my SR family would agree that going from where I was a week ago, to getting out NOW is perfect wisdom. I almost feel as though I'm a different person now than I was a week ago, but I don't know this ME or this process well enough to go headlong into it at this moment.
So there ya have it. I'll keep you posted. ****{HUGS}}}
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Wow, you sound stronger already. Remember baby steps are a good thing, atleast for me anyway. Have you heard of the three A's?
Awareness, Acceptance, Action
Here is a reading from an Alanon daily reader called "Courage to Change" for April 1:
I've heard acceptance mationed at meetings as part of the three A's - Awareness, acceptance, Action. However, I am inclined to try to jump from Awareness to Action without even pausing for acceptance. My thinking goes like this: "Something's wrong! Quick, let me fix it before I have to feel any discomfort."
The problem is until I accept the situation, defect, or memory that has come to my awareness, I can rarely take effective action or live serenely with the consequences. The action doesn't work or it makes things worse, and I feel helpless and hopeless. Even if it does work I am usually too full of self-doubt to realize it. Most of the time, I still have to go back, sit still, and feel the feelings, and come to some acceptance. It helps to be reminded that my Higher Power already accepts me and my situation--and loves me on the bad days as well as the good.
Todays Reminder --- Moving from awareness to acceptance to action takes time, but the benefits are worth the wait. As I learn to accept my defects, circumstances, and feelings I learn that I am a worthwhile human being just as I am. With that kind of self acceptance, I begin to see my options, and slowly I can begin to take action, to change.
Awareness, Acceptance, Action
Here is a reading from an Alanon daily reader called "Courage to Change" for April 1:
I've heard acceptance mationed at meetings as part of the three A's - Awareness, acceptance, Action. However, I am inclined to try to jump from Awareness to Action without even pausing for acceptance. My thinking goes like this: "Something's wrong! Quick, let me fix it before I have to feel any discomfort."
The problem is until I accept the situation, defect, or memory that has come to my awareness, I can rarely take effective action or live serenely with the consequences. The action doesn't work or it makes things worse, and I feel helpless and hopeless. Even if it does work I am usually too full of self-doubt to realize it. Most of the time, I still have to go back, sit still, and feel the feelings, and come to some acceptance. It helps to be reminded that my Higher Power already accepts me and my situation--and loves me on the bad days as well as the good.
Todays Reminder --- Moving from awareness to acceptance to action takes time, but the benefits are worth the wait. As I learn to accept my defects, circumstances, and feelings I learn that I am a worthwhile human being just as I am. With that kind of self acceptance, I begin to see my options, and slowly I can begin to take action, to change.
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Chrys - are you suggesting that I might be skipping the acceptance part, too? I'm very much a "hurry up and get it done" person, so it wouldn't surprise me. I don't know all the right steps yet, and I'm glad to hear about the 3 A's (these A's are GOOD ones YAY!).
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Unless you are sure of what you want and need to do, jumping the gun is a surefire way of having second thoughts or a dose of the guilts somewhere later on.
Only when I have enough information before me, looking at that very closely, and then accepting the truth of what I see, hear and feel, can I make a sound, rational decision or choice.
In the past, if something happened that really upset me I would go into action mode with little thought being given the situation. I mostly ended up feeling silly, guilty or being manipulated because "I owed" someone recompense for my behavior.
Now I look for the sharks and other nasties in the water before jumping in.
Taking time to look at what actually IS, and having ALL the facts before deciding what I need to do, saves me from hasty actions that generally backfire on me. This way I can act, feeling comfortable in doing so, and not having to backpedal when I find out I have not done my homework and have got it wrong.
With an A already having a go and doing the blame game, one doesn't need to help them by ACTUALLY doing something they can legitimately call you on.
It doesn't take much longer to make sure what is the best way to handle something and it sure saves me a lot of stress, and at times, egg on face.
God bless
Only when I have enough information before me, looking at that very closely, and then accepting the truth of what I see, hear and feel, can I make a sound, rational decision or choice.
In the past, if something happened that really upset me I would go into action mode with little thought being given the situation. I mostly ended up feeling silly, guilty or being manipulated because "I owed" someone recompense for my behavior.
Now I look for the sharks and other nasties in the water before jumping in.
Taking time to look at what actually IS, and having ALL the facts before deciding what I need to do, saves me from hasty actions that generally backfire on me. This way I can act, feeling comfortable in doing so, and not having to backpedal when I find out I have not done my homework and have got it wrong.
With an A already having a go and doing the blame game, one doesn't need to help them by ACTUALLY doing something they can legitimately call you on.
It doesn't take much longer to make sure what is the best way to handle something and it sure saves me a lot of stress, and at times, egg on face.
God bless
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Originally Posted by tigger11 
Chrys - are you suggesting that I might be skipping the acceptance part, too?
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Originally Posted by Chrysalis123
I don't know if you are or not.
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