Newbie - would like to chat and seek advise
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Originally Posted by tigger11 
Any suggestions how I can let my AH know I'm going to counseling? He's told me repeatedly how, in a nutshell, a counselor caused all kinds of "bad things" with his x-wife.
It may help to think of this as an opportunity to practice boundary setting. You might think about detaching from his reaction to it -- anything that he says about it, good or bad (and it will probably be derogatory) is just "quacking." Whatever he says, as he says it, just think to yourself "qack, quack, quack." That might help you avoid having an emotional reaction to his disapproval. You can simply state "This is something I am doing for me and has nothing to do with you."
Are you afraid he will get violent with you if you have this conversation?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
LOL quack quack quack it is! And yes, this is me, and doing for me. I'll get used to that eventually. Keep reminding me.
I am ever so slightly afraid he'll get physically violent, but at this point, I think it's unlikely. He's beaten one of our dogs, but never laid a hand on me. It's all intellectual/emotional. However, I think it's prudent to be careful, have a cell phone handy and my running shoes on, if ya know what I mean.
I am ever so slightly afraid he'll get physically violent, but at this point, I think it's unlikely. He's beaten one of our dogs, but never laid a hand on me. It's all intellectual/emotional. However, I think it's prudent to be careful, have a cell phone handy and my running shoes on, if ya know what I mean.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Do you really need to tell him right now? I was always very clear and upfront with my AH about what I was doing, where I was going, etc. Well, I mean there wasn't much to tell really, going to the grocery or taking the kiddo to school right?
But he never shared anything with me. He came and went, spent as he pleased, just like he lived alone.
So I stopped sharing.
But he never shared anything with me. He came and went, spent as he pleased, just like he lived alone.
So I stopped sharing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Of course he has some horrifying tale to tell about counselling with the ex-wife. Anything that has the potential to derail his addiction and your putting up with it cannot be allowed to happen. I bet if you ever discussed it with the ex wife you'd hear something about how they went to counselling once, the subject of his drinking came up, and they never returned.
I would be careful to consider your motives for telling him anything about your healing process. There were many times after I came here and after I started detaching and setting boundaries that I wanted to tell XABF all about it. I wanted to tell him how I was healing myself whether he was ever going to seek recovery or not. I wanted to tell him how I received validation of all the fear, confusion, and anger I had over his addiction from folks here and from reading on living with an alcoholic. When I took advice from members here and considered my motives, I realized that behind every desire to tell him these things was the hope that with just one phrase or one proclamation, he would see the light and stop the destruction.
After time, the desire to explain to him my recovery process lessened and eventually fell away.
Please keep yourself and your recovery safe.
Alice
I would be careful to consider your motives for telling him anything about your healing process. There were many times after I came here and after I started detaching and setting boundaries that I wanted to tell XABF all about it. I wanted to tell him how I was healing myself whether he was ever going to seek recovery or not. I wanted to tell him how I received validation of all the fear, confusion, and anger I had over his addiction from folks here and from reading on living with an alcoholic. When I took advice from members here and considered my motives, I realized that behind every desire to tell him these things was the hope that with just one phrase or one proclamation, he would see the light and stop the destruction.
After time, the desire to explain to him my recovery process lessened and eventually fell away.
Please keep yourself and your recovery safe.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I know that I was afraid not to tell the truth about everything, all the time.
He certainly did not hold himself to that, only demanded it of me.
I don't know what yours will do.
Mine would steal my keys,
Turn off the phone.
Disable my car.
Steal and hide my shoes.
Chain the axle of my car with a logchain to a sturdy post.
Take the phone to work with him.
Blah. Blah. Blah.
In other words, anything to keep me in his control.
You know your situation best.
Try to "play the tape through" as they say...if I do this, what are the likely outcomes?
He certainly did not hold himself to that, only demanded it of me.
I don't know what yours will do.
Mine would steal my keys,
Turn off the phone.
Disable my car.
Steal and hide my shoes.
Chain the axle of my car with a logchain to a sturdy post.
Take the phone to work with him.
Blah. Blah. Blah.
In other words, anything to keep me in his control.
You know your situation best.
Try to "play the tape through" as they say...if I do this, what are the likely outcomes?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Originally Posted by tigger11
I am ever so slightly afraid he'll get physically violent, but at this point, I think it's unlikely. He's beaten one of our dogs, but never laid a hand on me. It's all intellectual/emotional. However, I think it's prudent to be careful, have a cell phone handy and my running shoes on, if ya know what I mean.
If he has hurt an animal, he is capable of hurting a human. You are right to be careful. I think it is worth considering finding a new living situation where you will be safe.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Listen to your gut instinct expressing fear he may hit you. You may find interest and help in the book, "Why Does He do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. Also I learned a lot when I read up on Narcissism and Narcissistic personality Disorder. There are some great forums on that topic on the web.
MsSweetums
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by Pelican
Welcome to the SR family tigger!
You have gotten some advise to help you help yourself. Your AH is using manipulation, blame, guilt, lies, accusations and other nasty behavior to control and demean you. You can't control him. You need to protect yourself.
You did not cause him to be this way.
You won't be able to control him in any way.
You will not be able to cure him.
Your mental, emotional, and spiritual health are at risk. We want to see you take care of yourself and get the respect and love you deserve.
Keep reaching out. We're glad you are here!
You have gotten some advise to help you help yourself. Your AH is using manipulation, blame, guilt, lies, accusations and other nasty behavior to control and demean you. You can't control him. You need to protect yourself.
You did not cause him to be this way.
You won't be able to control him in any way.
You will not be able to cure him.
Your mental, emotional, and spiritual health are at risk. We want to see you take care of yourself and get the respect and love you deserve.
Keep reaching out. We're glad you are here!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Live... mine doesn't do that. I'm so sorry you had to deal with all that.
I'm telling you, it's all head games. He messes with my mind, then when I get upset or ticked, says; "I was just playing." Then gets all ticked and says; "See if I ever have fun with you any more." And stomps off pouting. For this one, he'll say something like; "fine, go. tell them it's all my fault. Is that really where you're going, or are you going to see one of your boy friends again? Just don't come back from your SHRINK all high and mighty and telling me what to do, and for &*^S's sake, don't tell him anything personal about me. There are somethings you just don't tell other people, they should be just between a husband and wife". Etc. blah, quack quack. Then for the next... who knows... day, month, year, longer, he'll be grumpy and snappy and critical when he's not being silent.
Cowgirl and Chrys, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't know how to get out. I have no friends anymore. He criticizes all my friends, and doesn't want me or us to have anything to do with them. No church anymore. My family all live in different states. I can't afford to lose my job. (Oh BTW, that reminds me... for the sake of making my saga even more interesting, he "lost" his job the end of April this year. Ya I know, HUGE surprise. Why, because he got ticked at the boss and told her off. She fired him. Dah. But he's not wrong. Oh no, SHE is, and he wants to sue her a*&). HE has no place to go, he moved here from Boston when we got married 2 years ago, he doesn't even have a car. So there's really no place for either of us to go.
And Alice, yes, I've thought about his X a lot, poor thing! She was married to him for 8 years. I can only imagine what she must have been through. You're so right about not saying about my healing (in its infant stages at this very moment). He'll criticize it in ways I can't even imagine.
Okay, folks. I'll think of some way to getting out, or getting him out. But I'm very prone to jumping into things quickly. I'm going to see the counselor, get some initial feelings for how it's going to go, and put some solid thought into physical separation.
Oh, and Ms. Sweetums... I'm getting the gist of this thing. I'm guessing you're one of the wonderful people that oversees this forum. Bless you for your kind words and your welcome!
Lord I can't believe how much you folks have already encouraged me!
I'm telling you, it's all head games. He messes with my mind, then when I get upset or ticked, says; "I was just playing." Then gets all ticked and says; "See if I ever have fun with you any more." And stomps off pouting. For this one, he'll say something like; "fine, go. tell them it's all my fault. Is that really where you're going, or are you going to see one of your boy friends again? Just don't come back from your SHRINK all high and mighty and telling me what to do, and for &*^S's sake, don't tell him anything personal about me. There are somethings you just don't tell other people, they should be just between a husband and wife". Etc. blah, quack quack. Then for the next... who knows... day, month, year, longer, he'll be grumpy and snappy and critical when he's not being silent.
Cowgirl and Chrys, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't know how to get out. I have no friends anymore. He criticizes all my friends, and doesn't want me or us to have anything to do with them. No church anymore. My family all live in different states. I can't afford to lose my job. (Oh BTW, that reminds me... for the sake of making my saga even more interesting, he "lost" his job the end of April this year. Ya I know, HUGE surprise. Why, because he got ticked at the boss and told her off. She fired him. Dah. But he's not wrong. Oh no, SHE is, and he wants to sue her a*&). HE has no place to go, he moved here from Boston when we got married 2 years ago, he doesn't even have a car. So there's really no place for either of us to go.
And Alice, yes, I've thought about his X a lot, poor thing! She was married to him for 8 years. I can only imagine what she must have been through. You're so right about not saying about my healing (in its infant stages at this very moment). He'll criticize it in ways I can't even imagine.
Okay, folks. I'll think of some way to getting out, or getting him out. But I'm very prone to jumping into things quickly. I'm going to see the counselor, get some initial feelings for how it's going to go, and put some solid thought into physical separation.
Oh, and Ms. Sweetums... I'm getting the gist of this thing. I'm guessing you're one of the wonderful people that oversees this forum. Bless you for your kind words and your welcome!
Lord I can't believe how much you folks have already encouraged me!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Okay you guys, don't leave me. I need you and I need to talk.
I just called my Mum and stepdad (they are active in AA and AlAnon, if you recall from earlier). They were very supportive! Of course. I just hope they don't worry now.
My whole being is filled with adreniline. I'm shaking, throat filled with near tears.
Thinking about how to deal with living arrangements, finance, my 15 year old son (who primarily lives with his Dad), my pets, my job... all those ancillary things that have to be dealt with in order to deal with this situation. It's all so huge.
Is anybody out there?
I just called my Mum and stepdad (they are active in AA and AlAnon, if you recall from earlier). They were very supportive! Of course. I just hope they don't worry now.
My whole being is filled with adreniline. I'm shaking, throat filled with near tears.
Thinking about how to deal with living arrangements, finance, my 15 year old son (who primarily lives with his Dad), my pets, my job... all those ancillary things that have to be dealt with in order to deal with this situation. It's all so huge.
Is anybody out there?
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
tigger,
Isolation is normal when living in this type situation, but again it's something you have to fix for yourself. Ask for help, there is nothing shameful or bad about asking for what you need. You made a first step calling your parents, and that's wonderful
It may seem huge right now, but if you break it down into small steps it's doable. And, nothing has to be done right this second. Take some time to relax and calm a bit. Take a deep breath.
Isolation is normal when living in this type situation, but again it's something you have to fix for yourself. Ask for help, there is nothing shameful or bad about asking for what you need. You made a first step calling your parents, and that's wonderful
It may seem huge right now, but if you break it down into small steps it's doable. And, nothing has to be done right this second. Take some time to relax and calm a bit. Take a deep breath.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Breathe!
Deep breath in
Slow exhale out
Repeat
Deep breath in (chant: peacefulness in)
Slow exhale out (chant: fear out)
I'm not far behind you in age. My parents are deceased. I'm all I got! I come with a 13 yo, and a 17yo, plus a dog and a cat.
Start with a lawyer. Plan to talk with at least 2 lawyers. My first legal consultation was a disaster. I ended up crying uncontrollably. He told me it would be too expensive to fight my AH over all the debt and house downpayment. After I got over that bad advice, I got angry and more determined not to spend the rest of my life with an active alcoholic because I couldn't "afford" to leave.
Next step. pray. Okay, maybe that should be step one!
For me, my Higher Power gave me options I had not considered.
And ask questions here, lots of wisdom in this forum!
Deep breath in
Slow exhale out
Repeat
Deep breath in (chant: peacefulness in)
Slow exhale out (chant: fear out)
I'm not far behind you in age. My parents are deceased. I'm all I got! I come with a 13 yo, and a 17yo, plus a dog and a cat.
Start with a lawyer. Plan to talk with at least 2 lawyers. My first legal consultation was a disaster. I ended up crying uncontrollably. He told me it would be too expensive to fight my AH over all the debt and house downpayment. After I got over that bad advice, I got angry and more determined not to spend the rest of my life with an active alcoholic because I couldn't "afford" to leave.
Next step. pray. Okay, maybe that should be step one!
For me, my Higher Power gave me options I had not considered.
And ask questions here, lots of wisdom in this forum!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Okay breathing exercises done. Went and played a game on this web site (this site has everything). More relaxed now. How about
1) first step pray... need to get into that more
2) counselor on Monday
3) between now and then, think things through, get perspective, find and GO TO an alanon meeting (Andy/stepdad encouraged this)
Lawyer maybe. I've only just arrived to this place. I'd not considered divorce/laywers/etc before. That's big scary.
Being here has helped me to see that I may not be safe with the AH. So at least temporarily a physical move is needed.
How does that sound for a start my question answer friends?
1) first step pray... need to get into that more
2) counselor on Monday
3) between now and then, think things through, get perspective, find and GO TO an alanon meeting (Andy/stepdad encouraged this)
Lawyer maybe. I've only just arrived to this place. I'd not considered divorce/laywers/etc before. That's big scary.
Being here has helped me to see that I may not be safe with the AH. So at least temporarily a physical move is needed.
How does that sound for a start my question answer friends?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Sounds like a good start. Around here we talk of baby steps, It took you a few years to arrive where you are and it won't be undone in a day.
Visiting a lawyer doesn't mean you will divorce. I viewed my initial visits as an educational experience. I needed to learn what my rights and responsibilities were in the eyes of my state in the event I decided to divorce. Gaining that knowledge was liberating and erased some of the fear I was lugging around each day.
Be gentle with yourself. Take extra special care of you each and every day. You will figure this out.
Visiting a lawyer doesn't mean you will divorce. I viewed my initial visits as an educational experience. I needed to learn what my rights and responsibilities were in the eyes of my state in the event I decided to divorce. Gaining that knowledge was liberating and erased some of the fear I was lugging around each day.
Be gentle with yourself. Take extra special care of you each and every day. You will figure this out.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi there tigger-
for me, i "protected" my xABF. i didn't tell anyone what was going on. once i got here, i started talking. it helped break the spell. after a while, instead of hearing his explanation for the last episode, all i started hearing was "quack, quack, quack". i started paying attention to what he DID and not what he SAID. that combined with no alcohol for myself, and things got clearer.
mine was threatened by SR. he threatened to throw my laptop out the window. he actually did throw my phone out the window once, when i was talking to a friend.
he doesn't need to know everything you're doing. it's your life. be careful. i don't like that he hurt the dog, that means he's not in control of his anger and might lash out at you. mine did. i never thought he would, but he did.
your recovery is a process, a journey. it's painful but it also has its fantastic moments. they might be able to pull the wool over our eyes or play us, but they are no match for the bunch of us!
naive
for me, i "protected" my xABF. i didn't tell anyone what was going on. once i got here, i started talking. it helped break the spell. after a while, instead of hearing his explanation for the last episode, all i started hearing was "quack, quack, quack". i started paying attention to what he DID and not what he SAID. that combined with no alcohol for myself, and things got clearer.
mine was threatened by SR. he threatened to throw my laptop out the window. he actually did throw my phone out the window once, when i was talking to a friend.
he doesn't need to know everything you're doing. it's your life. be careful. i don't like that he hurt the dog, that means he's not in control of his anger and might lash out at you. mine did. i never thought he would, but he did.
your recovery is a process, a journey. it's painful but it also has its fantastic moments. they might be able to pull the wool over our eyes or play us, but they are no match for the bunch of us!
naive
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
I am encouraged. I'm at work now, so feel less isolated. Sshhhooo, this is both frightening and exhillerating!
Sometimes the small things are tough, ya? My big struggle at the moment is how to tell AH I'm going to a counselor on Monday, and at some point, AlAnon. It dawned on me this morning (as I slept on the couch again) that AH was the one who said I had such major issues in his drunken verbal blast on Sunday night. Well, if I've got such major issues, and HE hasn't been able to help me fix them in our 2 years of marriage, then obviously I need additional help (I won't say the part about him not being able to "fix" me). Please keep in mind this is all "tongue in cheek". Obviously to my SR friends and me, I'm going to a counselor to deal with my issues with myself with regard to AH and to deal with the DV. (Hey... I'm getting these SR acronyms down)
Somewhere I was reading on this forum about lying. While lying is not something I condone, this one's going to have to do, for safetys' sake.
I'm sure there will still be silences and objections and whatevers's, but perhaps this will round off the edges a little. Anyway, it's going to give me the courage to tell him.
I'll let you all know when my courage reaches the stage that I can tell him (I might wait 'til the very last minute), and what the results are.
Bless you all! And please, stay with me. I need you.
Tigg
Sometimes the small things are tough, ya? My big struggle at the moment is how to tell AH I'm going to a counselor on Monday, and at some point, AlAnon. It dawned on me this morning (as I slept on the couch again) that AH was the one who said I had such major issues in his drunken verbal blast on Sunday night. Well, if I've got such major issues, and HE hasn't been able to help me fix them in our 2 years of marriage, then obviously I need additional help (I won't say the part about him not being able to "fix" me). Please keep in mind this is all "tongue in cheek". Obviously to my SR friends and me, I'm going to a counselor to deal with my issues with myself with regard to AH and to deal with the DV. (Hey... I'm getting these SR acronyms down)
Somewhere I was reading on this forum about lying. While lying is not something I condone, this one's going to have to do, for safetys' sake.
I'm sure there will still be silences and objections and whatevers's, but perhaps this will round off the edges a little. Anyway, it's going to give me the courage to tell him.
I'll let you all know when my courage reaches the stage that I can tell him (I might wait 'til the very last minute), and what the results are.
Bless you all! And please, stay with me. I need you.
Tigg
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
