Moving forward is not as easy as it sounds
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Just finished reading the article on "hooks which keep us in boundary-less relationships" Wonderful article full of good information. Didn't quite find mine there but was reminded to examine the rationality of my thoughts here.
Update: Rel has been mostly good until this weekend. We had a mini repeat of Aug. I was stressed out about a lot of things mostly minor - everything that matters is ok. I shared this with my RAH looking for sympathy and initially was told that he was having a stressful day and would be over later than expected and listen more at that time. One call later we were arguing and he cancelled coming over. I really question his ability to be there for me.
Looking for advice or helpful info on the first year of sobriety and marriage relationships. In my readings, it seems normal that our time together is much less than ever, the quality is better but then other things happen that I don't like - such as his distancing behaviors when disturbed, being disorganized, forgetful, obsessive at times, and tired all the time. Are these normal and do they get better?
And excuse me for saying this but I will... " how hard is it to get through a normal day?" He has problems managing an apt by himself - he works, runs, attends church once a week, and reads a lot... how hard can it be?" OK, got it out of my system. I am the person who worked two jobs, went to grad school and did internships, took care of two children, a house and a terminally parent -oh yeah, and managed a major health issue. couldn't do that now... but you get my point.
Update: Rel has been mostly good until this weekend. We had a mini repeat of Aug. I was stressed out about a lot of things mostly minor - everything that matters is ok. I shared this with my RAH looking for sympathy and initially was told that he was having a stressful day and would be over later than expected and listen more at that time. One call later we were arguing and he cancelled coming over. I really question his ability to be there for me.
Looking for advice or helpful info on the first year of sobriety and marriage relationships. In my readings, it seems normal that our time together is much less than ever, the quality is better but then other things happen that I don't like - such as his distancing behaviors when disturbed, being disorganized, forgetful, obsessive at times, and tired all the time. Are these normal and do they get better?
And excuse me for saying this but I will... " how hard is it to get through a normal day?" He has problems managing an apt by himself - he works, runs, attends church once a week, and reads a lot... how hard can it be?" OK, got it out of my system. I am the person who worked two jobs, went to grad school and did internships, took care of two children, a house and a terminally parent -oh yeah, and managed a major health issue. couldn't do that now... but you get my point.
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STill working on the boundary setting specific to two things: the first is about how negatively and self centered he is in reacting to me, the second is about getting my issues resolved in the relationship.
I am having a hard time balancing my needs to move forward and have the relationship I was expecting when we got married a few years ago and understanding that he needs time to figure things out how to do life period.
I married for companionship mostly but feel very alone and much like I am going through a really bad divorce (and no we are there yet). I try to see the illness part of A but he isn't acting like a "sick" person but a "crazy" one.
I am reading the material here as much as I can to understand but does anyone out there ever feel frustrated that we have to do the understanding and it seems like RAH doesn't. It isn't that he hasn't expressed some knowledge that his behavior was unacceptable toward me but he gets angry everytime I express a need - as he "thinks" I am reminding him of his drinking days when he didn't care. This is just one example of how his negativity comes up.
Another ex. that comes up is when I ask him not to do something he starts an argument over it insisting that I am misunderstanding him - blames me for criticisizing him and then wants an apology. In the mean time, he totally ignores my request and obviously doesn't care how I feel about being ignored and then blamed for saying anything.
I really don't know what to do anymore. Right now we have lived apart more than together and we aren't even talking. When things are good - and it seems to only last a short time - it is really decent. But when it takes a negative turn - it goes on forever. HELP
I am having a hard time balancing my needs to move forward and have the relationship I was expecting when we got married a few years ago and understanding that he needs time to figure things out how to do life period.
I married for companionship mostly but feel very alone and much like I am going through a really bad divorce (and no we are there yet). I try to see the illness part of A but he isn't acting like a "sick" person but a "crazy" one.
I am reading the material here as much as I can to understand but does anyone out there ever feel frustrated that we have to do the understanding and it seems like RAH doesn't. It isn't that he hasn't expressed some knowledge that his behavior was unacceptable toward me but he gets angry everytime I express a need - as he "thinks" I am reminding him of his drinking days when he didn't care. This is just one example of how his negativity comes up.
Another ex. that comes up is when I ask him not to do something he starts an argument over it insisting that I am misunderstanding him - blames me for criticisizing him and then wants an apology. In the mean time, he totally ignores my request and obviously doesn't care how I feel about being ignored and then blamed for saying anything.
I really don't know what to do anymore. Right now we have lived apart more than together and we aren't even talking. When things are good - and it seems to only last a short time - it is really decent. But when it takes a negative turn - it goes on forever. HELP
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Seems that setting boundaries works... over the weekend RAH called, I remained firm but not angry and he admitted he was wrong. He backed off, did some reading himself /about men/ anger/ spirituality and then apologized.
Good part is that I was good either way - I had a good week and weekend without him, I got a lot accomplished and just confirmed that I would be ok on my own. I also got to say what I needed without getting angry, and better yet was that he didn't get angry. Progress.
Good part is that I was good either way - I had a good week and weekend without him, I got a lot accomplished and just confirmed that I would be ok on my own. I also got to say what I needed without getting angry, and better yet was that he didn't get angry. Progress.
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AMEN! Feels grand! Better yet that we had a great week. I noticed his posture and facial expression is changed - more peaceful and strong. He is reaching out to me in ways that I have asked for showing that he is listening and that feels good. No more pushiness or arguing - he insists that nothing is that important to drive us apart anymore. Also, aware of his three week cycle and preparing himself to cope better.
Me... I am resting, getting things done... enjoying my life.
Me... I am resting, getting things done... enjoying my life.
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Originally Posted by Mitsy 
My guy claimed to want to get sober several times. His behavior would be OK "for a while" only to spiral out of control with the drinking when he was stressed or upset about something else (usually it was not related to anything I had done or said). In his sober moments, he would often talk about how none of this was my fault but then he'd try to rely on his own resources to change his behavior only to fall again & again when it didn't work. Why he would not go to AA is anyone's guess. He complained about how much it cost to go to the detox place (even with insurance) but AA is FREE and he still refused to go.
Denial is an interesting thing. Even though he could admit that he was an alcoholic, he still didn't think he was so bad that he needed AA.
He was hateful, resentful and blamed a lot of other people for his own problems.
I still believe he is likely an undiagnosed Bi-Polar sufferer but that's speculation on my part (and his step-mom & ex-wife).
Denial is an interesting thing. Even though he could admit that he was an alcoholic, he still didn't think he was so bad that he needed AA.
He was hateful, resentful and blamed a lot of other people for his own problems.
I still believe he is likely an undiagnosed Bi-Polar sufferer but that's speculation on my part (and his step-mom & ex-wife).
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Hey, dreamer...
Just read your note.... I have gone through this episode with my RAH a few times. Even getting sober for months at a time he would shift this way and that way. The longer the sobriety, the better it gets or the better you get at expecting some miraculous change in him. My RAH has certainly gone through changes and is not the same as before... but I have had to work on myself and get to the point that I don't respond to things much. Reading a lot of the alanon material and the step work has helped me to understand that my RAH has his own path to recovery and I have my mine. Keep reading.
Would like to support you... how can I find you... ( I'm a bit older than most here so I get lost in the technology.):ghug2
Just read your note.... I have gone through this episode with my RAH a few times. Even getting sober for months at a time he would shift this way and that way. The longer the sobriety, the better it gets or the better you get at expecting some miraculous change in him. My RAH has certainly gone through changes and is not the same as before... but I have had to work on myself and get to the point that I don't respond to things much. Reading a lot of the alanon material and the step work has helped me to understand that my RAH has his own path to recovery and I have my mine. Keep reading.
Would like to support you... how can I find you... ( I'm a bit older than most here so I get lost in the technology.):ghug2
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