Moving forward is not as easy as it sounds
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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Kassie-
I don't have much to add to the sages before me (just scroll up!) except this. My RAH has been sober for almost 5 years. I wasn't aware he was an alcoholic-truly-as this disease is insidious, and I simply didn't realize it was a problem for him until he slipped one day and I found out.
My experience with a RAH has been that this disease is a disease of abnormal behaviors. Once he stopped drinking-and I had not attended an Al-Anon meeting-all was NOT fine in paradise. It has been up and down like any relationship except with the disease twist to it. I've been attending individual therapy for 1-1/2 years now, attend al-anon when I can and focus on myself. I mean REALLY focus on my happiness with the reality that he may or may not be on board. And, if he isn't on board-[I][B]it can't be my problem, because I am so important to me...[B][I
Lately-I hit a place internally where I realize things have to change and I cannot control anything but me. And, the more I let go...with love and support for my RAH, the happier I have become. It is truly a phenomena for me because for years I have made the self imposed sacrifices...now I realize I don't NEED to sacrifice anything-to have happiness in my life. My RAH will do whatever he wants to do...regardless of what I give up.
I don't have much to add to the sages before me (just scroll up!) except this. My RAH has been sober for almost 5 years. I wasn't aware he was an alcoholic-truly-as this disease is insidious, and I simply didn't realize it was a problem for him until he slipped one day and I found out.
My experience with a RAH has been that this disease is a disease of abnormal behaviors. Once he stopped drinking-and I had not attended an Al-Anon meeting-all was NOT fine in paradise. It has been up and down like any relationship except with the disease twist to it. I've been attending individual therapy for 1-1/2 years now, attend al-anon when I can and focus on myself. I mean REALLY focus on my happiness with the reality that he may or may not be on board. And, if he isn't on board-[I][B]it can't be my problem, because I am so important to me...[B][I
Lately-I hit a place internally where I realize things have to change and I cannot control anything but me. And, the more I let go...with love and support for my RAH, the happier I have become. It is truly a phenomena for me because for years I have made the self imposed sacrifices...now I realize I don't NEED to sacrifice anything-to have happiness in my life. My RAH will do whatever he wants to do...regardless of what I give up.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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So much wisdom... what are we doing here? Well, today was about the worst things have been between us in a long time. I am so unhappy with myself and my anger toward RAH. Whatever he feels or thinks etc I am not going to dwell on. But I am concerned about me. Do you hear that ladies? I had a miserable day yesterday and today b/c of my anger. I tried to focus on stuff for me - I am doing some projects with the house - and catching up with some medical and financial stuff too. Just everything was going wrong (it the mercury in retrograde thing). And I did get some stuff done in spite of the drama which happened all day until I just stopped answering my phone.
Not sure what will happen tommorrow or the next day but I refuse to follow the anger anymore in this relationship. I avoided it for a long time but it caught up with me today. Need to forgive myself and move on. HELP
Not sure what will happen tommorrow or the next day but I refuse to follow the anger anymore in this relationship. I avoided it for a long time but it caught up with me today. Need to forgive myself and move on. HELP
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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ahhh anger that is a tough one. ((((hugs))))
Someone told me that Anger comes when your body/mind is fighting acceptance.
It was very eye opening for me. Now when ever I feel my anger coming on I ask myself, "What am I refusing to accept about this situation?"
If I am angry b/c my AH is drunk at one of dd ball games. Then I have to say what am I refusing to accept?
my answer, that he is an alcoholic and alcoholics get drunk. Once I acept this then my anger goes away.
It doesn't mean I condone his behavior, It just means that I am able to accept who he is.
Now I can take another step, I can set a boundary. If AH has been drinking, then I will not give him a ride to dd game.
I hope that helps and makes sense! I know the anger you are feeling, I can remember the anger I felt a few years ago....it was Flames Shooting out of My Head Anger
This really helped me get past it It is hard work, working on yourself, but you can do it
Someone told me that Anger comes when your body/mind is fighting acceptance.
It was very eye opening for me. Now when ever I feel my anger coming on I ask myself, "What am I refusing to accept about this situation?"
If I am angry b/c my AH is drunk at one of dd ball games. Then I have to say what am I refusing to accept?
my answer, that he is an alcoholic and alcoholics get drunk. Once I acept this then my anger goes away.
It doesn't mean I condone his behavior, It just means that I am able to accept who he is.
Now I can take another step, I can set a boundary. If AH has been drinking, then I will not give him a ride to dd game.
I hope that helps and makes sense! I know the anger you are feeling, I can remember the anger I felt a few years ago....it was Flames Shooting out of My Head Anger
This really helped me get past it
It is hard work, working on yourself, but you can do it Member
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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Thanks Daisy,
My anger is definitely about not accepting 1) that we are living separately instead of together like married people do, 2) we can't have a conversation without arguing or blaming, 3) that we don't get along, 4) that he is not there for me, 5) that he is unreasonable, irrational, and out of touch with reality, 6) that he disrespects me, 7) that he doesn't trust and doesn't have any reason not to, 8) that I can't trust someone I love, 9) that nothing works.... and I go say more but I don't want to get started again now that I am calming down.
I don't know what other people's experience of their AS being drunk or dry drunk is like - but my RAH is a horribly angry and vengeneful and highly disruptive drunk or dry drunk. He doesn't just drink and pass out or not give a damn - he is argumentative, obsessive, mean, outrageous ( what caused our separation last year was when he called the police b/c I locked him out of the bedroom) and he got sober when he drank so much he fell down the steps of his apt and ended up in the hospital all beaten up from the fall.
He is overly sensitive and critical of everything, and we work together too so there is no break. He talks non stop. He is inpatient and doesn't like people. He doesn't even act like he likes me much of the time. He twists things around and takes everything the wrong way. The MC tries to point it out to him that I am agreeing with him or on his side and giving him positive reinforcement and he doesn't hear it at all. It is so frustrating. And you may ask why I want to stay M to him - well I love him, when things are good they are very good - and I am trying to be understanding and supportive of his recovery knowing that it isn't easy for him - BUT! does it have to be this hard????
MC told me privately that he is a 9 out 10 on the difficult scale. I must be crazy myself.
I am just so angry that I put up with it - and he is so difficult.
Hang in there with me, I am getting to a good place for me slowly but surely.
He has called several times tonight and I have not answered to give myself some peace.
My anger is definitely about not accepting 1) that we are living separately instead of together like married people do, 2) we can't have a conversation without arguing or blaming, 3) that we don't get along, 4) that he is not there for me, 5) that he is unreasonable, irrational, and out of touch with reality, 6) that he disrespects me, 7) that he doesn't trust and doesn't have any reason not to, 8) that I can't trust someone I love, 9) that nothing works.... and I go say more but I don't want to get started again now that I am calming down.
I don't know what other people's experience of their AS being drunk or dry drunk is like - but my RAH is a horribly angry and vengeneful and highly disruptive drunk or dry drunk. He doesn't just drink and pass out or not give a damn - he is argumentative, obsessive, mean, outrageous ( what caused our separation last year was when he called the police b/c I locked him out of the bedroom) and he got sober when he drank so much he fell down the steps of his apt and ended up in the hospital all beaten up from the fall.
He is overly sensitive and critical of everything, and we work together too so there is no break. He talks non stop. He is inpatient and doesn't like people. He doesn't even act like he likes me much of the time. He twists things around and takes everything the wrong way. The MC tries to point it out to him that I am agreeing with him or on his side and giving him positive reinforcement and he doesn't hear it at all. It is so frustrating. And you may ask why I want to stay M to him - well I love him, when things are good they are very good - and I am trying to be understanding and supportive of his recovery knowing that it isn't easy for him - BUT! does it have to be this hard????
MC told me privately that he is a 9 out 10 on the difficult scale. I must be crazy myself.
I am just so angry that I put up with it - and he is so difficult.
Hang in there with me, I am getting to a good place for me slowly but surely.
He has called several times tonight and I have not answered to give myself some peace.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Going no contact can be very helpful. It allows you to think things through w/o the influence of someone else in your ear. You need time away from having to talk to him. I found when I would stop taking my AH phone calls he would increase his calling for the day and then there would be a lul...and he wouldn't call for a few days. Like I said there is no reason you Need to take his call. If something serious or life threatening has happened you will be notified by someone else
If you work together try to stay apart as much as posible, take lunch on your own away from him. This will give you some much needed peace.
These are all expectations. They say that an expectation is a premeditated resentment. You are right though you must accept these things. You must accept that you can not expect rational behavior from an alcoholic. Alanon "Step 1" Admitted we were powerless over alcohol"
My thought is you can change this. You cannot change him, but you can change the type of behavior you will accept. This is where you could set a few boundaries. If a conversation gets into arguing then end the conversation. I would simply say "we are not able to hear eachother right now, let's try again another day." Then you must ignore the quacking that will come after an walk away, or if you are on the phone simply hang up. After doing this a few times he will see that you are no longer tolorating or playing along with arguments. He will then have to choose to have a reasonable conversation with you or none at all.
I hope this makes sense ((())) it is a tough road, but worth the journey!
If you work together try to stay apart as much as posible, take lunch on your own away from him. This will give you some much needed peace.
1) that we are living separately instead of together like married people do, 2) we can't have a conversation without arguing or blaming, 3) that we don't get along, 4) that he is not there for me, 5) that he is unreasonable, irrational, and out of touch with reality, 6) that he disrespects me, 7) that he doesn't trust and doesn't have any reason not to, 8) that I can't trust someone I love, 9) that nothing works.... and I go say more but I don't want to get started again now that I am calming down.
These are all expectations. They say that an expectation is a premeditated resentment. You are right though you must accept these things. You must accept that you can not expect rational behavior from an alcoholic. Alanon "Step 1" Admitted we were powerless over alcohol"
My thought is you can change this. You cannot change him, but you can change the type of behavior you will accept. This is where you could set a few boundaries. If a conversation gets into arguing then end the conversation. I would simply say "we are not able to hear eachother right now, let's try again another day." Then you must ignore the quacking that will come after an walk away, or if you are on the phone simply hang up. After doing this a few times he will see that you are no longer tolorating or playing along with arguments. He will then have to choose to have a reasonable conversation with you or none at all.
I hope this makes sense ((())) it is a tough road, but worth the journey!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Al-Anon is the way
Originally Posted by Kassie2 
Thanks Daisy,
I don't know what other people's experience of their AS being drunk or dry drunk is like - but my RAH is a horribly angry and vengeneful and highly disruptive drunk or dry drunk. He doesn't just drink and pass out or not give a damn - he is argumentative, obsessive, mean, outrageoust..........well I love him, when things are good they are very good - and I am trying to be understanding and supportive of his recovery knowing that it isn't easy for him - BUT! does it have to be this hard????
MC told me privately that he is a 9 out 10 on the difficult scale. I must be crazy myself.......
I am just so angry that I put up with it - and he is so difficult.
.
I don't know what other people's experience of their AS being drunk or dry drunk is like - but my RAH is a horribly angry and vengeneful and highly disruptive drunk or dry drunk. He doesn't just drink and pass out or not give a damn - he is argumentative, obsessive, mean, outrageoust..........well I love him, when things are good they are very good - and I am trying to be understanding and supportive of his recovery knowing that it isn't easy for him - BUT! does it have to be this hard????
MC told me privately that he is a 9 out 10 on the difficult scale. I must be crazy myself.......
I am just so angry that I put up with it - and he is so difficult.
.
If you attend Al-Anon, keep going. You will gain clarity and see that while you cannot change your hubby's behavior, you DO NOT have to accept his delusional, selfish abuse. I used to make excuses for Robert when he acted badly & while I could blame it on the alcohol, it was HIM who caused it--not me, HIM. If you keep your distance from this toxic man, you will hopefully see that life is a lot better without someone who uses & abuses you because THEY have the problem. You deserve better and I think you know this. Keep going to Al-Anon and realize that you can have a good life and it doesn't mean you have to stick it out with someone who does not want to help themselves.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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Hi everyone,
Today I am doing much better. To clarify, RAH has had one slip in 8 months. He was not around me so I didn't know. So, tolerating his drinking was not possible and the reason we separated - I asked him to go. But I am surprised that even sober, with the clarity of thinking he has, that he does come close to so much drama still. Sober, the behaviors are very different.... his demeanor is much less intense and he is more cautious about what he says - he works to keep his anger controlled when it does get riled. *And BTW- Daisy - we often do call a break when tension is building - and I do hang up or refuse to answer the phone if he is not civil and he gets it. So those things work - I just wish they didn't come up at all - I mean how much anger can a person have?
So today he calls with the usual,"let's try to work this out" again. I nicely and quietly told him that nothing has changed overnight to convince me or him that we CAN do anything different today. He validated that point and then proceeded to say that we just have to do a better job. I asked him how much harder do we have to work?
I had some insight today about my own issues and where the anger is coming from within my own history. I see how it colors my perception of events and his illness. So, I want to contemplate and work on correcting that "thorn" before making any major decisions. As I said earlier, it does no good to separate when we still react - I want to put a cap on that behavior for myself. That step one and powerlessness is a pain when not applied properly. (you all know I wanted to say something else)
The sad part is that tomorrow is our anniversary - it will be the second one apart. Not sure how I will spend the day. Son offered to go to dinner but somehow I think i want to spend it quietly alone.
Today I am doing much better. To clarify, RAH has had one slip in 8 months. He was not around me so I didn't know. So, tolerating his drinking was not possible and the reason we separated - I asked him to go. But I am surprised that even sober, with the clarity of thinking he has, that he does come close to so much drama still. Sober, the behaviors are very different.... his demeanor is much less intense and he is more cautious about what he says - he works to keep his anger controlled when it does get riled. *And BTW- Daisy - we often do call a break when tension is building - and I do hang up or refuse to answer the phone if he is not civil and he gets it. So those things work - I just wish they didn't come up at all - I mean how much anger can a person have?
So today he calls with the usual,"let's try to work this out" again. I nicely and quietly told him that nothing has changed overnight to convince me or him that we CAN do anything different today. He validated that point and then proceeded to say that we just have to do a better job. I asked him how much harder do we have to work?
I had some insight today about my own issues and where the anger is coming from within my own history. I see how it colors my perception of events and his illness. So, I want to contemplate and work on correcting that "thorn" before making any major decisions. As I said earlier, it does no good to separate when we still react - I want to put a cap on that behavior for myself. That step one and powerlessness is a pain when not applied properly. (you all know I wanted to say something else)
The sad part is that tomorrow is our anniversary - it will be the second one apart. Not sure how I will spend the day. Son offered to go to dinner but somehow I think i want to spend it quietly alone.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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Mitzy and other dear ones,
I hear the concerns for the kind of life I have allowed myself to live. In part, I hear it from anyone who knows what is going on and my only response is that we each have to make our own choices in our own time. That being said, I have taken steps along the way to set firm boundaries about what behavior I will accept or not. That is the reason we separated twice and why we are still separated - if he hadn't walked away and things continued as they were - this move would not have taken place. I did learn early on that if I set a limit and didn't give an inch - he would mind it. He would "quack" but eventually let it go. I did take measures early on to protect myself and still do. I will not cheat him out of anything or do him wrong but I will not put myself at risk for him.
I do feel that it is possible that we will not make it and I am dealing with it. Cheer me up someone!
I hear the concerns for the kind of life I have allowed myself to live. In part, I hear it from anyone who knows what is going on and my only response is that we each have to make our own choices in our own time. That being said, I have taken steps along the way to set firm boundaries about what behavior I will accept or not. That is the reason we separated twice and why we are still separated - if he hadn't walked away and things continued as they were - this move would not have taken place. I did learn early on that if I set a limit and didn't give an inch - he would mind it. He would "quack" but eventually let it go. I did take measures early on to protect myself and still do. I will not cheat him out of anything or do him wrong but I will not put myself at risk for him.
I do feel that it is possible that we will not make it and I am dealing with it. Cheer me up someone!
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I don't know if I can cheer you up, but I can say that I understand what you are going through. I separated from my AH in 2005. He continued drinking for several months after that, then eventually came to his senses and sobered up. We went to counseling together, we "dated," we even did a two-week trial period of living in the same house trying to make our marriage work.
Looking back on that time now, I can see what was going on. Whenever I was strong and sure of myself, he would be humble and begging to work on the marriage. Then, when I would want more time together, more commitment from him, he would back off and claim he wasn't sure anymore.
It was about control. And we both played the game. He wanted the wife and family, but still wanted to be the one calling all the shots. I wanted the husband and family man, but wasn't able to give him all the power. As you can probably guess, we are divorced now.
But, it's not a sad ending at all. We still respect and care about each other and both work together in the best interests of our children. He is still immature and financially irresponsible like he was when we were married, but at least he's not drinking himself to death. I accept him for who he is, I just don't want to be married to him, lol.
My life is much more peaceful and happy than it ever was when I was married. My children are much happier, too. It took several months of therapy to get to this place, but what a learning experience for all of us!
Divorce is not the end of the world. In fact, sometimes it is the beginning of life......
L
Looking back on that time now, I can see what was going on. Whenever I was strong and sure of myself, he would be humble and begging to work on the marriage. Then, when I would want more time together, more commitment from him, he would back off and claim he wasn't sure anymore.
It was about control. And we both played the game. He wanted the wife and family, but still wanted to be the one calling all the shots. I wanted the husband and family man, but wasn't able to give him all the power. As you can probably guess, we are divorced now.
But, it's not a sad ending at all. We still respect and care about each other and both work together in the best interests of our children. He is still immature and financially irresponsible like he was when we were married, but at least he's not drinking himself to death. I accept him for who he is, I just don't want to be married to him, lol.
My life is much more peaceful and happy than it ever was when I was married. My children are much happier, too. It took several months of therapy to get to this place, but what a learning experience for all of us!
Divorce is not the end of the world. In fact, sometimes it is the beginning of life......
L
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I guess the cheering up part is that you recognize that you want a better life. I do believe it's possible even for someone like me who has had very bad luck in meeting decent men of any kind. While I won't lie and say that my life is hunky-dory, it is much better without a selfish, self-centered drunk in my life. I allowed my boundaries to go down by putting up with his drama and verbal abuse. I felt like I was alone in my situation until I found Al-Anon and I continue to go because it keeps me on track for that better life. I do believe you will get that better life...I know I am slowly but surely myself.
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Thanks for hanging in there with me. Cheering up for me is having people stay with me and to LaTeeDa - an offer to dance will be fine by me. LOL On another board early in the year there was a person who was very supportive to me and he used to make me laugh with his knowledge of virtual everything on the computer - we would dance! we partied ! and laughed - wonderful medicine. I was reminded of that with the refernce from the movie -
shall we dance - eventho the reference was about wanting someone to witness my life. Well, supporting one another is a way of witnessing another's pain and sorrow and then some hand holding until we all smile again.
I am having dinner tonight with RAH for our anniversary. He had a lot of positive things to say and admitted a lot that he was doing wrong. I am in a much better place b/c of the support here and my readings. This week off and w/o kids or H showed me how it could be on my own. I like some parts and don't like other parts but the point is I am ok.
Updates later.
shall we dance - eventho the reference was about wanting someone to witness my life. Well, supporting one another is a way of witnessing another's pain and sorrow and then some hand holding until we all smile again.
I am having dinner tonight with RAH for our anniversary. He had a lot of positive things to say and admitted a lot that he was doing wrong. I am in a much better place b/c of the support here and my readings. This week off and w/o kids or H showed me how it could be on my own. I like some parts and don't like other parts but the point is I am ok.
Updates later.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Here's a little story for you about how I came to watch that movie.....
I always wanted to learn ballroom dancing. When my AH and I were trying to reconcile, I thought it would be something fun we could do together. I talked to him about it and he agreed, so I signed us up. Two days before the first class, he changed his mind, decided he didn't want to do it after all. I called the instructor, disappointed, to cancel. She talked me into coming on my own. She found partners for me to dance with at each class, and if she couldn't find a partner for me, she danced with me herself. (She could lead as well as follow, lol.) I had so much fun! It was the beginning of learning what makes me happy. The beginning of my new life. Since then, I have taken another dance class, several community college classes, and my newest interest is digital photography.
Anyway, the dance instructor is the one who recommended that movie, and I probably would have never seen it if she hadn't. You just never know the doors that will open up in your life unless you are willing to look for them.
L
I always wanted to learn ballroom dancing. When my AH and I were trying to reconcile, I thought it would be something fun we could do together. I talked to him about it and he agreed, so I signed us up. Two days before the first class, he changed his mind, decided he didn't want to do it after all. I called the instructor, disappointed, to cancel. She talked me into coming on my own. She found partners for me to dance with at each class, and if she couldn't find a partner for me, she danced with me herself. (She could lead as well as follow, lol.) I had so much fun! It was the beginning of learning what makes me happy. The beginning of my new life. Since then, I have taken another dance class, several community college classes, and my newest interest is digital photography.
Anyway, the dance instructor is the one who recommended that movie, and I probably would have never seen it if she hadn't. You just never know the doors that will open up in your life unless you are willing to look for them.
L
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Yes, I am probably the only person who doesn't care about a RG movie - but it was a pleasant surprise when I watched it. I ended up buying the movie just to remind me that we all secretly have desires to find out more about what makes us happy. We think of things we want to try but are afraid or we find ourselves in situations unexpectedly and do something different only to discover a new passion. It is how we know we are alive.
Dinner went fine. We chatted awile after dinner without getting into R issues. RAH surprised by very open about his feelings toward me and his intentions. But he did not pressure other than to ask if it possible to have a future. I told him we both have a future ahead of us - either together or not but that is what we will find out -and I didn't mean that in a bad way. He was good with that.
It was awkward... but I think we both know that things are really tenative - something an A can't deal with... we will see... I am keeping my feelings in tact and grounded in the facts. I have to mention that earlier in the day after we decided to go to dinner I felt very nervous and thought it was a bad idea to continue. I wonder whether to cancel - then he called to tell me how amazing it was to talk and not argue, wanted me to hear a compliment from him about how I handled the conversation, and then went on about how much he has to improve the way he handles things with me in particular b/c he doesn't want to lose me. Touching no doubt, but I kept it in perspective of recent events. There has never been any doubt about feelings, just whether or not we can live with each other. Beginning to sound like a tired old novel. Thanks for listening. Love the synchronicity LTD.
Dinner went fine. We chatted awile after dinner without getting into R issues. RAH surprised by very open about his feelings toward me and his intentions. But he did not pressure other than to ask if it possible to have a future. I told him we both have a future ahead of us - either together or not but that is what we will find out -and I didn't mean that in a bad way. He was good with that.
It was awkward... but I think we both know that things are really tenative - something an A can't deal with... we will see... I am keeping my feelings in tact and grounded in the facts. I have to mention that earlier in the day after we decided to go to dinner I felt very nervous and thought it was a bad idea to continue. I wonder whether to cancel - then he called to tell me how amazing it was to talk and not argue, wanted me to hear a compliment from him about how I handled the conversation, and then went on about how much he has to improve the way he handles things with me in particular b/c he doesn't want to lose me. Touching no doubt, but I kept it in perspective of recent events. There has never been any doubt about feelings, just whether or not we can live with each other. Beginning to sound like a tired old novel. Thanks for listening. Love the synchronicity LTD.
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Originally Posted by Kassie2
We think of things we want to try but are afraid or we find ourselves in situations unexpectedly and do something different only to discover a new passion. It is how we know we are alive.
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Update: RAh and I have spent time talking and cooking for each other. Initially I second guessed myself about giving it another try.But I have a lot of emotions that need to be settled with me -and I feel that if he is progressing then I have to try. It is his first year of sobriety. If I find that it continues to be too hard, I am working on myself so that I can let go without the drama.
RAH really opened up, finally talked to me about parts of his life that he has not been willing to talk about before with me. Mostly about how he felt about himself -his behavior and poor choices - the guilt, the anger, the shame from the past before meeting me. I also learned that despite being in an active addiction for a lot of his adult life - he did have years of sobriety at one point.
It opened a new view of him for me and helped me to understand things a lot differently. He would accuse me of assigning wrong intentions to his wishes and suggestions for us - which often resulted in major disagreements. What we learned is that I could only respond to the parts of the puzzle he puts in front of me - I am not a mind reader - and my responses toward him could be different with better information.
No moving in.... that's ok! One step at a time, one day at a time for now.
RAH really opened up, finally talked to me about parts of his life that he has not been willing to talk about before with me. Mostly about how he felt about himself -his behavior and poor choices - the guilt, the anger, the shame from the past before meeting me. I also learned that despite being in an active addiction for a lot of his adult life - he did have years of sobriety at one point.
It opened a new view of him for me and helped me to understand things a lot differently. He would accuse me of assigning wrong intentions to his wishes and suggestions for us - which often resulted in major disagreements. What we learned is that I could only respond to the parts of the puzzle he puts in front of me - I am not a mind reader - and my responses toward him could be different with better information.
No moving in.... that's ok! One step at a time, one day at a time for now.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Update, read through my posts and here is what I am learning, You are a group of wonderful people! When I first started this thread I was so hurt and angry at a change of events that I was losing sight of what was in front of me - ME. Now I am not going to say that I have figured everything out. I do want to point out what I got - time to talk and think about my life and the choices I have made. I started out not being able to accept the choices I made in the past - and the feelings I had as a result of those choices - and the circumstances that brought me here.
This past month allowed me to look at life with/without RAH. I had no amazing views of life on my own and no brilliant insight into things I didn't do as a result of M. I had no particular insights about whether or not to stay M to this person. But I get a lot of insight into myself and how I have been treating me. I followed the anger right back to me and my choices, my feelings, my thoughts, my expectations, and my judgments.
I have been looking at them, considering what I learned from each and moving forward.
My focus is on me first, but being married, I must also consider "us". Since we are separated I will use the time to reflect on how I can build a healthier me and when possible/available, a healthier "us". I will not focus on any particular outcome - just follow what is healthy and functional. I will accept what today brings, and what tomorrow brings to the best of my ability.
This week allowed me to see ME, to see my relationship with God, and a piece of the larger picture. I saw my role/part in it all as well as the parts that others play in mine and how it all works together. It was only a small eyeful of what happens everyday, but I saw a piece of it this week and I know that I have a part at all times and I am watched and cared for and taken care of as needed. It has been an amazing week overall. I cannot adequately put words to my experience but I believe it would not have been possible without the wisdom and support here. THANK YOU!
And now as my week off concludes and I face the thought of returning to chaos (work) I hope that I can carry some of this learning with me. Will be checking back to see if anyone is watching.LOL
This past month allowed me to look at life with/without RAH. I had no amazing views of life on my own and no brilliant insight into things I didn't do as a result of M. I had no particular insights about whether or not to stay M to this person. But I get a lot of insight into myself and how I have been treating me. I followed the anger right back to me and my choices, my feelings, my thoughts, my expectations, and my judgments.
I have been looking at them, considering what I learned from each and moving forward.
My focus is on me first, but being married, I must also consider "us". Since we are separated I will use the time to reflect on how I can build a healthier me and when possible/available, a healthier "us". I will not focus on any particular outcome - just follow what is healthy and functional. I will accept what today brings, and what tomorrow brings to the best of my ability.
This week allowed me to see ME, to see my relationship with God, and a piece of the larger picture. I saw my role/part in it all as well as the parts that others play in mine and how it all works together. It was only a small eyeful of what happens everyday, but I saw a piece of it this week and I know that I have a part at all times and I am watched and cared for and taken care of as needed. It has been an amazing week overall. I cannot adequately put words to my experience but I believe it would not have been possible without the wisdom and support here. THANK YOU!
And now as my week off concludes and I face the thought of returning to chaos (work) I hope that I can carry some of this learning with me. Will be checking back to see if anyone is watching.LOL
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
We is watching Kassie.
I am glad that you are able to actually communicate at last, and that you are alert to the fact that a little bit of doubt is necessary when dealing with addicted folks. The slow pace is good, as the last thing you need is to rush back into mayhem.
As time passes, the more you will see if he is "fair dinkum", (Australian for real, honest).
He may be able to keep up an act for a short while, but eventually, if he is only behaving well to get you back ASAP, he will be unable to keep the act going.
I hope you do get all you want and need in life, with or without this man.
God bless
I am glad that you are able to actually communicate at last, and that you are alert to the fact that a little bit of doubt is necessary when dealing with addicted folks. The slow pace is good, as the last thing you need is to rush back into mayhem.
As time passes, the more you will see if he is "fair dinkum", (Australian for real, honest).
He may be able to keep up an act for a short while, but eventually, if he is only behaving well to get you back ASAP, he will be unable to keep the act going.
I hope you do get all you want and need in life, with or without this man.
God bless
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