sesh

It has been a while since I wrote here… parts of that time I actually believed my husband has stopped drinking, and my life is back on track… This spring we discovered his liver is quite damaged and doctors told him he mustn’t drink ever again. He did ok for a while, but that started staying out all day long again, saying he’s very busy, I became restless again, and finally found out he’s drinking again. The well known vicious circle started again.
But this time I finally felt I can’t do it any more, and I asked him to leave. And he did so, without a word, only said he doesn’t have a problem, and this is the way things are for him right now. And that is all, after 11 years of marriage, after all the pain and efforts, after all the love together with the last bit of my soul I traded in it trying to make it work. He just walked out on me and our kids, and that was it.
That was 2 weeks ago, 2 weeks that feel like a lifetime. In the meantime I realized few things: first of all I realized he has left us long ago, in all fairness all I did now is told him not to sleep here any more, as that was the only thing that meant we are still together. Having him leave was so painful that at times I couldn’t breath, I felt like I’m about to fall into pieces, I felt like a wounded animal waiting for a mercy kill. But than I realized the only way out or up if you like it, is to reach my rock bottom, so I did, for a week I cried constantly, releasing all the pain and sorrow that was building up inside of me for years, threatening to choke me. And finally I cried everything out, and just felt exhausted, … abandoned and lonely too, but most of all exhausted.
And than I let go, of everything, of my expectations of life, of my expectations of what he should do, I realized I have no power in making life what I wanted to be for anyone but myself. And I decided I wanted to be happy. And I am. Finally. I take pleasure in small things, and I don’t think of a big picture. Just trying to breath and take the most of the moment. I laugh again. And in the same time I feel sadness, and I feel betrayed, and abandoned, but I tell myself it is ok to feel this way, at least I’m feeling my life for what it is, I’m not spending it making excuses for him or myself. I’m not hiding behind physical pains any more. And in the same time I do feel happy and grateful for all good things I have in my life, which is something I kept forgetting about in the past years. If I feel too much sadness I cry again, but most importantly I’m not trying to fix anything any more. I take life for what it is. I feel I’m changing inside, and for the first time I not trying to stop it. And it feels good, it feels right, as the pain is the part of life too. And I know there’ll be better days, as there will be worse days too, but you know what: that’s ok. It’s beyond my control. I don’t want to control anything anymore, I’m too tired of trying to make up for everything and everyone in order to make life perfect, as it finally downed to me: it never is.

Before, when I considered ending the marriage, my main concern were my kids and how will they take it, and that was one of the main reasons that made me stay, and now he’s not living with us for 2 weeks, and the kids haven’t even notice (as he was hardly ever there when they go to bed, and he’d be gone by the time they wake up in the morning)… I guess that is saying more that enough… Of course I’m going to tell them, but I’ll wait just a bit longer, until I’m feeling more stable… (my kids are 11 and 6, and I will really appreciate any advise on what exactly to tell them, the truth? … or what …? )

A year ago someone told me on this forum: if you don’t want to be a doormat, get off the floor! It took a year for this to sink in. And I guess it is that simple. It is all about me, and what can I do for myself. And right now I’m trying to live, it has been such a long time since I did that…
I just wanted to share my feeling with you guys, I’ll appreciate any words of wisdom from you, and I also hope my words might be inspirational to some of you…
After everything, I still believe the life is good… it is all matter of perspective, and there is a choice, always…

GiveLove

Sesh, this is a wonderful painful post to read.

I hope that some of the parents here can share how they communicated these changes to their kids in an age-appropriate way. You're doing great...I'm glad you're back here checking in with us.

Chrysalis123

:ghug3 Thank you for sharing. Your post brought tears to my eyes because I could feel the strength it took for you to take care of yourself and your kids along with the anguish. For me, when it was over, it was like the pain of being reborn into my new life.

I have 2 kids 9 and 11 at the time, and I told them over many weeks and months variations on: Dad loves you so much. Daddy is sick and need times to get better and that is why he is living somewhere else. There is nothing you did or could do to cause Daddy to be gone. Sometimes when people are sick, like Daddy, they do things like ___________. It is one way their sickness shows itself. (Said when seeing someone else acting like Dad.) Dad's sickness has a name and it is called alcoholism. Daddy loves you the best way he can right now.

In the meantime I tried to get myself as emotionally healthy as possible and I consciously parented in ways to provide them the emotional experiences he could not. For example, I always try to give them back their "voice" because he only thinks his opinion is correct and will say things to them like, "Stop that crying...you aren't sad." I also ask them, "What is your gut feeling about this?" And then reaffirm their feeling. I give a name to their feelings if they can't. I might say, "Wow, if something like that happened to me I would probably feel __________. Is that how you feel?"

sesh

Thanks for your kind words.
What worries me when telling my kids the truth is that my AH will tell them a different thing, as he doesn't believe he has a problem, so they'll end up listening to 2 different stories on a major issue in their life. I'm afraid they'll be confused which will make it hard for them to cope with the situation. He is a loving father to them, when he's around them, which is not often, but they don't see that as the problem, as they're used to it and they don't know that it could/should be different from that. Has anyone been in a similar situation? I'm really having trouble deciding what is best for them...
Today I'm having a bad day, trying to name the emotion that is a bit too havy to carry, and I guess it is a broken heart and a bit of a broken soul as well, but I'm hanging in there, as tomorrow might be better...

lovtolaff

The last part of this sentence touched me. I KNOW exactly what you meant when you wrote it and it feels good to NOT have to make excuses.

And heck - I'm over a year out of my break-up and I STILL have bad days - but I just let them come and go. It does get better.

Cowgirl1265

Sesh, I don't think its necessary to tell them the real reason that daddy moved out. Your older child might understand more, but your younger child isn't ready to process that kind of information. Having recently separated and having read a bit and discussed with our therapist, what we did was tell the kids, together, in session with the therapist before he moved out. We agreed in advance what we would say. Most experts agree that you don't need to give younger children too many specific details on why a separation occurs. We told ours, "Mommy and Daddy fight too much when we are together, and we know that its not good for families to have too much fighting, so we have decided that Daddy is going to move to a different house to live. You will get to see both Mommy and Daddy almost every day, some nights you will spend at Mommy's house and some nights at Daddy's house. "

We also told them that we loved both of them very much, that Daddy was not moving because of anything wrong that they did. We answer their questions as honestly as possible, at least as far as in we reassure them that this is not their fault and we reassure them they are loved.

I know your situation is different because he has already left. Do you think it would be possible for you to talk to them together?

sesh

Thanks Cowgirl1265, that feels like a right thing to do for me. I'm sure it wont be a problem arranging with my husband to do that.
I hated the idea of burdening my kids more than necessary...
I had a good day yestarday, but today doesn't feel too good. I just feel so disapointed. I'm trying to separate myself from him emotionally by thinking I should let go and not feel angry with him, as the most damage he's doing is to himself, me and the kids are just collateral damage, which I do believe to be true, but that fact is making me feel so bad, and I can't get over it. I can't stop thinking: is that all we are here? shouldn't we be most important to him? And I start feeling betrayed and unsignificant again...
Maybe I should feel angry, I know I have every right to, but the thing is I don't do too well with anger, as I always feel guilty afterwards, and I'm afraid that when the anger wears off and the guilt kicks in, I might stray from my path and start making excuses for him again, as that is very tempting, as that's the familiar place, unbearable as it is that's the role I'm so good at... and here I am again realizing how hard it is to break the old patterns, to break free...
But I'm trying hard...
I could really use some words of wisdom today, as I feel so weak and fragile... I know I'm doing a right thing, but the pain is too great to bear, hope tomorrow will be better, but today I need all the helping words you can give me...
Thanks

Still Waters

sesh,

Play the tape all the way through. When you start feeling that guilt, or begin to make excuses, play the tape. We tend to gloss over the bad parts, to make our lives with our alcoholics what we wish it had been. We cause ourselves and our children a lot of pain by not seeing clearly.

Play the tape all the way through, all the reasons why it is (for most of us) impossible to live with an active alcoholic, and all the reasons why you and your children deserve better.

sesh

Thank you for remainding me of that StillWaters. I've read your post few hours ago, and I allowed myself to feel angry. And it feels good. I think of all bad things and I know it is not my fault, none of it. I'm only guilty of accepting this sad life I had with him. But for that I forgive myself, as I didn't know better, I only gave love and support, begged him to try to stop, ...
So, I need to say this, I almost need to shout this (I will as soon as my kids are fast asleep): I AM SOOOO ANGRY WITH HIM!!!!!!!
Because he was a lousy husband, because he was never there, because all he did was lie and run away. Because he is the one who was supposed to love me and care for me, to protect me from pain instead of causing it.
Because of all the sleapless night I spent waiting for him, crying, as it took me so long to figure out what was going on. Because of all the broken promisses and making me believe I'm this borring nagging wife.
bacause he changed me from a outgoing friendly person to this bitter one who hates spending time with people.
Because my children don't know that is a proper role of the father in life.
But most of all beacuse he deprived me of my dreams and illusions, of my positive outlook on life.
He has demaged me so much, it feels it will take the rest of my life to heal. And I don't care he didn't do it on purpose, and I don't care he didn't know better and couldn't help himself, and don't care about any of the excuses, I feel so angry that it feels if I start shouting my anger out the whole world crumble...
I hope this is part of the normal reaction on what is going on, and I hope this too will help me heal... Will it?

Still Waters

I hope the heck so sesh, 'cause I'm pretty danged angry myself

Yes, I do believe that anger is a healthy part of it. For too long I made excuses and allowed the way he treated me to go on. I see being angry as positive movement in my recovery.

There is no excuse for them treating us badly, but if we allow it to happen again, then we have volunteered for it. I don't plan to ever be a volunteer to abuse again.

Anger is a great motivator also, so use that angry energy in a positive way. So while I think it's normal, we do have to move past the anger at some point.

aboutdone

Sesh,

Sorry you are going through this. It does get better. When I went through my ordeal over the last couple of months and AH left me in a financial jam,pregnant with baby due shortly, and no emotional support, I too was crushed.

Even though you made the decision, knowing it was the right thing to do for you, you still have alot of resentment, guilt, anger, hurt, etc.

I lost 16lbs the week before I had my baby. Probably part of the reason she ended up being an emergency c-section. I couldn't eat, felt I couldn't breathe, I was so incredibly lonely, and devastated. I could barely function. I was in the hospital for 4 days after giving birth, and they would give me sleeping pills, and I still couldn't sleep more than an hr a day.

What changed it for me, was taking my life back. It was my decision to make my life better, to get happy, to survive and thrive, if you will.

I went to an AA meeting because al-anon only meets once a week and I knew if I didn't get some help ASAP I was going to end up somewhere I didn't want to be. I didn't really know what I was doing, when I went to the meeting, other than looking for someone to listen to me. Ends up I didn't say much, after the meeting I talked to the chair, and he said what I already knew, it wasn't my fault, and there was nothing I could do but take care of me.

I went to the next al-anon meeting, and one of the gals there gave me a book called "opening our hearts, transforming our losses". This book is incredibly powerful for me. I breastfeed, and would sit with my newborn on our bed and feed her and read out of that book to her and myself.

It addresses the "loss of a dream". Your dreams and hopes of a happy marriage, a happy family, and happy children, are so hard to let go of.

You really do have to grief that, and part of grieving is anger as well. You will have to go through the emotions. They will hit you anytime/anywhere. How you deal with them is ok. Losing those dreams and hopes, is as real and painful as losing a human life, because you feel like you have lost yours.

One thing I did for myself and my children, was allow myself time to grieve. Instead of crying all day, and not eating, not sleeping, I started saying I could cry myself to sleep, I had to eat, even if it was something small, I would deal with issues tomorrow.

Life is made up of time. Hours, minutes, seconds and moments. Take it one moment at a time if you have to. The one thing that remains constant with time, is it always passes. It does get easier. Time doesn't always heal all wounds, but it makes them less painful.

For me, burying the pain, doesn't work. I cried for 2 weeks, non stop. I dealt with it. I still cry every now and then, but my baby girl is 10 weeks old, he was gone 10 days before she was born, he had been back for a week and half.

What I learned, is I survived. I got stronger. It didn't kill me. It hurts less everyday. And honestly now that he is back, I really kind of wish he wasn't. I thought I was alone because my life revolved around him. I found out I wasn't alone, when my life really started revolving around me and my 4 children. For once, I was giving them 100% of the attention they deserved. I was happy.

Now hes back. And life is just as crazy as it was before. Today may suck, tomorrow may be better, but you don't have to wait for tomorrow to get here to make the choice to have good moments, seconds, minutes or hours.

Fake it till you make it, if you must. Even if you don't want to get out and do something today. Do it anyways. The more you start finding your own schedule and likes for YOU, the less you will dwell on the past.

Get your kids down and wrestle or tickle them. Get that human touch/bond with them. Before you know it, you will wonder what you miss about things the way they used to be. You know?

aboutdone

Oh, and I forgot to mention, if you want to yell and scream do it. Go bury your head in the pillow and scream and yell and cuss and flop around on the bed like a fish out of water. Do it until your exhausted. Get it out. Do it everyday if you must. You will feel better. You really will.

sesh

Aboutdone, you made me cry, and I really needed it as my emotions became overwhelming, I was just sitting on the sofa, my head was hurting, I couldn't bother to do anything, just watching my son playing on the floor, I was bacoming more and more sad thinking of all things he'll miss out on by not having a happy familly.

It is so true what you said:
"loss of a dream". Your dreams and hopes of a happy marriage, a happy family, and happy children, are so hard to let go of.
You really do have to grief that, and part of grieving is anger as well. You will have to go through the emotions. They will hit you anytime/anywhere. How you deal with them is ok. Losing those dreams and hopes, is as real and painful as losing a human life, because you feel like you have lost yours.
That's the hardest. I do feel the kind of grief like when a dear person dies on you,...

So reading everything you wrote, I cried over myself and over you too, things you had to go through, but in the same time I felt comforted knowing there are people like you: strong women who still manage to enjoy life.

Thank you so much for your kind words and sharing. I can't tell you how much it means to me, all this support from all of you guys...

As really there is no one I can turn to, except you here, I do have two friends who have always been there for me, but they have been listening to my sad stories for 7 years now, but I can't bring myself to tell them everything, as I know, never being in similar situation, they can't really understand it, and to be honest I hate the fact they feel sorry for me, I know they can't help it, I'd probably do the same, but I just hate the idea of being this woman who keeps repeating the same story...
The only person that can understand what I'm going through is my mum, as my father was an alcoholic (who died at the age of 53 due to his addiction), but she's recovering from cancer (she's ok now) and I don't have a heart to let her see how much I'm really hurting, as it'd break her heart, I just imagine my daughter living this same hell of life, and it makes my heart bleed, so I just told my mum it is over due to Ah heavy drinking, I'm not putting up with it, and I'm really, really ok, I'm great... Deep down she must know I'm not telling the truth, but at least she has a hope...
saying all this you can imagine how much your support means to me, so thank you all again...

TakingCharge999

sesh and aboutdone, thank you so much for sharing.

We never have to do things alone, even if it only means posting in SR. I learned if you turn your head around there will be people that understand, that don't have to be your usual friends or family or even be in your same zip code or continent!

sesh, your vision is partial / he will miss your son growing up, yes, but he is not a victim, it will be his loss as a direct result of his bad choices..

Now you, as a result of your good choices are now free of an addict and can provide a safe and joyful home... family is where love is, the only thing that matters is that you and your kid (kids? sorry I don't remember!) are now safer and free.

I totally know how it feels to think they sucked the life and joy out of you but after a year of the worst breakup and hurt I have felt, my life is richer and much better, I like more who I am and I know whatever happens I am able to bring myself up from zero and the more bottomly of bottoms LOL!

I also learned God/HP is taking you by the hand every step and sending you messengers.... and you are taken care of. Even when you don't see it there is something in the works at the background.

We who can get out from addiction are SO LUCKY. We all know its hell. I know God/HP saved me from bad things and made sure I was not able to look back, so I could find real joy and peace.

I found solace in AA rooms too, a RA told me "you did all you could, you held your ex's hand. You took the best decision by leaving, time will prove you right". And I say the same to you. It gets so much better...... it really does!

Keep getting those feelings out using safe venues, one step at a time! one breathe at a time. I have hit my bed with my pillow, has worked for me...

aboutdone

You know something to remember about family...it is what it is. Watch Sesame Street if you need to get an idea what I am talking about. Some families are just mom/child, or dad/child. Your son WILL have a happy family. You will provide that to him.

If you grew up like me, our ideas of staying together forever, and a family being mommy, daddy and child/children never came with exceptions.

In todays world if you consider the divorce rate, and how many single parent families there are, you are more the norm then the minority.

Trust me, it wasn't easy, I had to borrow money from my Ex Husband, my siblings, my friends, I had to get assistance from social services, which just about killed my pride. But at the end of the day, I was doing what I had to do to take care of my kids.

And honestly, your son isn't missing anything at this point and gaining a lot more of your time.

My first divorce, my narcissistic abusive alcoholic husband divorced me after 12 years of marriage, my children were step daughter 15, our daughter 13, our daughter 3, our son 18 months. I really thought I was going to die. I was tired of being beaten, but it was comfortable. I couldn't believe the butt would just divorce me, because I was starting to stand up for myself. I was devastated for 3-4 months. That was a couple years ago. It takes time to see the good in things. Our oldest 2 daughters are a mess. The step daughter picks bad guy after bad guy, and allows men to smack her around. The next one, hits back, but still will go after the bad guy. Thankfully my youngest 2 will never have the memories of their Dad choking the crap out of me, or breaking everything in the house as he threw me around like a rag doll. Heaven forbid if my son would have been raised in that, and thought it was acceptable.

The ex actually got help, and we are now best friends. During our divorce, we both dropped weight like crazy and took it horribly. Now we will both tell you we are better friends then we were spouses. Its taken a couple of years for the forgiveness on both parts to actually come about, but we are BETTER people, and seriously BETTER parents then we were then. In fact, the ex, now spends more time with the kids then he ever did when we were married. My kids totally got the best deal out of our divorce.

There is good in all things that are bad. It takes time to see it. You have to trust your instincts. You have to let your HP lead the way. You may not always see the silver lining in your timeframe, but you will eventually see it in your HPs timeframe.

Reading your post gave me shivers, but seriously don't cry for me. It was and is a life lesson I had to learn. Don't feel sad for me, and what I went thru, feel happy and glad that "I did it". Of course it wasn't what I would have chose to do, but I am thankful for it showed me that I can be happy on my own, I can make it happen, I am strong, and I have it in me. See the positive, not the negative.

sesh

TakingCharge999 when I said it's making me sad thinking of him not having a happy familly I meant my son (I was watching him play) I don't burden myself anymore thinking what my AH will think, feel or do, it's not my responsibility, it's not my problem, it's his life. It's what he chooses to do, alcoholism being disease or not, I don't care, he is responsible for his own actions and the consenquences of it.

Maybe still somewhere deep inside I do hope he'll come around and realize how wrong his doings have been in regards to his own health, to family life, to being father and husband, maybe it will take some time for that feeling to go away, maybe it will die slowly as my love for him is dying, or maybe when dying myself I'll realize I've been waiting for him all along even if never admitting it to myself, but none of it matters, as I'll rather have any of that than this life he was giving me, where I was constantly ignored as I don't exist as he always needed to be somewhere else, and he's coming home in 5 minutes (that was his favorite line) and never acctually came, and all his pretending he has no idea what am I talking about and yada, yada, yada...

And, yes, thank you Aboutdone, you are right, familly doesn't have to be mum and dad and kids, that one is very hard for me to swallow, but I know it's true and I just have to cope with it. I guess it is all a matter of perspective. Talking here and reading your advices and stories is helping me immensly as more and more things are becoming clear to me, which is making me stronger...

Still feeling angry, but in a good healthy way. This morning I woke up angry, and realized I wasn't even thinking of my own troubles, I was acctualy thinking of Jennifer from the post Crazy and the sh** she's putting up with and how badly she was beaten up with her life that she can't even see it... but all of that made me realize one thing:
It is not about our alcoholic partners it is about us, and what we believe ourselves to be and deserve.

And it also made me realize another thing:
Even though my husband wasn't alcoholic at the time we got married, (in fact for the first 5 years of our marriage he was the best husband one can ask for), he bacame the same type of alcoholic my father was. Coincidence???
They both were never abusive, never violent, never causing fights (if anything avoiding them), they were just always drinking and never home (only my AH has much better relationship with kids, and is much more caring and loving than my AF ever was)... So how come? Did I somewhere deep inside have a need to marry my father? In order to make it work? To save him? To leave him (my mather never left my AF, stayed 'till the bitter end) to prove my mum something? Or did I see the potential in my AH and made him into my AF?

I don't honestly think I'll even know the true answer to any of these questions, but I believe that becoming aware of them is equaly important...

For years I believed I forgave my AF (he died 10 years ago), I rationalized my emotions and told myself: that was the best he can do, for whatever reason he wasn't capable of more, the loss is all his, he just couldn't do better and I forgive him for it, as I wanted to let go and not carry that burden for the rest of my life. And I still believe this to be true, I'm not angry with him (maybe it'd be healthier if I was) I just feel sorry for him. But even if I forgave him, I still didn't break from the pattern, that's the only legacy he has left me with.

I need to do some thinking on these issues, hope I'll find some answers, and even if I don't, as I said becoming aware of this is just as important, and there is only one thing I'm completly sure of:
I had enough of alcoholic in my life and I'M DONE WITH IT!!!!!
It's a hot summer day, and I'll take my kids swimming... Aboutdone, thanks for the: fake it 'till you make it!!!

Pelican

Hi Sesh,

I see you have met some of our family already, welcome to the Sober Recovery family! You've gotten some great ES&H (experience, strength & hope) and it looks like you are making progress for yourself! Good on you!

I wanted to share with you about my anger during the process of leaving my AH. I found myself getting angry at my AH, but I always ended up getting angrier at myself. I got angry for staying so long, for putting up with so much unacceptable behavior, and for not providing a better home environment for my children.

I am normally a peaceful person. Laid back like a dead fly. Go with the flow kinda gal. So my extreme anger surprised me and I felt ashamed of this negative emotion. I am thankful for my SR family, and my girlfriend (social worker) to guide me through my anger. It is one of my emotions. It is a genuine feeling. I should feel it and express it in a healthy manner. Keeping it hidden would cause internal conflict that would manifest itself in dis-ease or physical discomfort. Keeping it bottled up would not be healthy for me and it would not be healthy to teach my children that we're not allowed to be angry.

So what do I do with my anger now? If I find myself getting angry, I examine it and try to determine what is the root of the anger. Is it fear based? What am I really afraid of? Am I angry at someone else? Why am I attached to another person's behavior? etc...

How do I express my anger? I've only had to do this a few times, but I go into my car and scream and yell! Punch the seat beside me too. I did this on the way to an alanon meeting one time. I arrived with my voice strained. I told my group what I had done, and another woman had done the same thing on the way to that meeting. We ended up laughing until we cried!

Sometimes I have cursed and punched pillows ( i have a wimpy punch, btw). This is what I have taught the children to do as well. Get the anger out. Take a look at the source and determine your responsibility for the emotion. Then learn from the experience. My children are 13, 17 and 21 now. We were discussing anger recently, and they commented on how infrequently it happens now.

Peace and hugs!

sesh

Thanks Pelican, I'm trying to do that, vent that anger out. Last night when my kids were asleep I walked around the house like the lunatic, my mouth covered and shouting in a low voice ( to not wake them up), saying every single curse it came to my mind. It felt good.

Today I was doing fine even when he phoned to ask what the kids are doing. We talked briefly and that was it. Than he phoned again asking if he could come over to pick some clothes. I thought, ok, we can keep it civil, I can do it, so I said ok. He came over, I was with our son in his room, playing Playstation games, he came in and said hi, and started taking his clothes from the bedroom. I was ok, I just thought I'll stay in my son's room until he leaves. He was taking really long time.
Than the phone rang, and I had to go to the living room to answer it. When I finished he was standing by the door, ready to leave and asked if I could lend him some money ( he doesn't have any income at the moment, he's a musician and his income is on and off), that really set me off, I was trying to keep it cool, and knowing he doens't have any money but having to eat, I caught myself giving him 20$ (money is not problem for me, I have more than plenty)...but as soon as I did that I lost my temper and ended up telling him: you ruined your familly, you're good for nothing... basically my anger spoke, and it did it in a very nasty, offensive way... All he said is that he is only doing what I've asked him to (leave)...and that I don't understand the reason he was away from home so much is because he was busy trying to make something happen with his music... And he smelled of booze, which set my rage on...

Now I feel bad that I couldn't keep it cool, and that I let him provoke my behaviour... It is clear now I shouldn't have let him come, but I honestly though I can do it... silly...

And I don't know what to do money wise. I mean I know I shouldn't be giving him money, but do I really have it in my heart to make him go hungry, staying at his friend's empty flat? .. I know, I know, none of it should be my problem, but please, tell me that again... I'm a kind of person who always helps people in need, mostly with money, so the idea of him, the father of my children being completly broke, and me not helping out even thought I can, that's really a hard one for me.
Please, advise

Still Waters

He's an adult, he can take care of himself. That said, do you need the lawn mowed? That usually costs around $20 here.

aboutdone

I agree with Stillwaters.

Here is the other thing. We all take steps backwards every now and then. It truly is hard to kinda bite your tongue.

You sound like me, I can't stand it, if anyone is hungry, however what I would have done, is one of two things. I would have either went into the kitchen and grabbed him a box of ramen noodles and gave it to him, or I would have said I don't have any cash on me at the moment. No apologies.

You have to "let go, Let God". If this man found a way to get alcohol, he will find a way for food. You just enabled him to buy more alcohol. You will be amazed at what they are really capable of, if you start saying no, and letting go of the need, to help them.

For 2 years I heard from my AH how I was paying bills wrong, and I should always pay rent,utilities before buying food for my kids, and the things they want. Well that would make sense if I had enough money for all of it, but we never did. Sometimes food was more important that paying gas bill on time. He moved in with a friend of his, and I happen to be friends with their landlord. She said they still owe for back rent, and I know for a fact they almost got their gas shut off, and when AH went to rehab, he had to pay roomie for past utilities.

Since RAH has been home now, almost 2 weeks, we had a disagreement about cell phone usage. When he left, he left his cell along with mine, which are both under his name. I don't have a house phone, so with 4 kids, I needed a phone, and my oldest girl was using a prepaid phone at the time. I told her if he didn't come back within 5 days she could have his phone, I would assume the account and pay the bill he hadn't paid. Well, thats exactly what I did.

He hinted around about wanting his phone back, while he was living with his roomie. He never outright asked, and I didn't pay the bill for him, I paid it for me and my daughter. So I just acted like I never heard his insinuations. Somehow he came up with a phone on his own. When he went to rehab, I guess the roomie wanted the phone back.

He asked me to pick him up a prepaid phone while he was in rehab, which I did and he paid me back. Surprisingly.

Anyways, last week we were sitting on porch, having a disagreement, because he felt it was ok to txt or talk to his female friends he met in rehab. Yet, totally inappropriate for me to txt or talk to a male friend of mine. I just shrugged it off for the most part, pointed out that it was the same really, and he got ticked, and broke his phone in half, thinking that would make me quit talking to my friends. Well, that didn't work. He tried to put his sim card into some other phones we have around, and he actually needs to call the prepaid service to have the sim reset. However, he doesn't have a phone at home to call them with. He keeps dropping hints that he needs to do it. Well, do it then. You have a job. With phones in break rooms. Its an 800#, so you can call for free. Heck, he can use my phone if he wants, BUT he needs to ask. As of yet he hasn't asked, and its been about a week. LOL. The Codie in me, would usually just call and have it reset for him. Not this time. He claims his disease arrested his brain around the age of 18, so he never learned the skills or thought processes to take care of things. Well, now that WE know WHAT the deal is, I think its high time you start learning as any other 18 year old does. Start taking care of your own stuff.

Try to get in the habit, of not reacting. Here is what I do. Instead of opening your mouth and telling him what you think, keep your mouth shut, literally, and say it all in your head. Then take a deep breath, and say what you should say, such as, well I'm glad you came and got your stuff, because it makes my day a little less hectic with cleaning. I got to get back to what I was doing, so I will talk to you later, and hope you have a good day.

If he says I am doing what you asked me to do, my first response would have been, well a** I guess there is a first time for everything. LOL, But I would have said it in my head, then proceeded, with "yes, I know, Thank you for understanding."

Another trick that works. You know how to not act like a Codie? Act like the addict. You know all those times you felt he wasn't listening to you, was ignoring you, or dismissing you, with simple little words like"ya, ok". Mimic that behaviour. Don't assume it, but if you see where I am going, he didn't react at all to things you said. It would drive you nuts. Reverse psychology here GF. Do that to him. Its an easy way to fake it till you make it. It truly takes 2 to have an argument. If you shut it down first, it doesn't escalate, and then go grab your pillow and yell and scream, or do the other crazy woman trick I do. Go in the bathroom, look in the mirror, and say to yourself exactly what you want to say to him.

The mirror technique is a two fold plan. First you vent your anger and feel better. But even more so, you can look at yourself as your doing it, and really see what you look like when your going off. Its not pretty. LOL.

For example:

I stand in front of the mirror. My hair a mess because I haven't taken the time for me today to begin with, and I say, " you stupid piece of filth and foul foul filth. Why don't you just filth off. Who the filth and foul foul filth do you think you are? What gives you the filth and foul foul filth right to do what the filth you have done?And on and on. Then at the end of it, I look at myself and say, no wonder I don't accomplish anything acting like this and yelling at someone like this. I look like a complete mad woman. Heck I wouldn't respond to someone who talked to ME like that. AND THEN I SEE, where and why I need to start working on myself. Cleaning up my side of the street, if you will. LOL. And then I wipe all the spit off the mirror, fix my hair, and get on with my day. Its hilarious, but it works. Try it, you will laughing at yourself by the time your done.